Leaving a Marriage After 60: How to Know When it’s Time to Let Go

Marriages, especially ones that have lasted for decades, take work. Every day will not be a honeymoon. Arguments, compromises, and sacrifices will no doubt be daily currency. While the give and take in a relationship is normal, there are instances when staying married is not a sustainable option.

1. You Are in an Abusive Relationship
2. You Do Not Get Treated with the Respect You Deserve
3. You Justify Your Happiness and Mental Health
4. You Feel Nothing Will Change for the better
5. You Are Not Being True to Yourself

It can be terrifying to end a decades-long marriage and start over in your 50s, 60s, and 70s. For this reason, many older women stay with their partner, even if it is not in their own best interest.

But how do you know when it is time to leave your marriage, versus staying in it? Every woman’s situation is different, but if you are in any of the following situations, regardless of how long you have been married, it may be time to consider your options.

You Are in an Abusive Relationship

There are no if’s, and’s, or but’s when it comes to abuse. It is wrong, you do not deserve it, and you need to leave that situation as soon as you can.

For years, our culture has told us that running the household and making the marriage work is our duty. As a result, we put this enormous pressure on ourselves to keep the marriage intact, even if it is harmful or dangerous to us.

Whether it is physical, mental, emotional, or sexual abuse, or the threat of abuse, you do not deserve it. There are resources out there to help you leave.

It does not matter how many years you have invested in a relationship. You may have even told yourself, “I may as well stay since I’ve already invested all this time and I’ll learn to cope.” But please, for your sake and for those who love you, do not stay. It’s time to realize you deserve to be safe and respected.

Physical and sexual abuse are easy to identify, but mental and emotional abuse can be more difficult. Gaslighting is a technique frequently used by abusive partners which undermines and makes you question your perception and understanding of reality.

The manipulation often begins slowly and goes unnoticed by yourself and others. Common behaviors include constant lying, deflecting or shifting blame, creating a codependent relationship, twisting conversations, and giving false hope. 

Also, narcissists can create volatile environments and make you question your self-worth. They generally don’t have your best interest at heart and don’t really care when they hurt you. Narcissists typically don’t change as it is a personality trait (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). 

Don’t stay in an abusive relationship thinking that they will change. Chances are they won’t.

Read THINGS TO WATCH OUT FOR IN A DIVORCE.

You Do Not Get Treated with the Respect You Deserve

Anyone who is married for more than a few years understands that there will be ups and downs. However, if you are not being treated as an equal partner in the relationship, that’s a problem. If your wants and needs are ignored or mocked, that’s a problem. If you are being cheated on, that’s a problem.

These actions are symptoms of a larger problem. They show that your partner is not valuing you in the way that you should be valued. Never forget for a second that you are a queen and that you deserve to be with someone who will love you and respect you and treat you right.

If you find yourself continually justifying your partner’s disrespectful behavior, or, even more alarming, you have become numb to it, it might be time to reconsider the value of that marriage.

Read DIVORCE AND THE MARITAL HOME: WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW.

You Justify Your Happiness and Mental Health

If you justify, and continue to justify, everything over your own happiness and mental health, there is a problem. You, a woman over 50, are a part of a resilient group. Women of your generation demanded more for themselves. They broke out of what society told them they should be and how they should act.

You have made a lot of sacrifices along the way, especially when it came to balancing the demands of marriage, motherhood, and career. During those years, you probably had dreams of your own deferred.

It’s common for most women to have made that type of sacrifice. However, the red flag starts to wave if keeping your marriage together is at the expense of your own happiness and mental health. If you are continually discouraged from pursuing your own dreams and happiness, it’s time to consider if staying in the marriage has been a reason for that neglect.

Read 10 STRATEGIES TO EMPOWER YOU WHEN DEALING WITH A CONTENTIOUS DIVORCE.

You Feel Nothing Will Change for the Better

Perhaps you feel like nothing will change for the better, and your spouse is unwilling to try. If you are in one of the above situations, where you are mistreated and disrespected, it may be time to stop. This holds true if you continue to justify your spouse’s misbehavior towards you, or continue to prioritize everything over your own mental health and happiness.

You may have the opportunity to work things out with the help of a good counselor or other professional. These types of services can be a godsend for some, but there are times when it’s not a cure-all.

