The Case for Honesty in Early Dating
“Let’s brush our teeth before we kiss,” he said on our first date, implying I had bad breath! I was mortified. But I brushed my teeth, and we had a great first kiss.
That was decades ago, and now we’ve been married 27 years. When asked how I knew he was the one, I harken back to that first bold, brave, risky thing he said to me on our first date!
That’s when he won my trust and my heart.
Later, he told me how much he liked me on the first date and how much he wanted the first kiss to be great, but in fact, my garlic breath was distracting him. It was true: I often ate garlic and had been single for a while, and not managing my bodily smells too well, apparently.
Luckily, I was carefree enough not to think I could mess it up with “the one” and carefree enough to get over my embarrassment when he pointed out the truth.
Truth vs. PR
As a dating and relationship coach, I insist that my clients accept two very important edicts:
- You can’t mess it up with “the one,” so be yourself, warts (and smells) and all.
- Your first 3 dates are the optimal time for your true self to come out (and his).
Most people spend early dating in what I call “PR agent” mode, where you present only the sides of yourself you think will be attractive to the other person. There are a few problems that unfold from that strategy:
- It’s exhausting.
- You can’t keep up the show forever (the longest I’ve seen is 7 months).
- Because your subconscious knows you’re acting, ironically, you’ll trust people (and love) less.
I advise the opposite approach: instead of feeling like you have to measure up to some unknowable standard, take the position that you’re the shopper. That means your date has to match what you’re looking for, and then you just have to see if you “can afford” him. In other words, “are you a good match for what he’s looking for?”
There’s no test, no measuring up, no putting on a show.
What Do You Gain?
Here’s the advantage of this alternative – being yourself as much as possible and hoping your date does the same (in the first three dates):
- No pretending or hyping = less effort and stress, more ease.
- You end up finding out much sooner whether or not you’re a match.
- You learn to trust love when it comes.
- BONUS: Maybe you become more accepting of your flaws when you realize everyone has them.
Dating from this perspective requires that you accept that everyone has “liabilities,” but when you find “your one,” those liabilities aren’t tragic. They could, in fact, be assets to the right person. My husband likes garlic too, and we both enjoy brushing our teeth – so that all worked out.
We’re Not About to Change
If you’re over 60 and dating, chances are you’re not planning to change much. You’re set in your ways to a large extent, and so are the people you’re going to date.
Accept Who You Are
I don’t know about you, but the older I get, the less I have the energy to care what other people think about my quirks.
I know there are some things about my personality that could be annoying, and for those I love, I keep them on a leash, but overall, I want to be the most fully expressed me I can be.
Even if you’ve never felt fully comfortable in your own skin, it’s never too late to develop the ability. Working on the issues (sorry if they aren’t as simply solved as bad breath!) builds confidence, as does coming to acceptance. Another liability I have is that I need a lot of time and space by myself. This is something I’ve just come to accept, and my husband accommodates.
Recognize Others’ Issues
If the first step is knowing, owning, and accepting your own (possible) “liabilities,” the next is learning how to determine (and accept) someone else’s. If you’re single, I have happy news from successful couples. Most were surprised about the liabilities they ended up accepting when all of the basic criteria were met for love.
You Can Work Through Most Liabilities
One of the secrets to finding and sustaining healthy love is knowing what’s most important to you in a partner, and the good news is that it’s a shorter list than you might think. Once basic needs are met, like a feeling of safety and trust, a sense that your lives will intertwine well together, and attraction, you find that you can work through a lot of the other details.
When you find “your one,” you’re going to want to know all his quirks, and you’ll be charmed by them, not mind them, or figure out how to tolerate or improve them. What I don’t want you to do is pretend they don’t exist, avoid, or ignore learning all about them!
What we all want most is to be fully seen and loved. It starts with you being able to do that for yourself. Once you get there, you can move on to the ultimate challenge of finding a person worthy of the same.
If someone is honest with you on the first date, reward them with kindness and honesty of your own. Better yet, you start the trend.
You’ll know it’s your person when they want to know all of you and offer their “eyes wide open” love in return. Don’t settle for anything less.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Do you use dating PR tricks or do you strive to be yourself when dating? Have you had to deal with the aftermath of dishonest dating? What liabilities do you have that aren’t too attractive?
Tags Senior Dating Advice
Great tips! I have been divorced 2 years (I was married for 40 years) and I’ve been on 3 dates. Not sure what this is but all three talked about themselves and zero questions about me?? Maybe they were nervous, I even tried bringing up myself a few times but still didn’t get show interest in me🤷♀️. When you said you’ll know it’s the one when they want to know all of you, it kind of confirmed why I had no interest in another date- I felt no connection.
I don’t have a problem sharing my quirks, at this age I feel that’s easy!!
Any advice?
Thank you for this article!
This is a common occurrence in men over 60 who never had any training in listening and still subscribe to the idea that they need to impress (by talking–sometimes non-stop) especially when they are nervous, which they are. Asking for a video chat first does 2 things: gets you both to loosen up, if you’ve established some rapport already, meeting in person is not so nerve-racking. Second, you can determine in a video if they have any interest in getting to know you (sometimes you have to say: I’m loving hearing about you, do you want to know a little more about me? More about the video chat strategy here: https://lauriegerber.com/blog/videochat?rq=video%20chat
Such good advice! If I ever decide to date again (I am 73 and have had 2 failed marriages), I will be doing just as she suggests. In my younger days I was trying to hide my quirks, an exhausting process that only leads to more covering up as time goes on and a relationship based on lies, putting it bluntly. At this point I see my quirks for what they are–they make me human and interesting.
