I Never Want a Purpose Again! …I Want Meaning

“Purpose? I never want another purpose,” a recent retiree told me. “I’ve had enough.”

We both laughed. After some conversation, she said she was open to a different word – meaning. Can you feel the difference? For many of us, the notion of purpose feels restrictive and full of obligation for good reasons.

Most women navigate life responding to the requirements of marriage, parenting, and work goals. During our lifetime, many women also became achievers professionally, as well as maintaining more traditional feminine roles. That is a lot to manage!

It is not only life roles that define us, but also the social norms regarding how a woman should behave. Although we have made progress, we women are still the primary caregivers, are appraised according to our social standards of beauty, and carry out traditional roles.

Let’s appreciate all we have done to balance life, support others and contribute throughout our lives. Let’s give ourselves a round of applause.

Then What?

What happens when we launch into the phase of life, usually in our 60s or perhaps 70s, when we no longer work, have family to care for (some of us still do), and perhaps have renegotiated our primary relationship to open into more freedom? Certainly, these responsibilities gave us a sense of purpose. The question before our retiree is what she will do with the new spaciousness now open after her career.

We have few external clues about what is supposed to be next. Society is more comfortable if we simply move to the background and quietly fade away.

When we are finally unbound from many of the external obligations of midlife that define how we live, we are free to decide the nature of our lives for ourselves. The recent retiree viewed her life ahead as one of not being confined by all the responsibilities associated with purpose; she felt a sense of release and relief. What she had not yet done is realize that she has the freedom to fill her new life with meaning, vitality, and happiness, however that expresses for her.

What if the opportunity ahead is really about taking advantage of the newfound spaciousness in life and defining for yourself who you are, how you live, what brings you happiness and meaning? How does that feel? Exciting? A little scary? Perplexing?

You Are Not Who You Were

One way to view this game-changing phase of life is to shift from living life from the perspective of who you believe you need to be, to one of living who you are free to be now. For our retiree, the word meaning rather than purpose helped her begin to view what she wants in life from this new viewpoint.

This shift is not a quick and simple process. Shifting our understanding of who we are here to be in this life is a deep adjustment and one that many of us have never navigated, so it is uncharted waters. Many of us have little practice in putting our own desires first. In fact, some of us have never had the opportunity to explore what we want personally.

How do you even find your own desires? It can feel selfish, foreign, and uncomfortable. Some of us are happy to keep life just as it is. Sometimes life presents us with life changes that require us to change somehow, like our retiree. Or we may just get sick and tired of feeling trapped in unhappiness and are ready to change.

When you think about what you want, take your time. Even if you think you know, pause and feel if that is still true.

Be an Explorer

One beginning is simply to notice whether you want something different. Be clear about your willingness to bring change into your life. I have spoken with women who feel dissatisfied yet are not ready for change; that is a valid choice. It is like deciding whether to take the trip or stay home.

The next step is to recognize the qualities that define who you are and that serve you. For example, being trustworthy, friendly, or skilled in certain areas. Pack these in your travel bag.

Then listen to yourself. What do you yearn for? Wish for? Just notice as you go. Perhaps creativity is calling you, or you have a yearning for the richness of friendship and community. Some people have a drive to make a unique difference in the world. Choose what feels right to you now.

Take a small step and see how you feel. You can always adjust. In fact, over time, most of us do find ourselves exploring once again according to life and personal changes.

Our retiree, in the end, did want meaning. She is exploring working with children and how to help them learn to center and calm themselves. It is beautiful because she is using her talents and it brings her joy.

Our stage of life is not about achieving, but about discovering what feels true and joyful now.

What Do You Think:

When your obligations began to lighten, what did you feel – relief, excitement, uncertainty? What might meaning look like for you now?