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The Detachment Wall: How to Let Go of Your Adult Children

By Christine Field May 05, 2023 Family

Some of us moms have a problem with our attachment to our children, to the point where the bond can become unhealthy.

Can we love our children but not let their choices or behavior make us crazy? Is some detachment actually a good idea?

Is Detachment a Wall?

The idea of detaching from a person can seem terrifying. But is there a way to practice healthy detachment?

Another way of thinking about it is this – when we live detached, we are not placing a wall between us and others. Instead, we are examining our own expectations and dependencies.

With those in perspective, we are freer to love another person because the focus is shifted to them and is not solely on us.

With our adult children, though we love them unconditionally, we try to satisfy unmet needs in us:

  • Our need to be needed.
  • Our desire to nurture someone.
  • Our desire to see that our work and love produces an effect – a child who loves us back.

What we often do is keep a picture in our minds of our child and how they will fulfill these needs and desires for us. What happens when that child rejects us? In my case, and for many other moms, we completely freak out!

What Went Wrong

When we are ‘good mothers,’ we begin to define ourselves by our mothering. While this can be positive and can encourage us to fulfill our role responsibly, by totally adopting that definition we can forget all the other aspects of ‘me.’

When we are our role, when that role is challenging, or when that role is over, what is left of ‘us’?

In dealing with estranged children, we still tend to look within ourselves. We ask ourselves what we did wrong. We obsess over every interaction and question whether we could have responded differently.

Read HOW TO DIVORCE YOUR ADULT CHILDREN AND RESTORE YOUR SANITY.

Also read HOW TO DEAL WITH HAVING AN ESTRANGED ADULT CHILD.

This Monday-morning quarterbacking neglects some basic facts about humans:

You Can’t Control Other People

We surely have influence over our children, but we do not mold them like clay. When they don’t turn out the way we planned, we neglect this fundamental truth.

The Power of Letting Go: How to drop everything that’s holding you back

The Power of Letting Go: How to drop everything that’s holding you back on Amazon

You Can’t Rely on Your Children for Your Happiness

We may have looked ahead to our golden years and seen ourselves surrounded by loving grandchildren. This neglects another fundamental truth: People change. If we rely on other people for our happiness, we may be disappointed.

My source of joy and happiness is an inside job, not dependent on the actions of others.

Find Your Joy: A Powerful Self-Care Journal to Help You Thrive on Amazon

Find Your Joy: A Powerful Self-Care Journal to Help You Thrive on Amazon

Your Emptiness Is Yours to Fill Up

Your adult children don’t exist solely to fill the void of your unmet needs. Do you need the love and admiration of children and grandchildren to be happy? Perhaps meeting your own needs by loving yourself sufficiently will bring more peace and satisfaction.

Complete People Can Love Completely

I remember well the first time my young daughter gushed about a new boyfriend, saying, “He completes me!” We had many long talks deep into the night discussing how love can be real and true only when two people who are complete within themselves come together.

True love rejects the notion that the other exists solely to please you. True love is therefore not threatened when the other displeases you, because the love is not dependent on the other fulfilling your needs.

Having the other person conform to our desires so we will love them is manipulation, not love. Focusing on “what’s in it for me” is a death knell for true love.

Yet, as mothers, we sometimes forget that in our relating to our adult children. When we can view them with some detachment, when our reactions to them are no longer based on expectations or being dependent on them, we are then able to love them fully and freely.

Do not look at your adult child as completing you, giving you a fulfilled life, or meeting your needs. When you set those aside, you begin to understand love.

What to Do Now?

If you are a hurting mama, laid low in the dust by the estrangement of an adult child, what should you do now?

  • Examine your feelings and thoughts. What does it feel like when attachment hurts? What thoughts are you thinking at the time? Can you begin to think differently?
  • Be with others and love them, but don’t look to them as your source of happiness.
  • Learn to be alone, not lonely. Loving ourselves enough that we can be our best companions is healthy.
  • Quit blaming yourself for the state of the relationship. You didn’t and couldn’t control the outcome. Why beat yourself up?

Read WHEN PEOPLE ASK ABOUT MY ESTRANGED CHILDREN… WHAT CAN I SAY?

Here are a few more ideas to help you heal and let go.

  • Journal – Writing or sketching your feelings and thoughts puts you in the moment and helps to get you out of your thoughts. Buy yourself a pretty journal and write in it whenever you feel overwhelmed, sad, or lonely.
  • Find other mothers in the same boat – Join Facebook groups and share your stories with other women who are going through the same thing. Lift each other up and remember not to fall into the trap of wallowing and continuous negativity. 
  • Seek counseling or therapy – Look into talk therapy or cognitive behavioral therapy. Online websites like Better Help and Talk Space offer versatile and affordable access to therapists and counselors.
  • Read empowering books such as:

Self-Love Workbook for Women: Release Self-Doubt, Build Self-Compassion, and Embrace Who You Are by Megan Logan on Amazon.

When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chödron on Amazon

Keep Moving by Maggie Smith on Amazon

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz on Amazon

Mind Over Mood by Dennis Greenberger and Christine A. Padesky on Amazon.

When we are not attached to any outcome in our relationships, then we can be free and happy. When the state of our internal life is more important than our external circumstances – there lies peace.

Read PARENTING ADULT CHILDREN CAN BE AGONY.

Also, MY ADULT CHILDREN CUT ME OUT OF THEIR LIFE.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Do you still find it hard to let go of your adult children? Or, do you still worry about them and take care of them more than you think you should? Please join the conversation below.

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sarah

Your words really hit home, thank you, just what I needed today❤️

Kristine

My only daughter, who’s 27 now, has completely shut me out for over a year now! She has told my friends horrible lies about me just to justify her actions! My mother, who promised to take the two most important pieces of my life away, my daughter and grandson! My mother has succeeded and has manipulated my daughter into the bond I had with my daughter! I have been single for a long time because that is how my daughter wanted it due to my mothers brainwashing her that she would be less important! I have no family I can rely on, no
Emergency contacts, not one person! The worst part is I helped my 17 yr old daughter raise my grandson for 4 years and for her through high school and 2 yrs of college and sacrificed a lot for her! Bought her a house that she moved out of 4 yrs later and told everyone I put her and my grandson out on the streets! She even went to churches for donations saying this! It’s horrible and she was not raised like this! I just don’t understand and my heart is shattered especially for my grandson who has been on a roller coaster ride with her the past 5 yrs! Now I have another grandson who is ( months old that I have never met which I will spare that child and not let him go through what the other one has! I will make
That sacrifice of knowing him to save his mind and heart!

Angela

Hi every hurting mom or there in one way or another. I’ve been trying to find a place that has another person in my situation or already gone through it and can help me. That being said, I’m a mom of twins boy/girl almost 22 years old. For that long is just been our little family of 4. We are tight! I have a strong bond with both. They have never moved out for college or other. My son is getting married in 2 weeks and my heart aches so much it physically hurts. I’ve heard it all from people that just don’t get it. From “cut the strings, you should be happy for him, he’ll still come over alot and keep that bond.” So on…. I’ve been through alot of loss starting at a young age. This feels like I’m grieving the loss of a living person. We do so much together and the little daily things I’m going to miss so much. The thought he won’t be sleeping in his bed anymore and all the other small things is killing me. For anyone that’s judging me, please don’t. I’ve tried not to rely on my kids for my happiness and not be over protective. I think I’ve done ok. It has nothing to do with his fiancé, I like her. I think we’ve all(us 4) have depended on each other. My husband and don’t have big families. I only have 1 siblings living. Not that it’s pertinent knowing that. I’ve been waking up paniky knowing it’s the lasts of all the little things we share at home. I know I’ll always be his mom, but I just don’t feel like I’m done being his mom at our house. I’m sure it would be hard if it were 5 years ahead but I might have at that point felt like we all got to enjoy having him here longer in to his 20’s. I also know it sounds like I’m making it all about me and how I feel. I am happy for him and he knows it, but he to is having a hard time with the change coming. Anyway, that all being said is there anyone out there that has has as hard of a time as me, and will actually admit it. I sure hope so for the sake of getting support and not feeling like I’m gonna lose it.

Christi

I feel you, and it’s nice to know I’m not the only one feeling these feelings. My situation isn’t the same as yours but my feelings are. My daughter is in her teenage years and I’m already mourning the loss of her childhood and her not needing me like she once did. I’m already trying to mentally prepare for her leaving and going to college. Right or wrong she is my best friend, my whole world. We have always done everything together and been so close but now she’s not needing me as much, I’m not seeing her as much and I feel like I have no purpose left and feel so alone.

Angela

Christi, how can we help each other? That lonely feeling for your child is excruciatingly painful. Where do you live? Is she your only child? My daughter is my best friend as well. I’m so glad she’s still here but for a hard as it is my son leaving, when it’s her turn I might literally have a breakdown. I know some people don’t understand these deep bonded relationships and that’s ok, but for those of us that do get it and are hurting, we need to help each other through. If love to talk more with you. I’m actually replying to you the night before his wedding day 😢🤗

Denise

I have a 28 year old daughter. She is my only child. My relationship is very close. We text almost every day. She’s married now and her hubby don’t really like that. Maybe because he’s jealous, I don’t know. They just had a boy so my first grandson. Our problem is, she is happy to spend several weekends in a row at his parents home one hour away. I helped with baby first week they came home from hospital. So they think Ive had enough of him and it’s thier turn. However, days and weeks are going by and I haven’t seen him this breaks my heart. His parents get days and hours of him since thier one hour away from them. I get time limites because I’m 30 minutes away and I have to go to thier home not mine. She said it’s easier if I come over yet they go to his parents in tht country. Long story short, I’ve been trying to see him and I can’t because they’re plans have been involving his parents. So I brought it to her attention that I was hurt that I haven’t seen him lately. She disagreed with my thoughts and now set so called boundaries on me. She said I was overreacting and I was causing drama. I don’t feel that way at all. I just wanted to communicate that I am hurting because I haven’t seen my grandson for days. We had several texts back and forth and her conclusion was, im not listening to her and I need to step back. I cried for days and so I told her, I was going to disconnect from her but in a healthy way because I am tired of being second to her in laws and I need to not hurt so much. My heart aches over this and it feeling like a death happened but she’s still here. I feel like I am in a bad dream. I need alot of moral support to get through this.

Kate

I’m so sorry for you ..

