60 and Estranged from an Adult Child? How Not to Deal with It
Estrangement is a widespread and stigmatized condition when an individual cuts ties with one or more family members. Over one-quarter of the population deals with either an adult child or another family member’s decision to disconnect. Cut-off family members and parents experience grief marking the loss of the relationship status.
Sadly, anxiety concerning whether an adult child will resume communication can linger. Through uncertainty and discomfort parents search for how to cope with the onslaught of thoughts and the loss of their adult child. Estranged parents feel bewildered and wonder what to do.
Estranged Parents
Recently, awareness has increased with stories of celebrity estrangements. People are more familiar with adult children cutting ties with their parents. But with all the uncertainty surrounding the condition, what should parents do?
Each story is unique, but parents typically respond with many uncomfortable emotions. Losing the relationship status with an adult child can illicit anger, guilt, denial, bargaining, and shock.
Estrangement’s complex shape differs from the loss caused by death. There are no ceremonies with supportive family and friends. The shame often binds parents to secrecy. Well-meaning friends usually don’t know what to say, or they suggest unhelpful advice. The sad fact that an adult child has decided to intentionally separate is heartbreaking.
No parent is prepared for their kid to walk away from them. Usually, the unwanted break-off leaves parents in a heap of reactions that potentially harm their prospects of resolving the problem. Other family members take sides, and the estrangement with your adult child can evolve into a crisis of epic proportions. In addition, parents can be angry and react harshly by expunging their children in retaliation.
Parental Expectations Vs. Adult Kids Expectations
The more I speak with parents in my practice, the wider the divide appears. As we age, we recognize the temporary nature of our lives. Our time resources are diminishing. We are keenly aware of our priorities. If we have families, we likely want to strengthen our relationships.
We want to spend holidays and perhaps vacations together. We like being included in family functions. Exceptions to desiring more time were when the family was entrenched in dysfunction, toxicity, or abuse.
Generally, parents want closer ties than their kids. In their developmental life stage, adult children consider their careers, friendships, interests, and family units. They are less likely to prioritize communication with their parents since their priorities are elsewhere. Indeed, there are exceptions. However, studies of individuals over their lifespan defer to perceptions supporting polarized priorities.
Contributors to Cut-Offs
Parental expectations of wanting closer family ties and the gap with what adult children desire is just one facet of estrangement. Studies implicate personality, environment, parental attachment, intergenerational stressors, divorce, parental alienation, poverty, mental illness, and addictions in the likelihood of family estrangement.
Adult children can couple with a toxic partner or are unhinged over inheritance matters. Families can be brutal when there are different lifestyles and values. Parent-child relationships that are overly close-enmeshed and over-dependent can backfire into a cut-off. When it strikes, all parties are impacted.
Studies indicate that adult children experience grief but claim they do it to save themselves. Something went on that was too much for them to bear, so they needed space. Parents are shocked, angry, guilty, ashamed, bewildered, anxious, and afraid. The anxiety over resolving and understanding what on earth happened can be devastating.
Moving Towards a Newfound Acceptance
Parents grieve and process to find their way through. The stories they tell are filled with confusion and sometimes regret. What happened? Where did I go wrong? What is wrong with me? What happened to my child?
Parents process their feelings by moving towards them courageously. They talk to a safe person, resume activities they enjoy, and spend time with those that love and value them. They focus on caring for themselves and learning communication skills.
Coleman’s Five Mistakes
Joshua Coleman, psychologist and author of Rules of Estrangement, shares the estrangement with his daughter and clinical expertise. His experience working with parents of estranged adult children and research includes the “five mistakes” parents make.
Interestingly, the five mistakes are also common among non-estranged parents. Brave parents admit they are angry, upset, and hurt about the unfairness of the estrangement condition. Anxiety over resolving the cut-off can lead to thinking reconciliation will happen quickly.
This false expectation can lead to frustration and disappointment. I hear from parents overwhelmed by guilt and regret that they resorted to exploding on their adult child. Many also assume that their kid’s cut-off is all about them.
Joshua Colemans Five Mistakes Parents Make
- Motivate by Guilt
- Return Fire with Fire
- Believe the Relationship is Based on Fairness
- Thinking Reconciliation Will Happen Quickly
- Assuming That Your Kids Distant Behavior is All About You
What to Do When You Feel Guilty
Guilt is a self-accusation over something you feel you did wrong. If you are hypercritical and ruminating on your mistakes, ask yourself if beating yourself up has worked for you.
All parents make mistakes; we posture our amended thinking by reminding ourselves we did the best we could at the time. Most parents have regrets, but we can’t allow them to control us. If we find ourselves stuck in guilt and regret, we should get support to work it through. In essence, we need to forgive ourselves for being imperfect and move forward.
The positive side of recognizing our mistakes is committing to future improvements. Regarding our adult kids, there are wiser ways to deal with them than we are inclined to, especially when we are grieving. Joshua Coleman suggests parents identify what they did, take responsibility, and consider making amends.
Estrangement is extraordinarily stressful and heartbreaking. The cut-off harms all parties, but parents find themselves ill-prepared and grasping for solutions and answers. When we are estranged, being informed, engaging in self-care, and understanding adult children and the contributors to the cut-off prepare us for the possible length of our estrangement.
Being self-compassionate and processing your grief over the loss of the relationship status will strengthen you and help you to move forward. Your life will be different; however, you can find joy again if you choose.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Are you committed to a self-care routine that manages stress and its effects on your body and psychological state? What books have been most helpful to you?
