Navigating the Patriarchy: Why You Don’t Need a Seat at Their Table (Create Your Own)
For generations, women have been told to fight for a seat at the table – whether it’s in boardrooms, politics, or community leadership. And while progress has been made, many tables are still governed by the unwritten rules of patriarchy, designed to exclude or minimize women’s voices.
Here’s a radical idea: What if you stopped waiting for a seat at their table and built your own instead? By creating your own opportunities and spaces, you can thrive on your own terms, unshackled by outdated systems.
Let’s explore how to navigate patriarchal structures, redefine success, and claim your power by building something better.
Why the Patriarchy’s Table Isn’t Always Worth It
1. The Rules Were Made Without You in Mind
Patriarchal systems often operate with biases and barriers that exclude women, especially those who don’t fit the mold of what a leader “should” look or act like. Fighting for inclusion at these tables can feel like trying to play a rigged game.
2. Tokenism Doesn’t Equal Power
Even when women do get a seat, they’re often treated as tokens rather than equals. This can lead to feelings of isolation or pressure to conform rather than bringing your authentic self to the table.
3. It’s Exhausting to Fit In
Constantly battling for recognition in a space that wasn’t built for you is draining. Instead of channeling your energy into conforming, imagine what you could achieve by creating your own space.
Building Your Own Table
1. Define Your Vision
Before building your own table, get clear on what it looks like. Ask yourself:
- What values do I want this space to reflect?
- Who do I want to include?
- What kind of impact do I want to make?
For example, maybe your table is a community group, a new business, or a creative project that uplifts others while staying true to your values.
2. Start Where You Are
You don’t need permission or perfect conditions to begin. Start small:
- Host a meeting or event focused on an issue you’re passionate about.
- Launch a blog, podcast, or social media platform to amplify your voice.
- Collaborate with like-minded individuals to create something new.
3. Invite the Right People
Your table doesn’t have to include everyone – focus on those who align with your vision and values. Diversity of thought, experience, and perspective will strengthen your table, so seek collaborators who bring unique skills and insights.
Navigating Existing Tables While Building Your Own
Sometimes, you still need to engage with patriarchal systems while creating your own path. Here’s how to balance both:
1. Choose Your Battles
Not every fight is worth your energy. Focus on challenges that align with your goals and let go of the rest. It’s okay to walk away from spaces that don’t value you.
2. Use Their Resources to Build Your Vision
If you’re part of an existing table, leverage the resources, connections, and skills you gain there to fuel your own projects. Think of it as collecting tools for your toolkit.
3. Advocate for Change When Possible
While you’re at their table, push for meaningful changes that benefit others. Your voice can pave the way for the next generation, even if you eventually step away.
Examples of Women Who Built Their Own Tables
1. Oprah Winfrey
When Oprah faced challenges in traditional media, she didn’t wait for validation. She created her own network, OWN, and became one of the most influential women in the world.
2. Sara Blakely
Founder of Spanx, Sara built a billion-dollar empire by challenging norms in the fashion industry and creating products women actually needed.
3. Your Local Heroes
Look around your community. Chances are, there are women who’ve started nonprofits, small businesses, or advocacy groups to address unmet needs. These women are proof that creating your own table is possible.
The Benefits of Building Your Own Table
1. Authenticity
When you build your own space, you can show up as your true self without worrying about fitting into someone else’s mold.
2. Freedom
You set the rules and define success on your terms. There’s no need to compromise your values to fit in.
3. Empowerment
Creating your own opportunities inspires others to do the same. Your courage to break away from the norm can have a ripple effect.
Conclusion: Take the Power Back
You don’t have to wait for permission to lead. By building your own table, you take control of your narrative and create a space where you and others can thrive. Whether you’re starting a business, organizing a community, or simply carving out a life that reflects your values, remember: The power is in your hands.
So, what kind of table will you build? The possibilities are endless, and the world is ready for what you have to offer.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
What space have you built for yourself? How have you made it uniquely yours? What rules have you created?
Tags Inspiration
I am a 66 year old financial advisor. I started many years ago in the 1980’s as a sales assistant. This was a traditionally male field and I was 21. Through the years with the encouragement of my male boss, I started obtaining my financial licenses. I have lived in 4 states. For the past 10 years my financial advisory practice focuses on women who are considering, in process and post divorce. Most are over 50.
Let me share my observations:
We are MUCH further ahead in traditionally male dominated fields that we were in the 1980.
Many women STILL go into helping fields such as nursing, teach, social work that pay less, which accounts for wage disparity.
Women have not LEARNED or are AFRAID to NEGOTIATE. I wish they would teach this skill. Many women negotiate at home but are UNCOMFORTABLE doing so in the workforce.
They are too worried about being “nice and liked” instead of RESPECTED.
The qualities that make women great in many ways hurt them when dealing with men in business.
I tell women when they are dealing with men in business, GET TO THE POINT!! Women often talk too much.
If a man cuts you off while you are speaking to a group, DO NOT SHUT UP or down. You say, “Excuse me, I was talking”. DO NOT APOLOGIZE.
Women need to stop freaking apologizing when they talk or take up space!!! Almost every trip to the grocery store a women will pass me with her buggy and say, “I’m sorry”. I often, stop her and ask, “Why are you apologizing for taking up space. Please just say, “excuse me. If you run into me with your buggy than you can apologize”.
BTW way you keep apologizing for sharing an idea to a group of men you lose your power.
NEVER use the the sentence, “I FEEL. Always say, “I THINK”.
I have an entire group of competent professionals in the legal, private detective, real estate and therapist. I refer to them as my “girl mafia”..
Several years ago a very successful man in my office went after an account of mine. I walked up to him and said, “If you ever go after my business again, I will eat your f *ck*n liver”. He looked horrified but never did it again.
There will always be SOME men who are jerks, and are threatened by women in business. Most are not. If women want to do business in a male field they need to LEARN how. I really do not care to the term Patriarchy in today’s world.
From 40 years of work experience I agree with so much of this. But one slight improvement:
Instead, just SAY the thing. Just state it (it’s a given that you think what you’re about to say.)
As in, don’t say “I think our declining sales figures in France suggest we need to improve marketing there. I think we should start a marketing effort, and I think Jane and Sarah would be good to help me do that. I think we could have results by the thrid quarter of next year.”
Instead, say: “Our declining sales figures in France mean we need to improve marketing there. I’m going to lead that push; Jane and Sarah will join me. We’re aiming for results by the third quarter of next year.”
I love your advice, but I never liked being called a ‘girl’ (as an adult). How did your “girl” mafia feel about that?
I wrote a whole chapter about being called “a girl” as an adult in my book. Referring to adult men as boys is almost unheard of (unless you are referring to amateurish behavior) but tolerated in our society when applied to women. People don’t see how his keeps females in a subservient role. An executive brought a team of women in for a sales pitch and referred to them as “his girls.” I cringed every time he said it and promptly showed him the exit.
I tell women all the time to stop saying “I’m sorry” when I hear it it being said in the wrong context. So many women apologize for their thoughts, for expressing themselves, for being authentic. We must change this.
I completely agree with your idea! However, I find it disappointing that when I encourage women to identify their needs and take their own path, they often shy away; yet they still express concerns about being marginalized.