The Ugly Truths of Spouse Abandonment After 60
The case of spouse abandonment plagues our world. In the common case, you think your decades-long marriage is fine, you even plan your retirement together – and then POOF! Your spouse, out of the blue, says these shocking words:
- “I’m leaving.”
- “I want out of this marriage. I haven’t been happy for years.”
- “We both know this isn’t working.” (But you didn’t know!) “I’m moving out.”
- “I want you out of the house. I don’t want to be married to you anymore.”
It’s devastating when your spouse of 20+ years suddenly decides to end a life-long relationship, especially when things seemed good to you, and there had been no signs that they were suffering.
You Get the Short Straw
But here’s where it gets sticky.
Trying to figure out the “why did they leave?” is going to slow down – or even stop – your healing.
You may end up spending months – even years – wracking your brain, trying to understand why your spouse just up and left when you thought your marriage was fine.
You may toss and turn in your bed at night, unable to sleep, trying to figure out if there was a certain day, or time, or life event, or something you said during your decades together that could have caused your spouse to decide they no longer wanted to be with you.
And you tell yourself, as you dissect the past, that if you get your answers, if your ex gives you the explanation that you are owed, then, and only then, can you get that closure and move on from your long-term marriage.
Ugly Truth #1: You May Not Get the Closure You Want
But lo and behold, that’s rarely the case as you may never get the closure you hoped for.
I know this truth stings, but it’s better to embrace it rather than fight it.
Does your spouse owe you an explanation of why they blindsided you?
Heck yes. It’s the decent, kind and human thing to do. When you were married to a person for years – even decades – and you stood by their side and made sacrifices for the sake of their wellbeing, you at least deserve an explanation and a heads-up.
But the truth of the matter is, a spouse who goes out of their way to just leave you hanging and did not think to give you an explanation when they left, will probably not provide one later either.
Their character shined through in the manner they chose to leave the long marriage, and it’s unlikely that they get a visit from the Human Decency Fairy and knock on your door to a) apologize and b) explain. Chances are, your hopes to get that closure you crave from them may very much be in vain.
Ugly Truth #2: Being a Detective of the Past Will Get You Nowhere
Of course, the logical part of you already knows that the past doesn’t hold the answers. But your heart is a completely different story.
“That’s BS! If I can only find a reason why, then I’ll be able to move on!”
“I can’t move on until they tell me why they changed after all this time.”
I get it. You want those answers, and you want to know why. You want to corner your ex-spouse, tie them up and sit them at a chair, where they cannot leave until they provide you with a full and concise explanation of what made them act that way.
Yes, you want to know why they left and how long they thought about it. Were they thinking of leaving the last few times you were at dinner together? When you were discussing retirement, sharing the bed, going on vacation? The list goes on and on.
You want to be the detective and look for clues as to why your spouse left. Often, you are guided by the belief that those clues to the past will make you feel better.
That all sounds great, but let’s suspend reality for a second. Let’s imagine your spouse gives you a full explanation – a line-by-line account, day-by-day – of why they left.
What do you expect would happen then? Do you think you’d feel somehow vindicated?
Probably not. In all honestly, it may have the opposite effect, and guess what?
The outcome is the same. You’re still going to be in the same place you are now, trying to figure out how to establish your independence at 50 and beyond. The only difference in this scenario is, you’ve spent more emotional energy playing detective than the joker who left you deserved.
Your emotional energy is finite during this recovery time. Don’t waste it on playing detective – invest it on yourself and your life after 50.
Ugly Truth #3: If You Want Closure, It May Have to Come from Within
Someone who left you without an explanation is someone who does not deserve to spend the rest of your life with you. It doesn’t matter if they were your spouse, co-parent or partner for years.
If they walk out the door without having enough decency to let you know why, you are better off finding the closure and moving on by yourself.
Their explanation won’t unlock your emotional recovery. Waiting on them to grace you with that honor, and wasting your time playing detective robs you of the precious time and energy that you should be investing in your own recovery, healing and moving on.
You Shouldn’t Figure This Stuff Out by Yourself
No one’s saying you have to go through this process alone. In fact, thinking you have to just “suck it up” can actually stifle your healing process, and that’s not cool, either.
There is a ton of resources out there that you can turn to for help, and many of them deal specifically with abandonment issues. A great place to start is Runaway Husbands, which has a supportive community of folks who all share a similar story – both men and women are welcome!
