End of Life Planning Doesn’t Need to be Depressing!
Women over 60 are enjoying life to the full. So, it’s no surprise that end of life planning is the last thing on our minds. When we do think about death, our concerns tend to be for the family and friends that we would leave behind.
So, there’s the dilemma. We don’t want to think about our mortality. But, we still want to make sure that our loved ones would be taken care of, should the unexpected happen.
Fortunately, end of life planning doesn’t need to be depressing. There are practical steps that we can take to give ourselves peace of mind.
Ideally, this should be a two-way conversation. In a perfect world, we would sit down with our children and have a rational discussion. Unfortunately, for most people, especially the young, death is not an easy topic.
My Personal Connection to End of Life Planning
When I worked with Dr. Elisabeth Kubler Ross in the 1980s, death was even more of a taboo subject. Her books, including “On Death and Dying” helped to make it acceptable to talk about this important topic. Now, three decades later, the situation is quite different. It is a real step forward that there are so many innovative groups offering a safe place to have these conversations.
I hope that this article helps in its own way to further the conversation about end of life planning. I also hope to introduce you to some of the resources that can help you to plan for what will happen after you pass away.
Breaking the Taboo Around Death
Death doesn’t have to be scary. If you come from a family that avoids “unpleasant” topics, perhaps it would help to introduce them to one of the following two organizations. Both groups provide blueprints for how to talk about death with friends and loved ones.
Death over Dinner: This website was founded by a group of medical professionals and wellness experts, who were concerned about the disconnect in the American health care system between how Americans say they would prefer to die (at home) and how they actually are more likely to die (in hospitals or care facilities). Their website provides interactive tools and helps people to host “Death Dinners.” These events facilitate conversations with the intention of allowing people to face death on their own terms.
Death Café: This website provides resources to help people talk about death with the people they love most. It facilitates conversations about how you want to die, what you want to have with you on your final journey and what is most important to you in life. The site promises “an uplifting interactive adventure that transforms this seemingly difficult conversation into one of deep engagement, insight and empowerment.” Check out the Death Café website for more details, or to find a Death Café location near you.
Planning a Funeral
Most women in the Sixty and Me Community say that they would like their funeral to be a simple celebration of their lives. Several said that they would like their family and friends to remember the good times and participate in activities that give them a positive sense of closure. After all, a funeral is not for the person who has died. If you want to make your funeral wishes clear, here are a few things your loved-ones might want to know.
Donating Organs
If you’d like to be an organ donor, please make your wishes known in advance. This can be one of the most emotional decisions for family members to make and you can save them a lot of stress by communicating your choice in writing.
Choosing Burial or Cremation
Cremation has become much more popular in recent years. There are also “green funeral” solutions like Bios Urn, where your ashes can be used to plant a tree. Check out this site for more information on “natural burials” or read this article in the Guardian for more ideas on eco-friendly funerals.
Deciding Where to be Buried
If you are religious, would you like your funeral to be held at a church, temple or other house of worship? Or would you prefer a less formal memorial service? Would you like your loved ones to gather at your house, at a favorite restaurant, in a park or another place with special meaning to you?
Selecting Music and Words
Do you have a favorite song or poem or passage from a book that you would love your family to hear as they share in your memory?
Choosing Who to Invite
Who are the loved ones that you would be most honored to see gathered to celebrate your life after you’re gone? Perhaps there are even a few people you do not want to attend.
Taking Care of Paperwork, Business and Wills
If you haven’t already, organize an appointment with an estate planning attorney to get your affairs in order. Think about making a living will, including medical directives in case you become incapacitated by illness or injury. If you are married, talk with your spouse and make sure that you are listed as beneficiaries of each other’s assets (pensions, life insurance policies, etc.) If you have divorced and/or re-married, double-check your beneficiary designations and make sure your assets will go to the right people.
Managing Your Digital Assets
It might sound silly, but, deciding how to handle your “digital assets” is more important than you might think. After all, who gets access to your e-mail address after you die? Would you like your family to have access to all of your messages? Or, would you prefer that they stay private? If you want your family to have access to your online accounts, consider making a big binder, with a list of all of your usernames and passwords.
It’s much easier to specify in advance who should have access, rather than leaving your loved-ones to struggle with the powers that be at Google, Yahoo, Microsoft or Facebook. There is an excellent infographic here that explains the current policies of the major online companies when it comes to your digital presence.
End of life planning is a complex and multi-faceted topic. If you’d like to start today to get some practical help with end of life planning, check out Everplans. Ironically, planning for a time when you will be gone frees you up to make the most of what is left of your amazing life.
What do you think? Have you conducted any of these important end of life planning conversations with your loved ones? Please join the conversation
August 22, 2015
Yep and have it all written down. Even planned and prepaid my funeral so my kids don’t have to make decisions at such a difficult time.
August 21, 2015
Carl Willis
August 21, 2015
We’ve discussed this with our children forever. Also have advanced directives.
