Are World Events Affecting Your Relationships?
Never have I ever experienced a time where world events trickled down to touch down on such a granular level as our personal relationships. You hear people every day expressing sadness and frustration at the chasm between them and those for whom they care deeply.
The Elephant in the Room
For decades the go-to rule of ‘we just don’t talk about politics or religion’ appeared to work just fine. The elephant in the room was in the corner for all to see but we could still ignore it by pretending it wasn’t there. Now it seems that it has eaten its weight in grasses, leaves and tree bark because when in that room with others who are on the other side of whatever side you’re on, said elephant takes up every square inch of air and space; impossible to ignore.
Some folks are able to side-step around the big guy hoping not to get smacked by his tail, and others are choosing not to enter the room at all.
So how do we handle the awkwardness? Do we put those relationships on hold until this big elephant poop storm blows over? What if it doesn’t? What if it leaves a permanent poop stain?!
WE-lationships
One of the basic core tenets of a relationship along with trust, communication, respect, and empathy, is having shared values. What I hear people expressing is, “If they agree with this and that, then they no longer align with me and my values, so how can we be in a relationship?” That in turn understandably affects their sense of respect, communication and other crucial cogs in the relationship wheel.
I was speaking with a dear friend on the phone recently and she was talking about what a relationship is to her, and I thought she said, “It’s a WE-lationship” so I asked her if I could steal that, and she said “Sure, but what’d I say?!” I told her what I’d heard through the phone, and she laughed. We had both inadvertently created a new term that I was going to coin!
To be in any kind of relationship it must be a WE-lationship. It takes two – or more as the case may be!
So How Do We Navigate These Unchartered Times?
To be honest, I’m not sure there’s a one-size fits all answer. I’m also walking this path that has no other footprints before me to show the way. Sometimes I feel like, “You can’t get there from here.” (A line often attributed to the Wizard of Oz, but it’s not!)
Are we in a stalemate with our fellow players on the other side of the field?
There are various versions for this to play out:
- You continue to schedule time for each other, agree to disagree and choose not to talk about it.
- You talk it through, listening to each other’s understanding of the situation, with the agreement that if it gets too heated you get out of the kitchen and revert to #1.
- You avoid one another because it’s just too damn uncomfortable, and you know that if you talk about it, it could become the expiration date on the relationship.
- You take the elephant by its tusks and say what you want to say, come what may.
Often, when we’re forced to look at ourselves and others in the mirror, we see what’s behind the glass, revealing that we don’t like what we see. Hence, another reason to avoid it. This can be especially hard when it’s someone we’ve been close to, sometimes for our entire lives.
Staying True to What Matters to You
It’s rough seas right now for many of us, and if you are also experiencing the severity of severed relationships, you are not alone. Lots of feels are surfacing as we try and maneuver through this time, and while we may mourn the loss of some people, I believe that the WE-lationships we choose will be stronger and healthier.
The bottom line is that we need to stay true to ourselves, whatever that means for you. Whether it’s vowing that nothing, no matter what, will affect your relationships, or if you just cannot have one with someone who would support what is happening in our country, or somewhere in between; I say be true to yourself and own it.
My fears, thoughts and feelings about all of this manifested recently in a spoken word poem, and if you’d like to hear it on my Loving Later Life Podcast, click here and if you’d also like to see the video on YouTube click here.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Have you had challenges with friends or family because of global and/or domestic events? What are some solutions you have found to handle it all that work for you?
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I just saw this. Most of my friends are open, liberal people. Some have a little conservative bend. Definitely do not want anyone in my circle who thinks Nazi/Fascism/T is okay. I don’t do well with authoritarianism.
Conversing politically of late is difficult even with people who are liberal and open minded. I suppose I am more of a moderate Democrat. I believe in taking responsibility, being accountable and term limits along with a few other things for the political types.
I’m okay with having friends whose political opinions differ from mine, but we’ve agreed to leave those discussions off the table. I do have a few former friends that I have disassociated with due to their extreme ‘wokeness’, which I cannot abide. I would never date anyone who was on the opposite side of things, however, because I believe that partners should be aligned, due to a value system that, at this point, goes further than just who you voted for. Conversely, I have a dear longtime friend who I rarely speak to, since she is so obsessed that it seems to take up her entire life. We are politically aligned, but I don’t want to be continually preached to. There’s certainly more to life than politics.
I can overlook a lot of things but being on opposite sides of politics is a deal breaker for me. How someone falls politically defines who they are. I cannot respect someone who supports this cruel administration.
It’s hard when spouses are on opposite sides. It makes me question the person he is deep down and what his values are. How can he support policies that are inhumane?
I think it is easier to be tolerant of friends with opposing views than to live with someone who thinks so differently. It definitely strains our relationship.
I’m recently estranged by choice from a much older sibling and the spouse. It’s complicated, but I’m choosing to protect myself instead of lying to myself any more. Truth is, my sibling never cared about me. I only wished it could be different and many times tried to fix what couldn’t be repaired. They are narcissists and I’m better off without them. Politics hasn’t played a role, because I have always tried to avoid discussions that could sink us. But their recent behavior towards me was the last straw. Our parents are dead, so I don’t have the same obligations that I used to have. I still feel guilty because I never thought I would be the one to estrange myself from a sibling. It’s sad at this time in my life(I’m age 62, sibling is 74), but it’s just how it has to be.
Hi. I am in the same boat as you with an older & younger sibling, both brothers. I’m 65 and miss them, but I couldn’t tolerate their ‘laying down the law’ to me. The death of our relationship was due to politics, sadly. They insisted that I either align myself with their political values or I’m no longer their sister. They are supporters of the ‘T’ administration and I cannot abide it. So I’m no longer their sister. Like you, our parents are gone, and most of my small, but remaining family, are closer to my brothers in age and political views. I feel alone, but I’d rather die alone with my self-respect than live a lie just to belong to those who clearly only want me to be the same as them. Before politics divided us, and we didn’t even know where the other stood politically, I was there for them when they needed me, but they had excuses when I needed them. So nothing would be different anyway.
Carolyn,
I’m sorry it’s taken that turn in your family, as in so many others. How we as a society can be so divided is a sad circumstance of this modern age. I can’t really make sense of that. Just shake my head in disbelief at times.
It’s sad about the reason if it’s viewed as a political choice. But it’s deeper than that, isn’t it? In two years or five years or longer, the political situation will change. Will the thousands of broken families reunite or are we all just willing to let our family ties die?
in addition to splitting with my brother, I’m currently having a parting of the ways with my sister, who can be a bully and says and does cruel things (unloading on me gives her the feeling we have “cleared the air,” and she feels better, whereas I’m left beaten down). There is a payoff for her but it crushes me and doesn’t faze her a bit.
My Mom used to say I was too sensitive and “wear my heart on my sleeve.” I’ve since learned that our dysfunctional family isn’t as uncommon as I thought. I’ve tried to bite my tongue and love my siblings unconditionally (in my own mind, if not theirs). But I’m done being a martyr. I deserve respect.
Take politics out of it-where is our common ground as family? Nowhere, perhaps. Just a mirage and figment of my imagination. I guess it’s just not important enough to try to maintain our family ties. I think it’s pretty common to become estranged. It feels bad and I will grieve the loss but there will be relief as well.