Marriage and Money Habits: A Mid-Year Money Check-In
I invite you to take yourself off of autopilot mode for a minute when it comes to how you and your significant other handle your finances. Research suggests that half or more of our daily activities are driven by habits, done with little or no conscious thought. I would argue that our money habits fall into that habit trap as well, especially as far as who typically does what.
The Financial Roles Trap
Who pays the bills, who makes the investment decisions, who works on the tax filing, etc.? We often fall into a system of each person in a relationship taking care of what they are most comfortable with, right or wrong. Or because one refuses to be involved or perhaps time availability is an issue. For whatever reason, we usually evolve to having our own “departments” that we take care of financially.
Pause for a Check-in
That habitual system “works” but I challenge you to think about whether it’s “best” from a financial future perspective. Perhaps it would be helpful to intentionally pause to take the pulse of your current financial health, kind of a mid-year money check-in. Think of it like a checkup from the neck up. Your money mindset and your actual financial behaviors may benefit.
Acknowledge the Baggage
Like every relationship we are in throughout life, each party brings their own “baggage” to the table. And it really helps to start with being aware of what that baggage entails. Understanding the other person’s childhood and past relationships around money can really give you a better perspective.
Have you shared with each other what your memories are of money as a child growing up? And how you dealt with money in past relationships, even if it was roommate or parent/child money relationships? It really helps you realize the context that shaped the other person’s money personality.
The Context of Roles
Then when you revisit your roles in the financial aspect of your current relationship, it makes so much more sense. Not that you will agree with or like the current situation any better, but recognizing the origin can definitely bring more empathy to your conversations.
Plan Ahead for Your Expiration Date
Recognizing that we all have an expiration date (guaranteed!) is a reminder that even if we don’t take a direct role in all of our money habits, it would be wise to at least be aware of the details around those activities.
Do you both know where account passwords are stored andhave access to them? Do you know how/when the bills are paid (online manually or automatically or otherwise)? Can you each list the various accounts and where they are held (bank, investment firm, insurance company, etc.)?
A Money Makeover
In the spirit of a mid-year check-in, how about a Money Makeover short list (3 To Dos per month) to get your conversation started? Or maybe you already have some financial actions in mind that you want each other to know more about.
Make your own To Do list. Tackling one, two or three actions together can be a great start to learning more about what the other one might be handling. Like I used to tell my parents, morbid but true, at least know how to access everything for when one of you will be left solely in charge.
Suddenly Single Later
Remember, 80% of married men die married but 80% of married women die single. You are highly likely to have 100% of the finances in your lap at some point if you don’t already. So, the sooner you are more aware of what all there is to take care of, the better it will go for you later.
What Is Your Department?
I often think of the departments my husband handles and how little I know about them. They are not financial in our case, they have more to do with home/vehicle maintenance. So, I have started asking and making sure I am familiar with what is being done and when.
I don’t worry about how to do those things. Since he has a handyman business, he already has a vetted list he shares with clients of who to contact to take care of those various needs when he is unavailable. That list may serve me well someday too.
The Gift That Keeps on Giving
For more evergreen financial tips and resources on couples’ decisions for better financial wellness, check out my short video on Money Remodel Tips After Marriage. Communicating and maintaining the awareness of financial decisions can be the gift to yourselves that keeps on giving.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Have you evolved to different or changing financial roles with your significant other? In the past, what have you learned within the financial aspect of your relationships that could help other women? Is there a change that you are making now? Let’s have a discussion!
This goes against the grain of this article, but I believe that, especially if marrying in later life, people ought to be keeping their money separate, perhaps having a joint account for household expenses that both contribute to.
I have heard too many horror stories about women finding out too late that their partner has been irresponsible with money, sometimes intentionally, and if they decide to leave for any reason that may come as a surprise to the woman. Of course, this can happen the other way around, but in my experience, it was the woman who was unfortunately surprised.
Lisa, hopefully that is the exception and not the norm but yes, we likely all know someone who unfortunately has gone through a similar horrible situation. Being aware of your own big financial picture, separate finances or not, is crucial.
I was surprised but fortunately in the other direction, my husband now ex kept a tight reign on finances and led me to believe we had very little savings which I couldn’t understand. I found out after separation that he was mean and so I now live very comfortably on my own happily
Thank you so much for this article. ALSO I have benefitted from your website and checklists!
Luckily, I’ve always been financially aware because my dad started me young (age 5, a savings account) and kept teaching me things all along. But I was married for 20 years to a person who really had a lot of trouble with money and when he and I divorced, suddenly my financial life got way better even though I had less than ⅓ of the previous household income.
Now I’m happily retired and was able to take early retirement at 62. Good luck everyone: taking care of your money is like taking care of your health and your emotional life. Well worth the time and care.
Wow, Liz you shared so much here (and thanks for the shoutout on my website/checklists)! Your example of your dad when you were 5 really reminds me how important our role can still be as grandparents, to weave in those important learning lessons during some of the time we spend with the grands. So glad you landed on your feet after the challenge of divorce. And your last point about the impact of money on our health and emotions is exactly why I named my financial wellness for women business “Mind, Money, Motion” because they are all interrelated!