How to Divorce Your Adult Children and Restore Your Sanity
I am known for exposing the “elephant in the living room.” Those things everybody knows but nobody is talking about. Not every mother-daughter relationship reads like a Hallmark card, and our culture makes that a shameful secret to bear.
Dr. Christiane Northrup suggested that the bonding hormones that flood a mother’s blood stream at childbirth stay with women for about 28 years.
It is no accident, then, that the first round of truly adult separation (not teenage rebellion) begins to rear its head somewhere around 30 for women and the menopause years for their mothers. For the first time, the veil begins to lift and we see each other for the women we have become.
When It Comes to Your Adult Children, What is Normal?
Some estimate that 96% of American Families are dysfunctional in some way – making it the norm. But “normal” is not necessarily healthy, and it certainly falls short of the abundant life we’ve been promised.
Women are held responsible for the relational health of the world – at work, at home, family health and wellbeing, the sexuality, the promiscuity, the cause, the cure and the results. When a true perpetrator arises in a family, the mother protects ala Mama Bear. If she doesn’t die trying, she can later become a target.
Mom is apparently the one who knew (or should have known) what was happening at every moment of every day to their children – physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. After all, moms have eyes in the backs of their heads and are equipped with the unusual ability to read minds, right?
See also: Letting Go And The Art Of Parenting Adult Children
What Is Healthy When It Comes to Adult Children?
M. Scott Peck wrote, “Mental health is an ongoing process of dedication to reality at all costs.” The pinch point for grandmothers is that any loss of relationship with our adult children means strained relations – if not severed ties – with the grandchildren who now light up our lives.
I am a mother of three and grandmother to 11. I stayed with their father for more than 20 years believing that somehow I could make him feel loved enough to change.
Over time, each of my children has drawn close to me for healing, and pulled away for the same reason. I am, after all, the one they hold responsible for the shifting emotional sand in their psyche.
Ten years ago, I remarried a man whose children were also grown. We imagined that would alleviate the adjustments of step-families. In some ways, not having children in the home made it easier to forge our identity as a married couple.
Although we shared values, we didn’t share history with each others’ children. We each brought our traditions and expectations to bear. When I recently chose to divorce this man who had played “grandpa” to my children’s children, old wounds surfaced.
Had I known that to leave him meant I would lose my only local family, I probably would have stayed for the sake of the grandchildren. It’s that old programming baby boomer women still struggle with.
If something isn’t working, you try harder. Marital problems? Pray more, love more, give more, be patient, and wait it out. Suck it up, stuff it down, be quiet and don’t make waves.
What Is Real?
I have identified four distinct stages in the journey to wholeness.
Desperate
Our lives become (or continue to be) a carefully constructed illusion based on how it looks, what people will think, and what we imagine will get us the love and security we so desperately crave.
This is why grandmothers continue to “make peace at all costs” rather than saying what they see, need and want. Some have called it the disease to please.
Distant
Pretending that everything is okay when in our hearts we know that is not true can only go so far. We go along to get along. We smile in public and cry in private. We live a lie, and it eats at our souls every day.
Women think if we ignore it, maybe it will go away or time will heal all wounds. The thing is, time doesn’t heal buried pain. It has to be unearthed and acknowledged before it will pass away. Pain that gets buried alive poisons the rest of our lives.
Divorce
Divorce is a harsh word when applied to our mother-child relationships, isn’t it? But it happens whether we acknowledge it or not. Divorce occurs when all communication has broken down and attempts at reconciliation fail.
It is the most painful dark night of the soul. With divorce comes all the drama of severed relationships, he-said she-said finger pointing, and drama triangles where people talk about each other, but never directly to one another so healing could occur. We might as well lawyer up and some do. It’s called Grandparent Rights.
See also: The Detachment Wall: How To Let Go Of Your Adult Children
Done
Last is the place of acceptance. There is no anger, no angst, no more bargaining. It is where we accept what life is handing out right now and the fighting is done.
You have decided what you do and do not want, what you will and will not stand for, and are making decisions to move forward with or without the resolution you may have hoped for. You are free to stay or go because you have become dedicated to reality at all costs.
Read HOW TO DEAL WITH HAVING AN ESTRANGED ADULT CHILD.
