Breaking a Friendship Is Hard to Do
Have you had your feelings hurt lately by someone close to you? Or had a heated exchange with an old friend? Did you say something you regret to someone you care about and damage the relationship? Do you sometimes feel angry, negative or discontent, causing you to lash out for no acceptable reason?
I certainly have; and according to the women in my circle, we’re not the only ones. There seems to be a rash of women in our era having disagreements serious enough to end long-term relationships.
Changes in Relationships
This came as a surprise to me. I honestly thought once I got to this stage in my life, my friendships would be permanently cemented. But I’ve noticed recently that some of my closest relationships are not as fulfilling as they used to be.
I also realize I can be inexplicably short-tempered and critical with these women. The same women who I supported in the last few decades and who supported me through careers, relationships and the realities of young life. But now, for some reason, we get on each other’s nerves.
We All Go Through Changes
There are many reasons why aging women find themselves experiencing a shift in mood. Hormones or the lack of, poor physical health, social isolation and loss all contribute to the quality of our mental health and outlook.
It’s difficult to be nice when we wake up feeling stiff or sad. It’s hard to be considerate when we’re worried about our finances, physical wellbeing in the future or spend so much time idle and alone that we forget how to play nice with others.
Is There Something We Can Do?
This era of life with all of its changes can be difficult, but we can take steps to improve how we feel and how we interact with others. These things come to my mind and I’ve tried to practice many to some degree of success.
Take Care of Ourselves Physically
Chronic pain, brain fog and lethargy affect our emotional state and mood. Eating well and getting enough sleep is a good start.
Get Regular Physical Exercise
It reduces cortisol and recent studies show flexing muscles release mood-improving hormones into the bloodstream.
Enjoy Time in the Sun
Spend time in the sunlight to get a daily boost of serotonin, a hormone that elevates mood.
Be Aware of Miscommunication
When someone says something hurtful, ask for clarification before reacting. Perhaps you misunderstood the intention of what was said.
Look for Positive Criticism
When someone you trust says something that seems critical, look for truth in the words. If you find there is some truth to the criticism, perhaps it is appropriate to apologize or make changes. If there is no truth to be found, try to take the words with a grain of salt.
Compassion May Be in Order
There is an old saying, People see us not as we are but as they are. Unkind words can come from those living in fear or pain. Often, there is a need for compassion.
Not All Friendships Are Meant to Live on Forever
If, when we think of losing that person from our lives, we feel sad about what we once meant to each other rather than missing what we currently share, it may be time to let the relationship go.
Avoid Over Consuming Alcohol
Our inhibitions are chemically affected when we indulge and the chances of saying something we might regret go up with every sip.
Sensitivity to a Specific Person
Notice when a certain person’s company sets you on edge, perhaps it is time to take a break from the friendship.
Give Upsets Time to Resolve
We can overreact when our feelings are hurt, and speaking up in the moment could lead to a deeper rift than if we give each other a chance to cool off.
Bring in a Referee
Ask an impartial friend to help you understand the situation and try to find a fair and suitable resolution.
Choose Honesty
Be honest but choose your words carefully.
We’re all learning how best to live in an aging body while being confronted with life’s challenges as we strive to live each day to its fullest. Hopefully, we can do so with compassion and humor, preserving everyone’s self-respect.
Further read, Do You Have 8 Minutes? Finding the Time for Friends.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Have you had a long-term friendship fall out? Were there important reasons for the break-up, or was it caused by little things?
Tags Friendships
Sadly I lost connections with two long term friendships of over 30 plus years. The one best friend chose to end our friendship and I was heart broken but I got over it. The other friend just kind of went away when she stayed with an ex-husband that wasn’t good for her or her children. We didn’t have much in common after that happened. I let it go and was happier for it.
This has been a source of pain for me. I had a falling-out with a friend of 20 years.