Chicha

I had near same experience. Just throwing something out there. You say your son-n-law a little jealous of you and your daughters relationship…? Even if other feeling, he probably is distancing on purpose.
It doesn’t,matter how much you do or are there for them, it’s like it’s a given or expected.
He probably wants your daughter and grandson to be closer to his family.
Sometimes there are people who have to control.
Or considers everyone else outsiders even if family.
I know this has got to hurt.
Please don’t beg them or bring up again.
Just be there when you can for grandson. Take every moment you can and always tell him how much you love him. LOVE CONQUERS ALL.
YOUR daughter is not seeing whole picture. She loves her husband, doesn’t want friction in home and is probably listening to what he says.
Even if she is going along with it….it’s cant be setting right with her. Back off….enough to show him you are not competing with him or his family.
I went through the same thing. But it was my daughter that distanced her husband from me.
And done everything for and with his mother.
We were very close when they grew up.
It didn’t start till she married. Her husband would be very mannerly, and talk and seemed like he liked me.
My daughter was the one that changed.
But was same thing. Once I backed off. Acted as though I was okay with whatever. Never questioned or complained.
Always let them call me. Never ask questions, where are yall going, doing etc..,
No interest. Let it go.
If they start coming around more or you get grandson more…..don’t lose your mind. Be calm. Yes, thts fine.
Then when alone with him…put on IT MAKES ME WANT A SHOUT!!! CLAP YOUR HANDS AND SHOUT SONG!!!
ENJOY EVERY MOMENT.
AND CALMLY RETURN HIM. BYE!! YALL BE SAFE HOME.. AND RELISH IN PICTURES OR VIDEOS YOU TOOK OF YOUR TIME.
IF HE SEES YOU (the husband) all teary eyed and excited when they pick him up….now he will crush again.
A lot of narcissist out there. Your daughter will see this side of him and in years to come, realize how she treated you. And feel heartbroken.
She can’t see it now. Don’t take personal. She is still in there.
Be patient. Volunteer work. Walk dogs at shelter. Join a women’s group that walks the park. Pick up a fun job.
Stay busy. And know, everyone is OK that you love.
Safe, healthy etc….thts most important.
Stay strong

Kate

I wish I could find someone like all of you .. I have never felt depressed before and I’m not sure what I’m feeling now but I do feel like I lost a son rather than gaining a daughter-in-law.. it’s weird

Sabrina

Don’t I feel you. My one and only is 19. Just dropped her off at Disney world to work the college program. I was fine. Now that I’m leaving the state back to Texas, I feel like I have no purpose. She was my reason for being. I’m 40, had her at 20, so all I’ve really known is having her. I hope things have gotten better for you. I just don’t know what to do with myself when I return.

Ingrid

Oh you will find purpose! My 18yo son also just left home. You have your whole life ahead of you! I feel excited for you actually – only 40 and you are free from parenting responsibilities. You could always have another baby. 🤔🤣 I’m 60.

Diane

I have just read these posts – Mom’s you need to start by giving your heads a shake. If you are really feeling this lost & desperate over kids – moving on, you need help. Your kids ARE NOT responsibly for your inner peace & happiness. Maybe high time you all discovered your own purpose, time you all grow up. You sound like grown up children.
Sorry, but as a good mom, alienated from my son, now 24 for the past 10 years, by my narcissistic ex & his team of flying monkeys (family), I read your comments &….I WISH I HAD MY SON GETTING MARTIES GOING TO COLLEGE, OR TAKING A JOB FAR AWAY….
Be grateful please, your kids are merely living their lives. The best thing you can do is – live yours! Let them see that you are a happy & successful mom – that your happiness is not dependent on them – or anyone else.

Angie Jolliff

You are being a bit harsh coming down on moms. It is normal Togo through a grieving process when a big change happens in our lives. Everyone has a different personality and situation they are living. We come here to find common ground and help to move on. Some move on quicker. I wonder why your son is alienated from you…

Christine parvin

I have felt like this gif a while as I hav a narcissistic husband who cannot give empathy just days you gotta let them go. His mother is the same said it yo me when she was a baby too. The reason why we feel
Like this is because loving our children is unconditional love and we get that when they are little Then they grow up don’t need us do much anymore become independent. Sone children understand how you fetl some don’t. Emotional intelligence does nig kick in till the age of 25 and in boys maybe longer. That gif wrenching feeling you are getting us normal emotion. You will feel better if you exercise to help with that emotion hi dancing and have fun. If you can hi and visit other places and your mind will adjust that there is more to life and think about rather than focusing on the adult child. I know how it feels as give years into them nig bring here. I know have endocrine cancer and don’t get tgd love and care I need to help me through it. I have felt anti drotessantd helps with anxiiety too x pleaee see don’t suffer with the snxiety go to doctors they can help too. Here if you need to chatx talking really helps if you speak to people going through it as well. You are not alone it does get a bit better xx

Juliana

She said it was because of her “narcissistic husband and his family of flying monkeys”. Hmm… I guess she was busy “living her life” and allowed these people to get between her and her son. That’s sad. This woman is a hurt individual and decided to come here and attack us loving moms with good relationships with our children simply going through the grieving process this time comes with. SMH

Patty

Yes, I agree. I can feel their sadness but I too have an adult daughter who’s married to a narcissist. I have not seen or heard from her or my grandchildren in 6 years. She ended relationships and communication with her side of family. Says horrible things about me. It was quite a process and finally counseling and time but I am in a better place. Taking care of me and enjoying the wonderful son, friends and family that love me, know me and want to be in my life. I feel sad for my grandchildren I have never met. Hoping they do not feel they are not loved or wanted by us.

Debra

Hi Patty, I have a son who’s married to a narcissist she has manipulated and completely controlled him I haven’t seen him for almost 6 years don’t know my grandsons. It almost broke me. I’ve had counselling a few times and finally feel more peaceful with myself. I try and concentrate on the good family I have around me.I live in hope that he will turn up one day.

Georgia

You are so right and I admire you. Please help me get where you are for the sake of my daughter. I’m pushing her farther away by trying to be in her life constantly!

Mary

God I needed to read this ! You are amazingly strong ! Any hints, suggestions, anything ….. I’m tired of feeling like I’m the arsehole with all the problems !

Lynn

I agree, Mom you deserve a life of Your own. You have done your job and given your children enough of your time and love. Now let them go find it somewhere else. If your adult children want to live their lives let them. They are not children and so you are not obligated to help, advise, nurture, be ATMs, babysitters and share in their drama. You decide when you want to be bother with the grandkids, how, and where. Do not let adult children through you to the side, treat you like I can take you or leave you etc….Life is hard you have been through what they have yet to go through. Pray and wish them well. Love them at a distant. When you love and respect someone you don’t just toss them aside you include them in your life. But young adults’ children don’t want to don’t push. It is not easy I know but love yourself enough and protect your heart and feelings. Don’t let anyone walk over you or treat you any type of way not even your children.

Georgia

My heart breaks for you. Why do we love them so much? I know other moms who would never feel like us. I envy them..I wish I could be detached.

Virjinia

Hi angela! I feel you.

Janetpretty66@gmail.com

Hi,i’m feeling just like you.
I’v also had loss of loved one’s over and over.
I’m very caring loving protective and sensitive to feelings.
I have five adult children, one daughter, who has always lived with me.
Also my 17yr old grandaughter.
Cple yrs ago we lost my 2nd eldest son tragically. You can imagine how broken i was.
But carried my grief best i could, and still am.
My daughter closed off from us all, even though still with me, grew cold.Grandaughter who is growing fast, with the awkward sullen attitude, made things difficult.
Fast forward to present. A few heartfelt arguments,with daughter being nasty to me, and my eldest son. He said she’s selfish and ungrateful. She now want’s to move, but can’t find a place, i’m in bits.Crying anxiety panic nausea ect.Really do not want her to leave, feel angry also,as i have no one.No family or friends.I’m aware this transition has to take place, but it’s feeling like a death again. We were so so close. I feel devastated.we are on eggshells around eachother, like strangers!

Smom

Hi Angela,
What your feeling is recognized. I get it. But I want to tenderly relay some thoughts that may help. Please know I went through this. In hindsight, from the glory of birth we as Moms/Dads make it our life work to raise them to be independent adults. Think of that for a moment. We revel in all of it- and are proud of them and ourselves. So when they are (and it’s their right) ready to face their future we want to be on that path- however that’s where we need to press the stop button. Give them the freedom they need. No matter what choices they are making. At this point, they should be able to learn their lessons. Does that make sense ? In order to repair the mistakes I made – I had to have a sit down honest conversation- and admit that I didn’t know what to do or that I wasn’t as good as I should have been with communication of my feelings. I wished I had done this before it snowballed into a non constructive battle. Remember this please- every parent is going to something wrong 😑 and “screw” up their kids in some small way! It’s human nature. Also every child has 1 heartache with mom or dads name on it. These are words from my wonderful therapist! Hope this helps xo

TMS

Your son’s relationship with you will change — girlfriend, fiance, wife, father. It is inevitable. He will put you at an arm’s length as his wife, their friends and eventually their children will be his primary circle. I had a tremendous relationship with my son growing up, every opportunity and sheer joy — when he met his now wife, that changed with her perspective and their growing bond. There were times when he felt judged by me – I think the world of him; smart, talented, capable, handsome. Apparently my enthusiasm for his abilities pressured him and “I never felt good enough.” Go figure. I never pressed him to be a Nobel prize winner or a pro ball player – just the best at whatever he attempted and he has succeeded in his life. Like so well, he was earning good money interning while in his junior year of college. HE is the smart one, HE is the one who pursued more (yes, with my backing), yet I am left being the, what? Aggressive mom? Is loving him and wanting to share in his life aggressive??? He now lives with his wife and two kids, we visit and it is like we are intruding on his life. He and his wife are watching TikToks while I play/feed the small kids. I like being with the kids and ?helping them out?? They live an airline flight away so we only see them 4 times a year for maybe a 4 day weekend. They take the kids to daycare during the week even if we visit – “gotta’ keep their routine.” Okay, sure. It breaks my heart, I love my son like no other. I really feel the distance in our bond; it is not new, better or a new chapter to me. It feels like a loss. Someone said mourning a living person/relationship – too true! My husband says it is my issue – my feelings, my perception, my expectations — my problem. He says “they are grown ups with their own priorities, their own way of doing things; their own way of being. You got him to adulthood and now it is his to do with as he will. He is not going to be grateful to you everday for who he is or what he has.” Nope, even though we still help him out whenever needed, it is what it is …. take it or leave it, but it will not be your version of the relationship with an adult son you hold in your head/heart. It will be his and it makes me sad every time. I have such happiness in my heart before boarding the plane there and such disappointment in my heart when heading home. I know I have to curb my expectations and take what I can get. My son is 30 and I don’t have hope it will change much in the upcoming years. I know they are busy with 2 kids under 3 (their plan) and I too do not want this to sound like it is a “poor me” thing, but all I ask for is some time with him. You are not alone Angela. All I can recommend is keeping it real – change is coming. Lower your expectations so you are not heartbroken and crying, but be prepared to find where you now fit into his adult life. All the best to you.