August 21, 2015
Yep they know what I want. I’ve also written it all down in a “last wishes ” document , and have done an advanced health directive as well as a will. It is all to save them from having to make difficult decisions when the time comes, as I had to with my parents. My kids will only have to read what I wrote, and say “this is what she wanted”.
August 21, 2015
Been doing it for years when its a natural discussion. It’s written down but when the time comes for them to read it they will know it and not doubt or challenge.
December 17, 2014
its easier if you have a faith,me and hubby has discused it all,but my parents had no faith and refused to discuss till very end,
December 17, 2014
I still have my whole life ahead of me. Why be miserable and talk about the end? Your gone your gone….End of.
December 16, 2014
I would just like to add that each of us needs to talk to our loved ones about what we want done Before we die. They need to know if you want all heroic efforts done to keep you alive, do you want to be kept alive on machines? Do you want to have a DNR, do you want palliative care where you get medications and feel as comfortable as you can be. This, along with having a funeral planned and paid for will make it easier for all your loved ones.
December 16, 2014
I have also made a will and expressed my wishes to have the simplest and the cheapest cremation possible. I like those cardboard coffins but it will be out of my hands on the day. I am not sad at all about dying, just hope that my death is quick. Also I have enough money to cover for my funeral and a bit more, so I will feel better when the time comes.
December 16, 2014
my hubby passed away 22 yrs ago. i have the site next to him and a head stone. all my kids need to do is have the date of my dismise on the stone
December 16, 2014
I should do it, but I don’t know what will be the circumstances when time comes; will my husband still be there? my daughters? I think and think…
December 16, 2014
payd for burial but If I have the chance to change for cremation I´ll do it,!
December 16, 2014
Mine is planned. I even wrote an obituary. My wishes are all written down in a binder. No children, so I told a niece who does not live near me where to find the binder.
December 16, 2014
All planned and paid for, right down to the music I want and where my ashes are to be scattered.
December 16, 2014
My parents planned and paid. We were very grateful to be able to focus on loss, recapture and memories. I have planned and fully informed family. My husband is still mid planning since we both have our childhood souls in different countries.
December 16, 2014
Reading this has not done me any good this morning..you can die at any age..lighten up.
December 16, 2014
We planned and paid for,our burial, a cremation, urn and plot. The day we arranged it was the most depressing of my life. I think I cried all day. It brings death right up close to,your face. It was awful, but we did it for the kids. Not that they appreciate it now, but ai am sure they will after we die. Less for them to think about.
October 24, 2014
Too many people want to avoid the subject of death, hoping against all logic that it will never happen.
October 23, 2014
I agree Heather Corney!
October 23, 2014
My husband passed away 17 years ago I bought a plot at that time and I will be buried with him. As far as services go I am leaving that up to my son. I don’t personally care if there is a service or not.
October 23, 2014
End of life planning isn’t about ending your life, it’s about making your wishes known.
October 23, 2014
we have pre-paid, but nothing about what to be said at the funeral
October 23, 2014
Don’t want to plan for that just yet.
October 23, 2014
Yes, it would be great. Luckily our state has a law that allows assisted suicide for terminal illness… maybe it will go farther later on.
October 22, 2014
I think it’s a good idea to figure out what you want, health care issues, money issues, and do you want your crack addict son to make end of life decisions for you.
October 22, 2014
I;m all for it,when I was young no one ever wanted to discuss death,I really think we should all express our wishes,I did what my husband wanted when he died and hope that my wishes will be carried out for me when the time comes,I have given my daughter and doctor my wishes and I do think they will honor them.i agree with Susan Hartle Mac Gregor about dying with dignity.
October 22, 2014
Sorry I don’t find death scary or taboo. It is simply inevitable and I’ll tell you what I am not going to “plan” my death. We already plan far to much in life. I am quite sure when the time comes, if I am aware that it is coming, I will simply wing it. Death is going to be a new experience so I vote for experiencing it.
October 22, 2014
Not at all it should be exciting.
October 22, 2014
I agree with you!!!
October 22, 2014
I dont allow myself to think about it
October 22, 2014
All sorted at 62
October 22, 2014
True as I have done my will and last wishes if I become invalid through sickness or accident. My family knows so they won’t be surprised.
October 22, 2014
Death is inevitable so make your plans make your wishes clear to those close to you. I am 79 not planning to go just yet too many rxciting things to do.
October 22, 2014
Excellent article, full of suggestions.
October 22, 2014
Everything paid for, decisions and instructions in place and will updated. One phone call by family takes care of it all. So now enjoying life, laughing a lot and no worries for me or the family
October 22, 2014
Let God’s time be His. Be braced for bumps and replan so the family doesn’t have to do this for you and by all means have a will.
October 22, 2014
:(
October 22, 2014
My plan is whatever is God’s plan.We all have an appointed time and I’m not taking my life God is in control.
October 22, 2014
Yes I agree. We’ve paid for our cremations and have talked about what we want done with our ashes. Our planning on where to live has been predicated on one predeceasing the other. Death is a fact of life. Planning is key to helping those who are left to cope with the passing of a loved one.
