Have We Lost Our Desire to Small Talk?

I don’t know about you, but as I get older, my tolerance for small talk decreases. In my active career days, I used to be in a profession in which schmoozing was important. I often took CEOs of public companies out to dinner to discuss their business goals. I advised many management teams and formed meaningful relationships with the investment community. Trust me when I tell you, a lot of small talk was involved.

Lower Tolerance for Idle Chit Chat

Now, however, I find that my tolerance for idle chit chat is not very high. I don’t know if I am all talked out, or if I just rather be spending my time having more significant conversations with people who are more important to me.

I noticed this pattern developing back at the start of the school year. There is an annual coffee for parents at my son’s school. I didn’t go. The thought of hanging around for 1.5 hours discussing how our summers were and which classes our kids were taking this year just didn’t appeal to me.

More recently, there was a gathering of my condo community in order for all the neighbors to get to know each other better. I didn’t go to this either. Anyone I want to know, I already do and am in contact with. Bah humbug!

More and more often, I find myself at gatherings and I can’t wait for the cocktail hour to end. I have this general feeling of wasting time, eager to move on to the main event.

Socioemotional Selective Theory

Thinking that the issue must be with me – after all, I used to be so good at small talk and enjoyed learning about other people’s interests – I did some research and, no, I’m not alone. Evidently, Socioemotional Selectivity Theory is at play.

Sounds scary, doesn’t it? It’s not. Basically, priorities change throughout our lifetime and as we age, we have a tendency to want more meaningful relationships and have less tolerance for shallow interactions. I am not so unique and am experiencing what many others do at my age: taking an inventory of one’s life and focusing on what really matters. This is just another result of aging that I didn’t see coming. Turns out, I’m not a total narcissist; I just value my time.

Not everyone experiences this, and I actually have one friend whose social life has expanded as she got older. Other friends have reinforced the notion that one’s friend circle gets smaller as you age.

The Value of Time Becomes More Prevalent as We Age

I don’t want to be rude, but my time is valuable. That wonderment I experienced as a young adult has definitely lessened, and I am finally realizing that I don’t need to be the life of the party, nor have many invitations. Being active in activities that I enjoy, having a tight group of friends, and being healthy are all I need to be happy and productive.

So, the next time you are bored in a conversation, by all means excuse yourself. Small talk is just that – small, polite conversation about unimportant or uncontroversial matters (that is the actual definition from a dictionary). If the topic interests you, that’s great, if not – don’t feel bad walking away in order to participate in something that you find more compelling. In the spirit of Joan Rivers, if someone asks, “Can we (small) talk,” don’t feel bad if you simply don’t want to. At our age, we have earned that privilege.

Also read I’m Having an Issue with Growing Old.

Let’s Discuss:

Do you find yourself becoming more of a wall flower as you get older or are you still the life of the party? Have you noticed a shift in your behavior in social settings?