6 Things I Learned About Ending a Long-Term Friendship
A few years ago I had a long term friendship come to an end. Four decades of love, laughter and jokes, gone. I felt as though someone had removed a part of my heart. However, that experience both taught me important life lessons as well as opened many new doors. Here’s what I learned:
A Right to Choose a Different Path
If you’ve had years of investment with a close friend, noticing that there are differences cropping up can be genuinely disturbing. At first we ignore it, because we want very much to preserve what we’ve had. If it persists, it might be time to ask:
Can we still relate? Are we still on the same wavelength? And, perhaps even more challenging, can I honor the changes in my friend and still be friends? Sometimes, yes, sometimes – no. That is uniquely up to us.
Read How Do You Know When to Let a Friendship Go, and How Can You Find Your People?
A Fork in the Road
Friends can disagree on many things and still bear great love for one another. I have a close friend whose family differs completely from mine; however, I learn from them, and from her, every time I visit.
This brings value and perspective into my life, and I can appreciate alternative viewpoints. What’s key is mutual respect. If you no longer feel as though your thoughts, views, ideas and opinions are honored, even though you may not agree, this can cause heartache and arguments.
We evolve. Sometimes there is a fork up ahead. You’re headed to the lake front. Your friend needs to climb the mountain. When a long-time friend needs to walk a different path, it can feel as powerful as losing a close family member. In fact, it is.
Read Breaking a Friendship Is Hard to Do.
Ending Things in Person Is So Very Hard
Sometimes we see behaviors that telegraph an unspoken intention. For example, someone is perpetually unavailable. At first we think that they’re busy. Then it feels like rejection.
A conversation that ends a friendship is very hard, and many of us avoid that kind of confrontation. Lots of us express our intentions without actually knowing it, because we don’t wish to cause someone pain. If a longtime friend “doesn’t have time,” that may be their way of saying things have changed.
Long friendships involve years of investment. When we see that slipping away, it can be terrifying. We’re losing part of who we understand ourselves to be with that special someone close to us.
Of course, we want to hold on, and rejection feels like abandonment. It brings up strong emotions and people may simply not be up to that emotional discussion no matter how close you are, or were.
Read Nurturing Sisterhood After 60: Celebrating, Connecting, and Supporting Each Other.
Just Walk Away, Lovingly
If and when a friendship reaches a breaking point for any reason, sometimes all you can do is walk away. As hard as this may sound, if the joy is gone, and aspects of your connection have become stressful or toxic, then the kindest thing you can both do is acknowledge that you need to move on.
We may never find out what happened. There may not be answers. Sometimes we don’t know why things changed. While that can be frustrating – “But what did I do wrong? – not everyone can give, or even has, an answer.
Lots of us don’t want to have to justify our actions or choices. Part of maturity includes not only allowing others to make their own choices, but also to be able to live in the question.
Read Can Long-Term Friendships Endure in Later Life?
Create Room for New Acquaintances
While it’s important to mourn the loss of a beloved friend, it’s just as important to create room for new acquaintances. They may not share our history, but the pleasure of new ideas and lively discussions far outweighs feeling lonely.
Healing is ahead – for both of you – as long as you can honor what you had and wish your friend the best in all things.
Read “Want to Be Friends?” We Don’t Say That Anymore, but Maybe We Should
Coping with the Grief of Losing a Friend
Losing a close friend can feel deeply painful, but acknowledging your emotions and taking steps to heal is essential. Here are some strategies:
- Acknowledge Your Feelings: Allow yourself to grieve without judgment. It’s natural to feel sad, angry, or confused.
- Journaling: Write about your emotions or memories to process your thoughts and find clarity.
Read The Best Part of Journaling: Bearing Witness to Your Life.
- Therapy: Speaking to a counselor can help you navigate unresolved feelings and provide tools for moving forward.
- Lean on Others: Confide in trusted friends or family for support and validation.
- Redirect Your Focus: Engage in activities or hobbies that bring joy and remind you of your individuality.
Read A Healthy Dose of Distraction.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself and remember that the end of a friendship doesn’t diminish your worth.
- Honor the Friendship: Celebrate the positive memories rather than focusing solely on the loss.
Healing takes time, but these steps can help you process the grief and move toward emotional well-being.
Hold the History in Your Heart
We can’t all have a gracious discussion when a friendship ends. Sometimes it’s just not available. In the best of scenarios, you can talk it out, express your love, and say good bye without recriminations.
Or, have a loving conversation with this person with whom you have shared so much of you. Then visualize them with a halo of brilliant love around them. Above all, be grateful for what you had, for the memories and the gifts they brought into your life.
After our friendship ended, I would find small tokens from Ellen around my house. Rather than make me sad, today they remind me of the treasure that her friendship brought to my life. She graced my life for most of my adulthood. And that is gift enough.
Read How to Find New Friends After 60.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Have you recently ended a lengthy friendship? Are you currently hurting because an old friend seems to be turning on you or changing? What do you do to work through your feelings? How do you open your heart to new friends as you age? Please share your insights and tips below.
