60 and Estranged from an Adult Child? How Not to Deal with It
Estrangement is a widespread and stigmatized condition when an individual cuts ties with one or more family members. Over one-quarter of the population deals with either an adult child or another family member’s decision to disconnect. Cut-off family members and parents experience grief marking the loss of the relationship status.
Sadly, anxiety concerning whether an adult child will resume communication can linger. Through uncertainty and discomfort parents search for how to cope with the onslaught of thoughts and the loss of their adult child. Estranged parents feel bewildered and wonder what to do.
Estranged Parents
Recently, awareness has increased with stories of celebrity estrangements. People are more familiar with adult children cutting ties with their parents. But with all the uncertainty surrounding the condition, what should parents do?
Each story is unique, but parents typically respond with many uncomfortable emotions. Losing the relationship status with an adult child can illicit anger, guilt, denial, bargaining, and shock.
Estrangement’s complex shape differs from the loss caused by death. There are no ceremonies with supportive family and friends. The shame often binds parents to secrecy. Well-meaning friends usually don’t know what to say, or they suggest unhelpful advice. The sad fact that an adult child has decided to intentionally separate is heartbreaking.
No parent is prepared for their kid to walk away from them. Usually, the unwanted break-off leaves parents in a heap of reactions that potentially harm their prospects of resolving the problem. Other family members take sides, and the estrangement with your adult child can evolve into a crisis of epic proportions. In addition, parents can be angry and react harshly by expunging their children in retaliation.
Parental Expectations Vs. Adult Kids Expectations
The more I speak with parents in my practice, the wider the divide appears. As we age, we recognize the temporary nature of our lives. Our time resources are diminishing. We are keenly aware of our priorities. If we have families, we likely want to strengthen our relationships.
We want to spend holidays and perhaps vacations together. We like being included in family functions. Exceptions to desiring more time were when the family was entrenched in dysfunction, toxicity, or abuse.
Generally, parents want closer ties than their kids. In their developmental life stage, adult children consider their careers, friendships, interests, and family units. They are less likely to prioritize communication with their parents since their priorities are elsewhere. Indeed, there are exceptions. However, studies of individuals over their lifespan defer to perceptions supporting polarized priorities.
Contributors to Cut-Offs
Parental expectations of wanting closer family ties and the gap with what adult children desire is just one facet of estrangement. Studies implicate personality, environment, parental attachment, intergenerational stressors, divorce, parental alienation, poverty, mental illness, and addictions in the likelihood of family estrangement.
Adult children can couple with a toxic partner or are unhinged over inheritance matters. Families can be brutal when there are different lifestyles and values. Parent-child relationships that are overly close-enmeshed and over-dependent can backfire into a cut-off. When it strikes, all parties are impacted.
Studies indicate that adult children experience grief but claim they do it to save themselves. Something went on that was too much for them to bear, so they needed space. Parents are shocked, angry, guilty, ashamed, bewildered, anxious, and afraid. The anxiety over resolving and understanding what on earth happened can be devastating.
Moving Towards a Newfound Acceptance
Parents grieve and process to find their way through. The stories they tell are filled with confusion and sometimes regret. What happened? Where did I go wrong? What is wrong with me? What happened to my child?
Parents process their feelings by moving towards them courageously. They talk to a safe person, resume activities they enjoy, and spend time with those that love and value them. They focus on caring for themselves and learning communication skills.
Coleman’s Five Mistakes
Joshua Coleman, psychologist and author of Rules of Estrangement, shares the estrangement with his daughter and clinical expertise. His experience working with parents of estranged adult children and research includes the “five mistakes” parents make.
Interestingly, the five mistakes are also common among non-estranged parents. Brave parents admit they are angry, upset, and hurt about the unfairness of the estrangement condition. Anxiety over resolving the cut-off can lead to thinking reconciliation will happen quickly.
This false expectation can lead to frustration and disappointment. I hear from parents overwhelmed by guilt and regret that they resorted to exploding on their adult child. Many also assume that their kid’s cut-off is all about them.
Joshua Colemans Five Mistakes Parents Make
- Motivate by Guilt
- Return Fire with Fire
- Believe the Relationship is Based on Fairness
- Thinking Reconciliation Will Happen Quickly
- Assuming That Your Kids Distant Behavior is All About You
What to Do When You Feel Guilty
Guilt is a self-accusation over something you feel you did wrong. If you are hypercritical and ruminating on your mistakes, ask yourself if beating yourself up has worked for you.
