Irritable Male Syndrome and Other Changes in Relationships As We Age
Just between you and me, I’ve secretly been worried that my significant other and I will get on each other’s nerves after I retire. I wasn’t planning on sharing this with anyone until last week.
Last Saturday, while ordering a bite to eat at a local coffee shop, I happened to ask one of the co-owners, a woman in her early 70s, where her husband was. She said, “I sent him home because he was acting like a jerk… And if he ever points his finger at me again, I’m going to chop it off with a knife.”
A few days later, another woman about my age told me that after she and her husband retired, he got so irritable that she moved out for a month. I started to wonder if these experiences were more common than mere coincidence.
I began reading about changes that occur in relationships when people retire or get older. I’ll confess, I started doing a little research based on my own biased belief that males are more likely than females to become irritable after retirement.
Read How to Create Your Retirement Bucket List.
The Source of the Problem?
Sure enough, I was able to find several articles on something called Irritable Male Syndrome that confirmed my bias. Apparently, this is a real condition that some doctors blame on a drop in testosterone.
Symptoms of Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS) can include moodiness, irritability, depression, reduced energy, trouble sleeping, and bursts of anger.
Michael Gurian, author of The Wonder Aging: A New Approach to Embracing Life After Fifty, argues that a drop in testosterone is only part of the issue for men. He points to the challenges men face related to a loss of identity such as no longer being viewed as athletic or having a work-related title.
Armed with articles and studies about IMS, I decided that this issue was likely the primary cause of an argument my husband and I recently had.
I carefully shared that aging and retirement affects people in different ways. I then gently shared what I’d learned about what males experience. I told him what I had learned helped me realize I needed to be more understanding.
Read Retirement: How to Find New Joy with Your Spouse.
Who, Me?
At first, my husband didn’t say much. After a few minutes, he calmly acknowledged that retirement and aging do bring changes and unexpected challenges.
Because he retired several years ago, my husband expressed some anxiety about losing his ‘space’ and personal time in anticipation of my retirement in a few months.
At that point, I felt like we were having a needed conversation. I understood his concerns better and thought I had a better idea of how we could move forward together.
But then my husband shared an observation I hadn’t addressed. He said, “You know, you’ve been pretty stressed and intense lately. I don’t know if you’re aware of how anticipating retirement has affected you [and us] too.”
As soon as my husband shared his observations, I knew what he said was true. He wasn’t the first person to point out that I had been intense. In fact, one of my own students recently told me that I was rather intense.
Even though I felt positive about my pending retirement, I was also aware that I had some digestive problems which I tend to experience when I’m especially stressed.
I am one of those people who does a lot of preparation for any change, but I realized retirement meant I would still be losing something familiar including a built-in community, meaningful work, recognized accomplishments, and excellent health insurance that Medicare and supplemental insurance couldn’t completely replace.
As Michael Gurian and others noted, women also may experience irritability during major changes, but tend to express it differently than men. Women are more likely to fret more or talk more. Men may have a greater tendency to express their frustrations by yelling or getting angry.
Read How to Survive a Marriage: Humor Is Cheaper than Divorce After 60.
What Can Help?
Recognizing how we express stress and how it affects others is an important first step in making positive changes in our personal lives and relationships.
Research does suggest that eating right, exercise, getting sufficient sleep, practicing relaxation techniques and limiting extra sugar and alcohol can help improve our overall mood. I am trying to get more exercise. So far, I think it is helping me with my stress level.
If we are able to recognize our own stress – or if someone kindly helps us recognize it – then we also have an opportunity to improve our relationships through communication.
Whether it is with a spouse, a friend, a roommate or a relative, each of us affects others. Important relationships take constant work because we are all constantly changing.
My significant other and I have had some additional conversations about how we both see our shared retirement lives. We talked about our ‘together’ goals and dreams and our ‘personal’ goals and dreams.
We also talked about how each of us needed our own space at times. It will be important for both of us to keep the lines of communication open as we face a new, sometimes uncertain, but exciting future together.
FAQ: The Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS)
1. What is Irritable Male Syndrome (IMS)?
Irritable Male Syndrome refers to a condition characterized by mood swings, irritability, and emotional hypersensitivity in men, often associated with hormonal changes, particularly fluctuations in testosterone levels.
2. What causes IMS?
IMS can be triggered by:
- Hormonal Changes: Declining testosterone levels due to aging, stress, or health conditions.
- Chronic Stress: Persistent stress can disrupt hormone balance and emotional regulation.
- Lifestyle Factors: Poor diet, lack of exercise, and inadequate sleep.
- Underlying Health Issues: Conditions like depression, low thyroid function, or metabolic disorders.
3. What are the symptoms of IMS?
Common symptoms include:
- Increased irritability or anger
- Emotional outbursts or hypersensitivity
- Fatigue or low energy levels
- Reduced libido or sexual performance issues
- Depression or feelings of sadness
- Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
4. How is IMS diagnosed?
There is no formal diagnostic test for IMS. Diagnosis typically involves:
- A thorough medical history review
- Blood tests to check testosterone and other hormone levels
- Evaluation of lifestyle factors and psychological health
5. Can IMS affect relationships?
Yes, IMS can strain personal relationships due to increased irritability, mood swings, and reduced emotional availability. Partners may feel confused or frustrated by the behavior changes.
