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That’s Me in the Corner, Losing My Religion

By Maggie Marangione February 26, 2023 Mindset

When it comes to spirituality, I’m all over the map. Early childhood in Catholicism, late teenager goddess religion, Irish mysticism and earth-based spiritualty, Buddhism, meditation circles, Emersonian transcendentalism as well as attending mosques, synagogues, stupas, weird pagan festivals and sweat lodges. I found divinity in all of these settings, so, I could not comprehend how all religions feel that they have the one way. All ways lead to God.

Also, the ecstasy and devotion that people felt about their religions, I had only experienced in the woods. This led me to the very natural path of looking at decaying trees and animals, the role of fungi, discovering a mother with baby turkeys, the spring regeneration of Coltsfoot and Lady’s Slippers and the flow of birth, life, death and resurrection from a scientific and naturalistic perspective.

Death

Are we as dead as a skunk on the side of the road? Good-bye and lights out; existence and what we know of life is over; this life is not a dress rehearsal. These ideas reminded me to be mindful because… this moment might be all that there is.

Then, in a concerted effort to drop my damn baggage because it was too damn heavy to carry anymore, I was serendipitously led to kundalini yoga through a mindful woman centered teacher, a guru. Despite my New York skepticism, bits of wisdom slowly crept in. One of our mantras was so real; I am beautiful, blissful and bountiful.

A Bit of Perspective

May the long time sun shine upon you, all love surround you; and the pure love within you, shine your way on. To hear a chorus of women singing this and raising their voices for themselves, each other and all of humanity is life changing.

And the voices of women in our gathering lifted my spirit up, and after decades of Biblical trauma, I finally started to weep because I had not cried since 1998.

I would like to say that everything was rainbows, unicorns and the partner of my dream materialized, but that did not happen – or at least not in that order. This was a human version of Eat, Pray, Love. I stopped wine, weed, over-exercising and type A behavior of doing, accomplishing, and being so busy I basically would pass out at night.

Transformation

Nightmares, sweats, electric currents running up my body, out of body experiences, dreams, memories, bad memories, really bad memories and panic attacks flooded my system. I made it this far to be hospitalized NOW? I thought I would have to check myself into the fifth floor or whatever floor the psychiatric unit was on.

Thankfully, a kind psychiatrist who agreed to see me said, “Well, of course you’re having a nervous breakdown, you have stopped all of your coping mechanisms. That is why all your trauma and remembered trauma, and abuse is flooding you because you are not denying or detaching from it. You are in you body and mind, finally experiencing it.”

I could cope with this because I was a fighter and this was another thing to overcome. Yet, this was not a Hallmark movie where I suddenly was BETTER. It took years as I began to learn and perceive I am not my trauma or emotions and learn a new way of being.

Revelation

Which brings me to 2023 and sitting in a Catholic church on Saturday at 5pm.

I am sitting in a pew and letting the words wash over me and as the priest says, “God is merciful.” I am thinking, Tell that to the people in Turkey. I am feeling smug and judgmental and realizing this as I try to plug into something larger because my smugness is irritating me. Then I realize…

I do NOT know any divine path or what is in store for anyone or how it plays out in their or the universe’s karmic soup. This is a horrific tragedy and God is not sending lightening bolts or golden horseshoes. Perhaps the mercy is the community that rises to help those in need, the humanitarian community that is working OT, the donors, the people praying, all of humanity that recognizes the horror.

Because there is no God.

He is not a person doling out blessing and punishments. Suddenly, I reached a beautiful joyful peace in that Catholic church. God, for me, is about divine oneness, that interconnectedness we feel when we do selfless service, like the first responders at 9/11, or when we do something as simple as wave a car in front of us when they are trying to pass lanes.

Yet, I am getting super judgey when the priest talks about this weird martyrdom of Catholicism, the turning the other cheek, loving a-holes.

Then another epiphany hits me that intersects Catholicism with Buddhism. All suffering comes from attachment. I am suffering when I look at my wrinkles, grey hair and weird sagging skin because I am attached to an idea of beauty. To turn the other cheek means I am not attached to revenge or the most important thing, my emotions, which drive my alligator brain, not my divine brain.

