The Detachment Wall: How to Let Go of Your Adult Children
Some of us moms have a problem with our attachment to our children, to the point where the bond can become unhealthy.
Can we love our children but not let their choices or behavior make us crazy? Is some detachment actually a good idea?
Is Detachment a Wall?
The idea of detaching from a person can seem terrifying. But is there a way to practice healthy detachment?
Another way of thinking about it is this – when we live detached, we are not placing a wall between us and others. Instead, we are examining our own expectations and dependencies.
With those in perspective, we are freer to love another person because the focus is shifted to them and is not solely on us.
With our adult children, though we love them unconditionally, we try to satisfy unmet needs in us:
- Our need to be needed.
- Our desire to nurture someone.
- Our desire to see that our work and love produces an effect – a child who loves us back.
What we often do is keep a picture in our minds of our child and how they will fulfill these needs and desires for us. What happens when that child rejects us? In my case, and for many other moms, we completely freak out!
What Went Wrong
When we are ‘good mothers,’ we begin to define ourselves by our mothering. While this can be positive and can encourage us to fulfill our role responsibly, by totally adopting that definition we can forget all the other aspects of ‘me.’
When we are our role, when that role is challenging, or when that role is over, what is left of ‘us’?
In dealing with estranged children, we still tend to look within ourselves. We ask ourselves what we did wrong. We obsess over every interaction and question whether we could have responded differently.
Read HOW TO DIVORCE YOUR ADULT CHILDREN AND RESTORE YOUR SANITY.
Also read HOW TO DEAL WITH HAVING AN ESTRANGED ADULT CHILD.
This Monday-morning quarterbacking neglects some basic facts about humans:
You Can’t Control Other People
We surely have influence over our children, but we do not mold them like clay. When they don’t turn out the way we planned, we neglect this fundamental truth.
The Power of Letting Go: How to drop everything that’s holding you back on Amazon
You Can’t Rely on Your Children for Your Happiness
We may have looked ahead to our golden years and seen ourselves surrounded by loving grandchildren. This neglects another fundamental truth: People change. If we rely on other people for our happiness, we may be disappointed.
My source of joy and happiness is an inside job, not dependent on the actions of others.
Find Your Joy: A Powerful Self-Care Journal to Help You Thrive on Amazon
Your Emptiness Is Yours to Fill Up
Your adult children don’t exist solely to fill the void of your unmet needs. Do you need the love and admiration of children and grandchildren to be happy? Perhaps meeting your own needs by loving yourself sufficiently will bring more peace and satisfaction.
Complete People Can Love Completely
I remember well the first time my young daughter gushed about a new boyfriend, saying, “He completes me!” We had many long talks deep into the night discussing how love can be real and true only when two people who are complete within themselves come together.
True love rejects the notion that the other exists solely to please you. True love is therefore not threatened when the other displeases you, because the love is not dependent on the other fulfilling your needs.
Having the other person conform to our desires so we will love them is manipulation, not love. Focusing on “what’s in it for me” is a death knell for true love.
Yet, as mothers, we sometimes forget that in our relating to our adult children. When we can view them with some detachment, when our reactions to them are no longer based on expectations or being dependent on them, we are then able to love them fully and freely.
Do not look at your adult child as completing you, giving you a fulfilled life, or meeting your needs. When you set those aside, you begin to understand love.
What to Do Now?
If you are a hurting mama, laid low in the dust by the estrangement of an adult child, what should you do now?
- Examine your feelings and thoughts. What does it feel like when attachment hurts? What thoughts are you thinking at the time? Can you begin to think differently?
- Be with others and love them, but don’t look to them as your source of happiness.
- Learn to be alone, not lonely. Loving ourselves enough that we can be our best companions is healthy.
- Quit blaming yourself for the state of the relationship. You didn’t and couldn’t control the outcome. Why beat yourself up?
Read WHEN PEOPLE ASK ABOUT MY ESTRANGED CHILDREN… WHAT CAN I SAY?
Here are a few more ideas to help you heal and let go.
- Journal – Writing or sketching your feelings and thoughts puts you in the moment and helps to get you out of your thoughts. Buy yourself a pretty journal and write in it whenever you feel overwhelmed, sad, or lonely.
- Find other mothers in the same boat – Join Facebook groups and share your stories with other women who are going through the same thing. Lift each other up and remember not to fall into the trap of wallowing and continuous negativity.
- Seek counseling or therapy – Look into talk therapy or cognitive behavioral therapy. Online websites like Better Help and Talk Space offer versatile and affordable access to therapists and counselors.
- Read empowering books such as:
Self-Love Workbook for Women: Release Self-Doubt, Build Self-Compassion, and Embrace Who You Are by Megan Logan on Amazon.