Carol

At least you have got your husband. Imagine being divorced or widowed going through this. I had a very close bond with my son and daughters.when they were all young. As soon as my son got a girlfriend..now his wife. I was not needed. They spend all their time at her parents. .I’m on my own and don’t have the big family home anymore. I’ve passed pleading to see my little granddaughter. I’m just fobbed off. They are all too busy for me. I’m heartbroken inside and will be glad when I’m gone

Kimberly

I feel for you Carol. I have 3 children and have been raising them on my own since they were 12,7 & 2 years old as my husband of 17 years found a younger ,non religious person to be with. So it has been me and me alone with only minimal financial child support given . I have given my children my heart, and soul and so much more. They are now 27, 23 and 18 years old. I am being criticized and told regularly now by my 23 year old son how much of a terrible parent I am and how much he hates me. Help! It is not how I felt the rest of my life should be . I am 56 years old and beyond mentally and physically exhausted . Carol you are not alone!

Lilien

I am a single mum of a23 year old son who always used to blame me for everything that went wrong in his life especially when he was a teenager. I thought there was something wrong with me till my best friends daughter started blaming her for everything that went wrong in her life.I realized then it’s the parent who stays who gets the brunt of it while the one who leaves and does nothing for the child is idealised in the child’s head.Our solution was to allow them time with their deadbeat dads and they both returned to us very appreciative of our roles.They blame you for everything because you are the one available and present in their lives,it almost comes with the territory but if you can try our method it may work for you, if not wait till they have their own children,you will see they will be like oh my you were really trying but its a long time to get to that point

Dawn

I hear that

Kat

Omg this is how my 19 year old is with me now it breaks my heart

Leah

I feel and hear ALL of your pain and heartaches! Going through the same thing! It’s bittersweet reading all of your post! Thank you for sharing! It would be so cool to start a group called “empty nesters need Love too” where we can come together and support one another through our heartaches because in my heart I feel that’s all we need in life is to feel that we are not alone and that we are not crazy for feeling the way we do!
Thank you ladies for sharing and opening up on here!
Have a Blessed day…remember you can do anything you want to do and no one can stop or stand in your way but yourself in order to enjoy this abundant life that we have been given! 💜💜

Lois

I’m with you Leah about having a group. I’m new here. You can read my story above where I responded to Angela.

Sarah

I am new too. Have been going through similar issues, heartbreaking. Lots of self blame thinking I did something wrong. I am a good caring person and need to hold onto that. Reading the pain you are all going through …its so sad that children when they grow up have no or little care towards those who raised them. Obviously they need to live their own lives, follow their dreams and we as parents should not get in the way. But I still think so long as we are alive adult children should make an effort once in a while. Love to all of you and find something good to have or do however small . Treating myself to fresh flowers when I go grocery shopping and making them last as long as possible, is my latest, at the moment. 🙂 💐 🌹 🌸

Cathy

I feel you 1/3 kid is blocking, blaming us parents. Bailed her out of troubled school yr and beyond and now we tow it we go. Sad.

Rebecca Smith

Your 23 year old son needs to move on and out. You chose to have children. Don’t blame them for the way your life turned out. That will just alienate them. Go someplace that you can be around adults. Learn to be an independent adult, not a full time parent. Your parenting days are about over, at least the majority of it and you seem concerned that you feel like life is over. Nope. Now it’s your turn. Don’t answer the phone every time they call. Don’t say yes to anything, ANYTHING, that makes you feel used. Don’t offer advice, even when they ask. Just tell they you believe in them. Then move on. Find something else to dwell on. I’m going through the same thing. The more I spend time going forward the less time I have to feel sorry for myself. Your kids owe you absolutely nothing. But only you can decide, moving forward, what you owe them and what but don’t owe them is your happiness. They will never be able to be that for you. I’m very afraid to call someone up and invite them to do something but I committed to call a friend and ask them to take a two hour class on making a Thanksgiving centerpiece. I was sweating bullets. Guess what??? She was thrilled that I called. She’s trying to move forward too. Be that person.
The one that is so busy with your life you have to say no to your kids. That’s when you know you are on your way.

Jill

I feel the exact same way. I have 2 sons’ who dont talk to me right now. They just ignore my calls or texts. Im done. I will wait for them to contact me. Might b too late than. I might die of a broken heart and they dont need me anymore. Wish i would just die in my sleep. Im so sad and have no purpose anymore. Im sad and mad and dont even really care to talk to them anymore. They r the reason dor my sadness and dispair.:(

Misty

I am so very sorry!!!!

susan

And you have Jill I’m sorry that you are going through this so am I and it hurts so bad I cry every single day I pray that things get better for you God bless

Dawn

@Jill: I hear you. We have much in common. I understand how disheartening it is. Please hear me when I say your life is not over. I say it for you as well as myself. Ty

Rebecca Smith

Get help now. You are the reason for your unhappiness. It might be medical, environmental or emotional but you need help now. Your kids were not born to make your life full. They are a very temporary piece of a full life. I too lived for my kids. BIG mistake. Live your life. Let your kids be a part of it in a way that suites you. I can guarantee they feel the burden of your unhappiness and that is a horrible burden to make them carry. You will not change this until you get on your feet and make a life for yourself. Please, call a hotline if you must but get help.

Jean

I’m 74 yrs old. My daughter is hot and cold. Sometimes cold for years. I think she is a narcissist and only wants me when she needs financial help. Last May she invited me to go out of state with her for her sons military graduation and I thought we had a nice time although she was a bit cold at times. Since then I have been ghosted and she will not tell me why except that I should know and I have never been a good mom. I have saved her many cards filled with handwritten praises to me but then she turns cold. I never am told why. Now that she has her masters degree and a better salary I am not needed. So I am learning to let it go. When I think about her I say a fervent prayer that she will be healthy and happy. I thought about what have I always wanted to do and couldnt. I decided about 18 mo ago to take piano lessons. I love it. Everynight before going to bed I play relaxing music in my beginner level book. I am thinking about learning to do water color painting next.I swim 5 or 6 days a week for an hour. I go to the center and play games with other seniors. Because of her I cannot come to family gatherings with her 4 sons and my great granddaughter. I am able to be in touch with 3 of them and have ocassional dinner with them. I think she has some mental disorder because healthy people dont treat their moms like this. She ghosted her dad a long time ago. I guess Im saying spend your time doing things you like that are healthy for you. Volunteer and do service too. I didnt cause it, I cant control it, I cant cure it.

LoriAnn

Please dot give up. I have and am going thru same/similar/worse….I am amazingly still here. U have 2 be honest about it all feel all of it take your part…then let yourself let it go….that’s not saying you will forget it and it won’t hurt….but you CAN learn to live again. If U can Learn Anything from it it is U Can Survive. It is damn hard but damn worth it. Don’t give space to anything or anyone that isn’t working on caring and growing….That includes U! UR so brave and taking the right steps just being here and sharing your truth! Find Your Tribe….and maybe a Therapist…

Dawn

Thank you LoriAnn <3

susan

Carol I’m going through the exact same thing you are. I have grandchildren I don’t even know which is very very sad for me. I have always been there for my children but they have not always been there for me. I feel pretty much completely alone in this world with all my immediate family passed away other than my kids I do know now that you can’t make anyone love you and want to spend time with you and include you in their lives I’ll be 66 in April I never imagined that I would be this alone at this age I figured maybe 80 but not 65 I do pray a lot and ask God for guidance and strength and I pray that you will get through this too much love and God bless

Barbara

I am currently going thru same. I am 62 and raise all my grandkids with my youngest adult daughter. Now she moved out with the grandkids and its so heartbreaking for me. From cooking, shopping, cleaning, playing, etc for over 14yrs to now nothing. I have my oldest daughter with my other grandkids but i didn’t have to raise them. Its so much harder when you raise them and they leave. I truly don’t know how im going to survive all these emotions!!!

Dawn

Sending you love and good energy, Susan. I never forsaw this either. It feels wrong. Like I’m caught in some alternate reality that just shouldn’t be real. How can my son and grandkids just be completely gone, impossible for me to love and care for in even small ways. Hang in there. Thinking of you.

Jean

I can relate to all of you! My husband and I have 5 children. His boys are the oldest and then I have two boys and 1 girl. None of the kids ever call us I have to call them. My oldest son lives inCalifornia and when he first got married we would fly out every three or four months to see them. Now that they have my granddaughter who is now 11 years old, my son said that I should maybe only come out once or twice a year because they are so extremely busy. He said he feels pressured to keep me entertained. I never ever asked him to entertain me. I told I am just happy being with them. My other son lives in Madison which is two hours away and they two are too busy and I really only get to see them 3 times a year. My daughter is close by and her and her husband we see more often, but only when we go to their house. My husband who is 78, has been recently diagnosed with dementia and his two sons are showing very little concern. I have tried often to invite his sons over to come and visit but they too are too busy for their dad. I talked to my doctor about my husband’s diagnosis and he said the best thing for me to do is to prepare for the time his symptoms get worse. I am pretty worried how things will go. Like you Susan, my family is all gone and I thank God that my husband has three brothers that I know will help but they are close in age to my husband. I am extremely lonely and very scared! I know and trust that God is with me through all this!😢

Lucy

I am 66 and can relate to everything you mentioned. I am alone now. All immediate family are gone. One Aunt left. I come from big Italian family. They were always at my home. I have friends. It’s just not the same. I have 2 children boy abd girl 32 and 35. Son moved out at 28. My daughter os back living with me ironically when he moved out with girlfriend. I am happy he found someone abd now getting married next year. But in 4 years they have come to my home visiting only probably 8 times maybe 10. They are only 15 minutes away. They pass my house to go visit his father every Friday who was not a big part of their life growing up since he was 4 years old. And daughter was 7. My daughter sees it. She rarely goes there. I am the one who did everything for them. There fir them 24 /7. We always got along. A very giving mother. He goes everywhere with her parents and never includes me. I am one person and they know I have no other family. My kids were inclusive of everything I did. So not understanding it. Even my friends will comment when his fiance posts photos of hanging out with tje family as to why I am never captured in the photos. Because I was not invited or a part of it. Thats why. My friends husband’s Even have said. “Not for nothing but you were always there there fur your kids, never missed basketball games etc. Team mom and never seen hospital dad at any of them”! Well that’s what it is. It is what it is , hurtful disappointing but I have to learn to accept and I will even3tually. But i happen to come across this site. I am glad I did. I am learning to let go. I am a survivor and fighter. I still work as a nurse in the hospital although retired. I try to always stay positive and manifest best possible outcome. Some times it’s difficult but I keep on plugging along. It will all work out in the end . We need to live our best lives with or without them. I try hard not being the budinsky and judgemental mom. We will get through it. Thank you for letting me share my thoughts.