Legal Aspects and Grandparent Rights – What You Need to Know
Sixty & Me has explored the topic of “Grandparents’ Rights” to provide helpful insights for those facing this challenging situation. While this information is not intended to serve as official legal advice, it offers key facts about your rights as a grandparent and steps you can take to advocate for them.
When relationships with adult children become strained or severed, grandparents often face the heartbreaking reality of losing access to their grandchildren. This situation can feel isolating and disempowering, but understanding your legal rights as a grandparent can provide a pathway to preserving these cherished connections.
What Are Grandparent Rights?
Grandparent rights vary by country and state but generally refer to legal provisions allowing grandparents to seek visitation or custody of their grandchildren under specific circumstances. These laws aim to protect the best interests of the child while balancing parental rights.
Common scenarios where grandparent rights may apply include:
- Estrangement: If adult children sever ties with their parents and restrict access to the grandchildren.
- Divorce or Separation: When a child’s parents divorce or separate, grandparents may step in to provide stability and maintain family connections.
- Death of a Parent: The surviving parent may limit or cut off contact with the deceased parent’s extended family.
- Child Welfare Concerns: If there are allegations of neglect or abuse by the parents, grandparents may petition for custody or visitation.
When to Seek Legal Advice
Not all situations require legal action, but it’s essential to consult a family law attorney if:
- Efforts to communicate with your adult child or maintain access to your grandchildren have failed.
- You believe your grandchildren are in an unsafe or unhealthy environment.
- Your relationship with the grandchildren has been unreasonably restricted or severed without cause.
- You have played a significant caregiving role in your grandchildren’s lives and wish to continue that relationship.
How to Advocate for Grandparent Rights
Document Your Relationship
Keep records of time spent with your grandchildren, including photos, gifts, or messages, to demonstrate the strength of your bond. This evidence can be helpful if legal intervention becomes necessary.
Attempt Mediation
Before pursuing legal action, consider mediation to resolve conflicts with your adult children. A neutral third party can help facilitate communication and potentially avoid courtroom disputes.
Understand Local Laws
Laws governing grandparent rights differ significantly depending on your location. Some states require proof that visitation is in the best interest of the child, while others may only grant rights in cases of parental divorce, death, or abuse.
File a Petition
If all else fails, you may need to file a formal petition for visitation or custody. Work with a qualified attorney to ensure your case meets the legal requirements in your jurisdiction.
Prepare for Court
Be prepared to demonstrate that your relationship with the grandchildren is beneficial to their well-being and that continued contact serves their best interests. Courts prioritize the child’s welfare over all else.
Limitations of Grandparent Rights
Parental Rights Take Precedence
Courts often prioritize the rights of the parents to make decisions about their children.
Burden of Proof
Grandparents typically bear the responsibility of proving that their involvement is in the child’s best interest.
Cost and Emotional Toll
Legal battles can be financially and emotionally draining. Consider whether pursuing legal action aligns with your values and the potential outcomes.
When to Let Go
In some cases, pursuing grandparent rights may not be the best course of action. If legal intervention risks further alienating your adult child or negatively affecting your grandchildren, it may be better to focus on indirect ways to express your love and presence. Writing letters, sending cards, or creating keepsakes for your grandchildren can serve as meaningful reminders of your bond.
By equipping yourself with knowledge and support, you can make informed decisions about how to protect and nurture your relationship with your grandchildren while maintaining your own emotional well-being.
Why Setting Boundaries Isn’t Selfish
For many mothers and grandmothers, the idea of setting boundaries with their adult children can feel unnatural, even wrong. We’re used to giving, accommodating, and putting our children’s needs before our own. But when that pattern continues unchecked into their adulthood, it can drain us emotionally, mentally, and sometimes even financially.
Setting boundaries isn’t about cutting people off – it’s about protecting your peace, honoring your needs, and creating space for healthier interactions. It’s not a punishment. It’s a form of self-respect.
You might worry that saying “no” will make you look cold or uncaring. But real love includes accountability. Boundaries teach others how to treat you, and they give relationships a chance to grow from mutual respect rather than obligation or guilt.
If your adult child speaks to you in a way that’s disrespectful or demands more than you’re willing to give, it’s not wrong to say:
- “I’m happy to talk when we can be respectful.”
- “I’m not able to help with that right now.”
