Is There a Right Time to Declutter After You Have Lost Someone?
When we have lost a partner, parent, child, or friend, grief overwhelms us so much that it is hard to make the simplest of decisions.
For some, busying ourselves with the practical things that need to happen when a loved one has passed can be a distraction, a way to focus on something other than the terrible sense of loss we are feeling. Focusing on practical tasks that need to be done for a funeral or a memorial can be a comfort to us during such a sad time.
But when things start to settle down, we are surrounded with the stuff of life that is left behind. Clothes, books, sentimental items, hobby items. They don’t belong to us, and we aren’t going to need them, but when do we start to go through them? When is the right time?
There Is No Right Time
Often, we feel under pressure from other family members to get rid of a loved one’s things before we are ready because people think ‘it’s time’. But it might not be the right time for you. Everyone grieves in different ways.
For some, memories are enough, and there is no need for a tangible object to evoke those memories. Others need time to be able to let go of precious things that have deep seated memories attached. Don’t be rushed.
Don’t Make Serious Decisions When Grieving
Someone once told me you should never make a life changing decision when you are grieving, and I have always found that to be such great advice.
Grief can do the strangest things to us and impact our rationale. Letting go of a loved one’s belongings before you are ready can have a long lasting impact. You will know when it feels right.
When Deadlines Loom, Be Selective
Sometimes we do not have the benefit of time. Decisions and actions need to be made quickly. Properties need to be put up for sale, belongings have to be sold. Time pressure can be upsetting and unsettling.
So, we need to be selective with what we keep and create a plan to deal with it. It’s OK to store things in a box until you are ready, but be mindful that the sorting has to happen at some point. Out of sight is often out of mind, so be sure to keep the sorting firmly on your to-do list.
Try and Be Fair When Family Is Involved
Sorting through someone’s belongings is even more difficult when multiple members of the family are involved. People have differing ideas of what should be kept, who is entitled to what, and what is precious and what is not.
It can be one of the tensest times for a family. And it isn’t easy to navigate your way through it. Be mindful that everyone has had a different relationship with the person and try to be firm but fair. Everyone grieves in a different way.
Quality Over Quantity
The belongings of a deceased person are, by nature, sentimental. And the key to keeping things that evoke memories is to favour quality over quantity.
You don’t need every tie your husband owned. Nor do you need every piece of a 72-piece dinner set. You can relive the memory with one or two very special selections.
Share Your Stories
Many of the difficult situations mentioned above can be avoided by some careful pre-planning. To avoid confusion among your heirs, talk about your wishes while you are still able. Be clear in your will about who you would like to have what when you are gone.
Share the history of your memorabilia. Talk about who is who in photos so you can leave behind a history that will live on. Don’t be scared to plan for the inevitable, and your legacy will live on.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Have you had to declutter the belongings of someone who has died recently? Did you find yourself being rushed through the process or were you comfortable that it was the right time? Please share your stories and tips with our community!
I still have 2 boxes of things belonging to my father, he passed away 20
years ago this month. I didn’t mean to
hold on to them but almost a year after he died I found out I had an aggressive form of breast cancer.
I will eventually get round to sorting them out!
That’s very hard Linda. So sorry to hear that x
My husband recently died. For some reason I was fine with his two daughters (my steps) coming back here after the memorial service and cleaning out all of his clothes. In hindsight I realize that it would have been harder to look at them than to have them gone. I was right. Other things like his favorite art and books, were harder to part with. Again, because I have two step children, I feel that they should have their father’s things. So now we have slowed down the process and when they come to visit, little bits go out the door. I am doing all right with this. I am grateful that the three of us have a good relationship, over 42 years, and that we can make decisions together.
The toughest piece is that the girls inherited half of our house when he died. Again, we set it up so that Capital expenses are shared and daily expenses are mine. This, so far, is also working. We are early in the process but I am hopeful for a smooth resolution.
Sorry for your loss, but I admire the fact you are handling these difficult decisions so well. You are also very lucky to have such good stepdaughters.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
It sounds as if you have made a fantastic plan, Well done.