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How Does Date-Dreaming Kill Romance?

By Michele Burghardt July 25, 2023 Dating

Depending on where you are on your dating journey, the first few dates with someone new can be nerve wracking, exciting, or frustrating. It’s all about how you feel. Especially on the first date, it’s typical to hope you’ll like him, and date-dream about how this date may be the start of something more permanent.

And then… BAM!

Thinking About the Future Rather Than Enjoying the Present Can Kill the Romance

It’s not uncommon for a woman to go on a first date in July and, before the check has been paid, begin planning her New Year’s Eve party with him as her plus one, especially if there is some chemistry. It’s easy to do, even for me, and I know better.

I had a date with a man who was better looking in person than he was in his online photos. His good looks threw me off my game a little bit. As a result, I spent more time deciding if I liked him enough to go on date number two, than I did enjoying the date I was on. At the end of the evening, I decided yes, while he decided we were better off as friends.

Well, of course he did. I wasn’t engaged with him very much at all. I wasn’t my fun or flirty self, and I was definitely preoccupied. And I’m sure he could tell. We all think we can talk about one thing while we’re thinking about something else, but that doesn’t really work out very well.

Your First Few Dates Are Designed to Be Discovery Dates

The first few dates with someone new are the time to explore each other so you can determine how much you have in common, whether your lifestyles and values are similar, and if you enjoy each other’s company. This is too early to begin placing him into your future. Forcing yourself to stay in the present is critical to your overall happiness.

At this stage of life it’s easy to think that you have limited options because everyone tells you that all the good men are married. That’s not true. There are over five million single men over 60 in the U.S. alone, and you’re only looking for one. No one man is your last chance for love.

Believing that love is in the air, even for you, helps you let go so you can relax into the journey. Every man you date brings you closer to the man you were meant to be with. And believing this helps you date with less stress and more confidence so you can stay in the moment and have more fun.

Stop Date-Dreaming and Enjoy the Moment

Because dating in the moment doesn’t always come naturally, here are some simple tips to help you stop date-dreaming on your first few dates:

  • Stay off your phone – you want to be focused on him so you won’t miss anything important.
  • Schedule your date with enough time so you won’t be worried about running late to your next event.
  • Set your intention to learn at least one thing about something he does, something he likes, and somewhere he goes. Set your intention to share these same things about yourself.
  • Talk about your surroundings, i.e., if you’re in a coffee shop notice the décor or the aroma so you keep yourself grounded in the moment.
  • Use his name in your conversation. This keeps you present and is a little flirty too. That’s a special bonus!
  • If you find yourself date-dreaming, make a conscious effort to pull yourself back to the present. The more often you do this, the easier it becomes.

Staying in the moment helps to inspire romance on the first few dates and helps to protect your heart. If you date with the feeling that each date is a stand-alone event and not the beginning of a long-term relationship, you’ll be able to say or hear “Next” when it isn’t a good fit. Keeping your heart in check is key to your overall happiness.

If you want more information about how to date great guys, check out my on-demand video coaching program. It will help you take your dating to the next level even if you’re new to the dating scene and feeling a little hesitant.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Do you find yourself date-dreaming into the future while you’re on a date? What tricks do you use to stay in the moment? Has date-dreaming been a hurdle for you?

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Lisa Stege

Gee, 5 million men? that is a very small number, especially when one considers how many may be age-appropriate, and how many are gay, not to mention geographically available. I don’t agree with “long distance” relationships, nor do I want to relocate.

Michele Burghardt

Hi Lisa
Thanks for your note. I appreciate your input.

Perspective is an interesting thing. When I saw 5 million men, I thought Gee that’s a lot. LOL. Especially since I only want one special guy. I don’t like long-distance dating either and like you, wouldn’t consider moving. I always wonder how people really get to know someone when they are so far away.

The one thing I do know is that one of the key indgredient to finding love is to have an open heartset. When you expect to find love your brain kicks into high hear and helps you accomplish your goal. You find what you’re looking for, so my wish for you is that you look for love!

Your Dating Coach, Michele Burghardt, CH.t/NLP

The Author

Michele Burghardt is an author, speaker, and dating coach for women 50 and over with 20 + years of experience in the self-help area. She believes loving yourself is the first step to finding love. You can learn more about her transformational coaching style and her book at

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