All parents make mistakes; we posture our amended thinking by reminding ourselves we did the best we could at the time. Most parents have regrets, but we can’t allow them to control us. If we find ourselves stuck in guilt and regret, we should get support to work it through. In essence, we need to forgive ourselves for being imperfect and move forward.
The positive side of recognizing our mistakes is committing to future improvements. Regarding our adult kids, there are wiser ways to deal with them than we are inclined to, especially when we are grieving. Joshua Coleman suggests parents identify what they did, take responsibility, and consider making amends.
Estrangement is extraordinarily stressful and heartbreaking. The cut-off harms all parties, but parents find themselves ill-prepared and grasping for solutions and answers. When we are estranged, being informed, engaging in self-care, and understanding adult children and the contributors to the cut-off prepare us for the possible length of our estrangement.
Being self-compassionate and processing your grief over the loss of the relationship status will strengthen you and help you to move forward. Your life will be different; however, you can find joy again if you choose.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Are you committed to a self-care routine that manages stress and its effects on your body and psychological state? What books have been most helpful to you?
I’ve always found it extremely interesting that most estranged parents that are vocal online are deeply Christian or Evangelical. Often they outright express that their children will burn in hell for abandoning them. I find that a repulsive point of view, and am extraordinarily grateful that I am an atheist and have never believed in this vengeful god so-called loving Christians worship for some bizarre reason. Without the blinders of organized religion, once can see that adult relationships require a MUTUAL respect, not a kowtowing unquestioning worship of the parent. Many estranged parents simply refuse to see their child as their equal and that is why they’ll never speak to them again, in earth or in “””Heaven”””
Hi Andrea, and thank you for commenting.
I suppose people can very easily misrepresent God, who actually went to great lengths to reconcile with all of His estranged children. Not all Christians know how to love or express their love; and none of us can do it quite like God.
There is also confusion in regard to parent/child relationships these days. Parents don’t show respect for their children, and children don’t show respect for their parents. As a result, both feel hurt and protective of themselves, and neither cares about the other.
Christian or not, when one is hurt, one can say and do stupid things, then feel prideful about it.
Christians are called to love others deeply; non-Christians are called daily to love themselves first. So, in a world where one party is supposed to love others unconditionally, while the other is called to reject others and only love self and care about self and put self first…. We are becoming a culture of self-lovers, self-first persons. Nobody else matters, nothing else matters. Not a single relationship with another being can ever prosper if you always only put yourself first. It’s always some sort of give and take, if you care about the other person at all.
Mothers know this – they absolutely have to take care of their child first or he/she can literally die. It is a self-less calling. But when mothers put themselves first, the children become selfish and needy and mentally unhealthy. Vengeful later on.
It is a mess and we have created it, we have to bear the consequences of it. Of our self-love and self-appreciation and self-everything. For those who seek the self, there is no other. It’s why there are so many narcissists these days, and many Christians have fallen for it, too.
Being vocal about your children going to hell is likely coming from a broken heart, but it’s still a terrible thing to say, and as in your case, gives a very untrue description of who God actually is.
I hurt for both parties, which is why, even though my mother-in-law is quite difficult to be around at times, I push away my desire to protect myself at all costs, and just do what’s necessary for the relationship to exist at all. I suppose she does the same in her own way. It’s always ALWAYS a give and take thing if you care for the other person. If you don’t, then… you are left with yourself, and that can be boring and lonely, and downright depressing.
Wishing you a lovely day!
What a laughable generalization of “Christians vs Non-Christians” you’ve written here. Do you know how many adult children are finally able to have ANY successful or healthy relationships once they have cut the toxic parent(s) out of their lives? It’s amazing how your emotional landscape widens and expands once you’re free of someone who demands respect while never giving any themselves. Parents are not special for having children – it takes 10 seconds of meaningless copulation to create a child. Any idiot can do it. It neither confers some special depth of understanding nor any kind of elevated status. Children become self-focused because that is what they are SUPPOSED TO DO. Differentiation is a normal and healthy concept and far too many parents define themselves SOLELY by their parenthood. Estranged parents would do far better to recognize that they aren’t special for being parents, and to recognize that they need to actually have a real life outside of their “selfish and vengeful” children.
