Finding Purpose in Your Life After the Caregiving Is Over
Being a family caregiver can be both a full-time job and life’s sole purpose during its duration. One thing is certain, though: The cycle of life continues, and loved ones die.
What then? How do you cope with the void? How do you define a new purpose or reinvigorate an old one?
Everyone of us who has been a caregiver knows that life afterwards is different and may need a careful push in the right direction.
Combating Isolation
It is necessary to set up your post-caregiving life during the caregiving itself. For example, oftentimes family caregivers become isolated. They do not see their friends as much. They turn down social invitations. And in such situation friends are not sure what to do or say.
As those bonds weaken, it takes an effort after the caregiving is over to reestablish those connections or build new friendships.
Caregivers Are Not Prepared
Talking about the end of a caregiving journey is not dissimilar to talking about the beginning. In both cases, people are thrust into new roles and are woefully unprepared.
Simply being aware that your caregiving journey will end someday is an important first step. Just as the caregiving hits you over the head, so does the void it creates when it is over.
Getting to Acceptance
Caregivers experience all kinds of emotions when the journey is over: relief, sadness that the life you once had is gone, guilt of moving on. It can take time to get to acceptance.
For me personally, acceptance came after I took up the offer of grief counseling from the hospice where Mom spent her final hours. For others, it comes through advocacy and writing books.
Maybe you keep a journal and can find comfort in that. Or you immerse yourself in a cause that is related to what a loved one went through. Acceptance is different for everyone. It will happen for you in its time.
Take Care of the Person in Front of You
We try to teach caregivers about taking care of themselves while they are still on the journey. Many do not. In fact, a large number of caregivers predecease the person for whom they are caring.
That was the case with my sister, who passed while taking care of Mom. If you can’t learn the lesson during the caregiving, heed it afterwards. Take stock of your overall well-being. Take care of your physical and emotional self.
Support Needed
Whether you follow what I did and seek grief support afterwards or continue to attend caregiver support groups, it is essential to talk with others.
Unfortunately, there are few, if any, after-care support groups, so often we are left to our own devices about how to cope, where to turn and with whom to talk. The needs of the after-caregiver are different, yet they need to be met.
Health providers have a role in this support. Often, caregivers are ignored by health providers. Statistics show that one in three providers will ask for family caregiver input during the caregiving, and only one in six will ask the caregiver themselves about their own health.
This approach needs to change on many levels and for many reasons, not the least of which is that talking to caregivers improves quality and safety.
Luckily, my physician recognized my caregiver stress early on and addressed it with concern. Now, with Mom gone, he still monitors how I am coping. Choosing the right physician – not just for mom or dad, but for yourself – is critical. Shop around.
Prepare Now
The minute you realize you are in a caregiving situation, you need to prepare for the end of it and proactively maintain your health.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
How about yourself? What can you tell the community about life after caregiving and what tips can you offer? Please share your insights in the comments below.
I was happy to be the caregiver for each of my parents for a decade before their passing. It has been 2 years since my Dad passed and I am still dealing with the after effects physically, socially and financially. Just recently I’ve been able to reflect on my relationships with them and remember with a smile. Sadly, in my case, it ended a 30 year marriage and resulted in being alienated from my children and grandchildren. The only thing that has gotten me through are the lifelong friendships I worked hard to foster throughout life. Do not take your friends for granted … because family isn’t always family
Oh this hits home. I cared for a loved one for many, many years, and lost my friends, my family, my social life, and then myself in the process. She passed away just two months after our first lockdown began. So for the best part of two years I was alone, grieving and lonely, lost and perplexed, and with no idea what I was supposed to do. I had no strength. Caregiving had taken its toll and I was unable to walk for nearly five months after her passing. I come from a large family, but no one, not even once, checked to see if I was ok. I ended up having a heart attack. I had a lot to learn about putting myself first. I’m still learning, and I’m finding out who I am after all the years of being who someone else needed me to be. I tell people in similar situations who are caring for loved ones what my story was and is, and pray that they will not let go of themselves while caring for their loved one.
Thanks Barb for sharing. I wish you well.
You sound like a wonderful, caring person. I’m currently caring for my father & life as I knew it has disappeared. I feel I can understand your position a lot. No one comes forward to offer help or ever to ask how I am doing. You must have felt so afraid when you were alone & unwell. I pray that you have learned how much you matter, how not to let others uncaring ways stop you from being the person you are. Look after yourself, be kind to yourself & know you matter.