Online websites like Better Help and Talk Space offer individual and couples online therapy to help you go through this difficult period. You may want to talk with someone if you do choose to end the marriage. A therapist can help give you coping skills to navigate through your feelings and emotions.

It takes both partners to make a relationship work. Perhaps you do not want to leave and have done everything you can to try to make the relationship work. Yet if your spouse is still unwilling to work on it, he is sending you the message that you may not want to hear – you deserve better.

Ending a marriage is a messy and complicated process. It can be terrifying to take that leap – the one where you go from having a predictable but unhappy existence to one that is full of uncertainty and stress. But remember that there is a whole new chapter of your life that awaits you if you decide to do so.

Read OVER 50 AND READY TO LET GO OF UNMET EXPECTATIONS AFTER DIVORCE? HERE’S HOW TO TAKE ACTION!

Recognizing that you deserve to feel safe and free from abuse and harm, that you deserve to be treated with respect regardless of how long you have been married is important.

Knowing that you deserve to have your own independence and happiness despite years of sacrificing for others, can be the motivation that gives you the courage to leave a relationship that is no longer healthy for you – even after age 50.

You Are Not Being True to Yourself

Do you find yourself easily agitated and frustrated most of the time? If you find that your personality changed over the years and you are mostly angry with your partner, then it’s possible that the environment has become toxic and it’s time to make a change. Sometimes the change means leaving the relationship.

Sometimes it’s neither abuse nor flagrant disrespect but little things that your partner does that annoy you and that are not conducive to a healthy and loving relationship. You have the right to be happy and to live in a nurturing environment that promotes your happiness and unique personality.

It used to be that women who left relationships in their 50’s and 60’s usually felt lonely, isolated, and stigmatized. Nowadays, more and more single women over 50 are living their absolute best lives – traveling, moving abroad, taking on new hobbies, starting businesses, and meeting new people. You can search Facebook groups, meetups, travel websites, and social events that gather older women together to do activities.  

Addressing Common Fears About Leaving a Marriage

Overcoming Fear of Loneliness

One of the most daunting fears women face after ending a long-term marriage is the prospect of being alone. However, loneliness can be managed by building meaningful connections and staying engaged in activities that bring joy and fulfillment. Here are practical strategies:

Join Online Communities

• Many platforms cater to women over 50, offering a space to share experiences, advice, and encouragement. Websites like Sixty and Me, as well as Facebook groups dedicated to divorced or single women, are great starting points.
• Consider virtual meetups or forums that align with your interests, whether it’s book clubs, travel planning, or creative hobbies.

Explore Local Meetups

• Websites like Meetup.com host various groups that bring people together for shared interests such as hiking, cooking, or learning new skills.
• Attend community events, workshops, or classes at local libraries, senior centers, or recreation facilities.

Reconnect with Old Friends

• Reaching out to old friends can rekindle meaningful relationships and create a support system. Even a simple coffee date can help reestablish connections.

Develop New Hobbies

• Hobbies provide a sense of purpose and the opportunity to meet like-minded individuals. Consider activities like painting, gardening, yoga, or volunteering for causes you care about.
• Travel groups for solo women offer a way to see the world and meet new friends.

Consider Pet Companionship

• Adopting a pet can reduce feelings of isolation and provide unconditional love and companionship. Walking a dog, for example, also encourages you to get outside and interact with others.

Managing Uncertainty

The uncertainty that comes with leaving a marriage after 60 can feel overwhelming, but it also holds the potential for growth and new opportunities. Here’s how to approach this challenging yet transformative time:

Adopt a Growth Mindset

Embrace the idea that change, while uncomfortable, is an opportunity for growth. Focus on what you can learn about yourself and what you truly want from life moving forward.

Set Short- and Long-Term Goals

Break down this new phase of life into manageable steps. Short-term goals might include reorganizing your living space or signing up for a class, while long-term goals could involve travel or pursuing a long-held dream.

Stay Informed

Educate yourself about the practical aspects of this transition, such as finances, legal processes, and housing options. Knowledge can reduce fear and empower you to make confident decisions.

Build a Routine

Establishing a daily or weekly routine can provide a sense of normalcy and stability. Include time for activities you enjoy, self-care, and connecting with others.