Lucy

I am so sorry for misspellings in my above reply. But when I went edit it. I made the corrections but it would not let me save corrections.
Saying I was posting replies to fast. I am reposting with corrections.

. I am 66 and can relate to everything you mentioned. I am alone now. All immediate family are gone but two Aunts . I come from a large Italian family. They were always at my home. I have friends. But It’s just not the same. I have 2 children boy 32 years old and girl 35 years old. My Son moved out at 28 years old to move-in with his girlfriend who is now his fiancé. My daughter is back living with me ironically when my son moved out. I am happy he has found someone and they will be getting married next year. The issue is: well at least for me that in 4 years they have come to my home visiting only probably 8 times maybe 10. They are only 15 minutes away. They pass my house to go visit his father every Friday who was not a big part of my children’s life growing up since he was 4 years old. And daughter was 7. My daughter sees it but of course still loves her dad but She rarely goes there. They never stop in to see me. I am the one who did everything for them, I raised them as single parent.. I was a dedicated parent There for them 24 /7. We always got along. I am A very giving mother. My son goes everywhere with his fiance parents and they never think to include me. I am one person and they know I have no other family. My kids were inclusive of everything I did. So I am not understanding this. Even my friends will comment when his fiance posts photos of “just hanging out with the family” as to why I am never captured in the photos? . Because I was not invited or a part of it. Thats why! . My friends husband’s Even have said. “Not for nothing but you were always there there for your kids, never missed basketball games etc. Team mom and never seen their dad at any of them”! Well that’s what it is. It is what it is , hurtful disappointing but I have to learn to accept and I will eventually come to terms with it. I happen to come across this site, and so happy that I did, knowing I am not alone feeling this way. I am learning to let go. I am a survivor and fighter. I still work as a nurse in the hospital although I am retired as of ths year. I try to always stay positive and manifest best possible outcomes. Some times it’s difficult to stay positive, but I keep on plugging along. It will all work out in the end . We need to live our best lives with or without them. I try hard not being the budinsky and judgemental mom. We will get through it. Thank you for letting me share my thoughts.

Violet

I am also a sad mom. Married to a narcissistic husband had made my family life very stressful for years. Despite that I tried to give it all to my children. I did everything they asked for and always supported them financially and emotionally even though I was making very little with my part time job. All these years being selfless for my children only to be treated as if I am a nuisance. I even let them use my car to commute to help them save money. They are driving my car for free. Live in the house for free. They said I am being too demanding and self centered for asking them to contribute to pay for part of the car maintenance fee. I am paying for most of it. Both of my adult children have a full time job. They never once pay for car insurance. I am old and my part time job barely make ends meet. I feel very hurt by how they treat me and have no consideration of my financial situation. I am heart broken and fed up with their selfish behavior. I am considering not having them in my life and accept that I may die alone and broke.😥

Janet

How sad this is, and yes, ofcourse they move on at some point.But to push a kind loving parent to one side , is selfish.
That’s what is hurting you.
I totally get your feelings.i’m also a divorced mum.😑

Dawn

We will not be glad when you are gone, Carol. Please stick around.

Dr Anila koul

Hi Carol, Same here. After the kid is married, his wife pulls him more towards her parents family at the cost of time expected to be shared with a Mom who is just single by unfortunate circumstances of life. The daughter in law has nothing to do how you feel and won’t let her husband to get involved into her mother’s happiness or grief. You are left alone. Best is to get detached and love yourself more towards your health and sharing with some understanding friends. The unhappiness stays with no relief. Sometimes one wishes to end life but that’s not all good in God’s eye. How painful is it to go through such painful loneliness.

Sandy

Girl. Oh Girl first off God Bless ya for texting all that. I hate texting but I feel when I do I go overboard, do thanks for sharing.and yes I feel ya, especially on the things others say, hey you should be happy for him, .. etc. STOKE knows it’s me being happy for him in10 folds man….for real. Alot has gone down thro these years, and I almost feel I’m lying or something if I don’t text all of it for justification and validations. Family members agh. I was always a black sheep. And no I didn’t label my own self either, but is funny cause when I accepted that , and said it in agreement at various times in my life , then , then I was labeled as trying to be something I’m nit or some crap . You will have people sayen and thinking they know you better than yourself…. NOT. at least you know, at least I know if I gotta get something off my plate or whatever people are calling it now, I can call up my 1 and only SON, SAILOR, hell…. MY EVERYTHING. THAT MY DEAR FRIEND WILL NEVER EVER EVER GO AWAY. NO MATTER WHAT ANYBODY OR ANYTHING SAYS. whether it’s an in law , an outlaw, or the law. That’s it…. later

Heidi

Hi hurting mum I feel your sadness and pain from the heart .I agree I think your gieveing as I lost two of my sisters in the last 3 years and it’s feels as painful as this . When u love someone and u lose that love and it’s real and we’re lucky to have that in our life’s but it’s hard to find it somewhere else or replace that love as that’s what life is all about love and live. I feel lost my son is moving out in a few weeks and dosent want to live with me anymore and wants to move in with he’s girlfriend and start he’s life and I want him to be happy and enjoy he’s life I’ve always taught him to be independent and he’s showing me he can be now . My feelings are what next ? Feel lost my wife has her two children still in the house and their older ie 14, 17 this year and things have changed and I have to wait a few more years till they move out and we get time together . I just feel crushed and sad . 😔 tomorrow is another day , I hope u can find happiness again from one mum to another

Pam

Hello Angela, it’s been some months now. How are you doing?

Christina

I was having a hard time putting my feelings into words. Your post said what I was trying to figure out. I too am mourning a person that is alive. My son who is 23 just moved out with a girlfriend whom I only met once. They only have been dating 4 months. We too had a happy family of four. I knew that he would move out at some point, but I did not think like this. I want to get to know his girlfriend, she seems like a intelligent person with high goals, but she also seems controlling. She wants my son there at her home, and that’s where he’s been. I think about trying to set up a dinner date, she has a special diet due to sealiac issues, which makes it tricky. But honestly I don’t want her here. I know I could try harder. It seems like neither one of them care to get her to know his side of the family. I keep his door shut in his room so the pets do not make it theirs with fur, but when I go into the room it feels like a empty museum. His bed is still there, pictures still there, but he is gone. I texted him the other day that I missed him. Heard Nothing back. I cried all day yesterday. I just want to tell him to get his butt back home! We were always close. I am wondering if things are getting easier for you?

Julie

I know exactly how you feel! Hi I’m Jules. You’re not making it about you, you’re expressing how you feel and that’s ok. When or children grow up and go out into the big wide world its only natural to think they’ll come back to tell you of their day and their lives. It’s ok to want to hear from them and spend some time with them. We’ve been there every step of the way with them into adulthood so it makes sense to want that connection to exist. We’re not just parents are human beings who have emotions and feelings and they matter. It hurts to feel were being taken for granted and not thought of. It really does. You’re not alone though. Let them fly and make plans for you in the meantime x

sherry

your gonna be fine your gonna adapt to it trust me I wasnt ready to let go of mine when he moved out at 18 he has stood strong and has supported himself and his girl and now 2 kids never asks me for anything I thought I was going to just die when he left my only child no one prepared me for this but it actually works out and you are gonna be ok with him not there see him as much as possible in the beginning it helps but at some point if he moves back your gonna be just as lost cause it’s what you get use to you gonna be ok that’s our job to raise them to be able to provide for themselves you done your job

sherry

and remember they always gonna need you they dont want to show it but they do before mine moved out l let his girlfriend the mother of his kids now stay here briefly and he got sick one night and they was in his room and he was like go get my mom I was in my room and she was like are you serious hes like go get my mom she knows what to do she did we laughed about that for years hang in there

Dawn

<3 <3 <3

Janet

Hi, i feel just like you.And yhink your feelings are totally natural.
I’m a divorced mum of five adult children.
One daughter four sons.
She has been wanting to move for a few years.She has always lived here with me..
But started pulling away, we always have been so so close.
But she started being disrespectful and taking liberties.
I think it was a way of breaking away.She also has 17yr old daughter.My grand daughter.
Bottom line is, i’v been in pieces I have never lived alone, So hurting badly with the breakdown of our closeness,..I have also just lost one of my sons.grief for us all ,been so strange and unreal.
I’m a very sad lonely confused mum….

Lois

Hi Angela, you wrote this so long ago I don’t know if you will still respond to someone new. I just found this sight after my son telling me tonight that I need to look for some self help book of learning to let him go. I totally understand what you feel and you’re not crazy. My story is that it’s been just my son and I for 30 years. He just got married 4 years ago. We are so close we bought the last 2 houses together and the one we live now we all 3 bought. We talked tonight about the fact that we never got to separate and him go off on his own. His wife is from Vietnam and I have grown to love her but, I still need him and he said he loves me but, he doesn’t need me like before, he’s married. I know this but, it’s just really hard. That’s why I’m reaching out to see if there’s others like me. I had health issues and went on disability and my son said he’d never leave me. We got a big house and I have a suite, and we let her parents move in also and have the upstairs. It can get complicated sometimes. He told me I’m lucky I get to see him everyday and I guess that’s true. He’s a wonderful son, it’s just hard to change. I need to find something more for my own life I guess. I hope I hear back from you.

Christi A.

