The Importance of Establishing Boundaries After 60
I recently found myself in a position where, at the age of 62, I have begun to establish and actually stick with some boundaries.
This came with a complete mindset change – I wasn’t just paying lip service to this idea – it felt very different in my brain. I was setting some boundaries and would be sticking to them.
I had never done this before.
A Bit of Background
I had recently taken on more of a caretaking role for my mother, who I would describe as fairly narcissistic. Our relationship is less than fabulous, but I am her only child and regardless of my feelings overall, I want her to be safe.
Recently, my daughter-in-law had a small medical emergency and needed me to go and take over my grands for a few hours. My mother’s response to this was, “I hope she’s okay by tomorrow so you can get me where I need to go.”
There was zero concern for my daughter-in-law – her granddaughter-in-law. And I knew that if my kids and grands needed me the next day, that’s where I would be. They are my priority.
As it turned out, I was able to get my mother where she needed to go the next day, but it evolved into an entire day-long situation. I dropped her off at her home that night, and I felt different.
I was done. I had reached a new place in terms of what I was willing and able to do for my mother anymore.
I was establishing boundaries.
Boundaries Can Be Tricky, and They Come with Mixed Feelings
Making the decision to limit my availability to my mother as well as end my tendency to drop everything and run if something came up represented a huge change for me. Throughout my life I have always been a people pleaser and a caretaker – always wanting to do what I can to make people comfortable.
I had a realization that I could never make my mother comfortable or happy – and that my trying to do so was harming my own mental health and keeping me from doing the things and being with the people that I loved.
Establishing and respecting boundaries made perfect sense in my brain, but it felt “weird” to me because this was not something that I had EVER done.
My counselor encouraged me to change the word “weird” to the word “uncomfortable.” My action was new. It went against my personality. That didn’t mean it was wrong.
I often talk to the women in my Life Balance After 50 community about how it’s okay for us to sit in discomfort sometimes. Everything isn’t always easy. We aren’t supposed to be happy all the time. And, when we try something different, we should expect it to be uncomfortable.
Especially at the beginning.
I found that as I’ve started to follow through on these boundaries, I’ve felt a bit of discomfort mixed with a good amount of happiness and a healthier feeling overall.
Guilt Around Respecting Our Boundaries
Guilt is a common feeling among the women in this community, particularly when it relates to taking steps that benefit self. Many of us have been raised to smile and go along with whatever is happening, regardless of how we are feeling in the moment.
When we set boundaries, we are self-advocating. We are putting ourselves first. And this is often difficult or uncomfortable.
But is it wrong? Usually, no! And often, these boundaries strengthen us, strengthen our relationships, and make us more accessible and available to the people that we actually want to be there for!
We need to stop feeling guilty just because something we are doing feels right and good!
Saying “No” Doesn’t Come Naturally to Many of Us
We often don’t want to disappoint others. We often want to avoid conflict. Sometimes it just seems easier to say “yes.”
But, when we say “yes” to something or someone, who is not in line with our priorities and values, we are likely saying “no” to something or someone who is.
Because there is only so much time in a day.
Boundaries are important at any age, but after 60 they feel even more important. Time is valuable. Relationships are valuable. And, at this stage of the game, it is okay for us to decide how we want to spend our time and with whom. It is okay for us to take steps to limit toxicity in our lives.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Have you ever had to set boundaries with someone in your life? Was it difficult? Were you able to respect the boundaries that you set? What positive things came of it?
Tags Reinventing Yourself
You described me ( and my deceased mother) to a tee. I set boundary with my brother the other day who has a habit of calling and texting me too late. It felt good and so far he’s respected it. I have trouble setting and/or sticking to my boundaries with my adult son and his girlfriend who are living with me and that doesn’t feel good.
I do find it hard to say no e.g. I’ve been taking a friend of my hubby’s home every Saturday when picking hubby up from the pub I only did it because hubby asked me to and I thought it was only that particular night but it became a permanant thing and we were actually going way out of our way,anyway recently I got a bit off with hubby I said I’d had enough of taking his friend home and it really must stop (it was costing me money because we were going well way out of our way to get him home)anyway rightly or wrongly we agreed in order not to create conflict) to say I was going out with friends and we wouldn’t be able to take him home……well this man literally interigated me where are you going, who with and why!!!!! I was gob smacked, on the way home hubby was so cross it transpired he was really put out that we wern’t taking him home and he’d have to get a taxi and he wasn’t at all happy………the only good thing,as I see it, I will no longer be taking him home again what I’m cross with myself it that I’ve felt I had to make up a story when really I should have just told him the truth we would have still had the same reaction from him, I really hate confrontation….what would you guys have done
Your experience with your mother mirrors my own. I helped her for 20 years until I realized I was living her life and not my own. My calendar was filled with her appointments. I finally told my brother I had to step back. My health was suffering and my husband was ill and needed me. He since passed so it’s been doubly hard to say no when my brother asks if I would be available. I still handle her finances, but at least now I have a life of my own. Establishing boundaries was the best thing I did.
I have been a pleaser for so long… all my 65 years. I often don’t even recognize if something is a boundary issue. I am so used to giving and not putting myself first, I don’t know where to begin.
Thank you so much for writing this! I had a lifelong friend who was like a sister to me. We told each other everything and talked every day. As we got older, she became more and more narcissistic. This created extreme stress for me as my mother with Alzheimers needed more of my attention and my husband was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer. I just didn’t have it in me to explain my reasoning for everything to her countless times. And she asked for things that weren’t rightfully hers, then wouldn’t take no for an answer and kept pushing and pushing. I even tried to ask nicely for her to focus on me once in a while and she’d apologize and say she’d try, but it was always about her and the drama she’d created in her own life. Finally, I stood my ground and – guess what – she dumped me!! I was shocked and hurt at first but my life is my own again and my energy goes where it needs to, to care for myself and those that I love and who appreciate me.
We don’t need toxic people in our lives, ladies!!