We Have recently been cut off by our daughter of 29, she is only communicating through our son, which I should see as a blessing but this is putting our relationship under pressure.
I tried to explain how i feel but as he hasn’t ever had a emotional loss he finds it very hard to understand.
Being adopted myself we have always put family first and I can,t understand why, via my son i heard that its because we had a normal relationship and we did argue on a few occasions, oh and we didn’t do much as we didn’t earn enough when they were young .
We have always let them be independent which seems to have been the wrong thing to do
I feel Guilty My heart hurts every day and I am finding hard to continue, I am sure that this has effected my heath I can’t sleep can.t be bothered to eat and I have become so snappy with my work collogues i am scared that I will lose my job.
I have worked all my life to have a happy family and a nice house what’s the point continuing
I am not the happy go lucky person that I am normally am.
My son married a toxic woman and since then he has not been communicating with us except when they need a babysitter or an occasion they want us there. He has changed and he has become cold, distant, cruel, detached and it breaks our hearts to see our loving son changed to such a monster. For this reason we do not want to continue our awful relationship with him and his family and left it to him to do something about it if he wants to. we are detaching ourselves from them and have decided to stop any communication between us and we are building our lives again and planning to sell our house and move away.
Thanks
I estranged myself from my parents after my mother lied to me when I was 28 had a really great 8 years after lying about a crime my brother committed said it wasn’t any of my business I told her to fuck off then when I was 36 she wanted me to forgive her, and I made the mistake of letting her back in my life, because passed away due incompetence of my younger brother who is in charge of the estate lying to me every time he gets a chance I made a mistake trusting him. I wish I never would of started talking to her again so I could just sigh, and say I didn’t talk to her for 18 years it doesn’t matter to me, I wouldn’t of talked to after my dad passed away in 2017. I was abused by both my parents physically, and mentally after I moved out of my parent’s house long ago I knew I hated my family afterwards I wish we were wealthy so I could of moved as far away as possible from them I was just 4 miles away I was cordial, but when I saw them I was in my head my inner voice was I want to fucking kill you all. It’s not the child’s fault it’s the parent’s for making a broken child. I hope every parent who fucked their kid, or kids up that are estranged die alone and miserable.
Oh my. These comments are prime examples of all of the missing missing reasons behind these estrangements. It’s not hard to read between the lines and see why your kids have cut you off. The author might want to re-think her inclusion of the word “unfairness.” Use of it hints at a bias against actions having consequences.
I’ve always found it extremely interesting that most estranged parents that are vocal online are deeply Christian or Evangelical. Often they outright express that their children will burn in hell for abandoning them. I find that a repulsive point of view, and am extraordinarily grateful that I am an atheist and have never believed in this vengeful god so-called loving Christians worship for some bizarre reason. Without the blinders of organized religion, once can see that adult relationships require a MUTUAL respect, not a kowtowing unquestioning worship of the parent. Many estranged parents simply refuse to see their child as their equal and that is why they’ll never speak to them again, in earth or in “””Heaven”””
Hi Andrea, and thank you for commenting.
I suppose people can very easily misrepresent God, who actually went to great lengths to reconcile with all of His estranged children. Not all Christians know how to love or express their love; and none of us can do it quite like God.
There is also confusion in regard to parent/child relationships these days. Parents don’t show respect for their children, and children don’t show respect for their parents. As a result, both feel hurt and protective of themselves, and neither cares about the other.
Christian or not, when one is hurt, one can say and do stupid things, then feel prideful about it.
Christians are called to love others deeply; non-Christians are called daily to love themselves first. So, in a world where one party is supposed to love others unconditionally, while the other is called to reject others and only love self and care about self and put self first…. We are becoming a culture of self-lovers, self-first persons. Nobody else matters, nothing else matters. Not a single relationship with another being can ever prosper if you always only put yourself first. It’s always some sort of give and take, if you care about the other person at all.
Mothers know this – they absolutely have to take care of their child first or he/she can literally die. It is a self-less calling. But when mothers put themselves first, the children become selfish and needy and mentally unhealthy. Vengeful later on.
It is a mess and we have created it, we have to bear the consequences of it. Of our self-love and self-appreciation and self-everything. For those who seek the self, there is no other. It’s why there are so many narcissists these days, and many Christians have fallen for it, too.
Being vocal about your children going to hell is likely coming from a broken heart, but it’s still a terrible thing to say, and as in your case, gives a very untrue description of who God actually is.
I hurt for both parties, which is why, even though my mother-in-law is quite difficult to be around at times, I push away my desire to protect myself at all costs, and just do what’s necessary for the relationship to exist at all. I suppose she does the same in her own way. It’s always ALWAYS a give and take thing if you care for the other person. If you don’t, then… you are left with yourself, and that can be boring and lonely, and downright depressing.
Wishing you a lovely day!
What a laughable generalization of “Christians vs Non-Christians” you’ve written here. Do you know how many adult children are finally able to have ANY successful or healthy relationships once they have cut the toxic parent(s) out of their lives? It’s amazing how your emotional landscape widens and expands once you’re free of someone who demands respect while never giving any themselves. Parents are not special for having children – it takes 10 seconds of meaningless copulation to create a child. Any idiot can do it. It neither confers some special depth of understanding nor any kind of elevated status. Children become self-focused because that is what they are SUPPOSED TO DO. Differentiation is a normal and healthy concept and far too many parents define themselves SOLELY by their parenthood. Estranged parents would do far better to recognize that they aren’t special for being parents, and to recognize that they need to actually have a real life outside of their “selfish and vengeful” children.