Taboos Take 2: Bullying, Incontinence, Care Home, Grief

After writing an article on Taboos a few weeks ago, I was struck by the number of comments and thought I would add a few more things that, perhaps, we need to talk about a little more…

Bullying

We often associate bullying with childhood, but it is very much a part of adulthood too. We can be bullied by our boss, our spouse, colleagues, friends, parents, siblings and even our children. It may be something you have suffered throughout your life, or it may have happened as you got older. Sadly, elder bullying is very much a growing trend.

Bullying has many forms and can include neglect, physical and emotional abuse, psychological and financial. For me, one of the hardest things to contemplate is bullying by your own children. The same children that you brought into the world, loved and cared for more than anyone else, and would probably have laid down your life for.

Always find someone to confide in if you are being bullied, or, at the very least, write it down. Remember it doesn’t have to be like this. If someone asks you something you are not comfortable with, say ‘No’, or ‘Can I take a while to think about that and get back to you’. It gives you a little time and space to consider your response.

Incontinence

As we age, there are changes to our body which can cause leakage. However, it is always important to check with your doctor when this occurs, as there may be other reasons. Incontinence is one of the real fears of people when they age, but there are things that can be done to help prevent, or even reverse, it.

Pelvic exercises can strengthen the pelvic floor muscles and may help prevent leakage. Aqua aerobics can be very beneficial for older people as it can help strengthen your pelvic floor in a safe environment, without fear of falling over. There are also medications that may help, and surgery is available for some.

We are fortunate today that there is a wide range of products available including mattress protectors, pads, and leakproof pants. Pads and pants can be especially useful, providing confidence if you sneeze or cough. Remember you are not alone, in the UK there are currently over three million people with urinary incontinence.

Care Home

Care homes can provide a lifeline to people and make a huge difference to their life… or they can provide guilt, worry, fear, anxiety. Many people do enjoy life in a care home but for relatives, deciding to place a loved one in a care home can be a very hard decision.

Caring for someone is tough. It is exhausting. But it can also be a privilege and a blessing. Each situation is unique and only those involved can really know what is right for them. I think the most important consideration is ‘Will the person who will be going into the home, plus the people who care for them, benefit?’

Caring full-time for someone is extremely hard work, especially if they need round the clock care. Before any decision is made, look at all the options available. Could someone else lighten the load, perhaps a family member, friend, neighbour or home help? If then the decision is made for someone to go into a care home, you will know that you have explored all other avenues. Hopefully, this should help make the choice a little easier.

If you are the one who needs to make the decision, be gentle on yourself. If your loved one is being cared for by others, it allows you to get your strength back, and have the energy, and time, to focus on both your wellbeing and theirs. Not so easy when you are exhausted, stressed and worried. You have made the choice with love and consideration, and that is all anyone can ask.

Grief

Grieving is probably one of the most painful emotions we ever experience. We go through life knowing that, at some point, all of us will die, yet we rarely talk about it. Knowing a loved one’s wishes can really help reduce some of the pain, so it is worth having the conversation, however difficult.

The way we grieve depends on many factors, and there is no one-size-fits-all. In my experience, we learn over time to accept what has happened, and to master how to reduce the physical and emotional pain. Grieving is exhausting… we don’t sleep properly, we don’t eat regularly, our head aches, our eyes sting, our throat is sore. Our mind races back and forth… Could I? Should I? Did I?

Talk to those you have lost, it can lessen the feeling of missing them. Be gentle with yourself and take as much time as you need. It is often a long process, but you will get there. Life may not ever be the same, and it may seem impossible to imagine ever being happy again. But, little by little, you may find yourself humming a song, smiling to yourself, or even laughing at some wonderful memories you have. The person you have lost may not be physically present, but they are always with you. You will be ok.

Let’s Talk About It:

What topics do you consider taboos and why? If you have a difficult time with a particular topic, who do you talk it over with?