How Do You Know When to Let a Friendship Go, and How Can You Find Your People?
Fall started just a week ago. And while Fall is a time for the leaves to be dying off, symbolizing the end of a life cycle, for me it has always been more about new beginnings.
Fall means pumpkin spice lattes pouring into our cups. The beginning of the gorgeous Fall colors. When I was young, it meant the start of the school year, new school clothes, seeing all my friends again and wondering what new friends I would meet.
Meeting new friends at this age has its challenges and I know I’m not alone in feeling like my village has gotten smaller as I’ve gotten older. While we need to know we can rely on ourselves, we also need a sense of community.
Friendships Are Different: The Train Metaphor
The seasons of friendships can be unpredictable. My grandmother who lived to 103 used to compare these relationships to a train ride.
She’d say, some people will join us on our train for just a stop or two. Others will remain for a longer portion of the ride, and ultimately get off. Then there are those who stay with us until our final destination.
Common Issues with Friendships
I work with women of a certain age every day, and three of the most common issues with friendships are:
- What do you do when a friendship becomes more of an energy drain, taking more from you than you have to give?
- What do you do when someone gets off your train that you thought would be with you until the very last stop?
- How do you meet new friends at this age?
I’ve had to walk through each of these scenarios myself, (multiple times!) so I thought I’d share some suggestions as a Later Life Coach, and from my own life experience.
Scenario #1: Gradually Phasing Out
For those relationships that no longer serve you, one way to distance yourself is to try and phase yourself out gradually. Becoming less available can be a good first step in allowing the relationship to organically roll to a stop.
Continuing with the train metaphor, you can also choose to take the direct route by saying you just don’t have the energy and time you feel the friendship requires. That you’ve decided you need to take more time for yourself for a while.
All true.
Scenario #2: Sudden Departure
I had a friend for over 20 years who left my train unexpectedly. We were always there for each other, in fact they would remind me that no matter the time of day or night, they would always be there.
Then they met a love interest and shortly afterward, disappeared. After some time, I reached out sharing my hurt and disappointment. Their response was defensive and didn’t address my feelings at all. I responded, and then never heard back.
And that was my answer. This was my closure, like it or not.
Their true colors of who they are now came to light, and they were clearly unable to communicate in a compassionate way. Whether they had changed, or I never saw this side of them, didn’t matter. They told me all I needed to know.
I have found that instead of looking at the good times with doubt and sadness, it is in our best interest to try and be thankful for the time when the friendship enriched our lives and… then put it in the past and move forward.
Note to self: if someone doesn’t treat you with kindness, compassion and a willingness to listen and discuss a difficult issue:
Let. Them. Go.
Start with Yourself
Healthy relationships enhance our well-being, and it takes an effort to find our people. Seeking out ways to do something you enjoy is one way to meet others who have similar interests.
Take yourself out to do something that lights you up and enjoy your own company… and you’ll have a much better chance of meeting others than sitting on the couch watching Netflix!
What I Did for Myself
Necessity is the mother of invention so I’ve decided to create a new branch from the tree of my Loving Later Life Podcast and start the Loving Later Life Together Community on Zoom where women 50, 60+++ can meet two times a month. It will be a place to share, connect, laugh, learn and more. I’ll get to make new friends while providing a way for others to do the same!
When something comes to an end, it’s also a time for new beginnings. I say we choose to look at this Fall season with hopeful eyes and focus on what brings us joy.
Having a sense of community is crucial for all of us. I hope you’ll join me in the Loving Later Life Together Community and in celebrating new beginnings and new friendships!
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Have you had friendship challenges? How did you handle them? How have you met new friends? Please share!
Tags Friendships
I would like to share in this discussion.
Finding friends after retirement is much more challenging. The basic lack of structure and accountability in retirement allows us all to pick our own bedtimes, mealtimes, and socialising times. We sometimes get into routines that can take over and limit our availability making it more challenging to hook up with a new friend. The identity and purpose we had in the workplace no longer exists. We essentially have to reinvent ourselves and our lives. Some of us are helping with grandchildren etc and that usually becomes a priority.
I have scaled back my expectations and decided to take my time. I’m getting my house in order, downsizing and finally attacking some of the organisational projects that have been on my list for a long time. I started attending church regularly and it’s been a wealth of support and connection. I try to keep an open mind and smile and be friendly when I’m out and about. I frequently connect with someone in the grocery store or in passing that seems to appreciate being acknowledged. It’s not a friendship but it is a shared moment that I feel blesses my life and hopefully others. I’ve started reading fiction novels for at least an hour a day. Other readers love to talk about authors and stories. I do a home workout routine five days a week which has had great results. Fortunately for me I am fairly easily amused. I do think keeping an attitude of gratitude makes all the difference.
