The Death of a Loved One
Losing someone we love can be devastating. Our whole world seems to come to a standstill, while everything else keeps on moving. It can happen in an instant or may take years. It can be planned, unexpected, tragic, painful, or even a blessing, if someone we love is suffering. One thing for sure is that the death of a loved one happens to all of us at some point. How do you begin to pick up the pieces when you are going through one of the worst things that can happen to you?
No One Size Fits All
If you read through some bereavement books, you may see that there is a process to grief. Whilst there are stages that many of us go through, each death is different. How can you compare the grief of losing your 90-year-old grandma in her sleep, to the tragic death of a child?
In truth, there is no exact way of grieving and any way you grieve is the right way. However, after working as a psychotherapist for 20 years, and also dealing with incredibly painful deaths on a personal level, I hope my experiences are able to help in some small way.
Take Your Time
There is no time limit to grief. Somehow, someway, you learn strategies to ease the pain and agony. You know that crying all day saps your energy, makes your head throb, burns your throat, stings your eyes, hurts your soul. Gradually, you learn to cry less.
If you need to sleep, just rest. Everything else can wait. Fill your body with as much nourishment as you can, accept help from others, be gentle on yourself. You are grieving… it is painful. It may take time but, little by little things will make you smile again, even when you think you will never be able to. Birds singing, the sun shining, kindness from a friend or stranger. Do not feel guilt; it is the way things should be. It is the nature of life that all living things must die.
Talk
Talk as often as you can. Speak to friends, family, a counsellor. Talk to the person who has died. My father died over 40 years ago, but I still talk to him. Personally, I feel that talking to the person I have lost helps me miss them just a little less. It is as though they are by my side, offering comfort.
As a society, we often shy away from talking about death, though it is the one thing we all know is certain. Talk to your loved ones, let them know your wishes and find out theirs.
Never feel you are on your own, there will always be someone professional to speak to. There are charities such as Cruse Bereavement and The Samaritans who offer telephone support. Your doctor will also be able to talk to you or provide professional support.
Make Things a Little Easier
I know as I get older, I often think about how my family will be after I have died. I have put together a file which includes important paperwork, together with my wishes for a simple funeral. It will save them trying to second guess.
Personally, I have no fear of dying. I do not see death as the ultimate finish line, just another journey or adventure. It has helped to make losing those I love a little easier, picturing them enjoying themselves wherever they are. As though they are just in the next room. If I am right, we will all meet again, and if I am not, there is no-one to tell me I was wrong, but it has given me comfort.
Finally
For anyone reading this who is going through grief, I send you my love and a huge hug. I know it is not easy. In time to come, you will feel a little better, you will learn to live again, you will smile and, who knows, maybe one day find yourself laughing.
As I wrote above, take your time, but if you find the strength, perhaps you could use your experience to help others. Grief is something we are all likely to experience in our lives, so there is always a need for kind compassionate people to provide support and comfort. You know how important a kindly word, or even a smile, can be.
Questions to Reflect on:
How do you deal with grief? Have you made a file for your family? Have you used your own experience to help others?
My best friend was killed in an auto accident the year we both were to turn 44. We’d been friends since middle school. By that time, we lived in separate states but remained very close in our relationship. The day she died I had major surgery and was recovering in a hospital. No one thought to spare me from the tragic news that first night, and I cried through the night all alone in my hospital room. And to make this event worse, I wasn’t physically able to attend her funeral. It’s been nearly 25 years since her death, and I still feel the void of an incomplete farewell.
Hello Debra, thank you for joining the conversation. I am sorry to hear about your friend, I can feel your pain is still raw. Have you thought about doing something so that you can have a final goodbye? Holding on to such hurt is very hard on you, and I am sure your friend would not want you to be suffering. Sending you my love. Lily x
While it’s true that everyone grieves in their own way, there may be a point where you need help. I got suck on a grief plateau after the death of my Dad. I recovered just enough to function, but I cried everyday for 18 months. I wasn’t getting any better. At my husband’s suggestion I sough help and finally got back on the path to finish grieving. Don’t be afraid to get help if you need it.
Hi Roxanne, thank you for joining the conversation.I am sorry to hear your dad died, I know how difficult that can be. I absolutely agree about seeking help if you think it is appropriate. There are many excellent charities such as, Cruse Bereavement, The Samaritans and The Good Grief Trust. Lily x
Just lost my husband of 38 years last week. He had a progressive disease which kept us busy the last 3 years with doctor visits and hospital stays. I could no long keep him at home as he was a two person assist and was nasty to our home health aides. I really struggled with putting him in a nursing home, I always wanted to keep him at home. That was very hard for me but I realized over time he never complained about being there and my life was calmer. That was the hard time for me. We knew it was a progressive disease, just didn’t know how long it would last. My husband was gone for a long time due to cognitive issues. I am fine now, we gave him a beautiful send off and I know I will be fine. I have many interests that were put on hold for a number of years and I am excited that the sun is shining and the birds are singing!!! Oh and we moved to a smaller home before he got sick, planning for the time one of his had to live on our own and needed to make “living” more affordable. And I got my dream puppy before his first symptoms started and she keeps me company and laughing every day!!!
Good morning Janice. I am so sorry to hear you lost your husband last week. How raw it must be for you. I am sending you my love and virtual hug. Making the decision for someone you love to be cared for outside the home can be hard. But it is often the best thing for both of you, as the person is having round the clock care, and you are having a much needed rest to strengthen yourself a little. I know caring for someone you love is both physically and mentally exhausting. Reading through your post you seem to have made some good forward planning, and I hope this helps to make life a little easier. Lily x
Mom died two years ago. We were very close. I am really trying to stop the “what if’s and I could of done better”. “Talking to her” does help but thr circumstances of her death were so devestating. I will keep trying to understand it all and be more aware of the red flags. Every situation is different but learning about death and grief is so helpful beforehand. I learned the hard way.
Hi Eileen, thanks for joining the conversation. I am sorry to hear your mum died. Please accept my love and a hug. Mum’s are very special people and I am sure you miss her enormously. There will always be a million questions, but the fact that you were so close speaks volumes. Take comfort from that. Keep talking to her, I know I find it a huge comfort. Lily x
Lost my husband of 32 yrs to ALS in January. I have mixed feelings because 25 years were wonderful and he was my soulmate, but the last few years the disease affected his brain and he was emotionally mentally and verbally abusive. He had to go into a facility two years ago and has made my life difficult, so I am trying to grieve the man I married not the man he became. I’m glad he’s at peace and finally walking again and I’m sure he’s sorry for all the chaos and that he created in our family. I’m trying to put those pieces back together, but I’m not sure they can, separated our children and made them take sides, so none of them are really talking to each other. And one of them was so abusive to me sided with his dad, knowing that he will benefit financially as he did and no other family member, when he died. Very sad situation so I’m not only grieving the loss of the man I married, but the loss of my younger son who has turned on his family.
Good morning Stephanie, Thank you for joining the conversation. I am so sorry to hear you lost your husband so recently. I send you my love and a warm hug. There are always mixed feelings when someone dies and this, for you, is compounded by the difficulties you mention with your son. This is still very early days for you. Be gentle and kind to you, there is much for you to think about right now… but take your time. Lily x