We sat next to each other at a get-together, and I told her how happy I was in my new job. It’s a blessing to be hired at 61, and I’m mentoring young people. That was the beginning of the end. Maybe it was insensitive of me to talk about that. She had been pushed out of a senior role a few years earlier and decided to leave the organization and retire. She was probably 65 at the time.
I naively thought as a friend she would be happy for me. She’d seen me struggle through 15 years of abusive bosses.
She began all kinds of weird behavior. Offering to give me a ride somewhere and getting offended when I (politely) said no thanks — to the point that a third friend said I should apologize. She started a number of “us and them” issues in our friend group and wanted me to side with her. She asked if I fought with my kids after a vacation together. Honestly, I’d never seen this side of her.
Maybe she was afraid I would reject her and then she set about being so obnoxious I had no choice but to choose distance.
Some friends don’t evolve nor care too. Some friends don’t like when you evolve. I now have boundaries and I let everyone know. Those who always respected me love this for me and those that never respected me , hate this! Plain and simple. I am kind but not always nice anymore. There is a healthy difference.
This is an interesting comment, Don. It has reminded me that even Jesus wasn’t always nice, and He, too, had boundaries.
Vanya, hello. I don’t think it is appropriate to mention your religious belief here.
Everyone – I think there can be boundaries but friends know what they are usually and don’t cross the line. Sometimes it is better to show them than tell them. They either get the hint, or you move on.
Hi Debbie, why wouldn’t it be to appropriate? Everyone mentions their religious beliefs, whatever they may be. It’s related to the article and also true.
Also, if you don’t set boundaries, not ever friends will know what they are. If you are a kind person, and you like to help people, even your friends will not know when to back off.
Bad communication and personal issues often cloud one’s judgment. Bad decisions follow and usually ruined relationships. We really have to look at ourselves first and solve our own issues. We won’t be able to really be a friend to anyone otherwise.
Vanya Drumchiyska, I don’t agree. It is also not relevant to hear which political candidate you wish to vote for.
Yes, boundaries are important. Please explain “ If you are a kind person, and you like to help people, even your friends will not know when to back off.” You can be both kind and have boundaries.
We are clearly a society of bad communication. Most of us don’t even look at the person as many are looking at their technology. Texting is hardly good communication but is so prevalent now.
Ideally, we would all have excellent communication skills, set boundaries but the reality is we haven’t learned how. Few people have healthy self-images in this culture. How would we when we are continually barraged with sexual images of women, can’t even get ERA passed, or are paid what we are worth.
The problem is much deeper than is often written about.
Coming up on 1 year anniversary of a big fight with my bestie that drastically changed our over 25 year relationship. I’ve noted the piece above about – Not All Friendships Are Meant to Live on ForeverIf, when we think of losing that person from our lives, we feel sad about what we once meant to each other rather than missing what we currently share, it may be time to let the relationship go. That hit me hard. I miss what we were, but honestly we don’t have that same sharing relationship and we haven’t had it for quite awhile. Recognizing this is making it a bit easier to let it just fade or float along with infrequent touch points.
It is sad that I have less and less in common with old friends from work and the neighborhood since I took early retirement. Work friends seem jealous (one admitted it). Neighbors seem to want a free dog sitter (nope). My true interests are now finally mine to enjoy but I haven’t yet made the friend group to match. The work friends seem to be almost gone now and I can’t say I’m too sorry about that, given the new snarky comments they’ve been leading with. Oh well! I’d love to read about making new friendships after sixty.
It’s tuff making friends as you grow older and they won’t be those long term people you let go after years of sharing..I too have noticed my intolerance of putting up with some of the idiosyncratic flaws (and we all have them) became hard to overlook….one needs to weigh the importance of erasing the friendship
cheri, yes, yes, yes! I have moved so much that I haven’t had a bestie since h.s. I’m pretty self-reliant so I tend to work things out myself. As I am getting older, it would be nice to have a couple of close friends. I recently relocated to the northeast and find it challenging to get close to people. Must be the cold weather thing.