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Discouraged with Dating? Make These 3 Changes Now

By Andrea McGinty April 10, 2024 Dating

Different choices bring about different outcomes. Dating can be tough and discouraging. Love isn’t always easy. Relationships take effort. It’s normal to feel disheartened if things aren’t going the way you hoped in your romantic life. Today, I’ll talk about some factors that might be hindering your search for “the one.” Making some adjustments could lead to more positive outcomes.

You probably know the old adage, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

When I listen to new or prospective clients talk about dating, this runs through my brain constantly. And I am talking to intelligent, educated people who make great decisions about their professional lives, family, friends and other things but with dating – it’s a disaster.

Sometimes I think (you know, after over 25 years doing this as a dating coach) that there is an inverse correlation: the smarter a person is, the dumber they are at dating. Please don’t be offended. As my clients say, I am direct and that’s why I get results for them.

Here are 3 things I can advise you to change in your dating life.

You Always Seem to Attract the Wrong Type of Men

It’s interesting to think about how we present ourselves to others. Sometimes, we may feel like we always attract the wrong people. But hey, let’s not dwell on that. Instead, let’s try to understand why it’s happening.

First, it’s important to remember that when you’re actively dating, you’re going to come across all sorts of people. Some may not be the best fit for you, while others might be exactly what you’re looking for. It’s just the way it goes.

Second, so, the real question is, who are you going to give your attention to? That’s what matters.

Now, let’s address this issue. Maybe there are some things you can do to project yourself in a way that attracts someone who aligns with your interests.

Whether we like it or not, humans tend to judge others based on their initial impressions. This is especially true in the world of social media and online dating.

For example, if you’re a daring traveler or athlete and want to find an adventurous partner, but all your photos are taken indoors, the message you are sending is all wrong!

The truth is, you don’t attract what you desire, but rather what you project. This includes how you dress, walk, talk, treat others, and carry yourself in public. So, maybe it’s time to make some tweaks and show the world the real you.

I had two vivid examples this week so let me share one of them. Ava, 66, from New York, is in the healthcare industry and a very caring woman. She’s also very successful and has made good investments in real estate. The men she was attracting? Needy and didn’t even own their home. (Ok, nothing wrong with that…. but not the right person for Ava who has worked so hard for all she has). She felt like “a nurse with a purse.” We tweaked her profile, and now she is getting the caliber of men on par with her.

Think About the People You Spend Your Time With

Yes, this matters. A lot. And it affects your love life. What, Andrea? How can that be? They are my closest friends.

I know your friends are great and all, and this isn’t about them personally. It’s more about whether they’re helping you move closer to your goals or not. And I’m not just talking about relationships, but everything in life.

Are they always dragging you to the movies, bars and concerts because there’s nothing else to do? Or maybe they’re all happily single and not interested in settling down, and they project that onto you. Or worse, are they negative and suspicious of dating and especially online dating? Misery does love company, you know.

On the other hand, do they support you and cheerlead you through the dating process? Are they open to trying new things with you?

Hey, they say you become like the top 5 people you spend time with, and that includes the kind of lifestyle you lead. I actually have a client who’s been distancing herself from some friends because all they want to do is meet for happy hour and complain about men. Not exactly the best group to boost your self-esteem, right?

So, remember this: your own happiness should always come first. Don’t let anyone take away from it, no matter how loyal you feel towards them.

The Places Where You Spend Your Time Are Crucial When It Comes to Meeting New People

Lately, some of my clients have been complaining about not being able to meet anyone new. And honestly, I get it. We’re all so engrossed in our phones, working from home, time with our children/grandchildren and sticking to the familiar faces we already know and feel comfortable with.

Making new friends as an adult is already challenging, let alone finding someone you’re genuinely interested in building a relationship or life with. So, whenever I hear this complaint, I always dig deeper and ask, “If you’re not meeting new people, where are you spending your free time?”

And the answers usually boil down to a few common things:

Going Out to Dinner with Friends on the Weekends

While it’s enjoyable to hang out with your own group, it doesn’t provide many opportunities to meet new people.

Going to the Gym Frequently

Fantastic! Taking care of your health is important. However, if you’re always focused on your workout with headphones on and then head straight home, it’s not an ideal place to meet new people.

Netflix or Another Streaming Service

Yes, there is some great programming to binge, but if this is your main entertainment – well, you see the problem here.

Nowhere, Really

The biggest challenge is right here. Having a monotonous routine means missing out on chances to connect with new faces.

Let’s face it, your daily routine probably consists of commuting, working, dealing with your kids/grandkids, sweating it out at the gym, enjoying a drink, and then doing it all over again the next day. And when the weekend rolls around, it’s either socializing with loved ones or just chilling out after a crazy week.

Wash, rinse, repeat. We need to change up our routines.

So, When Do We Actually Expect to Meet New People?

