How Quickly Do We Judge?
Last month, I wrote an article for 60 and Me that was centered around the idea of establishing boundaries around other people for the purpose of protecting our own emotional health.
I talked in the article about how I had been thrown into the role of caretaker for my mom with whom I have a complicated relationship. I described events that led to my decision to set boundaries and also discussed some of the mindset difficulties that can arise as we go about actually respecting the boundaries that we have set.
This article prompted a LOT of comments, mostly very supportive. But, there were a couple of comments that although delivered in a very kind way, were judgy. The opinion expressed in these comments was that our parents should take precedence in our lives over our children and our grandchildren. That I would regret my decision to respect the boundaries that I had set around my mom. That I wouldn’t want to be treated this way by my own children.
As I said, the comments were worded in such a kind way that I was able to receive them and consider them. I understood that they likely came from someone who had a very loving mother. But, the comments also got me thinking about how quickly I pass judgement on someone else when they are living their own lives in a way that is not aligned with MY values or priorities. And how often each day do I do this?
If I’m being honest? Less quickly than I have in the past, but still too quickly. And more often than I would like to admit.
Unless I have walked in that other person’s shoes, passing judgment on any life decision that they have made is not only detrimental and limiting – it can be harmful. To me. And to them.
Harmful Effects of Judging Others (And Ourselves)
Judgement can serve us throughout our day. It can help us to make healthier decisions and to avoid possible dangers. The judgement that I’m talking about here is that which we pass on others’ choices, decisions, and how they may be living their lives.
Judgment Takes Away Trust
As our loved ones watch us formulate negative opinions about ourselves and others, it can whittle away at their trust, creating negative mindsets in those around us. It may make others hesitant to express their opinions and feelings around us for fear of being not heard.
Alternatively, if we are creating an environment of acceptance and learning, those around us will likely feel safer and less concerned about vulnerability.
Judgment Prevents All of Us from Considering Another Side of Things
I can remember years ago, watching my sister raise her children. As a mom, I was a control freak and our family was on a schedule. We had scheduled bedtimes and mealtimes. We had to have a green veggie of some sort with meals. We got outside every day.
My sister took each day as it came. If they were out and the kids were hungry, they ate. It could be 2:00 in the afternoon or 11:00 at night. If they were out and having fun, the kids could sleep in the car or fall asleep when they got home. There was no schedule and seemingly no rules from my vantage point. I shook my head, not understanding how someone could live like that and raise kids under those “conditions.”
But, my sister raised two great kids. Who are sweet. Who know how to treat others. Who love their families. Who work hard. So, who is to say her way is wrong and mine is right? And, as I look back on my parenting, it would have been healthier for all of us if I had been a little bit more relaxed. Less regimented.
Instead of judging her, I could have watched and learned. Just because it’s different, doesn’t mean that it’s wrong. We all have lessons to learn from each other. So, rather than watch someone and judge, we can watch them, take what aligns with our values and priorities and leave the rest!
Judgment Is Unhealthy
Studies show that judgment can increase our feelings of stress and depression. This, in turn can affect us physically, especially on this side of 50.
We need to turn this around and lean into compassion. Empathy. Kindness. Towards ourselves and others.
Along with an openness to learning a new or different way of doing something. Walt Whitman encouraged this when he said, “be curious, not judgmental.”
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Do you think that you lean towards being judgmental? Are there times where you’ve watched someone do something differently than the way you do and you took something away from it that you might be able to incorporate?
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I have a manipulative mother and father who live with me in the summer. Every relationship they have they look at what can I take from this. It’s transactional and must be a win for them. I have been very harmed my entire life by this and got myself beholden to them by them giving me money to stay with me every summer. Bad decision and now I have golden handcuffs. Boundaries are my key to survival. Kids and rearing them is a grey area and other matters are more cut and dried. You can state what you believe is wrong and why and that’s all you can do on some matters while still loving the person.
Both my parents were manipulative and abusive; they did everything they could to make my life a living hell. I had to set boundaries or they would have destroyed me and my family. I cut ties as much as I could. A good friend advised me to do enough that I wouldn’t feel guilty when they died. Honoring your father and mother is dependent on whether they loved you, respected you. I am the oldest of 6 and received much more of the abuse than my siblings. Don’t let other people’s judgements take away your right to make informed decisions about your own life and family; those others have no idea what you have gone through in the past or what you are going through now. I would ask myself exactly how much you are ‘paying’ for the money your parents give you for their summer stay. It seems as if you are paying far too much in peace of mind having to endure your parents for an entire summer. I would find a way to replace that income so you don’t have to endure their harm to you. If your children have moved out, consider downsizing so there is no room for the parents. You are an adult now and get to make your own decisions about your home and who gets to visit, especially long term visitors (and your parents aren’t really visitors; they are short term renters). I wish you the best of luck. People who grew up with abusive (psychological or physical or both as mine were) parents have no idea what it is like; they should not even offer any kind of criticism of a life they never experienced.
Cheryse, I’m curious as to why you say you have “golden handcuffs”. Just because someone is family, you don’t need to accept their behavior. In some instances it is better to remove these people from your life. I think the reason some have such a difficult time doing this is because they “hope” that “one day” they will have the mommy or daddy they deserved and it never happens. Having grown up with a very abusive mother with multiple husbands who she allowed them to beat the crap out of me, I went through several long estrangements and then would try again. I finally quit trying in 2015. She didn’t respect “boundaries” and it was exhausting. Continuing to try doesn’t make me a better person and she will never provide me validation, so what is the point? There are senior services and section 8 housing options available. If you are willing to share, I am curious as to why you allow these people to remain in your home for months?
Judgement simply separates us from those who we are judging. I’ve become sensitized somatically to the experience of this separation, and find it to be a natural outcome of an organism that is interconnected with all. It has helped me to ‘host’ judgement when it arises tho, being aware of it, helps me not to identify myself ‘as it.’ Nice post, and by the way, my interpretation of “honoring thy mother and they father, ” is to live a life based in self respect and healthy boundaries, so good for you!
Every situation is different. We have no idea what is going on in another’s life. It’s not our job to try and run someone else’s life. These are things to keep in mind. Try to help if needed. Seek the positive. Be supportive.
This is excellent and such a valuable reminder to me and others. I, too, am trying to be less judgmental. And, I’ll have to read the other article you’re referring to about boundaries, as I missed it. With boundaries, usually the person most upset by the new boundary is the person who benefitted from the lack of a boundary.