- “I love you, but I need to take a step back for my own well-being.”
These aren’t walls – they’re doors with doorknobs on both sides. Boundaries can actually create the conditions for reconnection, because they remove the resentment that builds when we’re pushed past our limits.
Remember, your role as a parent has shifted. You’re not abandoning them by drawing a line. You’re simply saying, “I matter too.” And that’s not selfish, it’s healthy.
What’s Next for You and Your Adult Children?
Do I wish I had capacity back then to do some things differently? Definitely. Do I regret what I allowed my children to endure because of the choices I made? Mm-hmm.
Is there anything I can do now to go back and change it? Not a damn thing. Does it serve anyone for me to live in remorse and regret? Nope. Not now, not ever. Never.
Nobody had a perfect childhood – at least nobody in my generational gene pool. We all did the best we could with what we had to work with at the time. That is as true today as it was generations ago.
The biggest healer for women in daughter divorces is to break the shame by breaking the silence. Let’s talk about what’s real and how to help live dreams without drama in our later years.
Read WHEN PEOPLE ASK ABOUT MY ESTRANGED CHILDREN… WHAT CAN I SAY?
Also read 60 AND ESTRANGED FROM AN ADULT CHILD? HOW NOT TO DEAL WITH IT.
This article has generated several important conversations. Many mothers/grandmothers are going through similar realities each with their unique set of situations. Talking and being vulnerable with one another is part of the healing process – as we can tell by reading your chats. Knowing that you are not alone helps in accepting the outcome of your distanced relationship with your adult children.
Many have mentioned that therapy has helped them through this difficult time in their lives. Online therapy sessions are now readily available and affordable. Websites like Better Help, Talk Space, and Online Therapy have therapists and mental health professionals available to listen and guide you.
Resources for Healing Parent-Child Relationships and Navigating Estrangement
After reading your comments, we were struck by how many of you are navigating this challenging situation. In response, Sixty & Me has added a dedicated resources section to Kim’s heartfelt and insightful article to provide additional support and guidance.
Below are some highly recommended books, podcasts, online forums, and support networks to help you on your journey toward understanding, healing, and finding peace.
Books
- When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don’t Get Along by Joshua Coleman – A compassionate guide that provides strategies for navigating conflicts and misunderstandings with adult children while fostering self-awareness and emotional growth.
- Done With the Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children by Sheri McGregor – Written by a mother who has experienced estrangement, this book offers practical advice and emotional support to help mothers heal and move forward with their lives.
- Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children by Allison Bottke – A resourceful guide for parents who need help establishing boundaries while still supporting their adult children in healthy and meaningful ways.
Podcasts
- The Estranged Heart – This podcast explores the complexities of estranged family relationships, providing personal stories and professional insights on healing and growth.
- The Reconnection Club Podcast – Specifically for parents of estranged adult children, this podcast provides tips and support for working toward reconciliation and understanding.
Online Communities and Forums
- Rejected Parents Forum (RejectedParents.net) – A supportive online space where parents can connect, share stories, and seek advice from others facing estrangement from their adult children.
- Facebook Groups – There are several Facebook communities, such as Estranged Mothers Support Group and Parents of Estranged Adult Children, where members offer advice, empathy, and solidarity.
By exploring these resources, you can find the support, understanding, and strategies needed to face the challenges of estrangement or difficult relationships with adult children. These tools may help you process your emotions, foster self-care, and even work toward reconciliation when possible.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Where do you find yourself in the process of letting your adult children go? Where are you on the journey to finding yourself in your sixties? Please share your thoughts below!
