Your Adult Children Are All Grown Up. Get Over It!
Having children is overrated. People think that you raise your kids until they’re 18 and then it’s over. No, it isn’t. It’s never over because your kids eventually become your parents.
My children are all grown up, and I’d love to get over them. I can’t. They’re my children, but I don’t understand them any more than I understand the man I married.
I look at my boys and wonder how they actually grew up without me. They claim I didn’t cook or take them to Hawaii at Christmas. They say they were latchkey kids. Most of the time I can’t even talk to my adult children.
I was visiting one of my sons, Jonathan, and his three boys in Las Vegas. The weekend assault was over and he was driving me to the airport. I was exhausted.
“You were really good this weekend, Mom,” he said. I was thinking how often I put tape over my mouth and didn’t say what I was thinking over the last few days. The whining, thumb sucking, coddling, candy and sugar were difficult to ignore.
“Really, I was good?” I asked him, like one of his boys desperately wanting approval. “Did I get an A this visit? Usually, I’m pulling Ds or even Fs.”
Welcome to the World of Adult Children
Adult children get to confront their parents no matter their age. Mine tell me that I overstepped my boundaries if I say what I think. Yet, it’s perfectly okay for them to attack me. Family management is not necessarily a democracy.
I would not have dreamed of talking to my parents the way my boys talk to me. I didn’t respond to my mother, even as an adult, when she criticized me for just about everything I did.
On her deathbed, she still had to comment on what I was wearing. “Why are you wearing a T-shirt in the middle of winter?” she asked. She had no idea that it was 105 degrees in the house. She was bundled up like a snow bunny.
I spent a year in therapy to sort out the complicated nuances of being a parent to adult children. I was curious as to why my adult children – and maybe others in the boomer generation – felt the need to parent or criticize their parents.
My therapist said: “It has nothing to do with you. It’s their adult issues that come out and spill onto you, your behavior, activities and lifestyle, which they may or may not approve of. Your sons have issues. Probably you ex-husband is even complicit and influences your sons in a variety of unconscious ways.”
When we attempt to sort out family issues involving our adult children, we walk a fine line. We certainly have to practice mindfulness in all aspects of the family dynamic. And parents have to practice not speaking the first thought that comes to mind. After all, the first thought comes from judgment, and it usually becomes the subject of confrontation.
It’s approaching summer now and we will all soon be encountering family outings and vacations – hopefully. Let’s see how the parents of adult children can better understand and emotionally cope with the energetic dynamics of family communication.
Here are a few suggestions to think about:
Possess Situational Awareness
Make sure you understand the dynamic of the environment before you speak. Note who is controlling the conversation, who is adversarial and who is amenable or conciliatory.
Steer clear of the angriest person or the person who always must be right and win the argument.
Try Not to Label or Judge
Everyone judges – constantly – as in, all the time. It’s human nature to judge and, when it comes to our families, we judge more than ever.
Step back and try to understand the innuendos and subtleties of the argument. Or, better yet, be aware of the underlying meaning or subtext of what is being said. It’s possible that the object of the attack is not necessarily the one you think it is.
Verbally Engage as Little as Possible
In the years since my adult children got married and had children, I can’t possibly count the number of squirmishes and outright brawls we’ve had. Of course, they pale in significance compared to the joys we have experienced together. When family times are good, they are truly amazing.
I have finally learned to reduce the quick – and sometimes destructive – responses that I have when my emotions flare up. Now, finally, it feels good not to engage in the situation. Of course, one or the other son usually elicits my opinion. That’s when I leave the room.
Working on adult children and parental problems is not easy or simple. It takes a strong dose of mindfulness to create an atmosphere in which everyone feels respected and loved.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
What do you think? What have your experiences been with being a parent to adult children? Please join the conversation.
