Taboos? Four Things People Don’t Talk About Enough
I am so proud to be of our generation. I doubt there has ever been one that has experienced the vast amount of changes that we have. Remember life before the internet, computers, mobile phones, space travel, online shopping, food delivery? :) It has been a roller coaster ride for sure as so many of the changes affect our lives, but we have learned more than we could have imagined and embraced so much.
And yet, there are still things that have not changed, for example ‘taboos’. Things which, for whatever reason, we keep to ourselves or struggle to talk about. Let’s get some of them out in the open…
Death
The one thing we know that we will face at some point is death. It is totally natural and completely inevitable, and yet we go through life, rarely, if ever, discussing it. I don’t think it should be such an off limit, mournful or sad topic. Letting your loved ones know your wishes can save a huge amount of worry, anguish, guilt, especially at a time when they are grieving.
I have compiled an ‘After I Have Gone’ folder with my wishes, important documents and information I would like my loved ones to have handy. I want to make things as easy as possible after my death, and it brings me comfort knowing I have done this. It was put together with love, and my family will know that.
I also do not wish to have a big funeral. Personally, I would like a cheap coffin (they are going to burn it immediately!), no mourners, and my family and friends to have a toast to me wherever they are in the world. That would make me smile.
Also read, 14 Easy Ways to Keep Funeral Costs Down.
Estrangement
Being estranged from your children or family is tough for everyone involved. In an ideal world we would all play happy families, knowing that we will be together until the end. In reality, this is often more fairytale than fact. Many of us have brought up strong, independent children who have their own expectations and views of life, which may not concur with ours.
Sometimes it can be hard to know how to begin to reconcile, there may have been words said in haste and a great deal of hurt involved. A short letter (or email) can be a good place to start. Keeping it simple (not passive/aggressive), perhaps asking to meet for a chat. In my experience (I was a psychotherapist for 20 years), often the initial reason for the estrangement is long forgotten, but the division can remain. If possible, always keep your door, and your heart, open.
Loneliness
To be on your own, is not the same as being lonely. You can be lonely in a relationship or even surrounded by a crowd. Conversely, you can be on your own and really enjoy it. Each individual knows what amount of companionship meets their needs and makes them happy. If you feel lonely, the most important thing to do is to talk about it and let others know.
Sometimes, as we age, we might become lonely though circumstances… mobility issues, losing friends/loved ones, retirement, moving to a new area, insufficient money, ill health, etc. Fortunately, technology can help us keep in touch with others, even when we are far away. Through technology, we can connect with family members, friends, old school unions, on-line communities, social media groups, hobby clubs, etc. If you are able to get out and about, local community groups or volunteering are great ways to meet others with similar interests.
Loss of Independence
Many people are fortunate to live a long and active life, but the thought of losing our independence is something most of us think about, at one time or another. Few of us can predict how our health will be in the future; the best we can do is take as much care of our mental and physical well-being in the present. Personally, while I am still relatively fit and able, I am taking a few small steps that may help as I age.
Having recently moved, I am designing my garden for ease of access and maintenance, as it is somewhere that provides a great deal of pleasure for me. I have also related to my children that as far as possible, I would like to remain in my own home.
Each one of us has a different view on how we would like to live our final years. For some, the welcome company of others in a residential community suits their needs perfectly, while others may prefer to stay at home, perhaps with the help of family, a gardener, cleaner, or other support. Giving it some consideration while you are able, can help minimise the loss of independence as you will feel you have some control.
Talking is always the best medium for change. I hope our generation paves the way for future ones.
Please Join the Conversation:
Is there a subject you feel doesn’t get talked about enough? Have you experienced estrangement? Have you made any preparations for after you have gone?