Tags Adult Children
Hi ladies. In October I called my daughter and was surprised when she told me she was in an abusive marriage. I asked her if she needed anything from me and first, she said no, but after we hung up from one another she texted me and stated she needed some money because her spouse would not buy food and she had little to eat, and he would not come home until late and when he did come home, he would go into a separate room. I became alarmed when she stated it became a little physical which drove her to sleeping on the couch for a few months. She said she was ready to end the marriage and I asked her again what she needed from me, and she wanted me to come and get her from another state. I let my supervisor know I had a family emergency and needed to leave as soon as possible which I was granted time to get her. Now she is with me her attitude towards me has changed. She does not speak to me and goes into another room when I come in to get something. I became ill and had to go in the hospital for over two weeks and have been off work since November 2022 trying to recover. It has been hard as she has gone back to school and has voiced no one is going to stop her from reaching her goals. I expressed to her I am trying to support her as best I can. Mind you I give her money, pay 600.00 a month for her counseling sessions, buy her clothes and makes sure she eats and is comfortable. The agency I work for offered her a job working 2 overnights on the weekends, but she did not take the job. I spoke to her on yesterday morning, and she did not want to hear anything I had to say. I was told I was a selfish mother who only thinks about herself. I risked my health driving almost 900 miles by myself against doctor’s orders due to the nature of my illness and now she has painted me as the parent who made her life hard. I had to try and remain calm due to my illness, and it hurt that she tried to make it seem like I am the bad parent as I expressed to her no parent is perfect, but I have tried to assist her as she asked. I saw I was getting nowhere and stated to her I will not bother her but am not going to live walking on eggshells in my own home. She will cook for me in the evenings and take the trash out but other than that she stays in the back room 7 days a week with no conversation with me. I have not felt this alone living by myself. I have prayed and asked God to help me as her being here {though I love her very much}, is affecting my health. It is causing me stress which is not good for my heart. I was in an abusive marriage 20 years myself and to hear her twist my words when talking with her I feel like I was used and once she gets on her feet, I will not hear from her again. I will for the time being leave her alone but will still treat her right. I didn’t have my mom when I was going through my abuse due to her passing when I was young. I tried to be there for my daughter but am having second thoughts as to whether or not I made the right decision. I cry many times as I am trying to figure out what I did wrong. I am in my 60’s and this is hard. I don’t want to have a health set back dealing with the stress of this situation. Thank you for listening as I needed to be able to get this off my chest.
I’m not sure taking this treatment is going to change her. Hasn’t been my experience with my adult children, I was stressed for 20 years until they closed the doors, not me, please please please do not allow your child to drag you into her pathology. You are NOT responsible for her behavior. You deserve peace of mind and joy!
Lol. I bet there is a lot of overlap between the people on this thread and the adult children who are on narcissistic parents forum.
In my experience, when there is a rupture between parents and children, 90% of the time it is the parent’s fault. But as I read this article and these comments, parents don’t want to come to terms with the things that they did to cause the rupture. Instead they want to make excuses and say pablum like “I can’t change the past.”
Do you want some advice from an adult child who has gone no contact on their parents? Very rarely is the child holding the past against you. You are likely being blamed for *current* behavior, and the past is only rehashed as a reminder that you haven’t changed. Hope this helps
Respectfully disagree with this.
Most mothers try their best. Grow up – look at their intention, even if some actions don’t seem right to you, look at the stresses and problems they had. Show appreciation and stop blaming. Stand on yr own 2 feet and live yr life, while honouring the effort of yr mother.
Sounds like emotional anger talking?
Sorry Bayley, but your comment about “90% of the time it is the parents’ fault” is not exactly a statistic derived from a scientific case study, lol. “In my experience”, you say? Exactly what is your experience? Do yourself a favor and stop acting like “an adult child” and learn how to communicate and forgive if you think mom hurt your feelings. You admit causing problems in the past that get “rehashed”. Maybe you are repeating patterns of behavior and are arrested in an adolescent phase of development and need help?…just sayin. Maybe your mom hast trust issues with you because of your past? Nobody’s perfect and it is inappropriate to come on this support forum for brokenhearted mothers and attack mothers. You sound like a real prize of a daughter there, Bayley.
Bayley, how long have you been raising children? I think your understanding of parenthood is limited to the child’s view. Your statements are sadly reflective of a limited and generalizing world view. Parents do a whole lot for their children: financially providing shelter, food, clothing, education, medical care, lessons and activities, transportation, training in life skills and social skills, practical teaching like how to take care of themselves, how to hee clean, how to go to the toilet, how to tie shoes, how to get dressed, how to brush teeth and hair, how to sing or play an instrument, how to draw and sketch and paint, how to ice and roller skate, how to ride a trike and then a bike, how to jump rope, how to play baseball, tennis, other sports, how to swim: I could go on, but Bayley, did you use a fork and knife to feed yourself today? Did you wipe your own behind? Did you brush your teeth? Can you ride a bike or do any of the million things that INFANTS CANNOT DO? Then thank your mother. Thank your mother every time you lift a fork to your mouth or comb your hair or ride a bike etc etc etc. Your mom taught you how to live as a human being. She stopped her own life dead in its tracks to spend 24/7 for 18 years making sure YOU, Bayley, got what you needed. She gave up her own plans and dreams and her own precious time: her one and only life—-so that YOU would have what you needed. She did this willingly and (in my case with my turned-out-arrogant-and-ungrateful daughter) she did it joyfully. So as you go through your day, Bayley, and every time you are in the bathroom, think about who wiped up YOUR S—- for several years and spent 18 years delaying her own life so you could have yours.