I want such peace for you…I can honestly feel my heart aching for you completely. I never post to these types of things; I never really feel I have much to add, anyway. So, I don’t know what compelled me to post this.. maybe some divine intervention or something like that.
I truly feel for you. And, I can also relate. My daughter is moving out and I…just minutes ago.. purchased her airline ticket to leave. It feels similar to a really sad breakup with a person who i was with for nearly a decade. .. but, worse. Much worse. Its hard to imagine lifting my chest for the next breath to follow the previous. I’m inundated with the reminder she is leaving throughout the day, and it instantly causes my stomach to drop as if I’d swallowed a bowling ball. Which, soon after, has me shaking and the dreaded (inevitable) tears always follow. I have always been close to my kids, like the nauseating mom kind of close. I honestly have made nearly every big decision in our lives, for their benefit; Everything considers them and their needs. Over the years, I am notorious for reading every single book I can get my hands on regarding child-rearing. There is no exaggeration when I tell you that its every book I can hold. The genres ranged from infant development, homemade baby food, self soothing, and playdate success, to elementary-aged school success, building self confidence, social skills, and study practices. Then, later on it evolved into books featuring the survival of the teenage years,, life planning, home economics, and finance management. I also homeschooled them from 4th grade, on. We moved from a small town to a big city…that’s a bit less… favorable in comparison. Oh, who am I kidding, we moved to a place way, way, way more unfavorable. I was not comfortable with the regular things that the children of comparable ages were engaging in, so I had to make a call and it was to transition to homeschooling. I had been room mom, and teachers assistant every year in their school before, so it was an easy transition for everyone involved. (Except the school, who missed our participation.)
I say all of that, because I was hoping to help in you understanding when I say every decision was made considering these kids, I truly mean what I say. I promised myself when I had kids that I would do my very best at it, and I believe I have met that promise to this day. Even on days I’d reflect and realize my errors, at any point there wasn’t a long, long time spent pondering and ultimately always ended with me agreeing to make a better choice next time, and how to apply that change to my parenting overall. At the very least, I would consider every available option to better my relationship with my kids. So, if I messed up, I thought about it-and thoroughly, as well.

This somehow feels different and this is the first time I’ve believed that someone else could truly relate to the attachment bond I am mourning the inevitable loss of. I realize its wasting precious time I could be spending doing more hypothetically productive tasks, but this is just me being stuck on the breakup-like feeling in my chest. Like, did I actually think I could keep this precious child (adult) here forever? Um, realistically…no. But quite obviously a part of me did, otherwise I wouldn’t be mourning this way. Of course, my kid is not leaving on the greatest terms, either. Completely by accident, I stumbled on a conversation she was having with a group of online gaming friends where she rather convincingly portrayed herself the victim of my “running of the household.” I was shocked because they actually were seemingly believing her fabricated lifestyle. I have her doing chores supposedly daily from sunrise to nearly midnight, oh that is..except for all the days and times she is available online to play games with…which is every day and night pretty much around the clock. And, apparently, I starve her…except thank goodness for the regular snack times her and her group all take simultaneously throughout their gameplay…where upon prompt return to their screens they all proudly display their gatherings and share vicariously amongst one another. And, I pull her hair allegedly regularly…which is awfully contradictive to the known fact that I was a master color & hairstylist for years, interning with one of the most intricate cutting artists of our time where I was trained down to my dna to pay homage and adore every strand of hair, so much so I couldn’t shake the teachings instilled in me if my life depended on it. This doesn’t sound much like a person who would pull hair, at least not to me it doesn’t. And, that I stopped her from continuing to exercise her artistic abilities, despite the fact she’s got more art supplies than can fit comfortably in her room. The closet is literally straining at the seams to contain the shear amount of art supplies she currently possesses. This seems like an obvious pattern of lies to me, but her friends seem to absolutely buy into it as if they were fish on a line. Further reading revealed that further back she had a few people who were claiming to be abused by their parents, each would regularly burst into the chat room with one crisis after another only to be (in non-crisis fashion) calmed down with just a few words of encouragement from the other chat room attendees. Things like, suggesting that the crisis individual maybe go make a sandwich or take a few minutes to breathe were all the suggestions needed to bring an eerie behavior of instant calm to them. I am not saying that they were not in crisis…just pointing out it was a strange pattern of behaviors as a whole. So, in referencing these past crisis moments, I clearly saw what I believe to be where my daughter learned this odd behavior. Because, related.to each past friend- crisis situation, lie a completely identical claim on my daughters allegedly crisis situations. As in, they were almost word for word identical claims. To claim Plaudurusm would be an understatement here. It was plain to see where she had help inventing this stream of stories and how to utilize them to gain her sympathy from the group. I haven’t told her I know this information, however. And I probably won’t. Bur, when she leaves the plan is to go live with a friend out of state for awhile. And, I am aware these parents think I am just awful. And they’re so totally wrong but I am believed to be this horrific mother and that is terribly painful to me. Its like walking into a room where you know you’re being gossips about horribly, beyond any possibility of even stating your truth without being mocked and rejected. The things I know the friends have relayed their parents say about me is obvious to me their minds are just plain decided, not to be convinced otherwise regardless of the truth. So, my daughter is telling me she’s going to visit a friend for a few months and telling the other parents she’s fleeing to escape me.Although, her flight date has changed several times due to several conflicts between schedules, and airline changes made without any relation to her actions at all. However, she relays her upcoming travel plan changes in a bubbly tone each time.. quite obviously barely containing her excitement…and seems to pay no mind to the delayed departure at all. Right, the departure that is being made out of complete desperation and barely with her life intact. Mind you, she has money of her own, an i.d. and two legs that quite regularly help her race up and down the stairs during snack times while online…seems to me if she were truly in crisis, she could just leave by way of walking out the front door. But, I guess in my mind I usually devise my plans of escape to be as simple as possible. When I’m planning escapes, that is. You know, like while watching an intense movie on Netflix or something similar where I imagine how I would escape such a terrifying scene as is being shown on the television. That’s
about the scope of my involvement with planning my own escape adventures. Sorry to bore you with my reality, lol. So, my daughter had constructed this false persona-in-crisis, and she has to regularly balance the “stories”within it. And I know it and watch her drift backwards into behavior I did not instill in her and yet the grasp this group has on her is killing me daily. It is probably similar to knowing your son will be soon in the household of another and that will change him more than you probably imagine. Its hard to think that we instill so much of everything we can that’s good in our kids only to see them so easily changed by the mere passing by of another peer. I don’t quite understand it yet, but I’m spending a lot of time learning about it. I can only say do far the opinions of their peers seems to echo that of a pack of wolves in that its strong. Very, very strong. It of course sickens me to from a birds eye view see the looks of satisfaction on her friends faces the when she successfully displays her outright defiance of what they imagine I am forcing her to abide by. They actually look smug on the screen they are unaware I am witnessing at the time. The problem is, (oh my how there are so many problems with this situation..but to mention just one) the people who are manipulating her are not those who emulate the true characteristics of a lifelong friend who would lay down their life for her, if necessary. I know I would. But their opinions seem to weigh more, a difference of tons it seems, than my opinion. So, I can only imagine you may feel a similar anguish over the future that your sons influence will be surely experiencing. I wish I could give you a hug right now. I just hope knowing there’s other parents who are in a similar situation and in my case possibly worse and that we feel just awful about the whole thing as you you have expressed that you do. So I hope I helped, and that you feel a bit more understood overall. Because you are a great mom, it seems. And, this is just another layer of hard that being that a great mom brings with it. If it were easy, I suppose that more people would be doing it with equal passion and commitment. Which in turn, would mean more adored offspring in the world.And, gaging on statistics and interpersonal relationships that I have had personally, and experienced through book and online interactions…the world is not overflowing with the types of children who are raised by moms like you who literally breath for their utmost responsibility to be a dedicated, invested, and victorious mom like yourself. So, what I mean to say is that the job of raising your son wasn’t just handed out to just anyone..maybe it was reserved for you because ypur ability and willingness to commit yourself so completely to the success of achieving the goal of good parent was much more attainable than others. Maybe its because it was known you were qualified to meet the challenges that you’ve faced and provide the steadfast pure adoration for your son along the way. Kids are not easy and boys especially pose a list of challenges to moms through the teenage years and you obviously have survived that and emerged with yet again an unshakeable love for your son. And it sounds like he did in return (emerged with a loving relationship.) So, this is yet another challenge in your previously unbeaten record of handling the raising of a son like the “boss lady” we should all be looking up to in admiration. So, my hope is for you to come to this same recognition of your success and that maybe you just take your crown and in contrast to your current thoughts- be proud of yourself for achieving the frequently (seemingly) daunting goal of raising a quality son in today’s world of negative influence.

Kelly

Hello Angela! I see it’s been 9 months since you’ve written, I am currently going through the same thing with my son, and I am just devastated. I feel like people make fun of me because of the deep relationship we have and the “mourning” type loss that I feel that now he’s going away to another state to college. Have things gotten better for you? How did you cope? What made it better or are you still dealing with the same feelings? I’m right here with you on everything you wrote. Just devastated and sick to my stomach. I hope you’ve found some peace!
Kelly

Becci Parker

Hi Kelly, Has your son moved away yet? How are you feeling now? I’m so sorry you feel so bad. My 20 yr old son has just added another month onto his summer trip. I was only just coping with him being away for 2 months let alone 3. But it’s not just that, it’s knowing that the time has come to let him go and that things will never be the same again. My head knows I need to move on but my heart can’t do it. I hope you’re ok and have found some peace xx

Georgia

I’m so sad hearing what you say! I have only one adult child. She is my life and I act very needy towards her. She told me today that I am and it broke my heart. She is 38 and married. We used to be best friends doing everything together. Now she has other interests and friends. I feel so left out and I feel guilty for making her feel my neediness. I’m afraid I will push her away more if I don’t get a grip! But I don’t know how?

Teresa

Hello how ironic I came to your message first. I am really struggling as well. I too have 22 yr old boy/girl twins whom are my world. My son went to college 4 hrs away but I was dealing with that “ok” because I knew he would come home as much as possible and every summer. I still had his twin home and my 23 yr old daughter but my son and I have always been the best of friends. I love all of my kids equally but my son has always been a Mamas boy. He and his twin sister have always been super close same friends, same interests etc. She would travel to see him at college all the time as their separation was so so hard on them both. Fast forward his Senior year i amgoing thru the divorce from their father after 25 yrs and had to move. So his twin decided she would move to Morgantown to be with her twin and my oldest whom I love dearly but don’t get along with had to move back to Maryland with MY mom as she had a surgery coming up that she needed live in help with temporarily or at least I thought temporarily. So now both twins are 5 hrs away my Mother and I and my daughter and are constantly bickering. Now prior to this neither twins had serious relationships prob because they both have come out as gay in last 6 months. NOW FIRST AND FOREMOST I don’t love them ANY less and will support them unconditionally till my last breath but now I find myself hurting because I think we all look forward to grandkids so that’s NOT going to happen for my girl as she has no desire for kids and my son wants a baseball team but as we all know surrogate/ adoption etc come with a lot of heartache and takes a loonngg time and money. So just as I was excited that after he graduated possibility of living together was a glimmer. That was of course before both of them found their first loves/relationships. They are so happy and I tell them how happy I am and thank them for the FaceTimes etc. But now my son has landed his first job with a big bank in Pittsburgh where his BF lives. NOW I FEEL SO SAD AND EMPTY. It so selfish of me but I am having nightmares that I never see him again etc. I have always been #1 to him and for the first time in his life he told me he cldnt talk because he needed to use his break to talk to David. I hate myself for being so selfish but I am so empty and my oldest daughter and I can’t get along for 5 mins and my twin daughter is so wrapped up in her new love I seldom get calls or return texts. So if you have read ALL of this just know you are not alone and be grateful that they are close by and your future as grandmother etc seems very bright. You asked for someone to admit their feelings so hopefully this helps your heart if even a little.