6. How can IMS be managed?
Management strategies include:
Medical Treatment: Hormone replacement therapy (HRT) if low testosterone is diagnosed.
Lifestyle Changes:
- Regular exercise to boost mood and testosterone levels.
- A balanced diet rich in nutrients that support hormonal health.
- Adequate sleep to regulate mood and stress.
Stress Reduction: Techniques like mindfulness, meditation, or counseling.
Therapy: Individual or couples therapy to address emotional and relational challenges.
7. Is IMS the same as andropause?
No, although IMS and andropause (male menopause) both involve hormonal changes, IMS focuses more on behavioral and emotional symptoms, while andropause refers to a gradual decline in testosterone levels with age.
8. What role does testosterone play in IMS?
Testosterone influences mood, energy, and sexual function. Low or fluctuating testosterone levels can lead to the irritability and emotional changes seen in IMS.
9. Can IMS be prevented?
While hormonal changes are natural, you can reduce the risk or severity of IMS by:
- Maintaining a healthy lifestyle
- Managing stress effectively
- Regularly monitoring testosterone levels, especially after 40
- Seeking medical advice early for any noticeable symptoms
10. How does IMS differ from traditional mood disorders?
Unlike mood disorders such as depression or anxiety, IMS is often closely linked to hormonal changes. Treatment often focuses on restoring hormonal balance alongside addressing emotional symptoms.
Read Want a Happy Marriage After 60? Take These 5 Fast Actions Today!
Also, read Have You and Your Spouse Run Out of Things to Talk About?
Let’s Have a Conversation:
How has retirement affected you and your significant other? Has there been more stress and irritability? Who has taken this transition better, in your opinion? I look forward to your thoughts!
Tags Marriage After 60
My husband is 65 and newly retired (7 weeks) and he has been more than I can handle. Moody, nit-picky, looks for any reason to argue and micromanage not just me, but our adult children and sitting around all day on the computer, watching TV, playing with his 3D printer and not cleaning up until late afternoon is just not sitting well. I went to visit my 86 year old dad for 10 days and caring for him was a vacation compared to living with “Oscar the Grouch”. I sometimes think my gut instinct was right that he probably should not have retired because he sure as hell is NOT happy. Going to be a big adjustment and a drain on my sanity.
My husband is 73 and I am 63 he was made to retire during covid. He was a pipefitter quality control person and still super active climbing towers doing a lot of walking etc. I own two businesses and bought cows for him because he said he just wanted to retire and by and sell cows and work on our small farm. He has not been happy about the farm work so our 12 year old we adopted, does a lot f that work. So now he wanted to work with me , I taught him how to groom dogs and he helps sell products at my embroidery shop. I do my best to keep him from the strenuous outside work but he wants me to give him all of my cash we bring in and still complains he needs more money.
He has become more and more grouchy and almost violent. I am concerned about another heart attack when he yells. I’m just at my wits end. I have also encouraged him to do his charity work once a month and he enjoys men’s breakfast two or three times a month.
Help what else can I do?
My husband is 74, and has become progressively grouchier as time goes by. I would have never described him as an angry person, but he is now. Unlike so many men who lose their identity when they retire, he continues to have a rewarding career as a musician, as he did when he also had a full time job. I’m sure at least part of the reason for the change is diminished hormones. Other than that, I just can’t say why.
I’m 63 and retried on disability male I find myself at times going thru an angry streaks I am limited on exercise cause I need a knee replacement my wife still works so I am alone most of the time. I do have 2 dogs and a cat I love. It’s just I find myself angry feelings and then I don’t want to do anything.
This is super interesting to me. My husband is on the cusp of retirement, and I work with him. Yet I already notice these changes in him. When we go to the gym he always speaks with deep regret about how strong he was, in younger years. He feels diminished at work as “an old man” and worries all the time about finances once we are no longer working. He has always been pessimistic yet these days he is a ball of anxiety, is snappy, sleeps horribly… in my best moments I have deep compassion for him. I try to be supportive but to be honest, sometimes I just can’t take it. I need so much psychological strength just to deal with my OWN feelings about aging, etc, that I am too depleted to be a safe place for him, too often. I love him, he loves me and we have been married for 42 years, but this is tough to navigate and I am taking his crankiness personally, even though I know it is not meant for me.
Yep! The struggle is real.
Yes it’s tough. Even harder when they don’t recognise what is happening, or accuse you of gaslighting them because you suggest counselling or seeking help from your doctor.
Dare to push back in any way just fires up the codependent behaviour. I.e.she pisses me off, so I drink, or I sit and look at my phone all day and f@%& her.
I’m really over it, and if he doesn’t want to do something about it, I don’t know how much more I can take.