Roll With the Punches and Search Your Heart – Lessons from the Online Dating Trenches

I am often asked how I was able to survive online dating for so long before I finally found my match. Happily married now for five years, I always say my long online dating journey was well worth it, despite the frustration, aggravation, and anger it sometimes generated. I online dated on and off for 13 years before meeting my now-husband, a journey detailed in my memoir, Taking the Plunge. During that time, I learned two invaluable lessons about how to survive the online dating trenches.

Develop a Thick Skin

My biggest piece of advice for anyone who is online dating or considering it, is about the importance of developing a thick skin. Online daters often face a deluge of potential matches, such as I did. It is a daunting challenge to wade through it all. By carefully reading profiles, it’s possible to weed out those who are obviously arrogant, snarky, bitter, or hateful. If the profile doesn’t ring true or raises red flags or gives you a funny feeling in your gut, I found through much trial and error, that it’s best to just toss the profile and not give it a second thought.

Too often I made the mistake of giving someone the benefit of the doubt, only to learn through a phone call or meeting that my initial instincts were correct. I often found myself at the receiving end of either hateful language or rude behavior. That’s when I realized how very important it is to have thick skin and to not take their behavior personally.

There are many reasons for people behaving badly online, leaving others feeling rejected, anxious, or depressed. Knowing the reasons behind the bad behavior can help soften the blow. People often behave very differently online than they do in real life. The anonymity of the Internet can make people act out in ways they would never behave if they were meeting face-to-face. I would often find myself making what I believed to be a real connection with someone only to wake up one day to discover that Poof! They disappeared. I have never ghosted anyone, but I was ghosted by plenty. It was hard to not take it personally.

That’s why I eventually insisted on a phone call soon after meeting online. But this didn’t necessarily stop the rude and mean behavior by some men. I came to believe that with no face-to-face meeting, the person on the other end of the call could easily disregard my feelings. The lack of face time is often cited as to why online rejection can hurt so much more than a face-to-face rejection. Along with developing a thick skin, there are other ways to cope with online dating frustration.

A Deep Look Inside

The most valuable insight I gained was through regular visits with my therapist. She helped me sort through all the dating challenges by closely examining myself and what I wanted in a partner. Therapists will help you figure out what you’re really looking for, what your dealbreakers are, while focusing on your self-worth and whether you’re ready to date.  

This so-called “dating readiness” doesn’t focus on how long it’s been since your last relationship, but instead whether you have the emotional capacity to date and begin a new relationship. For example, do you have the space in your heart and in your life for a relationship? I met many, many men who said they wanted a relationship, but never seemed to have the time or energy to get together. Eventually, I learned how to recognize the signs, not force the issue, and walk away.

With all the challenges of online dating, it’s easy to see why so many get frustrated, throw up their arms, and swear off online dating. For me, I knew I really wanted to find another partner after my divorce, and online dating was the best option for that. That’s why therapy was so valuable to me. It can be a great way to learn how to cope with all the challenges that come with modern dating.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Have you found the need for a thick skin while online dating? What were some of your experiences, if any, with rude or ill-behaved people and how did you react? Have you ever consulted with a therapist to help you cope with online dating? If not, would you consider it?