Alone But Not Lonely, Why It’s So Important

I need to get better at writing down the sources of my favorite phrases and sayings (I have a notebook for those). Recently, I read (and did not write down the source) that a low level of social interaction can be just as unhealthy as smoking, obesity, alcohol abuse, or physical inactivity. Wow, that’s significantly negative with a bigger impact than I realized!

A Newfound Sense of Free Time

When I became an empty nester, I started to see how easy it would be to be home more and out and about less. With the kids and their activities off of the calendar, we didn’t have as many social, sports, or school-related things to go to anymore. I remember feeling this newfound sense of free time. We have to decide what to do with it, not be told when to be where for what. It’s so fun to be totally in charge of our time, I thought!

Alone Is Different

Then over the years, I’ve watched many clients, a couple of friends or their parents, and both of our mothers, journey into widowhood. Another household change! That forced singleness changes everything again, in so many ways. The house is quieter than ever and nighttime is the worst. All of the responsibilities for everything are in your lap, no more shared workload. You feel robbed of the visions you had for your future. You look at your calendar and none of it looks fun anymore, alone is different.

Isolation Can Be a Tempting Solution

It can feel easier to just stay home. Depending on where you are in your grieving, you may prefer to avoid talking to people about being in the club no one wants to join (widowhood). You have so much to take care of yourself at home anyway and there are projects everywhere you look, so it might feel natural to just want to stay at home. Plus, couples’ friends too often seem to drop off and you don’t get invited out as much anymore.

Motion for Your Brain

But that reduced – or lack of – social interaction, especially over time, can wreak havoc on your physical and mental health. You may have heard the phrase “motion is lotion.” That refers to blood flow in the brain and body and how it makes everything work better. Blood carries oxygen and nutrients to parts of the body to nourish them.

Exercise makes joints work better. Using all of your senses is motion for your brain. Talking to a friend while walking, for example, engages your eyes, ears, mouth, nose, and hands/feet. Socializing does that as well, plus it can elevate your mood for better mental health.

Just Do It!

Think about the times you were getting ready, or thinking about getting ready, to go to a social activity and debate in your mind about whether you should just stay home instead. I bet that 9 times out of 10 when you think back to those situations, you ended up being very glad that you went after all. Our brain’s inertia hurdle is not our best friend. We would be healthier if we could be more like Nike, “just do it!”

In addition to a physical health impact, choosing to minimize your social interaction will also impact your mental health. Most of the happiness research I have read seems to come to the common conclusion that the level of your happiness is most determined by the strength of your relationships. You can’t develop and nurture strong relationships without socializing with others.

We Need Human Connection

Fortunately, we do have more socialization options than ever before besides being in person. Phone or video calls (in many different formats) have made it more convenient to reach out and stay in touch with each other. But just for the same reason we see employers preferring at least a hybrid work environment (some days in the office and some days remote), being together physically in person is still the best overall human connection opportunity.

Keep Moving Forward

The one “good out of bad” example that I see with the suddenly single process, is related to finances. There is so much to take care of in the first 6-12 months that it feels overwhelming. But the good part of that frustrating process is that it forces you to keep moving forward on something. You have so much change thrown at you that a sense of direction, homework to take care of, and tasks that won’t get done by themselves that impact your daily life is actually helpful.

It forces you to focus, which can distract you from your grief momentarily while also feeling some progress. This is also why the second year after a loss is often worse. That hustle and bustle “dust” has settled from all the necessary things to take care of and instead, the realization of needing to reinvent yourself going forward settles in as this unchosen sudden singleness stares you in the face every day.

Continuing Your Journey

One client referred to me as a “widow’s financial friend” as I feel my role is to help through the finances and ease the pain of the journey. This is why most of my financial tools, especially the Suddenly Single course/bundle, are designed to help from the comfort of your own home, when you are ready, with or without outside assistance.

As you get through the financial tasks, stay connected with the other relationships in your life for your own better health. Alone does not have to mean lonely, or unhealthy.

Time for Reflection:

How have you seen the suddenly single journey unfold for yourself or other women in your life? Has socialization been a challenge, a blessing, or both? What tips can you share with other women from your experience? Let’s have a discussion!