Relationships can be tough at any age, but finding love when we are mature is a stumbling block for many. Join us in discussion with dating coach Lisa Copeland, who is here to share some valuable tips. Enjoy the show!

 

Margaret Manning:

My guest today is Lisa Copeland. Lisa is a dating coach who works exclusively with women over 50. She’s been on our show many times, talking about how to find a quality man. I’m so happy to have you back with us, Lisa. Welcome.

Lisa Copeland:

I’m so happy to be here, Margaret. Thank you for having me.

Margaret:

You always have great insight into this whole process of dating after 50, and many of our women would really like to hear your advice. So how do we find love after 60?

Lisa:

Actually, most people think that they need to go online, create a profile and start from there. I would back it up a little bit, however, because you want to have confidence in yourself first and foremost. That way you’re coming from a position of self-love and empowerment.

You also want to have a really clear vision of the man that you want, and an understanding of men at this age. Once you’ve covered those three things, you have four ways to meet men: online, in real life, through a matchmaker, or through your dating fairy godmother friends.

You really want to use at least two of these options. A lot of women rely on online dating alone, but it is a very tough venue because people make snap decisions about who you are based on your picture.

Margaret:

Yeah, and a lot of people are not that photogenic.

Lisa:

That’s true, but if you have that glow of energy from the inside, that is really what shows up. Still, if you’re not photogenic, you should go meet men in real life. That way you see their personality and what they truly look like.

If you choose to go the online route, you absolutely have to have a great picture that does not include pets or grandchildren. You want pictures of you that show your best assets. If that’s your waist, show it in a far-away shot.

Your smile is one of the things men are most attracted to. So, you definitely want a close-up and show your smile. Men love women’s smiles. When I was dating, that was the thing I would hear most often: “I love your smile,” because it makes you come across as warm.

Margaret:

One of our bloggers, Lisa Dunkle, wrote an article about selfies some time ago. We were both shocked that so many people replied that they hate pictures. They hate taking their picture, and they hate having their pictures taken.

That brings us back to the beginning of this conversation where you said that we don’t start with the guy, we start with ourselves. Until you can look yourself in the mirror and say, “Hey, girlfriend, you look good. You’re doing great,” it would be really hard to go online.

Lisa:

Yes, it can be. But let me share with you something about pictures that’s really, really important. In our age group, we need to use the flash. I’m fine looking in the mirror and saying “Oh yeah, there I am.”

In pictures, however, the light doesn’t come into our eyes. It actually hoods our eyes. So, we need the pop of flash. We really do because it makes our eyes sparkle. You don’t see that in real life or in the mirror, but you do see it in a picture.

Margaret:

It’s really true. Our makeup advisor, Arianne Poole, says that it’s important to play with the lighting in our makeup. There are different makeup techniques that can make the picture sparkle a bit.

Lisa:

Yeah, but do use that flash.

Margaret:

It will make you glow from the inside. So, online dating is a tough world because men tend to, at least they seem to be, looking for younger women. It’s a tough competitive environment.

Lisa:

Actually, men say they want to look for someone who’s younger, but they look at the pictures of women of all ages. This is why a fantastic picture is so important. Don’t use blurry shots, or pictures where you’re too tiny to look at.

You need a good close-up and a good far-away, and if you have a hobby, throw some shots of that too. But the first two are the most important. Don’t hide what you look like, even if you’re a little heavier on the bottom.

We all make up stories about who people are based on pictures. So, when you show up looking totally different, he will think that you lied. Just like we do when men show up looking totally different. Are they really different or do we tell ourselves a story based on pictures and profiles?

Margaret:

So, online dating is a good way to scale your search, but what about going out in the real world? What’s your advice in that scenario?

Lisa:

One of the greatest things you can do to meet a man in real life is write down a list of 26 places in your area, one for each letter of the alphabet.

We think men are not around, but they are everywhere. People have met in the grocery store, taking hikes. You just never know.

Margaret:

That’s a great idea.

Lisa:

Yeah, and you have a place to go to every day. Then smile. When we’re in public, we don’t realize what we look like. But a simple, genuine smile goes a long way. I must be one of those people who naturally smile because people always smile at me.

Margaret:

You’ve got a great smile. You’re beamy.

Lisa:

Thank you, but I realize I’m somehow smiling with my mouth closed. Most people walk around with a frown on their face, and that is not inviting. You want to smile. Make eye contact. Ask a question. Give the guy a compliment and put a question behind it.