So, as item number 3 in the article states, Joshua Coleman says parents make a mistake thinking that the relationship with adult children is based on fairness; hmmmmm. All my good relationships are based on fairness. All of them. I actually don’t want relationships that are not based on fairness. If people can’t treat each other fairly, then that’s not something I want to be in. I think Coleman is wrong about this. Fairness is a standard of decency for all human relationships and once the child is an adult, adult standards ought to apply (mine is 42, so plenty old enough to act in fairness).
This one point in the essay has been so helpful to me; thank you so much for it. It made me realize that I do not have to walk on eggshells around this 42-year-old child any more; that she is an adult woman, as are all my adult friends, and she can reasonably be expected to act like it, with kindness and, yes, fairness, as I act toward her. This comment also led me to ask,
“If any other adult friend or family member in my life acted like she does, would I put up with it?” The answer is no.
I have reasonable boundaries, and I uphold them. This is basic self care. Do not be around abusive people. Do not be around people who accuse you of things you did not do and who blame everyone but themselves for their own problems. Do not be around people who make unreasonable demands, and who are takers (instead of fairminded give-and-takers). These people are not your friends. The reality is, she is not an adult I would ever want to be friends with or spend time with. The adorable and sweet child she was simply exists no longer. The current person has broken the basic rules of friendship and kindness so many times.
It is sad, but it is the reality. This thought about fairness and boundaries helps me accept it and live my own life well and happily, despite the daughter’s actions and words. It is very, very freeing not to have to worry about this any more. I’m “Done with the Crying” as Sheri McGregor’s book on this topic says.
What are the five mistakes adult children make? I’m so sick of being blamed .
I am too angry and disappointed with my daughter to repair our relationship. My husband and I protected her and took care of her 4 kids (my grandkids) after her horrible divorce from a dangerous man. She didn’t have to worry about the kids while she went back to school and worked because we took care of the kids. She got remarried about 3 years later and change 10 minutes after the ceremony (she didn’t need us anymore) She now has 2 more kids with her new husband. We still had the 2 youngest every other Friday. She assassinated my character last summer. I still came to her and asked her if we could please put it behind us. She never apologized tho, I never expected it. Since she has become marriage to her new husband, she never answers her phone, she only responds via text in her own sweet time. Now she has assassinated my husband’s character and I’ve had enough. Even the girls tell us we are their favorite grandparents, I feel like the relationship we had with them is tainted. I don’t want anything to do with her or her life. Is that wrong?
You are a saint, Lori! Unfortunately, your daughter has repeatedly made terrible choices in her adult life. Sounds like she has never had to feel the consequences. She is an emotionally immature, egocentric adult now. If she is telling lies about you behind your back and the people she told informed you, they likely did so because they know she is lying and think a lot of you. Hope that brings some comfort. If I were you, I’d stop babysitting (text her at the last minute to inform her that you’re unavailable that day, then wait for the phone call and don’t answer). What she needs is to learn to appreciate what you have done and evidently, continue to do for her pathetic self. That may give her some incentive to reflect and ask to talk about the situation. If it does, don’t hold back about outlining what she has done in a factual manner and how it crushes your spirit that your own daughter would stab you in the back and not care. You have a lot more to offer her than she has to offer you if this continues without remorse and apology. Do whatever you feel comfortable doing (without malice and for your own sanity).
What do you do when your 30 year old child is mentally ill and sees no need for mental health care? I love him more than life but his behaviour toward me and his dad is borderline abusive. What responsibility do you bear morally in this situation?
Hi Lori:
If your adult child is abusive towards you, then get help in establishing boundaries to protect your safety. As far as a moral obligation, I think it is a personal dilemma we must figure out. We can not make our kids get help for their mental health needs. But we can get help and learn how to do things differently. Wishing you the best.
Lori,
How do you know that your son is mentally ill? Has he been diagnosed? He is now 30 years old. It is HIS responsibility to take care of himself and he is responsible for his behavior. If he has serious mental issues, perhaps you need to have him temporarily committed for observation? Or is he just talking disrespectfully and not actually committing abuse? If that is the case, you have zero moral obligation to interact with him when he acts this way. Your relationship with your adult children should be to love each other, that is all. Once they become adults, parents are no longer responsible for their offspring, legally or morally. Grown ups are 100% responsible for their own choices and behaviors. Sorry, but he can’t blame his mommy anymore!