How to Injure Yourself Without Leaving Home

My brother recently sent me a comic about aging. The first panel shows a very young man, arm in a sling, telling his neighbor that his injury was caused by falling off a house and then getting hit by a car. Panel two is the man, now middle-aged, with the same injury, but this time he is explaining he broke his arm slipping on wet grass. Panel three? Now a 70-year-old? He proclaims he broke his arm by opening a jar of pickles.

Silly Injuries After 60

For about a year, I have been collecting stories from friends and family about the strange injuries we experience as we age. These are not injuries caused by hiking down mountains or moving a couch into your son’s basement. These are surprisingly long-lasting injuries caused by sleeping, chewing ice, or turning my head too quickly. Things that wouldn’t have dented my younger self can now put me out of commission for weeks.

A video by Sandy Hill Edwards, an “older influencer,” whatever THAT means, showed up in my social media feed recently. Clearly, the algorithm knows both my age and my recent medical history. In the video, a woman is standing on a stepladder in flip-flops, painting a wall near the ceiling. “Stepladder in flip-flops” sounds like the beginning of a poem or the end of an emergency-room report. She wonders aloud whether falling would increase the visibility of her post.

Not a One-Person Thing

Apparently, it might. The video has been shared thousands of times, but the hundreds of comments reporting other weird injuries are what caught my eye.

One person slept on her side and woke up with a shoulder that no longer worked.

Another described stretching in bed as a game of “Will this feel good, or will I pull something?”

These are my people.

I am not qualified to tell anyone how to avoid getting injured at home. Serious injuries are no laughing matter. These are not those injuries. After listening to friends, family, and hundreds of wounded commenters, I believe it is time to take a lighter look at the ridiculous ways we manage to hurt.

Because nothing makes suffering more manageable than putting it into an organized list, I have divided these injuries into four categories.

1. Easy Injuries

Let’s start with the simple ways to hurt yourself.

These require no special equipment, skill, or even noticeable movement.

• Get out of bed too fast and trigger vertigo. My eyes spent the next several days trying to spin in different directions.
• Wash the baseboards and drive a wooden sliver under your fingernail. I accidentally gave myself the bamboo-shoot method of torture. YOWZA!
• Choke on your own saliva while sitting perfectly still. My sudden coughing fit was both embarrassing and alarming since I was in a doctor’s waiting room. (I know this isn’t exactly an injury at home, but the indignity of this stays in my memory.)
• Pull a muscle while fastening a bra or reaching for the water on your nightstand.
• Hurt yourself while exercising specifically to prevent yourself from getting hurt. Yoga is supposed to strengthen my back. Not put it into spasms.

2. Let Gravity Help

Gravity is free, and according to my eighth-grade science class, it is very dependable.

• Break your toe by going DOWN the stairs when you are in a hurry.
• Fall UP the stairs and land on your face.
• Bend over to pick up the soap in the shower or socks from the floor and injure your back for several weeks.
• Grab an item on the top shelf of the garage and watch in slow motion as it falls on your face.
• Trip over an object you already noticed and specifically reminded yourself not to trip over.

3. Household Equipment

Everything in the house is harmless until you touch it.

• Check a knife to see whether it is sharp. You know the rest.
• Break your finger while tucking in a sheet.
• Turn around and slam into an open cupboard or dishwasher door.
• Burn yourself on a curling iron or glue gun. Will it be hot if I touch it to see whether it is hot? Um. Yes.
• Hit your knee on furniture that has been in that same location for more than 20 years.

4. Advanced Study: Recliners

When standing, walking, and bending become hazardous, you might decide to stay safely seated. Do not relax yet. The recliner has plans for you.

Season the Occupant

Sit in a La-Z-Boy containing old pizza spices and discover that oregano can travel to places where no spice has gone before. I wrote about that particular situation here: Spicy La-Z-Boy on 60 & Me.

Make Peace with the Inner Workings

Sit in a broken recliner and get cut by the exposed metal mechanism.

Attempt Multiple Bodily Functions

I met a man who once sneezed, hiccupped, and passed gas simultaneously while sitting in his recliner. He broke a rib. This story has been retold for decades in my family.

Become Trapped

Lie back fully in an electric recliner just as the power goes out. Realize you will remain there until help arrives. Is this an appropriate use of your medical alert button?

Achieve Flight

Overcompensate for the deep guttural grunt normally required to leave a chair and allow the recliner to catapult you into the room.

Experts recommend making your home safer as you age. I recommend finding a young person to make your bed, avoiding sudden movements, and never trusting upholstered furniture. Unfortunately, remaining perfectly still can cause stiffness and the need to snack continuously. There is no safe choice.

Please protect yourself by leaving the house immediately, unless there are stairs.

Let’s Talk About It:

What’s your crazy injury story? We are here for you.