Practice Mindfulness and Gratitude

Techniques like meditation, journaling, or yoga can help you stay present and manage stress. Reflecting on what you’re grateful for can shift your perspective toward the positive aspects of this new chapter.

Find Inspiration in Others

Seek out stories of women who have successfully navigated similar transitions. Books, podcasts, and online articles can provide motivation and remind you that you’re not alone in facing these challenges.

Celebrate Small Wins

Acknowledge and celebrate each step you take toward creating a fulfilling life, no matter how small. Whether it’s trying a new activity, meeting someone new, or simply enjoying a quiet moment of peace, every achievement matters.

Surround Yourself with Positivity

Limit exposure to negative influences or people who drain your energy. Instead, seek out uplifting and supportive environments that encourage you to thrive.

Practical Steps for Women Considering Divorce After 60

Financial Preparation

One of the most critical aspects of preparing for a divorce is getting a clear picture of your financial situation. 

Assessing Your Current Finances

• Review your income sources, including Social Security, pensions, and any personal savings or investments.
• Track your monthly expenses to understand your financial needs and areas where you can cut costs if necessary.
• Evaluate any debts, such as credit card balances, mortgages, or personal loans, to understand your financial obligations.

Understanding Joint Assets

• Identify all joint and individual assets, including real estate, vehicles, retirement accounts, investment portfolios, and valuable personal property.
• Gather financial documents such as bank statements, tax returns, retirement account statements, and insurance policies to share with your attorney.

Creating a Budget

• Develop a post-divorce budget that includes housing costs, healthcare expenses, daily living costs, and discretionary spending.
• Factor in potential legal fees, relocation costs, and other one-time expenses related to the divorce process.

Consulting a Financial Advisor

• Consider hiring a financial advisor who specializes in divorce to help you create a long-term financial plan and make informed decisions about asset division and investments.

Legal Considerations

Going through the legal aspects of divorce can be complex, especially when it involves dividing assets accumulated over decades. Key steps include:

Consulting a Divorce Attorney

• Hire an attorney experienced in late-life divorces who understands the unique challenges of dividing retirement funds, Social Security benefits, and pensions.
• Look for someone who can guide you through the legal process while advocating for your best interests.

Understanding Asset Division

• Learn about how marital and non-marital property is defined in your state, as well as how it impacts the division of assets.
• Consider how shared properties, such as a family home, will be handled. Will you sell it and split the proceeds, or will one spouse retain ownership?

Pensions and Retirement Funds

• Ensure that retirement accounts like 401(k)s, IRAs, and pensions are accounted for during the divorce proceedings.
• Discuss options like a Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO), which allows the division of certain retirement benefits.

Health and Life Insurance

• Review your current health insurance coverage and explore new options if you were on your spouse’s plan.
• Update life insurance policies, wills, and beneficiaries to reflect your post-divorce wishes.

Housing and Living Arrangements

Where you live post-divorce will significantly impact your finances, emotional well-being, and daily life. Consider the following:

Evaluating Your Current Home

• Determine if you can afford to stay in your marital home based on your budget and financial situation.
• If selling the home is the best option, consider the cost of moving and purchasing or renting a new place.

Exploring New Living Options

• Downsizing can help reduce costs and make life simpler. A smaller home or condo can be easier to maintain and less expensive.
• Renting might be a practical option if you want flexibility or are unsure of your long-term plans.

Co-Housing and Shared Living Arrangements

• Consider co-housing with friends, family, or like-minded individuals to share expenses and build a supportive community.
• Explore senior living communities that offer amenities and social opportunities for women over 60.

Relocation Considerations

• If you’re considering moving to a new city or state, research the cost of living, accessibility to healthcare, and proximity to family or friends.
• Some women choose to move closer to their children or grandchildren, while others prefer locations with vibrant social activities or good weather.

Read UNEXPECTED FRIENDSHIPS ARE EVERYWHERE, WAITING TO BE FOUND.

Also, KEEPING SCORE IS FOR GAMES AND SPORTS NOT RELATIONSHIPS.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Has your marriage ended? How did you know it was time to leave? What advice would you give other women who are struggling with the decision to stay or go? Let’s have a conversation and support each other!