Nan

Oh my goodness …you are grieving the loss of your relationship with your son, your precious babe as you still see him. That’s normal and you aren’t strange or sick … you are a human mama with feelings … Don’t be so hard on yourself ! Allow yourself time to be human!

Cclemens

You’re saying he feels the same way I think you’re throwing on to him your anxiety. It’s really unhealthy for even to say it on here .this is your grown child ,let go, find a hobby. You said The Four of Us so I’m assuming there’s a husband why don’t you get reintroduced to like before you had children how about making him your hobby

Becky

I am so sorry. I often wonder what I did to my kids to make them hate me. Literally I’ve never done anything but be supportive and help them whenever I could. Now they are grown and out of the house One tries her best to destroy my marriage. The other grew up and spends time and has relationships with everyone but me. Dear GOD it hurts. You are not alone.

Denise

Same here… I go back and fourth in thought. For a while I k ow without a doubt my ex husband destroyed my relationship. With all 3 of my children but there are other times I’m sure my children ruined my marriage. In the end there shouldn’t be one person rejected not knowing the answer.
If there was anything right about it there would be no need in secrets, refusal of communication and being left out of the family that you built. And the truth is it’s not one of the other, mine all left because they wanted to. Because they felt no need for me or desire from me. They each decided they could. Live their life without me and so they did.

Sue

So sorry to hear your sad, sad post. I fully understand and know where you are coming from. I cannot give a solution or answer as I am struggling with the same agonising pain and those endless questions “why?, what did I do? I always did my best. I never failed you, we were a team, I supported you through everything, I AM a good mum etc etc ” It is a nightmare that I can’t wake from.I pray for it to come right for you.

Rachel

It does. I have days that I literally want to just go to bed and. Not wake up.I am not the same person i was a year and a half ago that’s for sure.

Cathy

I’m so sorry Rachel that your pain is so great. I too get those days and I’m praying that God will give us direction.

Carol

Neither am I. Ive always been an outgoing lively person with so much to offer. I doted on my children and gave them the best I could. I brought them up alone as their father abandoned us ..now I need them. They are all too busy for me. I spend Christmas alone too. I never dreamed this would happen. I’m lucky to get texts or occasional calls . This has totally changed my personality.. I’ve tried to.find another purpose in life. But I just want a loving family. Nothing else helps. I don’t know how I’ve survived like this for so many years.

LoriAnn

Please don’t give up!
These stories break my heart and also heal it some because I have and am suffering loss and estrangement. Since 2015 and 2019. I completely understand. For me it’s just not finding anyone who can relate in real time. This is an amazing thread and I had access to other positive things to help me thru like therapy and selfcare But it would be life changing to have a community of Real people to meet with. It just doesn’t seem to be a mental health concern and it should be.

Janet

Yes, it should be.
I’v searched high n low to try find a community, where sad mums going through estrangement empty nest or any issues with their adult children. Can meet up for real.Talk listen and reassure each other. Alas😑

Maxie

I thought I was the only mom that children & grown grandchildren just abandon grandparents for no reason. My husband and I have always been there & they just became like strangers.

LoriAnn

They should set up a group. I would love to be able to talk more directly to others that feel the same and need some support as I do!

Beth

Hi. Me too. I just spent a week driving across the country, helping my 25 year old daughter move. Got sucked in again, to the lure of her wanting to spend time with me, wanting me to see the place, like it and move there, too
Because “she wants me nearby again”. But had to listen to a gruesome book on audible the whole way, no talking…and then started making fun of me, and being rude once we arrived. I fly home tomorrow and know I won’t hear from her until she needs something . I always cave because of the fear of growing older alone.

Rachel

I feel you.. I tell my
Mom all the time I just lay down so she can walk over me again..but when she is sweet, she’s so sweet and I crave those times. She’s my only daughter and I love her so much. I don’t know what I did to make her hate me so bad.

Cecelia

Beth,

We always lead with our hearts, hoping things will be different this time.

It might help to not always help out each time your daughter asks for help. Pick one time to say no and do something for yourself, like go out with friends, get your nails done, or treat yourself to something special. You will feel that doing something for you will make for a better you!

Explain to your daughter that you are sorry, that you can not help this time because you have plans but will try to help out next time.

Hope this helps!

Abby

Omg same here! What’s worse I have little to no friends, my parents have passed only one sister who my daughter calls mom and my grandkids call grandma. We always had s close bond and talked for hours so she knows I am so afraid of ending up alone and one of my worst fears is having no one to share holidays with. So four years ago my sister comes back into our lives and it seemed my daughter changed over night. What hurts the most is she has repeatedly abandoned me when I have needed her the most, didn’t hear one word from her when either parent died and when we ran into each other at store a month after funeral, she acted so happy to see me yet still says nothing about death , but informs me how upset my sister was over my dad’s death and she was so upset couldn’t face the funeral, so my daughter felt she had to support her through that dark time. I didn’t ask what about Mr and supporting me nor did I inform her how I was devastated over my dad as it was but Ghent having to plan and face funeral all alone was one of the worst things I’ve ever faced. In November I was released from a long stay in hospital due to mini stroke and seziures, the same night I was released she got mad that I was out of it and wanted to lay down. Started yet another fight and I spent Thanksgiving Xmas and new years alone as I have done since my sister came back. I can not deal with the pain anymore and iI feel lost but obviously she has no love for me so why try to get hurt all over again. Sorry tldr

C. Shotnik

I feel for you. Families sometimes do not have empathy for each other. I hope you will find a support group, do you attend a good church? I know it’s a scary step but you might be really surprised at the genuine support. There are often singles groups that have a grief program. Try it –

Carol

We all.accept crumbs because we are desperately lonely.. and they know it. I’m only contacted when someone needs something.

susan

Same here Carol

DEE Cole

Note to my very adult senior 55+ children:

A relationship is two way…if they do not have time for me and want to know me.

I am perfectly capable of creating a best happy life for myself. It is my hearts desire 
that my life includes you. 

However, make no mistake about it, if you are not willing to reciprocate my generosity with
 some appreciation and care….I will put my time and money elsewhere.

I also, am adding to my living trust
If they don’t want to spend time with me when I am alive…they are not to be notified of my death.
Don’t want them to have to fake tears over a dried up dead body!

Sue

Oh Beth, I am so sorry, I know that so well, both my then teen sons went off with my estranged abusive husband when my daughter got ill and I gave up work to be her full time carer. He turned them against me and got them jobs far away from us.We have been abused, abandoned and hated by them for 20 years now and the only contact is when they want money. It’s so heartbreaking. I truly hope your life changes and your daughter sees sense and recognises you for the wonderful, valuable mum that you are.

Janet

Poor you.Totally get your feelings.I would also cave in.
Our kids know this.
And we are forever trying to prove how much we care.It’s very sad and annoying…

Liz

Hello. All of you write so well, especially from the heart. Some suggestions are to join a book club, even an online one. Also, a Bible study may be helpful and comforting. God loves you and understands.

Meagan

My 19 year old son graduated top 3% of his class full scholarship to college… within 3 weeks he was non existent in our lives I had to call campus police to do welfare check’s because he wouldn’t even respond to a simple text message. Thanksgiving rolls around and he comes home finally to sleep on the sofa for three days… I drug test him and he is positive for cocaine and marijuana… we talk to counselors at school and get him back on track for spring semester and he drops pit I don’t hear from him for months until I get an Instagram message he has OD not knowing if he is dead or alive I start calling hospitals and find him. I check him into rehab that day he leaves. It’s been an up hill battle and now he isn’t going to be here for Christmas. He is very disrespectful cussing and yelling going off as we try and help him the other night my husband had to physically remove him because I was working from home and his siblings 4 and 15 were scared. We told him to take a walk cool down and come back when he is civil he left and hasn’t returned saying his step dad of 10 years who has been there for him for everything is dead to him. I’m lost idk how to even move forward

C. Shotnik

His drugs are making him react. Cut him loose, he’ll need to get his act together. Tough love strategy, you can do it! He’s an adult now, just not acting like one. Easier said than done I’m sure!

Kim

Hi Becky. You’re not alone.

Kim

Hi Becky,
I feel your pain, up until 4 years ago I poured all of my energy into my adult daughter who is now 40 years old. My daughter never really let me mother her she always did the total opposite of my advice; which in turn caused her to spiral out of control, of course I was right there by her side mistake, after mistake. I co-signed for apartments, cars which led to broken leases, and a car repo which I’m still paying for today. Most people say I enabled her, and maybe I did but that wasn’t my intention.

In 2018 my hubby, and I packed up our two dogs moved to Austin TX. We leased our condo to her as she promised to do the right thing; late rent payments, poor upkeep of property, disrespect her and her boyfriend who add fuel to the fire not sure where she found him the hold situation is just terrible.

The thing is she can afford to pay the rent, and pay for the repo car, but she’s materialistic and spend all her money on designer clothes, food she actually brag to me once telling me she spent $9,000 on Door Dash.Poor credit, she rents a Mercedes Can you believe that? So sad.

I helped her raise my first grandson, I took him to football practice, attended PTA meetings, met with counselors, Church, and supported him in every endeavor like I did her.

Since I been living in Texas she had another baby, basically she uses him as a pawn to control me if I talk about paying rent she want let me see, since I live in Texas FaceTime or zoom with him is how we communicate..

As I mentioned she’s living in my condo, and dealing with the ups and downs with her made me mentally and physically sick.
I hired a property management company to manage the property. The company had her sign a lease which her lease is up in May and it will not be renewed. Oh and on several occasions I tried selling the condo, and making repairs and her and her boyfriend won’t let anyone in the home. I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes but since I hired the property manager and monitor my interactions with her I was to able reverse to prediabetes without medication.
Every time I let my guards down and think we’re on the right track she reverse back to the same behavior. She have lied to people, playing the victim, I know she’s never going to change so I know I have to gloves off, no more thinking that she’s my daughter and I am somehow obligated to allow her to treat me badly, after all she’s down to me..
I’m providing her a roof over her hand and she don’t want to pay rent, late every month.
I’m just looking for a support because it extremely difficult because by nature I’m nurturing and passionate about supporting others.. but she has completely hardened my heart when it comes to her.

My prayer life have definitely improved; and it’s helping.