Tags Friendships
My friend decided not to talk to me, like she did before focus on responding on other people making me feel out of place. She has certain discussion with her other friends and never shared to me, I understand she has her own group of friends and when one time I didn’t share what’s going on with me she questioned that I had the nerve to call her my best friend of 17 years and she would find out about it with other people…she does that to me all the time she ghosted me and share bunch of things with her new friends and I will be the last person to know things. I did it one time because she always ignores my message and chat with other people. I had enough so I didn’t tell her 1 thing for the first time and suddenly it’s my fault. I’m the one who is wrong. I was quiet about it I was used to being the one at fault considering I was bullied my entire life. I asked myself am I so wrong but then again, I didn’t say anything. Few months past and I tried to chat with her and like ask her to hang out she refused so bad. So, I told myself maybe she is just not in the mood, the next thing I knew one of our new acquaintances ask her to hangout and she is super go. I know who her new friends are as I tried to be friends with them not knowing I was not entirely welcome. we have group calls, and they will talk about something I don’t know and when I ask about it, they were like it’s a long story we’ll tell you later, until they would just ignore you. They did this every time, and I finally had enough so I hang out with new people who are in the same group chat. We had our new friends and other group chats where we hang out and talk and I have not come visit the old group chat. She kicked my new friend out then a day after she kicked me out and unfriend me on social media. Which to my surprise and my new friends surprise as well since we didn’t do anything to her. They were planning an outing and only one of her friends decided to ask me to join not her but someone else and I am not part of the plan in the beginning, so I decline and that’s when she kicked both of us out one after the other, then unfriended me on social media know after a few days it’s my birthday. she didn’t greet me but 2 weeks after my birthday is hers, so I decided to bring her food for her birthday and a gift give it to her and left. she then just decided to greet me. I said thank you and we never talked again.
I am still moving on after messaging me she then decided to remove me as her friend, and I am still new to this OfCourse I miss her its 17 years…her newfound friends also remove me on their social media. I gain new ones and there are really good people. But as I try to move forward it’s kind of hard, but I know I will get there.
We started falling apart a year and half ago I just tried to patch things up trying to remain as friends, but I guess it’s the end. I should have said goodbye and have a good life a head, but I can’t I am not comfortable enough to see her after all this.
Today I was thinking of a life long friend I had, which I ended. The final thing that ended it was him openly discussing a time I I told him I got a prostitute (to be frank here). I did not even remember telling him. He had no reason to bring this up. Another thing, to which I am slightly more ashamed (though more innocent) he and his wife had a good laugh over. When I brought up why he did that he tried to dodge a direct answer until I forced it and he said he didn’t respect me, which opened my eyes like The Man Born Blind in John’s Gospel. Yeah, he was right. I could think of a number of other times he acted this way, too. Tried to talk me out of going to graduate school (he never finished college), trying to persuade me to take the same job he had and only when I flatly refused he said he could get $1,000 bonus from it. He used me and he became worse after he married his wife. He wanted to patch things, while I would agree to meet him, it had definitely changed and the last time I saw him he had brought up an insulting thing way from the past for no reason than to discredit me. This time he was also with his teenage son, so he had not really changed anyway. At this time, as well as when he humiliated me with the prostitute time, I was living far away so it was easy to avoid him. Well, the final straw came when he had written on FB a compliment to a repair I had done. He mentioned he might be coming down my way with his daughter. I offered them to stay and could show them around (Washington, DC) or even just meet for dinner anything he wanted. He never got back to me. I told him if we were going to do anything I needed to know so I could arrange it with work. He ignored all. I even saw where it looked like some of the message didn’t even exist? Like was he messing with my mind? Gaslighting me? His daughter was also my Goddaughter. I sent a religious book for her as she got older and apologized I wasn’t involved in her religious life living far and also some things that happened between her dad and me. I think my friend’s wife sent a Christmas card about as cold and flat as a cheap, warm beer. I never contacted them again. It’s too bad – I had been friends from early youth until about 33 years old. I was his Best Man, Godparent to one of his children. Very involved but he had a disrespect for me and I always was over at his place, he would never come to mine almost ever. I think he liked me because I am usually nice and provided good emotional supply to him when he needed it and give encouragement and ideas. I got tired of it and finally stood up to it, even then still giving him a chance then he blew that, too. Bye, man. Bye.
A friendship of over 50 has dissolved. It’s a bit of a story and I’m not sure how much you need to hear.
I have been friends with a couple for over 40 years. I’ve had cancer and chemotherapy. The strong chemo damaged my heart. I currently have heart failure. My friends husband will make fun of me because I’m so forgetful. He makes fun of me every time I see him.The 1st time it happened, I was shocked. My girlfriend, his wife said NOTHING. This totally hurt my feelings. When I get home I cry about it. She has made negative comments to me as well. I just don’t know how to end this. I honestly dread seeing them anymore. I’ve had so many health problems, this relationship just pulls me down. It’s no longer healthy for me to continue this relationship. Please give me your thoughts.
A relationship/ friendship I’ve had for 26 years is changing – we were engaged, broke up and stayed close friends. We relied on each for most everything. I knew he’d
move on at some point so enjoyed our friendship in the meantime.
I remained open to and still am, to developing new friendships that lead to companionship. I do many things on my own so having companionship will enrich my life more.
He’s getting married, moving out of state and is adamant nothings changing.
I’m trying to act that way, but the truth is everything changed. He doesn’t need our friendship in the same way, if at all.
Working on emotionally deetaching, I’ve decided I don’t want to know where he moves even though he says I can visit anytime. I’ve never met his future wife and she has no interest in meeting me. Visiting? Unfortunately, not a healthy option.
As I redirect my focus/energy, I can continue to detatch emotionally to create space to build new friendships / companionships.
In the meantime, it really, really hurts and sometimes it’s too painful to grieve.
It’s all up to me, now.
Thank you!