I am 60 this year. I recognize more frequently my alligator brain and my divine brain, and my need for divine oneness finally has the majority of my time. In these last few weeks, my attachments are thankfully loosening their grip. And to drop this is to feel so free. I feel like I can just float away. I just lost 50 psychic pounds.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

When was your faith challenged? What steps did you take when you questioned your religion or faith? Has your relationship with God, religion or divinity changed as you have aged?

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Alicja Gruszczynski

Looking 70 in the eye, I had to stop and think. It’s been almost 50 years since I stepped away from Catholicism. Adopting the vernacular for the liturgy removed the historical link over the centuries, and the patronization of the congregation from the pulpit was enough to send me packing.

Over the intervening years, I still maintained a sense of spirituality. No ‘guy in the sky’ (or goddess either). On my bookshelves are Buddhist, Daoist, Confucian, Celtic and Christian and Muslim references, as well as Shaman and First Nation writings. Between them all are parallels of thought and spirituality, even though they come from disparate directions.  
What there is not are any Fundamentalist (of any stripe) references – fundamentalism of any persuasion appears to be proscriptive, more ‘hellfire and damnation’ and divisive rather than inclusive and helpful.

All I have to do is consider the natural world to see that there is an inherent mystery in how it operates – from subatomic physics to cosmology; to the personalities evidenced by animals (anthropomorphizing here, but definitely observed, even if couched in human terms); the particular soothing qualities of nature on the soul – and can only draw the conclusion that all life is somehow connected. The only difference, it seems to me, is how it is expressed.

Teilhard de Chardin probably said it best:  We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. Within that human experience come all the joys and sorrows, the delights and catastrophes – and how we cope with them. What strengthens us, and what breaks us.  And, if we’re really quiet and open – we can touch that mystery of being spiritual being if only for a moment.

I’m content with that. 

Susan

Your thoughts resonate with me too.

Ellie

I was a devout Catholic as a child but I couldn’t understand how my classmates in Catholic school who were such bullies would have a chance at heaven but my kind friends who went to the public school across the street would linger in Limbo, for all eternity because they were not baptised in the Catholic faith. I became a sceptic from then on. My religion is be a decent person and leave the world a better place.

MarySue

A former Catholic that now does not relate to any organized religion as the “true” religion. Your belief is personal and true for you. In my 75 years I have seen too many “religious” people be unkind, judgmental and forget to Love Thy Neighbor. Most of us inherited our parents religion and where we were born heavily influenced their ancestors’ choices. Religion is often geographic. I choose not to believe you are doomed if you are born into a part of the world where the wrong religious is practiced. I choose to believe how you live your life counts more than a set of rules.
Thanks for this thought provoking article !

Shira Reiss

My son thought that reading the book “From Strength to Strength” would help me with these kinds of questions for this stage of life since the author mentions that moving into a deeper sense of spirituality, purpose and being of service in the world should or can be the focus at this stage of life. My son asked me if I learned anything new from the book by using it as a “guidebook” or having suggestions. For me, no, it did not. (I still enjoyed the book). I grew up Jewish and went to Israel throughout my 20s finding amazing spiritual teachers. Spending the next 20 years studying with Jewish teachers brought deep meaning for me, but then I stopped completely studying. I want to feel that deep sense of longing to return to study and work on myself now that I’m retired. I can’t figure out why I don’t feel drawn to it.

Ezrela

Love your comment I agree with you

Margaret Klimm

Religion is about theory, Christianity is about each other

Susan

What exactly does that mean?

The Author

Margaret S. Marangione is a Professor of writing at the University of Virginia and Blue Ridge Community College. Her novel, Across the Blue Ridge Mountains, has been submitted for the Pen Faulkner award. Additionally, her short stories, essays and poetry have been published in Appalachian Journal, The Upper New Review, Lumina Journal, Enchanted Living and Sagewoman magazine.

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