Why People Are Difficult and What to Do About It
Think about the person who frustrates you the most. Perhaps it’s a family member, colleague, neighbor, or friend. Maybe you find yourself thinking, They just don’t seem to get it, or Their behavior is completely unacceptable.
Wouldn’t it be nice if they would change? Life would be simpler, easier and more peaceful if they would just correct their behavior, right?
Inaccurate Expectations Create Disappointment
Any time we are frustrated by another person, it’s because they are failing to meet our expectations of them.
We have expectations for all the people in our lives, in fact. It is a rule book for how we expect a person to behave. Why do we have such rule books? It is so that we can feel how we want to feel: understood, supported, cared for, and loved, to name just a few.
- If only they would realize that I’m not “over it.”
- I can’t believe it. She told me that it’s time to “move on.”
- He should have never asked me out so soon after my husband’s passing.
- She should call me back when I call her.
- She should realize that all she does is complain.
- They should have invited me to the party.
- She should be supporting me.
- They should know what I need.
Most often, we don’t tell people what’s in our rule book for them; we just expect that they should know, and act accordingly. While it seems like having expectations of other people is normal, it is actually the source of great pain because it makes our happiness dependent on the actions of another person.
It robs us of our power. It gives other people power over us. It prompts us to try to control others so that we can feel better.
We Have No Control Over Others
The truth is that adults have the freedom to behave however they choose. It happens all the time: people behave exactly how they behave. If you think about the people who frustrate you the most, you can probably accurately predict exactly how they will behave. Their words and actions are not a surprise to you, but they still violate your rule book, so you feel frustrated.
Feelings Are an Inside Job
We think that the behavior of other people makes us feel frustrated, or angry, or any other difficult emotion. But here is the truth: our thoughts create our feelings. Which is good news because it means that we have complete control over our feelings. All feelings are dependent only on your own thoughts, not the actions of another.
When someone behaves in a way that violates your rule book for them, you have a thought about it, and that thought is what directly creates your feelings. So, if you’re tired of feeling annoyed or disappointed or irritated, “try on” other true thoughts and see how they make you feel. For example:
- This is the part when the neighbors throw a loud party.
- That is exactly what she often says.
- Their behavior is predictable.
- She can’t possibly support me because she’s never walked in my shoes.
- He loves me in exactly the ways he knows how.
Thoughts like these probably generate more neutral feelings. These thoughts are a form of acceptance that indeed, adults behave exactly however they behave. This is not the same as condoning or approving of their behavior. It’s merely relinquishing the reigns of attempted control, because we are never able to control another person, anyway.
If we throw away our rule books for other people, they can no longer disappoint us with their behavior. We can let people act exactly how they act. We can stop holding them accountable for how we feel. And from that place, we can decide on next steps.
We can choose whether a boundary is necessary, or whether it’s time to complete the relationship. Or perhaps we continue the relationship as is, while simply redirecting our thoughts – on purpose.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
How have you dealt with difficult relationships in your life? Do you notice that you have rule books for how people in your life should behave? Have you thrown away your rule book for someone, and if so, how did that benefit you?
Tags Positivity
I needed this!! I haven’t slept for days because of a neighbour. He is an ex policeman with an uncontrollable temper. I can’t tell you what we have to deal with & yet other neighbours socialise with him & I feel like we are the ‘bad’ one’s. How to live in close proximity to a horrid person is a worry for me.
It takes a few outings to learn about people. Once I start noticing self-absorption, it’s a real turn off for me. Preferring easy relationships with ease people who are fun is what I like.
Met a new friend and we shared some activities. I had to have surgery and asked if this person could take me to the surgi-center. They immediately replied, ‘depends if it is on one of my hiking days.’ And, that was just the beginning of the self centeredness with that purpose. Non-stop talking about themself. It got old fast. That told me all I need to know.
This article is exactly what I needed right now – God always provides – not for myself, but a group that has fallen apart because others are offended by one of the members. I have never felt that – but accepted the individual’s brusqueness and authoritative manner. This is not saying “wonderful me” but I won’t allow my own internal self to be miserable because of someone else’s behavior or manner.
I will share the comments – Our thoughts create our feelings and we can control our own feelings. Small children actually have difficulty controlling their feelings – so good to be a grown-up.
we as good human beings do have certain expectations but if we meet or know some one who is down right nasty, then it is their fault bc certain traits are just not acceptable
Great article and you can see by the comments, it resonates with many people. Deciding to
compartmentalize (“I can navigate this sister relationship during family gatherings”) is
doable. Co-workers are much harder and you may have to actually stage an intervention
with that person (or with others) to say, “We would like to figure out a way to get through our workday without feeling this much stress. We feel upset when X, Y, Z happens.”
Not saying it’s going to work. You may have to take a deep breath and just deal with
that toxic co-worker, and mutter about it after hours.