Hi Marilyn,
Thank you so much for sharing with us. Yes, retirement is an adjustment in so many ways. Those relationships for the most part tend to be ‘situational’ friendships and often don’t continue once we no longer see those folks every day at work.
Any kind of connection is good for our well-being. To your point, a quick friendly exchange at the grocery store, or even holding a door open for someone creates a satisfying feeling.
Being grateful and seeing all that is good in our lives creates a healthy mindset, and the more we engage with other people who do the same, actually helps us to live longer healthier lives.
When I moved away, some 1100 miles north, I knew no one here except for my daughter. I was 70 then. In the northeast, people do not extend themselves. They pride themselves on their so-called ‘resiliance’ and ‘self-sufficiency.’ What a horrible existence.
Six years later I am making friends, most of who aren’t from the northeast. Cultures do vary and this did not surprise me.
I met several people that I spent time with. Fortunately, I have a quick learning curve when it comes to friendships. I have no use for the self-centered, the braggarts and prefer my own good company. I haven’t met my group yet but I will.
Hi Janel,
I understand your frustration in finding your people. It does take time and effort, and it’s worth it. Don’t lose hope, they are out there!
Really? I’m from the northeast and moved south many years ago. Have YOU thought about how people in the northeast would like to be approached versus your expectation about HOW they should behave towards YOU?
I found the people different down south.slow, wouldn’t just “say what they meant” and insults were hidden behind, “bless your heart”. I now have lovely southern lady friends that help me decipher the subtleties of living in Georgia as opposed to CT and NYC.They get a kick out of my personality.
When in Rome, do as the Romans do. It is up to YOU to make an effort to find out HOW things work. Most people want to feel loved, heard, valued and understood no matter WHERE they live.
You might need to work on adjusting your attitude.
Im having friendship challenges with two women friends right now. One is in her late 50’s and a former coworker. I retired almost three years ago and I have been trying to keep the friendship going as I really like her but work friendships are the hardest to maintain. Im almost 10 years older than her and don’t want to go to bars to follow a band and dance.I have begged off joining her when she calls to invite me and instead offer to come over and visit or go out to lunch, exercise together etc to catch up. While we do that occasionally, I can see the friendship withering on the vine.
My other friend is one of long standing and she met a man almost two years ago and virtually disappeared. I do have a partner myself, but always try to stay in touch and keep the friendship going to bring some balance in my life. I rarely hear from her now unless she is having relationship issues then she blows up my phone.
I think maintaining friendships these days is really hard, Im not sure people value them like they used to, or maybe its always been this way and I never noticed!
Hi Kimy,
It’s sometimes hard to know when to let go of a friendship. The Fall leaves come to mind in this moment. The tree releases the leaves that need to fall off in order to make room for healthy new leaves to sprout and to grow.
You can’t push the river as they say. Sometimes we need to let the relationship wither on the vine and let them go. It takes two to maintain a friendship and you get to have people in your life who value yours!
Thank you for this article. I find since I have become a carer to my father, my life & friends have disappeared. He cannot be left & other than my partner I have no one to help. It is such a hard time. I hope one day I can be blessed to have my life back & be able to find friends again.
Kerry, I just read this friendship article and saw your post. You are in one of the most challenging situations possible. I am sorry that you don’t have a friend who could help you out now and then with the caregiving and simply to offer love and support to you. May you find resources somewhere in your community to give you some relief. Peace and ease to you.
Thank you 🥰
Kerry, may be time to reconsider whether that kind of friendship is worth it. As we care for our family members, there is no reason for friends to drop us – unless they really aren’t friends.
I’m very particular who I allow in my inner sanctum. Sometimes relationships do complete (including a divorce).
I think everyone has their own very busy lives & of course we are the ‘sandwich ‘ generation! If it’s not aged parents it’s young grandchildren!!!
Hi Kerry,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It is super important that you make time to take care of yourself. You know what they say on the airplane?! Put your oxygen mask on first. You can’t be there for your father if something happens to you. And your physical and mental health depend on it, so whatever brings you some relaxation and joy, take some time for you.
Thank you.🥰