You might want to look at Dante’s Divine Comedy and see if you can find out which circle of Hell ungrateful souls go to.
Mothers do their best. Are they human and do they make mistakes? Certainly—-I know I made mistakes in parenting. And I tried to make up for it when I did.
But mothers raise you from a screaming, stinking ball of nothing into a human being, which is a Herculean job and a TON of 24/7 work.
Mothers deserve good treatment. There is deep misogyny in a whole generation of vipers turning on them.
So unfortunate that this has happened to me at 50 not 60. I’ve been so heartbroken because my youngest is only 20! While we’re not written off all together, she continues edge us out. She recently moved out of our home with her boyfriend. I’m so disappointed as these aren’t the values in which she was raised. So much has taken place with my daughter over the last 3 months, more than I can say…even though I feel cheated because this is happening so early, I appreciate this information. I’m not alone and I’m not crazy because of my broken heart.
Nothing hurts like the loss of a dream. And a mother’s heart takes time to heal once the shock wears off. Bathe yourself in grace as you navigate this lonely road. We’re here for you!
—Kim
I am worried that I have done more damage than good to my now 24 year old daughter. We have a close relationship but only if I am not trying to have the tough conversation of when she is going to start paying her own rent … own car note… own car insurance … etc and if I am not asking why didn’t she go to work. I love my daughter but I am almost 60 years old and I can no longer support her but afraid she will have a melt down and never recover if I pull the rug from under her. She is in her six year of a four year degree program and my husband and I started paying out of pocket for her college s out two years ago because she no longer qualified for financial aid because of her grades. It’s all getting to be too much. Any advice would help.
Setting boundaries (not walls) can be a loving act. Dr. Phil said we teach others how to treat us. Consider how you allow others to treat you and make adjustments where that doesn’t align with your values and self- respect.
—Kim
I’m 62 years old I have one child a daughter who is 30 about to be 31. She has lived with me off and on most of her adult life. She moved out at 17 and moved back when she became pregnant with her first child. She has never married and now has 2 boys that is the light of my life and has always lived with me. She would work and help out around the house and is a good mother. A little over a year ago she meet this person and moved her and her 4 year old daughter into my home. At the same time she quit her job and lost her dad. This person put a wedge between us because I wasn’t going to work and take care of everyone and told this women she would have to leave. Now I am the bad guy, we fight all the time, she is verbally and sometimes physically abusive towards me. She got her dad’s life insurance (he and I had been divorced for many years) moved out leased a place. Lost her home, lost the boys which were giving to me. Moved back in with me with this women and lost her car. This woman was very abusive to my daughter and she came to me for help in getting her out. Now she is talking to her again and fighting with me again because I won’t give in and let her move back in. I am at a point of having my daughter evicted, because she is abusive to me but I worry about my grandsons, she has no where to go and no job or vehicle. I am so torn and tiered of the fighting, my daughter has issues with depression and I’m afraid if I make her leave she will hurt herself. I know I need to do right by my grandsons but I don’t know what that right is. Do I protect them and risk them losing their mom or let her walk out and wait for DSS to take them from her again. I’m at a loss and just want to disappear. I can’t keep doing this it’s killing me mentally and physically.
I know people in that position and my heart goes out to you. Doing the right thing is not always the easiest. Your heart knows that protecting yourself comes first. Detachment means letting go with love. What your daughter does with her adult decisions is not your burden to carry. Your grandchildren need love and security. You get to decide if that’s worth the energy from you.
Hugs,
—Kim
Detachment with love is not always possible. When in danger, detach anyway you can to protect yourself.