October 22, 2014
Most certainly.
October 22, 2014
Im 62 and not ready to deal with this yet, either. My husband died 19 years ago and remarried for almost 10 years. Financial planning is also done. My kids know enough to make the right decisions…
October 22, 2014
I did it! No worries for my family. It’s not depressing. Its a celebration of my life.
October 22, 2014
We all have to face it some day when the good Lord calls us .
October 22, 2014
Getting burial insurance soon. Don’t want to burden my kids. Empowering indeed.
October 22, 2014
Its OK if the wishes are carried out – but a recent experience has shown me that relatives, funeral organizers etc. can change things to what they think should be done, even if the person has written down what they want.
October 22, 2014
živi danas za vječito sutra
October 22, 2014
It isn’t the last thing on our minds – it’s just one of many things that we all have to take care of. Wills, Advanced Health Directives, funeral plans , are all easy to do and they help to make the end better for your family.
October 22, 2014
My husband didnt leave me any instructions so found it very difficult to organise so leave some instruction
October 22, 2014
I haven’t yet managed to get passed ‘depressing’, the reason being, that it seems to bring to mind any regrets or sad events to mind? I find it hard to focus on the positive things for long because there seem to be so many things/people in my life only too quick to bring me down? Working hard to try and find a path somewhere in the middle, as I know how important this planning is, any tips very welcome, (although doubt I currently have the power for any total life changes) ps thankyou so much sixtyplus just for being there for everyone, (not just for me!)
October 22, 2014
Most of my house in order so to speak!! Live, love,& be HAPPY
October 22, 2014
No Hippocrates crying crocodile tears for me!!!
October 22, 2014
What a great idea Sara Jane, I’ll join you if you don’t mind. Want to go out with a ‘Bang’. The party is on me!!
October 22, 2014
My plans are in place I have donated my body to science .
October 22, 2014
Jumping ship on return portion of world cruise which I put on visa. That’s my plan,,,,yes Dying With Dignity, ,baby boomers will bring this into being, ,love traveling and have not been to the other side yet,,,shall be visiting with friends and family so am looking forward to it when my human suit gets rusty.
October 21, 2014
I want to help my husband and my grown kids all the way to the end. I want it as easy and stress-free as possible for them. They don’t need to be worried about what I would want. They know and it’s taken care of. NOW let’s go and LIVE and not worry!
October 21, 2014
My funeral is prepaid, so my children don’t have to worry about thee details.
October 21, 2014
I don’t want to think about not being here
October 21, 2014
I’m just 70, I’m not ready to be depressed about end of life.
October 21, 2014
we have everything planned and paid for, all that has to be done is call a number,.
October 21, 2014
Done this,no heroic measures to be taken,family all aware.
October 21, 2014
essential – pre pay and plan funeral, saves family worries at a sad time, also for end care and quality of life before that.
October 21, 2014
My husband and I often discussed this before he died and I did as he wished. I have already had this discussion with my Dr. and my daughter. It should not be left til too late. I am a big believer in dying with Dignity. They have a web page for anyone interested.
September 21, 2014
We all die–no one gets out of this life alive. My husband and I often discussed his-so when he became terminily ill I knew exactly what he wanted and followed his wishes. I have already done the same for me as much as possible.
September 19, 2014
One certain fact of life – we all die.
September 18, 2014
So true. Family should know and honor your wishes. I work in a hospital. It can get really ugly when end of life decisions divide family members because plans weren’t made ahead.
September 18, 2014
To be afraid of death is to be afraid in life….
September 18, 2014
Me too Carol and all my sisters and their family too!
September 18, 2014
Yes and they know a little bit, the essential
September 18, 2014
I bought two funeral plans two years ago; one for me and one for my husband. I was 60 at the time. I did it solely because I didn’t want to go and leave it to my family. I also stated I wanted to go quietly, no silly songs, I don’t want a circus
September 18, 2014
Will made,I’m planning a cruise around the world last stop I will exit, ,
September 18, 2014
Done.
September 18, 2014
One subject I don’t like to talk about it.
September 18, 2014
Hate thinking about it.
September 18, 2014
Too busy living right now to think about leaving the world yet.
September 18, 2014
I was not sure whether to post this link, but it was very moving for me and how a young woman prepared for her death. Beautifully written – hope you agree. http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/charlotte-kitley/bowel-cancer-charlotte-kitley_b_5836238.html
September 18, 2014
Start early. When its not imminent it’s easier. Lots of planning required and no matter what you do its hard to make it easier for children. The laws and taxes change so plan for the unknown.
September 18, 2014
After watching my parents pass away with no plans in place, I decided to ease the burden on my children. I went to the local funeral home, prepaid for my service, selected cards and readings, and told my kids it was all taken care of. Some people think it’s ghoulish, but death is a fact of life.
September 18, 2014
No – but I am thinking of making a will….
September 18, 2014
Yes, wiht my father <3