My situation is lengthy. I have always thought that my son and I had a wonderful relationship, until one day he got honest with me. My son is 36 and my daughter in law is 27, their oldest child is a girl 8 years old (she was a baby when they met), the middle child is a boy 5 years old, and the youngest a boy 2 years old. There has been a noticeable strain on mine and my daughter in laws relationship since the day they were married, I think we were fine until that day, they had been together 3 years, and the second child was almost a year old when they were married. When we returned from the wedding my daughter in law told me that they had the biggest fight the night of their wedding about me. She never told me why and I let it go but continued to feel tension. We live in the same town, and I am retired and have always made myself available whenever they need me for anything. My daughter in laws mother lives 30 miles in another town and is 21 years younger than I am and still works. I have felt a little envious of her mother because the children get to go with her and I feel like they have to go with me. That is on me and is my own insecurity. My first issue with the oldest grandchild was a situation where I had the middle child staying with me and the oldest was staying with the other grandmother, I took both the children swimming and when I was taking the oldest back to her other grandmother, she told me that her brother would not be going with me, I told her no that is not the plan and we would be sticking to the plan, she threw a fit and since that day almost a year ago she has only stayed with me if there was no other alternative and she brings her electronics and sits off to herself and uses her electronics. At the start of this school year my daughter in law asked if there was any way I could help with the middle grandchild and pick him up daily from a preschool that he was enrolled in. This is his second year of going to this school and his mom picked him up after school the previous year. When his mom picked him up, they made a daily stop at a gas station convenient store and got treats, he asked me about stopping and I explained that I would not be able to stop everyday but we would occasionally. He didn’t like it and asked often, I finally told him if he asked again, we would never stop. I would stop different places occasionally. Well, it is nearly the end of school year, and he asked if we could stop, I told him no not today, and he proceeded to tell me that he hated me. It wasn’t the first time that he had said that I usually would tell him that I was sorry but that it was okay because I loved him and always would. But this day it really hit a cord with me, I told him that we will never stop again, and I really didn’t care if he hated me. When his dad came to pick him up, I told him that his children were spoiled brats, and I would be happy when school was out, and I could just be the grandmother, and they could come to visit when they wanted to not because they had to. After that my daughter in law told me that she would pick him up, so I didn’t have to. I always attend any event I knew about, so I went to a Tee Ball game a few days after that, when I got home, I got a call from my son, he said what are your thoughts right now? I told him what do you mean? He said what are you thinking, I said that I want to start feeling comfortable saying no when I am asked to do for them. He said that he has never wanted me to do anything for them, which I believe, he has never asked my daughter in law always asked me. My son suffers from anxiety and realizes it but internalizes it mostly, he has made comments, and I try to listen and just have an open ear. He has a stressful job and sets the bar very high for himself in everything he does, he wants to be the best dad, husband, employee, have a perfect yard, clean house and be the one that holds it all together. Well after that he told me that I have always been the cause of his anxiety, that I have always made him feel guilty. With that information I started apologizing, and he said, see there you go, that’s what I’m talking about you are just trying to make me feel guilty. I decided that there wasn’t anything that I could say so I ended the conversation. A few days later there was another Tee Ball game. I went to the game and my son approached me gave me a hug and apologized. We have not talked about it, it has only been a couple weeks, and I have only seen my son and grandson at Tee Ball games. I have spent a lot of time trying to research and see what I can do without making matters worse. I have gotten a lot of answers and also realized how I really need to let go a little. I also need to mention that picking my grandson up from school every day while heartbreaking was a great pleasure and I wouldn’t have traded the time for anything in the world. Any suggestions or comments are appreciated.
Hi Cheryl, thank you for joining the conversation. I can feel the pain in the words you write. I cannot comment on your situation as it is very complex, and each one is unique. What I can say is each generation is different, with different values, expectations, beliefs, etc. Also we have the advantage of having lived a long life. I often consider how I would have reacted if I was 20/30 years younger.
There is a huge amount of love between you all. Take your time, relax a little, and keep your door, and your heart, always open. Sending you my love. Lily x
Dear Cheryl,
The ‘key’ to your long letter is, “I really need to let go a little”. Remove the word little and do not substitute. If you need help, talk to a therapist or your minister. You have a relationship with a very patient son and his family. How lucky you are!.
Thank you all so much for sharing your stories. It can feel like we are all alone sometimes. It is good to know we are not alone.
May we all be reunited with our loved ones.
Hi Monica thank you for joining the conversation. That is a lovely thing to say. I love how our community support each other:). Lily x
A “social butterfly” will love the organized activities provided by some Senior residents but it’s not for everyone. No matter the circumstances once near 80 years of age we all need to begin getting rid of all the ‘stuff’ accumulated over the years and it will be ‘stuff’ to any other, not a treasured object that evokes memories. Start giving things away: local Parks and Rec programs offer Bingo and Cards for seniors and are always looking for prizes to give. Donate.
Hi Katie thank you for joining the conversation.That’s a very good idea! Lily x
I was struck by two things in this article – the accuracy of the taboos and the chords it struck in others (all of the responses!), myself included. Two sharing comments – my only child, daughter, is following the emotional footsteps of my narcissistic ex-husband. It saddens me greatly to have to have strong, well-defined boundaries when around her. The second comment – death. My mom planned most of hers and one of our sharing moments when she was in hospice was writing her obit together. She initially was very reluctant to the idea until I read her the obit I wrote for myself when I was diagnosed with breast cancer (I didn’t want to leave this detail to my daughter). We laughed together, we ad-libbed what she WANTED to say but edited it out for decency’s sake and produced her letter to the world….in her words. She clearly was happy with the end result and I was happy I didn’t have to write it alone.
Hi Stacy, thank you for joining the conversation. Most of us have things that we don’t openly talk about, and it can cause a huge amount of hurt and pain. That was a lovely thing you did for, and with, your mom. I hope it brings you comfort. Lily x
Loving this article , and amazed at how many responses and forthright shares on the topic of “estrangement” ! I too have experienced this over the generations right from grand parents families . Nothing to be proud of . Working on healing at my own level and for the generations to come. Working on the maximum within my circle of control.
Another possible taboo subject could be “Intimacy at 60+” ?
Hi Holly Ann, thank you for joining the conversation. Thank you too for your kind words :) I am wondering whether to write another article as there are so many Taboos. I think Intimacy After 60 would be a good one to add. Thank you. Lily x