Tags Adult Children
wow this article sure ht home! when your adult kids don’t have kids until there md 30s , its a very joyful time, and I kept my mouth shut a lot over the new parenting ideas etc. but when a adult child has made bad choices for 25 years, ( alcoholism, drugs, financialy delinquent, messy hours, doesn’t cook, doesn’t bathe the kids enough etc, It has been a struggle for me. I have always loved my kids and my grandkids, given them all a lot of love attention and fun activities, kayaking, hiking camping , ice skating etc. The more I love my life and time with them ,the more resentment I seem to get from this one child, ( middle only girl of 3 kids) family says she’s always been this way, if you want a relationship with her, you have to never imply or say anything that could be a sign of her messing up ,
wow , shall I walk on water too? When she always sleeps in if I am with them, and seldom stays home, so I am babysitting, when she asks to bring the kids a day earlier and stay a day longer ,when I ask if I can have them a couple of days, ( we live 2 hrs apart ) I have become more open in saying no I would like to meet the same day as planned, She says ok, why do you have plans, or something similar, my family and myself are tired of this , how do I shut my mouth but also say NO, help
It’s taken me many years, over 10, to finally give up the fantasy that I would be an integral part of my sons’ and their family’s lives. I was a single mom for most of my boy’s lives. I dreamed that when my boys married, I’d finally have “daughters” and I’d be friends with my DILs, go shopping, share stories, family recipes, talk on the phone, etc. But that is very far from the reality. I am not that important in their lives although I know they love me. Their wives do not really show much interest in me or in developing a relationship with me, no matter how Ive tried to connect with them. My older son’s first child, my first grandson and I are very close but I don’t see him as often as I used to when he was little. We do write letters though which is awesome. His mother is not my son’s current wife. They share custody of my first grandson. I used to live near them but then moved to be near my younger son across the country. My son rarely calls and he and his second wife have three more boys who hardly know who I am, although I try to FT with them, send gifts and visit throughout the year. They are extremely close to her parents though. On my last visit my five year old grandson told me I wasn’t his real gramma like Gramma Jen was. :(
I live within 20 miles of my younger son and DIL and they have two toddlers whom I see once a week. I feel close to my grandkids who live near me, but hardly ever really talk with my son or his wife much. I’m corrected often when I overstep their parenting rules, which I’m not always aware of till I overstep one. We rarely talk much except to focus on the kids the few hours I spend with them for Mondays dinner. I don’t even know what my DIL’s job is and when I’ve tried to converse about her career she’s very evasive. My son and I used to share lots about his career challenges and promotions he got, but now I have no idea what his position even is anymore.I actually know very little about their lives. I know they are busy with. work, friends, and parenting, but it would be nice to have them show an interest in my life more, or help me when I moved here by myself cross country and unpacked my car alone. Or offer assistance when I’m really sick, like I was with Covid this past month. I help them often when they or one of the kids are sick. The reality I’ve come to accept however is they don’t think about me very often and I still think of them like I always have. I need to either accept they expect me to just be the giving Mom like I’ve always been….always there for them when they need me even though that is not often anymore, and continue to expect little in return. Mothering is not a reciprocal relationship, not even when your children become adults. I expected it would be more reciprocal when they were adults but It is still very one sided and we moms are the giving ones, our children receive and don’t give much back in return even as adults. They are the givers now to their own children and are immersed in the same role we once were. Their moms, especially the boys’ mom it seems, is not on their radar much anymore. It is just the way it is. Hard still but I’m getting better at accepting and expecting less from them.
I learned that my children are not interested in my “wisdom” and therefore early on, I learned not to voice an opinion or give advice unless it was requested, which it never was. It makes life much easier. I have two friends who are heartbroken because they each have a daughter who has ghosted them. It is especially hard on my one friend because this is her only child, a child she sacrificed for in so many ways. My other friend has three daughters and two of her daughter are still close to her, so she is fortunate. I have a feeling that it is often daughters who react negatively to mothers.With sons, it is usually their wife who is often nagging them to confront their mother over issues that we would have considered trivial when we were young. I agree that our generation did not act like this with our parents. A level of respect was instilled in us at an early age and we never forgot it. Perhaps our boomer age group were much more lenient with our children, and allowed them to express all their feelings towards us, positive or negative, and now we are experiencing the result.
Thanks for the honesty, I also have trouble seeing how stupid I’ve become as my daughters have gone off into the world. I know they love me but it’s still not fun to be considered so ignorant. Oh well life goes on.
I have a different experience with my adult children. We love being together. We joke with each other. I need them in my life. I’d like to think they still need me in theirs. My most difficult thing would be to not communicate with them. Daily.