When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chödron on Amazon
Keep Moving by Maggie Smith on Amazon
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz on Amazon
Mind Over Mood by Dennis Greenberger and Christine A. Padesky on Amazon.
When we are not attached to any outcome in our relationships, then we can be free and happy. When the state of our internal life is more important than our external circumstances – there lies peace.
Read PARENTING ADULT CHILDREN CAN BE AGONY.
Also, MY ADULT CHILDREN CUT ME OUT OF THEIR LIFE.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Do you still find it hard to let go of your adult children? Or, do you still worry about them and take care of them more than you think you should? Please join the conversation below.
Hi, I’m healing from anxious attachment and relationship codependency. My 15 year old daughter sometimes feels distant from me. We’re going through a phase of some disconnect. I feel needy of connection with her…to have fun and be apart of her life. My gratitude aside, I am grieving a recent separation (almost 1.5 years ago), so my ex-partner and I split time. Time flies by faster, it seems. I’m needing to let go, while co-creating time together to hopefully connect. I just wish her guard wasn’t up with me. I feel like she’s pushing me away.
Its because we care. My daughters are 33 and30. Both have a terminal illness. In hindsight now I can see all the dramas we went through, throughout the years were due to this disease. I pain cause I can’t fix it. As mums that’s what we do best. My girls don’t want me involved they have the isolated mind of the disease and I am left out completely. I am a very active woman travelling and doing many different things every day. But always trying to help and putting my things aside many many times. Money is given, gifts are given.. Why ? to make me feel better.
As some one below said the self love is not there..yet. I am starting to realise that the” Let it Go” applies to me as well. Thank you Ladies, you ALL, made my day
My daughter is 20year old ,she wants to completely disconnect with me. Reason is I caught her doing the things we don’t what her to do at this age until her degree is completed.
we are ok with everything like boyfriend, drinking except sex.
Actually she use to be very sweet ,no attitude, joyful & cheerful. since she
was 18years caught her for every 6 months with different things like pills,pregnancy testing kit ,sex tools,yeast infection ,condoms & last one I can’t even describe .All these are new for us, some time we feel like it is a dream .
First thought we will ignore and be normal as if nothing happened as time
goes on her nothing wrong attitude and blaming me for everything made me crazy.I started to dig into her life more & found out the reason for her behavior and who is feeding her . After all the effort , all the talk is feeded by so called friends who are my close friend’s daughters .I use to treat them respectly as my daughters. Never said or talked anything wrong about them( they were like babies with beautiful smile) anytime. After knowing truth I felt like growing poisonous snakes to bite me one day.Now I am in trauma how to make it normal as before and just don’t want to rely on hope without putting effort as time goes by.
One 45 yr old son. Growing up, he was such a good boy, a real source of joy, happiness and pride. Then, it seems, the world (or something foreign to me) got a hold of him. 10 yrs after the fact, he nonchalantly informed me of the abortion he paid for, with his girlfriend of years, who I loved and would have been happy to see them through the unexpected parenting experience…..But, NO! They murdered my grandchild, after the good examples set for them and all the happy sacrificing to further both of them and the forgiveness extended to them. for 20+ years. Fast forward another 20 years, his father having suffered several strokes that left him at home with hospice. All my selfish son could do was gripe about being there for him. When he died 11 months later and left his only child a million dollar legacy, the punk complained that, ” I never asked for this. It’s a burden.” I can’ t stand him any more.
Hello! My son is 35 years old, and is with his girlfriend of two years. She is 42 with three kids. We have let them both live with us because their only alternative was sleeping in their car, in a very cold place. He plays on my sympathy a lot. Also, he has had a serious problem with lying since he was very young. As an adult, he spent almost eight years in prison, all because of his bad choices. While staying with us, they never once offered to pay for any rent, home expenses at all. When his car breaks down, he EXPECTS me to pay for it. They behave as if we owe them a living, a place to live, and we’re not allowed to say anything or disagree with them. I have been the only solid person in his life for the entire 35 years. We recently threw them out of our home because of all of the problems they brought in with them, an now, WE ARE THE BAD GUYS. I am trying to teach myself acceptance. Accepting that he is a grown man, she a grown woman, and i can no longer be responsible for “helping” them. My son is no longer speaking to me, and on some level, that is a relief for me. The only time he has contacted me over all the years is when he needs something from me, and i am extremely tired. I am 57 years old, and should’ve been way done raising my child many, many years ago. I am trying to accept that he is on his own. He likes to tell me he is “grown”, when that is far from the case. They are both extremely immature, and they seem to believe the world owes them everything. The “entitlement” attitude has become way out of control. I don’t feel like i can do anything else for him, therefore, he will stay away. In some ways, that’s the best thing for all of us!