I write about senior dating, coach women over 60 in dating and dated online until I met my partner a few years ago. Nancy was 63. I was 67.

What I’ve learned from all of these experiences is that women over 60, and particularly women new to online dating, frequently make one mistake that wastes time and energy. It eventually burns them out to the point that they give up online dating altogether.

Think Outside of the (In)Box

There’s an unavoidable moment of hope and excitement when a woman logs onto her online dating account and discovers emails in her inbox.

Is this the “one”? Is this the man who might become my life partner? While it’s possible, answering emails from men is not the best course to follow for finding the perfect match. Okay, I realize this sounds counterintuitive but give me a few moments to explain why it isn’t, and at the same time offer a path to follow with more potential.

Taking Control of Your Senior Dating Experience

I teach my clients, all women over 60, how to succeed in online dating by being proactive rather than reactive. Being reactive is easy to understand because it simply means that a woman waits for men to email her.

Being proactive isn’t as simple and means more than sending emails to men. It entails knowing precisely who you’re looking for, which runs contrary to the debunked “opposites attract” bromide. Being proactive means dating men who are as much like you as possible, exclusively.

But this isn’t as cut and dried as it first appears. We all change over time and many of us fail to notice the changes, some of which are subtle but relevant nonetheless. When I begin working with a new client, the first homework I ask her to do is to take a few days to zero in on the half-dozen personal qualities that make her unique. Integrity typically tops the list but the rest are individual.

Making a Map

The point of this mapping exercise is to use the list to find men to date whose personal qualities match yours. It’s much easier to look for those men than to waste time fielding offers from men. Identifying that special man means he matches your qualities perfectly. And since your dates are candidates for your life partner, only a perfect score will work.

Senior Dating Isn’t a Numbers Game

And while using the map means you’ve narrowed the field considerably, that’s the point. The notion that a woman has to kiss a lot of frogs to find her man is utter nonsense. Focusing only on those men who are a perfect fit eliminates that need. I’ve seen this methodology work for most of my clients, and it also worked for me when I was dating.

I urge women to delete the emails in their inboxes and be proactive instead. Will you miss a terrific guy? No, because you’ll identify him anyway. Give it a try and let me know how you’re doing.

Have you tried an online dating site? What was your experience? Have you tried making lists of qualities you have and are looking for? Please share your thoughts and advice in the comments below.