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Widows Rock! Thriving in Stage 3 of Widowhood

By Kathleen M. Rehl October 14, 2023 Mindset

My husband died in my arms right before Valentine’s Day 16 years ago. I soon found a quote by Alan Watts that became my mantra for many months afterward as I moved through the initial phases of widowhood: “The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.”

On the fifth anniversary of my late husband’s passing, I wrote these words in my journal: “I am so much more than just a widow. I’m a thriving, independent woman!” That day, I knew I was in Stage 3, a phase marked by remarkable transformation for many widows.

This chapter held its rewards for me, as it does for other women who experience the profound pain of a spouse’s death.

It’s a time of reawakening and embracing life with renewed purpose. It’s about finding joy, nurturing relationships, and leaving a legacy beyond our lifetime. For some, as it was for me, it may even be a time of reinvention. Each widow’s journey is unique, but the common thread that unites them is the resilience and strength to navigate this path with grace and courage.

As those of us who have experienced widowhood honor the past and embrace the future, we not only survive but thrive, and in doing so, we can inspire others.

Go from Grief to Growth

Stage 1, the grieving phase, focuses on immediate needs. Widows apply for death benefits, assess their financial situation, and avoid making significant, irreversible financial decisions. For those who practice yoga, it’s akin to taking deep breaths and finding new stability without their spouse. While deeply personal, grief can be a shared experience. Support from friends, family, or care groups can be a lifeline during this challenging time. Focus on self-care.

Navigate Financial Waters

As widows transition into Stage 2, the growth phase, they delve deeper into financial matters. This step may involve adjusting investment strategies, evaluating insurance coverage, updating wills and beneficiary forms, and contemplating whether to stay in their homes or relocate.

For those with minor children, considerations extend to managing finances as a single-parent family. Consider pre- and post-retirement issues. Life starts to regain equilibrium. It’s a time for careful planning, so seeking guidance from professionals experienced in assisting surviving spouses can be invaluable.

Embrace Transformation

Stage 3 can represent a period of fulfillment and transformation. This stage carries profound significance as new purposes and interests begin to emerge. As widows embrace life without their spouse, they may engage in advanced wealth-management issues, including more complex legacy planning, bequests, and trust agreements.

They may also consider integrating a charitable aspect into their plans. Some widows embark on new careers, volunteer work, or start a business during Stage 3. It’s a time to reflect on the legacy they wish to leave behind and how to ensure their financial resources align with their values.

For me, discovering a new focus in life was an exhilarating journey. Advocating for widows and their financial issues became my passion and mission going forward. That included writing, speaking, and doing research about widows and money. Indeed, this contributed significantly to my personal healing process.

Many widows have shared with me that they experienced renewed purpose through extended family bonds, professional work, and meaningful volunteer activities. Finding a sense of purpose beyond oneself can be profoundly fulfilling and transformative.

Find Joy

During Stage 3, spending time with loved ones, taking up a different hobby, or traveling to new locations can be especially fun. The companionship of family and friends, with cherished delightful moments and experiences, is terrific. I love hosting family gatherings with our adult kids and grandchildren for several days.

Same for friendship groups, such as the annual “girlfriends getaway” I do with three gals from across the country. We rent an Airbnb house for several days, choosing an exciting site to visit. We have so much fun together on these trips. I made a photo collage to lock in memories after we traveled to Asheville, North Carolina.

Manage Relationships

For those considering a new romantic relationship, exercise caution. Unscrupulous suitors may expect financial support from widows. Keep your financial matters private until you understand the other person better.

Discussing finances with a partner is imperative when considering remarriage or a committed long-term relationship. Finding love again can be a beautiful part of the journey. Still, it’s essential to approach it with care and consideration. Based on our research of widows who re-partnered, here are ten questions to ask your potential partner before committing.

As a wise 92-year-old widow told me, “Stay away from those who see you as a purse or a nurse.” She was right! I met some of those fellows, including one guy who asked for a loan on our second date. Bye-bye to him quickly! Through my research on widows and money, I’ve heard many horror stories from duped women.

I met Charlie four years after my late husband died. His wife passed away nine years previously. He and I got along well, including a similar philosophy about money. He’s also great with the outdoor grill, while Charlie says I bake award-winning gingersnap and chocolate chip cookies! Although I initially didn’t plan to remarry, we tied the knot at a small backyard wedding, with our blended families present seven years later. This year, we celebrated our fifth anniversary.

Craft Your Legacy

Stage 3 is an ideal time for sharing one’s stories, values, history, and gifts for future generations. These activities can take various forms, such as print, photo, video, audio recordings, or documents. They might include scrapbooks, paintings, memory books, and cookbooks.

Suppose you want to share your beliefs, aspirations, memories, and life experiences with your family and friends. In that case, this free eBooklet, Legacy Lifeprint Letters & Stories, may be helpful. I’ve written several legacy letters for my family members.

Leave a Lasting Impact

As I’ve done, some may include a charitable gift in their estate plan. After my passing, a portion of my retirement account will benefit Soaring Spirits International, an organization serving widowed persons. I included several other nonprofits promoting social and racial justice work, too.

Embrace Your Transformed Life

While most widows will always cherish their late spouse and their shared life, widowhood offers a different and meaningful path forward. It’s a phase where we can discover the depths of our resilience, our passions’ power, and our spirit’s strength.

Yes, we have loved. Yes, we have lost a significant part of our previous life. But, as we steps into this transformed life, we can discover a meaning and purpose that is uniquely our own. Embrace Stage 3 with open arms and an open heart. Widows Rock!

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Are you a Stage 3 widow or on your way to this phase? Have you observed a friend or relative in Stage 3? What personal insights can you share with other women? We’d love to post your thoughts here.

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Wilhelmina

Lost husband 6 years ago. I was married 39 years when he died. The changes in family dynamics has been dramatic. I played nice widow year one, yesr 2 I went for counseling because I wanted to get better and I still had a life to live- early 60’s. Started dating- went out with a alcoholic who if it wasn’t for some dear friends I would too be in the bottle. Met husband number 2 in October of 2018, went on a Christmas cruise with him that year- he asked me to marry him on the ship. We married at home the following April. He too is a widow…we sold my house, sold husband house found our dream home out in the country. He is the most positive amazing man that I know. We count our blessings every day…

Kathleen Rehl

Wilhelmina, thanks for sharing your uplifting story.

Lisa Stege

Commenting on the article above, I would say that it is NEVER a good idea to share your financial information with anyone. That includes female friends as well.

Kathleen Rehl

Lisa, everyone’s situation is different, and you know what’s best for yourself. For others, there will be appropriate times to share some financial information. For example, who needs to know about my accounts if I cannot manage my affairs?

The Author

Kathleen M. Rehl, Ph.D., CFP®, wrote the award-winning book, Moving Forward on Your Own: A Financial Guidebook for Widows. She owned Rehl Financial Advisors for 18 years before an encore career empowering widows. Now “reFired,” Rehl writes legacy stories and assists nonprofits. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Kiplinger’s, CNBC, and more. She’s adjunct faculty at The American College of Financial Services.

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