Frankie

Kim, your daughter and mine are very similar in their actions and behavior toward their mothers! I’ll never understand how or why a beloved child can grow up to betray the one person that loves them unconditionally.
I’ve heard and read so much, trying to come to terms with this. But often I hear to not expect anyone to make me happy. I understand that. I am NOT wanting that. I only want to be a part, only a PART, to be included!!
I want to love and be loved. What human doesn’t?!? I built my life around my family, and now don’t have that.
This is unbearable.

Last edited 1 year ago by Frankie
Nessa

I feel very sad and upset reading these posts but realise I’m not alone in feeling the awful hurt that I have every waking moment. My son has changed to the point that I don’t know him anymore. He married 15 years ago just after the death of his father. I welcomed his wife with open arms. To cut a long story short, she has turned him against me and also my grandson who is now 9. I loved them dearly, never interfered always available to look after my grandson and their cat Never complaining. Used up most of my savings which my husband his father left me so I could help them willingly. I was always glad to help.
Christmas 2022 was the final straw. I’m 70 years of age and my son would not turn the heating up for me and I could see my breath as it was so cold. Then my grandson said to me that I’m not family only his granny and grandad. He was always loving towards me. Now there’s nothing. I live alone and my heart is breaking. I know my daughter in law doesn’t want me in their lives now as I’m of no use anymore. I recently had an operation albeit a small one but my son had not bothered to enquire as to my well being. I’ve endured years of nasty comments and always brushed them off as not to cause trouble between my son and his wife. I’ve left their house in tears many many times and went back for more just so I could see my son. My grandson at the age of 6 spay in my face and they didn’t tell him off he was rewarded by his mother getting his paddling pool out. But like a fool I sat there and took it.
The mistake I made was to allow their bad behaviour to continue towards me. I now know his wife is a narcissist and nothing I can do or say will change the situation.
My daughter in law set out to destroy my relationship from the day of their wedding when she told me ‘he’s mine now’.
She has her family and I’ve been shut out and my son has allowed it.
I have to carry on the best way I can but I too would like to not wake up so that the pain will end.

Janet

Wow, how dreadful and sad.
You poor thing.
That is disgusting behaviour.
Sounds like your son is letting his wife control everything..
Bless you!

Dawn

How far are you from Wisconsin, Nessie? Maybe I can turn the heating up for you. <3

Dawn

I have a possessive and abusive daughter in law like that too. How been difficult to experience and live with the chaos and distrust she sows between my son and anyone who genuinely cares about him.

Diane

That’s where some of us moms fail…building our lives around our families is just wrong, but we all seem to do it. If only we could see ourselves, our value,and worth a little sooner. I think we’d all know that raising our kids was not intended to be our only purpose. Some how some way, many of us lose ourselves in our relationship as a mother. Our kids should never be our lives. Our kids should never be all we live for.

Catherine

So very true. Yet here so many of us are. Lost and sad. Spiraling downward and so, so depressed not having the strength to pull ourselves up and out of the quagmire we find ourselves. I am in therapy and on antidepressants yet I continue to feel such sadness. I pray to God for help. If anyone has a solution I would love to hear it

Denise

My heart felt every word. I also know these thoughts and feelings. When you used the words emergency contact it brought me a memory from a year ago of being in the emergency room right after my third and final child joined this alliance they have formed against me. It was the first time it hit me I had no one. The journey to no one I would never put another human through . To be told I played the victim yet I sit there without a phone number to write on the form or anyone to care about my health or well being. I was desperate to feel care that I called my middle child and told her that I was at the ER and to please don’t hang up. I was going to ask if I could. List her. But she did hang up and I regretted the call because it told me she didn’t carr why I was there. I knew then my children teally didnt care if i lived or died and it’s not a game they hace been plating like ive told myself. They truly are not invested or Interested.
Your mention of your grandchild also resonates pain . My old granddaughter has been ripped from me so many times that I didn’t feel sorry for myself anymore, my heart poured for her. Each time I went on grieving for her while she went on forgetting me. The older she gets she now tells me that she doesn’t want to forget me but she never did. She is 6 now and my middle daughter has followed suit and began the same dangling give and take with the two children she has had. All I ever saw for myself was the things my grandmother was to me. The button tins, dipping little, Fingers in the sugar bowl and all the guaranteed hugs and love a child can have from a grandparent. Maybe those things are nothing, but they sure make me feel silly that long before they were born I was preparing for them and already loving them unconditionally long before they were ever born. They will never know that though. I’ve stopped my end because I do t want to hurt them or them ever think I just go away and they are not wanted. It’s a hard thing to swallow esp. when you thought you had something to offer just to find out your meaningless. Prayers to you all

Last edited 1 year ago by Denise
Rachel

I am right there with you. My nanny was and is everything to me. I only wanted to be the grandmother she was to me to my little granddaughter. She is 17 months old now and I have not seen her since she was 3 months old. My daughter is pregnant with her second child, a boy. I replay every day of her life and wonder where I went wrong and look for the things I did to make her this way. Honestly though, I am guilty of nothing. She was loved and doted on before she was ever born. We read books every night, I took her to the theater and she was in ballet and played violin and I supported anything she ever wanted to pursue. I was a Girl Scout mom and room mother. I just shake my head. Maybe one day we will get it together.

Neen

Denise, I hear this often, adult children estranged from their parents. This isn’t for no reason, if three of your children are against you that’s a definite indication that something was done by parent. I truly truly hope you’re seeing a therapist that can help you look deeper and find the source for your children deciding to keep you out of their lives.

Vicky

It could well be parental alienation done to the kids by the other parent or family member. My ex used the kids as weapons. He missed his target. I’m happy and free, and they are miserable. After our second fake attempt to reconcile, it’s now shame on me if I let them fool me again. I believed reconciliation was us getting back together, but I see now that reconciliation is me learning to accept life without them. Wish to bypass the grieving process but must go through it.

Rachel

I am sorry you’re going through this. I am in a similar boat. I find it a daily struggle. My daughter is pregnant again with her second child and it is so hard for me to have to consciously stop myself from falling in love with him like I did my first one. I won’t survive it- she used my first granddaughter as a weapon and continues to do so I.

Vicky

You will survive it. If Christian, lean on God. If not, lean more on people in same situation. You really can get to a place where you are happy without them. Not overnight but it happens. Do not give up. Love yourself.

Sharon

I’m Christian and hoping to get there too.

Tracy

Your story is so close to mine. My son is 27 and I have a 1 year old granddaughter I was allowed to hold 2 times. I’m not trying to blame it all on them but our misunderstandings stem from my hysterectomy and my emotional behavior I was bombarded with . He is my whole heart now has been cruel and I had a knee jerk reaction to a couple of surprising comments that he knows cut me deeply. I gladlyvwanted to make it right but did not feel I could until I worked on my rejection sensitivity among other things but my DNL wrote pages of things they blame me for not remembering a appointment to check baby’s murmur
I had cancer a surgery snd never saw my son whom has pages of notes he sent me about us and his love and appreciation through the years I’m devastated I was told being a mom was my super power. It’s the only thing I thought I’d done right. I don’t want baby to get close and be used against me. I havevto clear this up with him but I’m so sensitive I cry too much and just can’t face his judgements yet. I had no idea I would tell all this here. Today is her 1vyear bday. I am just letting them be for now

Last edited 1 year ago by Tracy
Janet

Oh this is so sad.
I joined a mother daughter site.
And so many daughters do this to their mothers.
I really think it is very selfish behaviour on daughters part..
Hope you get some good luck with her soon.

Emely

I am so sorry for what your arw going through and my heart genuinely aches for you. For some rwlief, you are a great daughter, mother, friend, ect. Hold on to your definition of religion as tight as you can. This too shall pass and start focusing on what makes you happy. What have you wanted to do that you were never been able to do? Focus on that.

Cathy

I feel the same way. I would not bring other grands into it. Although it would greatly hurt.

Cameron cardoza

I’m so sorry for you mom. I too have a 30 yr old son that his manipulation started 6 yrs ago. And he said I was inappropriate to him as a child , Wich couldn’t be further from the truth. Wich everyone we know believe him and he just kept the focus of me being a horrible mom as a way for him to sympathy and take away the respect I had from everyone, and so he could be the head of the family. Keeping my granddaughter away even after I helped raise her for 3 yrs. And I just realized he was manipulating me . It all came to an end over cheese. I had to read about this behavior, to understand why. And couldn’t believe it, everything I read my son was doing and worse . Heartbreaking. Now I feel so free. I told him and my other son that believes him, to fuck off!! Loose my number. If u need someone, I’ll be there for you. 417-366-2573 my name is Cami. Call me.

Sabine

Hi and thank you for sharing. It’s really really helps to know (although sad) that I’m not alone. I was raised by my grandmother until age 12 because my birth mother basically went ghost. I had often wondered about her. Once I lived with mother it was horrible from the start, we never bonded and resented her for separating me from the woman who showed me love, care, etc. those early years. Fast forward, she tried to stab me once it took my uncle to hold her bk. She kicked me out at 18 then would have periods of 5 yrs or more when she would go ghost again. Didn’t show up to my wedding. Didn’t help me with my kids, as it was tough being a single parent. She was living with my brother over 10 years but his wife had enough of her and kicked her out. Somehow she figured out to seek my daughter and tell her lies about me, manipulate her and has been ripping the bond we have. It’s been very tough. My daughter who knows all the specifics about her abuse and neglect towards me has now taken on this new relationship with her. I miss my daughter, I miss our talks. I’m doing the best i can to stay strong but it hurts. My birth mother knows what she’s doing, using my daughter to her advantage and I’m on the sideline in disbelief of what’s happened. I need to stay strong and find a way to lessen the pain. For the past year, I’m on the outside looking in. Any advice would be appreciated. My heart goes out to you as I know how it feels. Therapy does help but it’s like a bandage, it’s temporary. I believe the strength must come from within but it takes TIME, lots of time. For me, to function and maintain, I pray a lot – but that’s me. My best to you.
Sabine

Sabine

That’s very sad but I may have to do the same….

Pam

OMG i just read your post and it sounds a lot like something i wrote. I am happy its not just me in this type of situation.
My baby grandson is only 4 months old. Maybe my daughter will decide his life will be better with me in it. I hope so. I wish my mother would back off too. She acts like she is my daughters mother. She had the nerve to assert she knew more about my daughters father than I do. She even said she needed to come be with my daughter for the birth cause she has been there for all her grandchildren’s births. Not her grandchild, its mine. Creepy huh. After years I finally know why my relationship with my daughter is the way it is, my mother. She has inserted herself in my place all these years, right in front of my face.
I am moving on from them both. Its finally clear. They can have each other without me, or start respecting the real relationships. Boundaries….