I love that you said this, Marian. Come find me when you’re ready to try again, you know what they say about the third time!
What about disclosing information about sticky life situations that we might be in? . . .
All the sticky stuff should be disclosed early on. If the chemistry and life workability is there, the next compatibility factor is all about how you care for each other–this is when life issues, personality quirks, bad habits etc. all need to be revealed and faced…some your partner can work with and some they can’t. But they get to choose eyes wide open, and so do you.
Thank you, Laurie . . . I’m getting embarking on spending time with a new man . . . and at this point, we are just friends. However, I have another home – out of state – with a man living there. Though once romantic, at this point t’s a platonic relationship and never will be anything more. I do plan on severing the out-of-state platonic relationship – but the man in question there is elderly, infirmed, and will have to find another place to live. How on earth do I explain this to my potential new person? – or to any man who might come into my life?
What a great question and slightly sticky situation. I will tell you this, in my 20+ years coaching people, I have yet to meet someone without a secret or 7. the right person for you will also have secrets and liabilities he struggles to share but if you’re meant to be together, you will do that hard work and come out better on the other side. Here’s a blog I wrote to help you design the conversation: https://lauriegerber.com/blog/awkward?rq=Difficult%20Conversations
Thank you, Laurie! I will read it, and I appreciate your help. My situation is truly sticky and has weighed heavily on my mind.
I would imagine that it depends on what those situations are, and what actions you are taking to remedy them.
yup
I’ve been widowed ten years, and began dating an old high school friend who, too had lost his spouse. We renewed our friendship and it moved onto romance. The problem is he is a terrible kisser. I can’t tell him that! I try to guide the kissing hoping it will help. Sometimes it does.
My liability lies in my ADHD and all the partially finished projects.
These are VERY common liabilities. First, does he mind your ADHD? Secondly about the kissing: it’s time to have a totally honest conversation about it. It can change, but men need to understand consequences and be specifically trained and reminded, it’s not a matter of not caring or not being able to. He needs to be lovingly taught, with sweetness, kindness and faith all the way. More on designing hard conversations here; https://lauriegerber.com/blog/awkward?rq=8%20step%20cheat
No, he is ADHD as well, but he has “brain hacks” that help him. Basically they are reminders. I’m artistic and scattered but he gives me space both literally and emotionally.
Thank you for your advice on my issue with his kissing. That conversation will happen. I do worry about hurting his feelings, but he is not nearly as sensitive as I am, plus I’m diplomatic and we both have a good sense of humor!
this is all great news! Read that blog, it’s a step by step guide on how to write up the conversation, practice, and then do it. You’ll be so relieved when you do. Sounds like so much is great between you, and kissing really is so individual.
I am almost always myself, except that I will certainly be looking for traits that attract me (class/refinement/open mindedness and decent grooming). If those traits are not there, neither am I.
Mariage is not the only choice for older widows or divorced women and LAT-Living Apart Together is another choice which gives each person togetherness but also freedom and financial independence.
In theory, I agree with you. In practice, the financial side is rather hard when one earns much.more than the other. But I’m sure love would find à way.
People have been making money differentials work for eons. The question is, is it out in the open and up for real discussion? And I don’t just mean “money equality” and values around money, but the equality of what each person brings to the relationship. Money is just one currency we have to spend, there are so many others. A good relationship is one in which both parties understand and appreciate what the other brings (and can live with what he doesn’t)
Look at it this way: you (or the other person) is already living under those circumstances. One has to be honest about their financial situation, and neither party should expect a 50/50 arrangement. Most of us have some kind of budgetary constraints.
I agree!
I am a huge fan of this choice, and it makes sense as we are maybe the first generation that can really survive and thrive without a man around! And some of us really WANT one and that’s cool too.
I understand. you have to have some dealbreakers of course!
I had huge difficulties with this man right from the beginning. He was incredibly stingy (he invited me out twice and I had to pay for my part). It got too.much when he had paid for some chocolate to eat (which I hadn’t asked for), then asked me if I wanted à coffee and when I said yes, asked me to pay for it. He snooped to find out my salary and knows I earn twice as much as him. The underlying message I hear here is, since you have a higher salary, you can pay for me too and he wants sex once à week, using my place and his. For me, this is unpaid prostitution.
That sounds frustrating! Whereas I believe regular sex and sharing expenses is healthy in a long-term relationship and consistent with feminism and not prostitution. I do not like how this man went about seeing if he could get what he was looking for with you–no grace! No give to get. I think it is fair for men to want sex and to want to know about and share a woman’s finances but those are conversations to be had once affinity and comfort and attraction has grown and the needs/desires need to be presented in such a way that they do not sound like demands or entitlements, b/c they are not. Stinginess however is a personality trait, a true liability, and that’s not for everyone. My husband and I are both very frugal, and it works but stingy is a terrible way to start a romance, much less keep it hot.
Thank you. I really needed some réassurance on this as dating is so different. I agree with you though totally.
Thanks for interacting, it makes it more fun and rewarding to write these pieces when I can tell they are helping!
I am very careful with money too. His behaviour was like this in the first 2 weeks so I watched it very carefully.
roger that