When Being a Grandma Isn’t on Your Vision Board

You’re over 60, and the world wants to see you as a cookie-baking, treat-bringing, butterscotch-toting matron who loves all children but none as much as your own grandchildren.

The problem is that not only are you disinterested in whether you have grandchildren, but you’re not that fond of children in general. And instead of toting butterscotch, you carry a passport, yoga mat, or title of business owner. Or maybe all three and then some.

Feeling disinterested in children or apathetic about the idea of grandchildren might have you wondering, at least occasionally, “What’s wrong with me?”

The answer? Absolutely nothing.

If you don’t want to be a grandmother or never wanted to be a mother in the first place, you’re not alone, and there’s nothing wrong with you. Really.

Not feeling maternal, not enjoying the company of children, and not having a desire to jump on the grandma train are quiet realities for more women than you realize. Just because there’s not a Hallmark card for it or a “Not a Nana Day” on the calendar doesn’t mean those feelings aren’t valid.

Knowing that, however, doesn’t mean you don’t occasionally wonder why your feelings are so different from those of other women you know, and that’s valid too.

Not Every Little Girl Plays with Baby Dolls

There’s an unspoken expectation that little girls will enjoy playing house, nurturing baby dolls, and pretending they’re mommies.

But what if that instinct never manifests?

Some women simply never felt a connection to that maternal role. They didn’t feel it as girls, young women, or in midlife, and they don’t feel it now either.

Instead of wanting to make lunches, volunteer for PTA, and attend endless sports practices and games, they were interested in business, nonprofits, traveling, art, animals, or other adventures.

Or, perhaps they were simply satisfied with living a peaceful, adult-oriented life surrounded by grown-up friends and colleagues.

Sound familiar? You’re in good company if you can identify with the above and have never heard the loud tick-tock of your biological clock.

Yes, the desire to procreate is an evolutionary predisposition for many, and it’s necessary for our species to survive. But maternal instinct isn’t a biological law etched into all female DNA.

It’s not necessary for all women to want the same thing, and recognizing and honoring an aversion to wanting children or grandchildren is arguably one of the most selfless things you can do.

Children are a big responsibility. In the same way that someone who hates blood shouldn’t become a surgeon, someone whose heart isn’t in parenting making the choice not to become one is a valid and responsible choice.

There are many ways to live a meaningful and fulfilling life without wanting to be surrounded by children.

Finding Happiness Outside the Family Tree

Women who don’t define themselves by motherhood or grandmotherhood often find joy and purpose elsewhere. And finding that joy and feeling purposeful matters. A lot.

Women who have

• Traveled the world and immersed themselves in other cultures;
• Spent decades mastering a career or craft;
• Poured energy into meaningful relationships;
• Served their community, been a mentor, or fought for causes;
• Found solitude and self-reflection nourishing and satisfying;
• Lived spontaneously, untethered by generational responsibilities

have all made a difference in the lives of others and the world in general.

Diversity in efforts is crucial for the evolution and advancement of society. If every person decided to become a carpenter, we wouldn’t get very far. So, if your happiness is found and contributions are made in ways not associated with children, you’re doing just fine.

Quieting the “What’s Wrong With Me?” Voice

Yes, yes, logically that might all make sense, but it’s common for many women to feel internally plagued by the question, “What’s wrong with me – why don’t I feel like other women?”

This voice can become especially loud in your 60s and up when many of your peers enthusiastically embrace grandparenthood and explain how being a grandparent is even better than being a parent.

Let’s be very clear about this again – there is NOTHING wrong with you.

Unfortunately, many women who don’t feel this draw to parenting/grandparenting psychologically internalize messages that something is missing from their character. They may struggle with guilt and shame or feel utterly disenfranchised by their peers.

A woman who’s disinterested in children may feel like her emotional make-up is defective. What’s defective, however, is the societal expectation that we should all want the same thing.

Being different and wanting different things doesn’t make you “less than” anyone else. It simply means you have your own compass and followed it, even when it didn’t point in the same direction as everyone else’s. That takes strength and authenticity – and should be admired and appreciated, even if it’s not.

Rewriting the Narrative

When they reach a certain age, typically midlife or later, many women begin to do a deep inventory of their lives. Among the questions often asked are,

• “Have I done everything I wanted to?”
• “Did I fulfill my dreams?”
• “Have I lived well?”
• “Have I missed something?”
• “What kind of legacy will I leave?”

These are all worthy and important questions, but the answers don’t need to hinge solely on grandkids.

If you’ve ever felt like you need to explain or make excuses for your disinterest in these traditional roles (even to yourself) – stop. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for what brings you joy and what doesn’t.

Not wanting grandkids or enjoying children in general doesn’t make you cold, heartless, or a curmudgeon. It simply makes you someone with a different yardstick for fulfillment and happiness.

In fact, this can be the perfect time to explain your own, personal narrative.

In a conversation that warrants it, you can say something like,

• “I’ve always found my greatest joy in ___, and that hasn’t changed.”
• “Kids were never my thing, but mentoring adults? That lights me up.”
• “I love seeing families who are close, but I’m closer to my friends and the tribe I’ve created.”
• “I see how happy your grandkids make you. That’s how I feel about my ______”
• “I’ve dedicated my life to ____ and have experienced so much happiness because of it.”

You’re Not Alone – Even If It Feels That Way  

It may feel at times like you’re the only one who doesn’t have and/or doesn’t want grandchildren. You’re not. Many women over 60 share this feeling but don’t openly talk about it.

In a world that has particular and often strong feelings about what it means to be a woman, it can be difficult to say, “That’s not who I am and I’m good with it. No, I’m more than good – I’m happy about it.”

Being a woman over 60 who doesn’t like kids or want to be a grandmother isn’t a character flaw.

You’re not broken. You’re not lacking. You’re not alone.

You’re just you, and that’s enough.

You’re just you – and that’s exactly all you’re supposed to be.

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Are you struggling or uncomfortable because you don’t want or care about being a grandmother? If you’re not a grandmother and are content with it, please share your story and join the conversation.