Mike

Same thing here. My daughter, 19 is doing the same to me. 💔

Dee

Sorry, I googled a broken heart from my grown children. I moved from NY to NC when I lost my home after my husband passed very young. 3 kids moved to 3 different states, far away. The one in NC, I’ve been living alone and haven’t seen him or my other children in 8 years. They had everything, no drama, I gave them the best childhood. My heart is broken that I send gifts to my one 6yr old granddaughter and never get a phone call no matter how I plead. My only daughter moved to Colorado 8 yrs ago, called 2 months ago to a 23 yr old male, she is 28 and they knew each other for 2 months, I was very ill and coded at the hospital and it took 35 minutes to bring me back. I never heard from my grown kids until the other day when my daughter called to say she was pregnant. This is going to sound sick but she has called me 3x before that she was pregnant and had a 16 week abortion only 10 months ago. The most dangerous place for a baby is in my daughter! I do not believe an adult child should be stupid enough not to buy her own condoms and love herself. This is the man who gave her herpes when they first met. I am a Christian and being married by the county clerk too away any hope for my daughter to be a bride. But how can she expect me to be happy at an 8 week sonogram picture when the last one was ripped apart. My son’s wives are mean and I never hear from any of them unless it’s something crazy. I won’t be able to see this baby either. My 6 yr old granddaughter, I send gifts and cards and never get a call. I am in poor health and am very alone, how could they forget me? Or leave me in another state than home for 8 years??? I don’t understand why? I get no gifts ever. I can’t believe where I am in life! I’m in adony of heart, I hurt. I’m not asking for much. Other friends kids do not do this and are busy with their grandkids. Why do I get nothing when I gave them everything?

Chicha

Hello,
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. Your daughter is EXACTLY the same as my oldest. I have 2 daughters.Her father hated me for divorcing him.
He is Narcissist level 5. My oldest daughter was 5 when I left. She was a Daddys girl.
He made our life a living –ll. I stayed calm, never retaliated, yelled
anything. I just stayed quiet. Didn’t want the drama. My youngest was 3yrs.
It was ruff financially.
Years passed. He opened a resturant. Oldest seen her chance at 14 to get near her Dad. I encouraged her. Girls need they’re father.
He had remarried, had a child, I figured things had calmed.
I began noticing a change in my daughter. Thought just teenage things.
Didn’t know the anger he still carried for me. He began instilling this in her.
Then she began on this mind hate on my youngest.
I was working 2 an 3 jobs at times. Always home to do practices, games
or whatever they were involved with. Supporting. I never put their father down in any way.
Once she moved out for college, she got worse. Then she would call youngest daughter and keep the toxcity going with her.
15 yrs later…..the dismiss attitude, cutting me off, rudeness, and then with
my grandson… he is 14 now. But I kept him first 6 yrs while her and his fathered worked. We were so close. I had to take a lot of hatefulness, putting me down….it was horrible.
But I had to be in my grandsons life. Hoping when she got to him, or she didn’t need me anymore…he would remember me…and say, THATS NOT TRUE.
I haven’t seen or spoken to daughters in mid 30’s now for over a year.
Grandson was texting and staying in touch till 4 months ago.
Then it just stopped. Nothing. No replies. Nothing. Either she did it.
Or has told him lies, that he can’t bear to speak to me.
When I divorced their Dad, after few years, I tried to date.
I knew I couldn’t put no one above my children and I was very cautious with everyone being around them. I DIDNT EVEN DATE FOR 11 YEARS. DEDICATED TO MY CHILDREN, AND OMG WERE WE CLOSE.
THEY BOTH SAID THEY WOULD NEVER LEAVE HOME EVEN AS TEENAGERS.

I had 4 brothers, and 3 really good friends
( girls). They came to games, we done end of year school parties.
My girls w friends kids wld put on plays when everyone came to eat dinner or cookout. They never went without. We weren’t even middle class.
But they never knew we were kinda poor.
Those years with my girls growing up and grandson….best years of my life.
Never EVER IN A MILLION YEARS I THOUGHT THEY WOULD TURN THEIR BACKS ON ME. I ASK DAUGHTER ONE DAY….WHY ARE YOU SO HATEFUL TO ME…? SHE STARED AT ME, KINDA BLANK AND SAID, I DONT KNOW.
BUT SHE TURNS EVERYONE AGAINST ME.
SHE DOESNT WANT ME TO HAVE ANYONE. TILL THIS DAY, I HAVE NO CLUE.
I HAVE STEPPED BACK. AND I GO ON. WHAT ELSE IS THERE?
I KNOW THEY THINK OF ME? INKNOW THINGS TRIGGER MEMORIES.
I KNOW A SMALL PART OF THEM MISSES ME.
I KNOW IN MY HEART I WAS A GOOD MOM. I JUST STAY CLOSE TO GOD.
PRAY FOR STRENGTH AND COMFORT. I GOT TO KEEP GOING.
STILL HAVENT DATED IN 25YRS. IM GOOD.
NEVER BEEN WILD OR A FLIRT OR CHASE MEN. MARRIAGE IS A BEAUTIFUL THING WITH THE RIGHT PERSON.
STAY STRONG. YOU CANT FIGHT LIES. YOU JUST HAVE TO LET PEOPLE BELIEVE OR NOT BELIEVE WHAT THEY SAY.
YOUR ABSENCE WILL LET THEM SEE YOU ARE STRONG. YOU WILL NOT BE DISRESPECTED. DONT EVER TAKE DISRESPECT.
DONT GO NUTS IF YOU SEE THEM OUT. LET THEM APPROACH YOU.
LET THEM GO FOR A H7G OR NOT. BE PLEASANT. MANNERLY. AND MOVE ON. DONT BE DESPERATE. BE PROUD OF HOW STRONG AND CONFIDENT AND WELL YOU HAVE DONE.
IF YOU START GOING DOWN MEMORY LANE. DON’T!!! CALL SOMEONE.
GO WALK. GO TO A MOVIE. ANYTHING….DONT GO THERE.
YOU ARE IN A NEW CHAPTER OF YOUR LIFE! ENJOY IT.
OUR DAYS GET SHORTER. DONT MAKE ONE DAY SAD, IF POSSIBLE.
AND PETS ARE A BLESSING!! I HAVE 3 WONDERFUL BABIES.
WITH TONS OF LOVE.
I WISH YOU THE BEST

Pauline

finding it overwhelming that my only child is moving out and buying a house with her boyfriend.. it has been just me and her for 27 years.. I am happy for her but can’t stop crying the nearer it gets, I have never lived on my own before, I dont want to burden her with my feelings either. Most of my friends are married too 😪😪

Rukhsana

Hi Pauline, as a single mom I can relate. I just moved across country, going back home, from my only daughter,18 years old, and it was gut wrenching painful. We had been through so much together, a lot of tough times, but we made it through. We really started enjoying each other’s company, and didn’t want it out to end.

But i realized that moving away, although not ideal, didn’t mean that our bond ended. With all the technology these days there are so many ways to stay in touch. Also, it was necessary for us to have more individuality in order to be healthier. It was like “ripping off the bandage”.

The tears still come, but that’s love. She knows you’ll always be there for her, she just has to spread her wings. Big hugs mama ❤️

Sue

Hello i totally understand and feel your
Gut wrenching heartache! I have been a single mum since my daughters were 5 and 7 years old. They were my life, my function, my happy, my sad. Now within 6 months of each other they both left home to start their own futures. They have great jobs and careers and they are thriving. Meanwhile i am a wobbly emotional mess to say the least. I look back at my life, all the things we did, i taught them to read write and ride a bike. I am proud they are strong independent women but i am lost. What do i do with myself now. I feel my life is behind me and nothing to look forward to or fix or do.

Judy

Hello Sue,
You have done a great job of raising your daughters because they now have their own lives. It’s your time now to invest in yourself and your life. Get some fun hobbies! Read, learn how to play the piano or guitar, take online classes in art, knitting, cooking, get a pet. Go to yoga classes, or lead a quiet relaxing life however you want! You can still see your daughters and talk to them. They can still be in your life.

Ejc

How are you doing now? You sound just like me.

Vickie

My son is 45. Says I’m dead to him. It really hurts and the grandkids are done with me also. I can’t eat sleep or function. Been so sick but they don’t care. Broken hearted

Janet

I am also going through similar. Cry cry all the time.Have to go to my bedroom when upset, so no one sees me.Regular panic and anxiety over situation😥

teresa

what do you do when you are in your 70’s, have one child, are estranged. who do you use as an executor (can’t depend on the nieces, they have parents) who do you put down as an emergency number! i’m fine with moving on without her it’s the aboves things i worry about. thank you – p.s. friends die so they can’t help all the time

Maryjo

I hear and feel your worries. My story is pretty much the same. I moved 1800 miles to be closer but that was a mistake. So I got a lawyer had all the documents (will, living will, power of attorney’s etc) completed with the lawyer the executor. I am trying to carve out a happy life here and live in my new to me reality. It’s not too bad but was scary when I ended up in the ER but I made it and know that strangers can be kind. I hope you find your path.

Virjinia

Would like to be buddies talk with you. Am 70 too

Judy

Do you really need an executor? Or could you make arrangements to leave your possessions to a charity? As for an emergency contact you can ask your doctor (s) or put your daughter’s name down and tell her why you chose her despite the estrangement.

Dawn

I can see why she might want an executor. In our state everything you own immediately becomes the property of the state once you die w/out naming an executor. Money – vehicle – property – real estate – pet – personal valuables – photos – trinkets- etc.

Just FYI.

Have you checked your local senior resource center yet, Teresa? <3

C. Shotnik

Judy,

” leave your possessions to a charity”, I like that! If my 2 sons decided to become estranged I wouldn’t hesitate to donate everything to a charity. How hurtful and self-centered on their part. Before I did it though I’d write them a long letter for self satisfaction and get right to the point. It might wake them up!

C. Shotnik

Teresa,

You get an elder attorney to care for your needs. That’s why it’s called “elder” and you can decide on the type of help you need. You can find one online, or ask a personal banker, minister, friend to help you. Sometimes it’s much better to have someone outside of the family execute your will/estate.

Inessa Levitan

Thank you so much for incredible article! It was exactly what I go through right now. INessa, looking forward to read more, inessa

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The Author

Christine Field is an author, attorney, speaker, listener and life coach. She has four grown kids, mostly adopted, mostly homeschooled. She provides MomSolved© resources and reassurances to moms facing common and uncommon family life challenges. Christine helps moms rediscover their mojo for wholehearted living after parenting. Visit her website here http://www.realmomlife.com