If dating is a priority for you, it’s crucial to be proactive in your approach. Spend more time on dating apps (I know, it can be frustrating), say hello to random people in public (seriously, try a smile and I think you may be surprised), and explore the things that genuinely make you happy.

Trying a New Sport?

Nope, you are never too old. (I have a 64-year-old client who just started playing full-court basketball 3x a week). Yep, new friends, new opportunities.

Are You Interested in Art?

Start attending more galleries. I have a 69-year-old client who just began a watercolor class, and she is meeting new friends.

Passionate About a Cause?

I have a client with a young grandson with juvenile diabetes, and she’s become active in a supporting organization and wildly expanded her group of friends. And, yes, there are men there!

My clients find themselves leading more fun and purposeful lives and finding the right relationships. Are we a fit? Let’s find out. Click here to book a free call to see if we are fit to work together.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

How do you spend your evenings? When is the last time you had coffee or lunch with a new friend? What is something new you have tried in the last 30 days? Are you discouraged with dating?

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I’ve led an interesting life so far. I’ve been trying online dating for several years and find the only men who contact me are the ones who send out 100 messages to random women. The men I’ve contacted because their profiles interested me and I’d like to get to know them better have not even responded to my initial contacts. It’s been totally discouraging and I’ve basically given up.


Hi Kelly—I’m happy you’ve had an interesting life! The men—I have found in the very long time I have done this—helping both men and women with online dating—that is about not the people who contact you over 95% of the time. It’s the ones we seek out with unique messages. It may be you on the wrong site for where you live. Or your messages. Or your photos or profile. So many factors! I had a new client over 6 months ago who told me she’d gone on over 120 dates in the past two years. Not that I am a miracle worker, but this has been my career since my 20’s. We changed sites, profile, photos and how/who we were pursuing and she’s now happily in a very lovely relationship. I truly like the man she has found! So, don’t give up…or take a break from it for a bit. (As an aside, half my clients are men and they have the same issues with women on line as well!) Warmly, Andrea


I’ve also been doing it for years. I still believe it can work because I met my late husband on a dating site in a long long time ago. When I contact men because their profile interests me, they often get back to me. Unfortunately if we then have a good phone conversation and he says he really wants to meet me, most of the time I never hear from him again. I am also very annoyed by men who send out random messages to a hundred women. I avoid wasting my time on them because I tweaked my profile – my last sentence now states “If you are interested please tell me a couple of specific things that caught your eye in my profile.” This way, if a man writes to me and he doesn’t mention anything specific about my profile, I know he hasn’t read it. Even men who write and say just he “loves my profile” it always turns out he has not read it. So I’ve learned to insist on specifics. If he doesn’t mention specifics from my
profile, then I immediately delete his message. It saves me time


I’ve put a similar message in my profile and of course delete spam messages but those are the only messages I get now.


Great article – sometimes you not only have to step outside the box but jump! I’ve started learning new activities and new acquaintances stem from these new activities. I’ve met some really nice people through these activities. It’s all about attitude. Thank you for these tips and recommendations.


My pleasure Lauren. I believe in “jumping” and happy you liked these tips. Best, Andrea

Claudia Kindall

I see a lot of truth to your article it’s so easy to get stuck in a rut and go along with the flow. I am 68 and have been dating online now for about 5 years and I have met a lot of nice people. I definitely meet them in a public place and usually it’s a lot of fun to meet new people and just get out there and socialize. I am working on trying new things every week like next week I am going back to the gym for a water aerobics class. I am just really working on enjoying my life and living each day to the fullest.


Claudia, guess what? With your attitude, I’d say the odds are highly in your favor that you will meet the right person! Warmly, Andrea


Good for you! Love that attitude.


I really think that this online dating thing is very dangerous. Especially, if you are elderly. Lots of creeps out there. I am 73 yrs. old and I pay my bills on time. No need to have someone living or dating me taking over my life. Never say never.


I find the scammers and creeps on dating sites to be pretty obvious. A woman friend met the love of her life on Zoosk at age 72, that was 2 years ago – now they’re discussing marriage. The challenge is to stay “in the game” when it’s often so discouraging. You can certainly meet nice men online, but “nice” isn’t enough to fall in love. Tweaking your profile can help. And if you’re past 65 the number of single men you’ll meet in real life is very tiny. With such a small pool of candidates, the odds you’ll find the right guy is very remote. Advice to try different activities in real life to meet more men is clearly aimed at younger women.


I agree—never say never!


I sort of agree with you. It can be kind a scary meeting total strangers in today’s world.


Thanks, this is very interesting advice


Thank you Harriet. I’m happy you found it useful. Warmly, Andrea

The Author

Andrea McGinty is the founder of It’s Just Lunch dating service. She sold it and founded so she could help singles navigating online dating. In the 2020s, she knows the best way to meet people is through online dating using a professional coach and specializes in singles in their 50s-70s!

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