Navigating the Heartache of Moving a Loved One to a Care Home: A Personal Journey
Life has a way of presenting us with decisions that test our strength and resolve. Recently, I faced one of the hardest choices I’ve ever had to make: moving my 90-year-old mum into a care home. This was not a decision made lightly, nor one that has come without a significant emotional toll.
My Dad’s Passing Was a Turning Point
Mum will turn 90 this November, but her journey over the past few years has been anything but easy. She lost her husband, my dad, four years ago during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic. They had been married for over 60 years, a bond that was nearly inseparable. Dad’s passing was a devastating blow.
He had fallen and was transferred to a care home for what was supposed to be rehabilitation, but the situation quickly deteriorated. With visiting restrictions in place, Dad became confused and disoriented. His only wish was to be at home with Mum, but tragically, he caught COVID while in the care home and passed away within weeks.
We were given just 20 minutes to say our final goodbyes before being forced to leave due to the restrictions. Mum wasn’t even allowed to touch him. It was a harrowing experience, one that I know was shared by many families around the world during that dark time.
Mom’s Primary Carer
Since Dad’s passing, I have taken on the role of Mum’s primary carer, a responsibility that has brought both challenges and rewards. I visit her daily, handle her shopping, washing, and cleaning, all while juggling the demands of running my own business and looking after my grandchildren.
My siblings, who live in different parts of the country, have helped when they can, allowing me some much-needed respite. But the weight of responsibility has been heavy, and as Mum’s health has declined, the demands have only increased.
A few years ago, Mum suffered a small stroke. Although she recovered enough to return home with care in place, her short-term memory has been steadily declining ever since.
We Needed Special Care
About six months ago, I began exploring the idea of respite care for her. Finding the right care home was a daunting task. While many looked clean and well-maintained, they lacked the homely atmosphere I was searching for. I wanted a place where Mum would feel valued, where she could be part of a community and engage in stimulating activities.
After several visits, I finally found a home that felt right. It had good reviews, the right atmosphere, and a warm, caring staff. The first time Mum stayed there, she was reluctant, but after settling in, she began to enjoy her time there. The second time was easier, and she even expressed a wish to stay long-term, though she quickly changed her mind once she returned home.
However, the last time was different. She had made friends, and the staff, who clearly adore her, welcomed her back with open arms. When she returned home, she was adamant that moving to the care home permanently was the best decision for her.
The Transition Was Difficult
We were fortunate that the care home had a lovely room available. After visiting it together and speaking with the staff again, we agreed to the move. But the transition has been anything but smooth. Leaving the house she has lived in for 35 years has been incredibly difficult for Mum. She often forgets that it was her choice to move, and she needs constant reassurance.
For me, the journey has been equally challenging. At nearly 65, the prospect of knowing Mum is safe and well cared for should bring relief, but the guilt is overwhelming at times. As a family, we’ve faced our share of disagreements, and not all of my siblings are on board with the decision. The result has been many sleepless nights, filled with doubt and heartache.
Yet, despite the challenges, I know in my heart that this is the right choice for Mum. At home, she was isolated, with most of her friends either gone or unwell themselves. She spent long hours watching television, unmotivated to move around, which only worsened her mobility. In the care home, she has a community, activities to engage in, and a staff that genuinely cares for her well-being.
It’s Not an Easy Decision
The decision to move a loved one into a care home is never easy, and the journey is filled with emotional ups and downs. But sometimes, the hardest decisions are the ones that bring the most peace. For me, knowing that Mum is surrounded by people who care for her and that she is no longer isolated is worth every sleepless night.
To those of you who may be facing a similar decision, know that you are not alone. The guilt, the worry, the sleepless nights – they are all part of the process. But in the end, the most important thing is the well-being of your loved one. And sometimes, that means making the hardest choice of all.
Thank you for reading and sharing in this journey with me.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Have you had to find a care home for a loved one? Did you feel guilt about it? What was the primary reason for choosing a care home?
Tags Getting Older
As you say, the important thing is the wellbeing of your family member & so the hard decisions must be made. My mom went from living in her own home to an assisted living lodge setting 5 years ago, then to a nursing home 6 months ago. She passed away there 1 month ago. We were fortunate that these transitions were made in our home community. Like Leslie commented, I spent more time with her after the physical moves. The deterioration in physical/mental capacity should not come as a surprise to us yet we seem to ignore these inevitabilities & do not plan in advance. I hope to be proactive in my decision making as I approach that stage in my life.
Hi Mona
I am so sorry to hear of your Mums passing.
I too spend more quality time with Mum. Instead of having to do daily chores I am able to spend time just chatting to her. She is so much more fulfilled with daily activities and friends to keep her company.
Reading this, I am sorry that you have siblings who are disagreeable to this. The responsibility was clearly falling on your shoulders, so I think that it is correct for you to have taken the reins. It sounds as though your mother came to terms with it as well. I hope that your heart comes to a resolution that this is the best decision. My mother was fortunate to be able to have a live-in caretaker at home, but I lived in a different part of the country, and I know that if my brother, living near by, had to make that decision, I would go along with it, knowing that he was closest to the situation.
Hi Lisa
Fortunately my siblings have seen the benefit in Mum moving into the nursing home. She has friends around, activities to do and is much more fulfilled. It has also given me peace of mind that she is safe especially when I’m not around.
My husband fell at home in 2022 and he was hospitalized and transferred to a rehabilitation center. He is still there and isn’t happy about it. He will be 80 in October and it has been living in a nursing home for over two years. I am the only person who visits him. But I have been going through challenges of my own with knee pain and loss of mobility. I’m 67 and I feel guilty that I can’t see him as much as before. We have been married for 35 years. We miss each other very much.
Hi Lori.
I’m so sorry to hear you are struggling with things. It is so hard being apart after such a long time together. My parents were married for over 60 years and I know that Mum misses him a lot.
Take care x
As a professional organizer and move management specialist, I work with a lot of seniors downsizing and transitioning to assisted living. It if never an easy decision to make for your loved ones but the number of clients we have that don’t have any family or friends supporting them is heartbreaking. I end up being an advocate for most of our seniors but we are not licensed or certified by the state so our power is very limited. We need to do better or the senior crisis is only going to get worse.
Hi Linda, I work as a diversional therapy coordinator in an aged care home in Australia and I see the emotional difficulties partners and families go through on admitting a loved one to residential care. I am a big advocate for providing support for them as well as the new resident. Validation for how they are feeling is on the top of the list. Where there is dementia involved, directing them to dementia support organisations can really assist in accepting the situation and relieving the guilt that they commonly feel.
Hi Julianne
It is such a difficult decision. Fortunately it seems to have been the right move for Mum. She is in a lovely home and has settled well. Her time is so much more fulfilled than it was when she was at home.