How to Stop Feeling Guilty About Your Divorce After 50
Divorce guilt comes in all sorts of mutating forms. It is normal for many of us to feel like we were somehow to blame for the divorce. Culturally, we are taught that keeping the household and marriage successful was our responsibility.
There is no consideration that making a marriage work takes two people in a partnership. And naturally, because there was a lot of pressure on us to be perfect, when the marriage unravelled, our reaction was to blame ourselves for it.
It is time to knock it off.
In Order to Stop Feeling Guilty, You Must Forgive Yourself
Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. It’s a gift that we are usually generous in giving others. Yet for some reason, we don’t give ourselves the same luxury. For some reason we think our actions, especially divorce-related ones, are somehow reprehensible. We feel like the worst people in the world for letting everybody down.
Accepting responsibility and working to avoid mistakes in the future is one thing. But constantly blaming yourself for things in the past is neither helpful nor healthy.
So why not put that energy you spend on feeling bad about the past into something better, like creating the good life you deserve?
Forgiving yourself is challenging right now because you are looking at the divorce with warped vision. You are looking at it with 20/20 hindsight, where you have the luxury of picking your past self to pieces. And that’s just not fair.
How to Embrace the Forgiveness Mindset After Your Divorce
When a wave of guilt hits you, please remember something. Guilt is a gray looming fortress, like the Tower of London where you feel trapped. Here is the crazy part though. All the doors are unlocked, there are no guards, and there’s no reason for you to stay there. So why not leave?
The next time you are feeling guilty and are unsure of how to forgive yourself, ask yourself this one question. “How will this guilt serve me in the future?” If you are coming up with a blank, that’s the point! Guilt does not serve you, so you must forgive yourself and let go.
Guilt speaks the language of “maybe, should have, would have.” These are not action words. They are passive words that your guilt is using to make you create a false past reality that doesn’t exist. The next time you find yourself with those thoughts, nip them in the bud with compassion for yourself.
Need an example? Take a look below!
Guilt Thought: I feel guilty because maybe I should have suggested we go to couples’ therapy sooner.
The Forgiveness Mindset: We went to couples’ therapy when we thought we needed it. We did everything in our power at the time to fix it. You were brave to try it, and should not feel bad about any of that.
Guilt Thought: I feel guilty because maybe I should have brought up the fact that we weren’t communicating anymore.
The Forgiveness Mindset: It takes two people for a marriage to work and you were not responsible for both you and your husband. You did what you could with the strength you had at the time. Be proud of yourself for that.
Now it’s your turn! Write down the specific things that are making you feel guilty, then neutralize them with the compassion you deserve. Do this whenever the guilt sneaks up on you. As long as you are mindful and consistent with this practice, you can stop feeling guilty and keep the “Guilt Monster” at bay.
The road to forgiving yourself and overcoming divorce guilt can be a long one, but showing yourself much-deserved compassion will ease that journey.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Did guilt affect you during your divorce? What positive steps did you take to overcome it? Please share your stories.
Tags Divorce After 60
No guilt here, as I was the party who got repeatedly cheated on. I wasn’t perfect, but I put my all into that 20-year marriage, even when things were at their roughest, inclluding counseling, reconciliation attempts, etc etc. Bah, cheaters gonna cheat cheat cheat, as his subsequent wives learned.
I got past the anger and sadness, however, in a way that would also help people suffering from guilt, I think. I decided that I would reflect on the marriage experience, and honor everything in it that was good, including what I learned from it. That includes the good of learning about some very painful and ugly things that as an innocent 20-year old bride I had had no idea about and never would have wanted to know; and other knowledge that I’d rather never had had to gain. But the good that came out the 20 years took many forms, some unexpected. And then I decided to put down the burden of “if only I had…” and simply honor what was good, learn from the experience, and relax and move forward with a good life, lived with integrity and clear headedness.
Hope that helps.
Thank you for accepting some responsibility in your divorce, even if your ex was the one who cheated. I am a financial advisor with a niche in the women’s divorce space. I facilitate workshops for women considering or in the process of divorce. Other panelists include an attorney, private detective, multiple therapists and a realtor. Over the years, I’ve witnessed the women who took some responsibility for the collapse of their marriage are better able to move into the next chapter of their lives.
I did not do anything for many years. I finally wrote a letter to my ex accepting responsibility for my part in the decline of the marriage; i.e. failure to communicate effectively, lack of self-esteem, maturity, etc. That was it. The guilt I had been harboring for all those years, was gone. Done, and I was free to move on. Liberating!
My son was in the Peace Corps, my daughter was graduating college. Yes, I felt guilty that my son didn’t have a place to come home to. That my daughter relocated.
After a lifetime of caring for everyone, suddenly they were gone. I had to create a life for myself.