Never attach to who someone is and how it’s going to come out. Just look at it as a game of meeting new and interesting men, and you’re not going to get hurt on a deeper level.

Margaret:

I have a funny story to share about that topic. The other week, I was in a little grocery shop, and I walked up to order a coffee. I looked up at this random guy, and he had the most beautiful eyes. He was probably 18, but I just had to say something.

I told him, “You know, you have the most incredible eyes.” He looked down, and I added, “But you knew that, didn’t you?” And he said, “Yeah.” Because there was no doubt he did. He was a very cute guy.

What I’m saying is, this is one way to practice communication with men. Just engage them in random conversation. And it doesn’t matter their age.

Lisa:

We think meeting people just happens out of nowhere. We were not born knowing how the date, and we’re the first generation that’s goes on dates at this age. A lot of us are path-seeker, constantly changing direction and looking for new things and experiences.

Margaret:

So, once you create that list of 26 places, A to Z, you’ve got a full month of activity ahead of you. Then you just visit each place and engage in conversation. Right?

Lisa:

Exactly. Be open to the possibilities. And the cool thing about meeting men in real life is you really see who they are. You won’t be making these crazy stories based on a guy in a profile.

When you meet online, it’s easy to get into a fake relationship before you’re really in a relationship. You talk too much, or email too much, so it’s important to meet someone within two weeks of initial contact.

Margaret:

The third option is matchmakers. They are people that you would hire to provide a list of men that want to meet women like you. So, you just count on someone else’s judgment based on your values and preferences.

Lisa:

Yeah, basically. A lot of women don’t like matchmakers, though. They think that matchmakers make terrible matches, but I think that goes back to having a clear vision of the man you want and who’s going to make you happy.

You don’t want to be looking for instant chemistry, you’re looking for long-term happiness. So women will pay for the service, and then they’ll get aggravated because they meet these men with whom they have no instant chemistry.

That’s bound to happen when you’re basing a relationship on just that one thing. But actually, matchmakers can help you meet men that you might not meet online or might not have access to in the real world.

Margaret:

I’ve never used the services of a matchmaker in my life, but I suppose they might push you towards a situation. They give you encouragement, and perhaps a clear vision to explore the possibilities.

Lisa:

Yeah, and it makes a big difference. When you put your vision down on paper, it’s like an order to the universe. You say, “This is who I want,” and they start showing up. It’s like magic. I swear, I love it.

Margaret:

Where did you meet the guy that you’re with now?

Lisa:

Well, first of all, when a relationship ends, I always take time to heal. This is very important for all of us.

I have a friend where I live, who’s a matchmaker. Since many of my clients ask me about matchmakers all the time, I thought I’d give it a try. So, we actually did meet that way.

But let me tell you, I did not have instant chemistry, though I thought he was cute. As I got to know him, I realized he had everything on my quality-man list. It wasn’t until four months later that the chemistry kicked in.

We had a great friendship that we built until that time. I’d say it’s the best relationship of my life. It’s not because of the matchmaker, but because I knew what to do and I knew to stay with it.

Margaret:

You are a real professional, Lisa. You certainly know what you’re doing and why you’re giving us the advice you’re giving. Not to mention, you’ve got so many wonderful tools on your website that make the experience easy to figure out.

Lisa:

Yeah.

Margaret:

Let’s say you had ten thousand women over the age of 60 in front of you right now, who’d been listening to you talk for the past ten minutes about how to find love in their lives.

Half of them really don’t care that much because they’ve kind of given up. But the other half say, “Okay, I’m going to go for it.” What advice would you give them?

Lisa:

Yeah, the first step is to make sure that you feel good about yourself, no matter what age you are. I have my issues too. My pictures, for instance, trouble me sometimes, especially when I notice a new wrinkle. But we are way more than our wrinkles and our pictures.

So get back in touch with what you have to offer in a relationship. Know your strengths, your greatest features. That’s how you get into dating. In many ways, this is a formula, and if you skip steps, you will get frustrated and blow your self-esteem.

Margaret:

We’ve got nothing to lose, right? In fact, there’s lots to be gained from any kind of relationship with a man. We need male friends, too, and there’s lots of really great stuff that comes out of having male energy around you.

Lisa:

That’s right.

Margaret:

Thank you, Lisa. As always, it’s great to talk with you.

Lisa:

Thanks, Margaret. And you, too.

Margaret:

Take care. Bye for now.

Have you tried to find love and friendship after 60? Did you follow any particular steps, or did you plunge right into the deep waters? Please tell us about your experience in the comments below.

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