How to Tell if a Man Is Ready for Long-Term Commitment

Part of the reason so many women avoid dating online is that it feels like a waste of time. I hear that plenty as a dating coach.

By my back-of-the-napkin calculations, less than half the people (men and women alike) on online dating sites are there because they are serious (and ready) for a long-term committed relationship.

The ones who know that’s not the case and are honest in their profiles, saying things like, “I am looking for an activity partner,” or “I am dating casually,” or “I’m looking for a companion to do fun things with,” are not my problem. My problem is with the ones who think they are ready and available and present that way but actually aren’t.

They are the ones wasting your time.

Here are the 4 types of men you will find on the sites:

The Uncommitted

These are the guys who are looking for fun, companionship, and sex. They want you for entertainment and are willing to be entertaining. They will happily text you, tell you about their lives, take you on dates, romance you, and take you to bed. But when you want to get serious about how to intermingle lives, they are confusing, non-committing, or just disappear.

As long as they are upfront that they are in an exploratory phase of dating, they will do no harm to you.

Now, I think after a divorce or years of being in a loveless or sexless marriage, or even after grieving the loss of a great love, a period of non-commitment is very healthy! It’s a time to get out there, feel alive again, learn anew what you like, have experiences, and have fun!

However, doing it with people who are looking for a long-term committed partner isn’t cool. For men and women alike, if you’re looking for fun and activities, use Tinder or say so clearly in your online profile. Don’t bother with the serious sites like Match and eHarmony.

They Think They’re Ready, But They’re Not

These are the guys who truly think they are ready to find their new partner, but they can’t seem to stop talking about their divorce or texting with an ex. They wish they were ready, and they do not know how to get over their past or detach from their ex.

Some of these guys are experiencing a health crisis, actively grieving, or dealing with an energy-consuming family issue that distracts them. They want you to be the bright, hopeful part of their day, but they cannot give you their full heart or attention because they are just not ready.

These men should focus on meeting people in real life and having casual hookups, telling the truth about where they are in their journey. In fact, it will be better for them to take more time off from the dating scene and sort out the lessons from past relationships until they can tell them as stories of growth.

For these men, meeting new people may be a temporary distraction from hard times, but disappointing potential partners tends to rack up the kind of guilt they may end up holding against themselves.

If you’re looking for something long-term and you’re dating one of these guys, turn him loose with love. If you two are meant for each other, he’ll come back once he’s done his work.

Uses Dating for Therapy

It’s understandable that a lonely man would end up baring his soul to a kind and generous woman he met on an online dating site. But the problem arises when he does not consider HER purpose for being there and HER needs.

I often hear the story from men that they eventually turn off the woman they’re dating simply because she no longer wants to lend a therapeutic ear to his problems when the actual relationship was going nowhere.

If a man needs therapy, it’s better to get a therapist. There are also peer-led support groups and all kinds of meet-up groups, where a man can express himself and get supported, so that he doesn’t come across as emotional or needy in your dating life.

If you are dating a man who gets the huge advantage of your ear and your advice but does not provide the same in return, that’s a red flag. He may be sending you the wrong message about the future of the relationship because while you may be bonding, you may also be ignoring your other criteria for a healthy relationship.

It feels really good to help another human being, and that is surely part of dating and long-term relationships, but it shouldn’t be the primary driver with a new potential partner.

Looking for Long-Term Commitment

These are the men who say it on their profiles and who act like that’s what they are looking for. Some signs of this are:

• He can talk about what he learned from past relationships.
• He can speak vulnerably about his feelings briefly and without a lot of drama.
• You don’t see or feel signs of any other relationships hanging around.
• Attention is consistently and predictably available for you with no major competition.
• His language communicates a desire for long-term commitment and shows signs he is ready.
• He will talk to you about everything from the most practical things like time, money and logistics to the trickiest things like sex, past relationships, and “liabilities.”

Want help talking about the hard stuff? Check out Laurie’s podcast episode, How to Handle Early-Stage Conflict When You’re Dating Over 50.

If you’re reading this, you might be dating someone in one of these categories. By naming them, it’s my hope that the truth can be told faster so the right people end up with their suitable companions.

Wondering whether you know what you want in love after 60? Check out The 3H Method!

Let’s Have a Conversation:

Which of these categories is most common in the men of your dating pool? Which category do you fall into? Do you think clarity in goals and expectations is important when dating?