Aloneness Is Not Loneliness

A common misconception amongst people, especially those of us approaching the last third of our lives, is that aloneness equals loneliness. Well, I’m here to debunk this tale; to set it to restful peace. 

There have been numerous periods, starting in my 20s (after wasband number one), when I lived alone for 10 years. The second time was after wasband number two. There was a four-year gap between that relationship and the last of the wasbands, number three. Since then, and for the first time in my life, I’ve been without a significant other, without a casual relationship. It has been 13 years, and I haven’t been happier, ever. 

Here’s why:

Self-Reflection

I found love within. It took a lifetime of work to dig out my inherent gems, but to find them I had to face my worst enemy: myself. It was easier for me to do that while I was alone. I wasn’t entirely alone as I was raising my son. But, for the past four years, I’ve been an empty nester. That gave me pause to review my influence as a mother to my son and as a former wife, friend, and partner to a few. I reflected on my relationships with my deceased parents and brother. 

Taking Responsibility

Admitting the wrongs one has engendered towards others is one thing. Forgiving oneself is another. It all comes down to one act: responsibility. If we don’t take responsibility for every action – positive and negative, neutral or colored, we will forever remain hooked to the notion that someone else wronged us.

Thinking that way creates a feeling of loneliness when we blame someone else. That may sound counterintuitive. However, it’s not. Being a victim of one’s emotions continues the round-robin game of finger-pointing, avoiding responsibility.

Turning a Page

To turn the page of your thinking requires taking risks. It requires belief in and adherence to taking responsibility, no matter what the outcome. I can’t put my finger on the exact moment I felt liberated, but I remember the process.

I diligently recalled all episodes and incidents of wrongdoing towards me and others. I wrote them all down. Can you imagine how many pages that turned out to be? More than 120! I played role reversal. I put myself in the shoes of those who hurt me mercilessly. I imagined myself in their hearts and minds like a remote viewer. Wow, what an eye-opening experience that was!

Suddenly, I could see life from their perspective, and I was as far away from them as could be emotionally, mentally, and physically. When I let down my guard and cried my kishkas out for guts, I felt cleansed and ready to restart my life without blame, with faith. It is not of the religious kind; it is more of a belief in myself. I wouldn’t let myself down ever again by sacrificing my values. 

Yet the people around us test and put our values into motion, if not every day, then occasionally. To resolve this, we need more than our good intentions. We need to be conscious of our new resolve and take immediate action. 

How Do You Put Resolve into Action? 

When you feel your body and pay attention to its signals, you will immediately become aware of what feels “right” or “weird.” When you feel strange, it will manifest itself as discomfort somewhere. It could be in your tummy or throat, causing you to gulp hard and be unable to speak. It could be in your head or heart. 

When you follow these instructions, you will stop yourself from having knee-jerk reactions. That will allow you to be objective and see yourself clearly. Once you do that, the same compassion applied to others will be used to yourself, by you – your own best friend.

That, my friend, is the crux of the biscuit. Keep your values intact, and you will not be lonely. No one can take your values away from you except yourself. 

Also read, IS IT POSSIBLE TO TURN LONELINESS INTO SOLITUDE?

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Do you often feel lonely? Have you considered the reasons for your loneliness? Do you feel lonely because you need someone to validate you or someone to keep you company?