Short Story: Begin with Self-Reflection
Time and reflection change the sight little by little ’til we come to understand.
~ Paul Cezanne
Viviane, a 29-year-old millennial, has been feeling increasingly distant from her 62-year-old mother, Dru. Despite their love for each other, conversations between them often lead to misunderstandings and frustration.
Viviane feels that her mother has not considered their relationship as adults and doesn’t fully grasp the challenges and perspectives of her generation. Dru struggles to relate to the evolving values important to her daughter and suffers because their relationship is no longer as spontaneous and easy going as it once was when Viviane was a child.
Recognizing their desire for healing, Claire, an old family friend and skilled counselor, suggested a unique approach. She encouraged Dru’s idea to initiate a heartfelt exchange with her daughter by asking thoughtful, open-ended questions to pave the way for understanding and trust. This would allow both women to see each other’s experiences more clearly.
Foremost, however, Claire underlined the need for self-reflection and the importance of knowing oneself. She suggested that Dru explore and answer a few questions of herself ahead of their mother-daughter talk.
Claire handed her three she’d written down to think about.
“Shall I read them out loud?” asked Dru.
“If you’d like,” responded Claire. “On the surface, they’re self-explanatory but they require – a priori – letting go of having to be right and of ‘making a case’ for yourself. It’s as if you become a neutral observer.”
“A neutral observer with no ax to grind. It also means maintaining a nonjudgmental disposition from the start. Too often I’ve held onto my side of the story for dear life – but this backfires and entrenches our differences.”
“Question #1 then?” Claire smiled.
“Have you fairly considered the causes of friction? It feels like fairly is the word to be examined here. While I feel like I know my daughter, we have not discussed the wide-ranging attitudes that contribute to our disharmony. In the past, I must confess, I have identified my side of the story as being the most accurate. Obviously, this frame of mind is not conducive to being able to immerse myself in another point of view and truly acknowledge it.”
“So, NO to the first question?”
“Right. I’ll need to make a special effort not to react by defending myself, and to use my creative imagination to see through Viviane’s eyes.”
“And Question #2?”
Dru read the question deliberately: “Are you ready to hear what may be uncomfortable about yourself without becoming defensive?”
She sighed deeply.
“Wow, I don’t know. I’ve always thought that having goodwill and love would mitigate any major miscommunications between us. It’s obvious to me now that reflection and dialogue are necessary because the causes of friction are complex.”
“Unconscious behaviors can hurt others, even when they’re not intended to do harm,” confirmed Claire, “and we’re all blind to aspects of ourselves. Close family and friends can help reveal them to us.”
“You’re right. Showing vulnerability… being humble… seeing my own shortcomings… absolutely essential. I’m ready to do that.”
Dru stopped to ponder for a moment. “This preparation is harder than I thought, but it’s making me more aware of how much I’ve assumed and left unsaid in our conversations.”
“I’m sure Viviane will be candid with you when she feels your earnest wish to create a healthier, more holistic relationship,” Claire assured her. “Which dovetails with Question #3 (and you’ll probably think of others).”
“Do you have unreasonable expectations about yourself and your daughter?”
Dru was quick to reply: “Yes, it’s definitely unreasonable to expect us to always agree and for her to always be happy. Or for me to always find a solution for every problem. We need to explore ways of lightening up. Forming new memories. Sharing adventures as two adults.”
“Your sacred mother-daughter bond will remain, but to be seen fully for the grown women you are today expands the possibilities for completeness,” Claire commented.
“And I have to realize, too, that Viviane may want other things from me. Maybe she longs for a vacation solo since her obligations keep her busy when I’d choose an outing together. Maybe she’d prefer an attentive ear to hearing the ‘5 Easy Steps to Overcoming Obstacles.’”
They laughed.
“Gosh, Claire, this question exercise broadcasts that for all the talking we’ve done as mother and daughter, I have only tentative and partial perceptions.”
“With patience and perseverance much can be accomplished. And, of course, it’s best to not attempt to rectify everything all at once because personal narratives – what we tell ourselves about ourselves – run deep. It involves effort to root out misconceptions, so take whatever time is needed, without rushing.”
Claire left Dru alone to think.
How exactly would she and Viviane build a stronger, more empathetic relationship? Dru was determined to learn, but first she would begin with self-reflection and promise herself from this day forward to listen and contribute to their dialogue equanimously and without judgment.
How About You:
Have you delved into self-reflection exercises? Which questions have you reflected on? What was the result? How often do you do this kind of exercise?
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I’ve struggled with the ambiguity of knowing myself (self-reflection) or believing what others tell me I am. If I listen too intently to others, I open my vulnerable self up to thoughts that every wrong thing is because of me and I must change myself to please others. No doubt it’s critical to be considerate and respectful in interactions, but I’ve spent way too much time in my past adapting to others to keep peace thus losing myself in the process. Like so much of life, it’s a balance.
Through life experience we come to learn what and who to listen to and what and who not to. There is no easy or quick way to reach this understanding. Self reflection also means that we have a relationship with ourselves, trusting that ever-present voice that never steers us wrong. Adapting to other people’s desires is fine if your own important desires are not overridden. The “if only’s” are purely hypothetical. Who knows if things would have been better … they could’ve been worse! Balance is absolutely key. Thank you for your thoughtful comment, Joan.💛
“Viviane feels that her mother has not considered their relationship as adults and doesn’t fully grasp the challenges and perspectives of her generation.” Viviane should also work to understand the challenges and perspectives of her mother’s generation. It does go both ways.
The mature person should take the initiative and, of course, Viviane needs to be brought to a point where she wants to know her mother’s perspective and how she lived. In many families, it’s part of the family culture to have told stories about growing up and one’s past experiences. But there’s always more we can learn from each other. The main thing is to create an atmosphere of respect between the younger generation and the older generation.
Absolutely agree with you. Especially if the daughter expects her Mum to do things for her, babysit her children, help with household chores. If Mum is of an age where things are becoming more difficult surely this needs understanding by the one who is in her prime. So “both ways” but perhaps actually easier for the younger of the two. Sometimes the younger one simply refuses to try to understand the viewpoint of the parent, and in so doing totally disregards the wisdom and experience gained over the years.
In the situation you describe where the mother is expected to pick up most of her daughter’s slack, there is an obvious lack of respect, not a mutual empathetic give and take. Nor goodwill. The presence of goodwill would be felt as a positive and supportive dynamic fostering trust and mutual appreciation. Work would first need to be done building such respect and understanding how respect manifests itself in human relationships.
It would be great, if the process involved the “other party” being asked the same questions. In that manner, both parties would be provided the opportunity to learn from the “questions”. This allows them to utilize the experience in the future with all relationships.
Christine, it probably goes without saying that whoever is on “the other side” would engage in similar self reflection and would have a mentor as wise as Claire. Even our language separates people. Taking sides. Holding your position. Eventually, when true understanding comes, that separateness dissolves.
I’ve started work writing a memoir, the ultimate exercise in self reflection. The process has been both painful and uplifting as new understands have been revealed.
Debra, best of luck with your memoir. It’s an enormous undertaking and probably one of the most revelatory exercises we can engage in at this stage of life. Optimally, we have developed the honesty, courage, and wisdom to truthfully tell our story, complete with all its unique drama.