Let’s Have a Conversation:
What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the words ‘spouse abandonment’? Have you had to deal with this kind of thing in the past? Are you dealing with spouse abandonment now? What helps your healing process? What type of advice would you share with others going through the same difficult life circumstance? Please join the conversation below.
Tags Divorce After 60
Memories are akin to pages, ones from a favourite book or film.
I’m sure many on here will remember their first date, with those they came to love. I certainly do; Sunday 14th October 1990, the place we chose to meet for the day, Covent Garden and other parts of London. I’ll be truthful, I thought I was the luckiest person in the world, just to have that one date with her; I couldn’t take me eyes away from hers, in addition to this, unlike other women/girls I’d dated, I felt totally at ease with her.
Within a year we’d married, shortly after our children were born. It was all I ever wanted from life. I worked hard, provided for them, even went without at times, just so they could have what I thought they deserved. Even now, money has never interested me, it’s there, a means to provide for those you love. I’ve known, and still know some folks who were rich, but not happy, all due to the fact they had no one special in their lives.
We all age, as time progresses; sometimes we fall ill, other times less so.
I’m now in my late sixties, my wife was twelve years younger. A few years back, she fell ill, but though on permanent medication after, we carried on, both looking out for each other. If necessary I would have gladly given my life for her, including our children. For many years; I presumed that all was well. Sadly it wasn’t. I’ve come to realise that over time, a plan was hatched, funds from a joint account transferred to an account I had no knowledge of. Then the day came, it was unexpected, unwanted, and in it’s method… cruel.
It didn’t help that at the time my wife had some health issues (heart) and a few days prior to Christmas 2021 after taking my disabled sister some shopping, and prepping her dinner and tea, I arrived home, expecting to find my wife. After the usual shouts of “I’m home love” and not receiving any reply, either verbally or written such as a text, I began to worry, thinking my wife had collapsed somewhere. Frantic phone calls to some of her friends, received no reply; no texts, or emails, my brain was on overload. I even drove around the local town, checked the shops and cafes she sometimes visited, even the park. And laugh as you may; I even looked in wardrobes, the fridge freezer of all things and lastly the garage… but nothing.
It was then with a dry feeling in my mouth, I decided to grab a cup of tea, that’s when I noticed a small note, scribbled on a piece of yellow paper, all it said was “please don’t call or text me until Monday. As it was Friday, and I was concerned due to her health and the wintery weather, I sent a text asking if she was safe, warm and somewhere to stay?” A simple reply of “Yes, please don’t text me anymore until Monday”.
I didn’t understand what was happening, why it happened, and why I had to wait for an explanation, but wait I did, out of respect and love for her.
Monday could not come quicker; I wanted to ask many things but refrained from doing so, giving her the opportunity to tell me, but she never did, other than saying she wanted some space and time to think. And so I waited, I did as requested. Sleep was hard, I even collapsed one evening due to a lack of sleep, stress, and not knowing what to do.
Christmas day arrived; no one to share that special day with other than my German Shepherd dog. No human voices, even from my children, all who had their own lives to live, though my youngest son did call me later for which I was grateful. Waking up to utter silence, and having to endure it for a few days was soul destroying, I even ended up calling the Smaritians, such was my loneliness. Even taking my dog out for a walk in the local park was met with no one to talk to, other than my dog. I was that depressed, I took a large quantity of paracetamol tablets, but my dog must have sensed something and jumped up, catching my stomach which made me throw up. Tears flowed, until I felt as though I had no more to weep.
Boxing day arrived, the same, loneliness, silence and echo’s of crying. Not understanding, my brain working on overload; it was only after a small coffee and a solitary piece of toast I decided to check our joint account to ensure that all the direct debits had been paid, instead I could not access our joint account, why I had no idea? In addition to this, I also found I could not access the internet from my computer… why?
A couple of days later, I obtained the answers to my queries; it turned out my wife had changed the password on our joint account, in addition to this, she’d cancelled the Virgin media package, along with other things.
To say this caused me undue stress and anxiety is an understatement, I didn’t understand why, or for what reason? A visit to my local bank, enabled me to obtain info on the direct debits, and account balance. But I had to wait for a new pin number and password to access the online banking. I couldn’t even watch TV, instead a drive up to a local McDonalds, a coffee and the chance to access their internet on my tablet was all I had for a few days. Why my wife did this to me, I still do not understand, it’s not what I’d do, nor even think of doing.
Gradually the replies to the texts and emails I sent to her, dwindled to zero, and I found my wife sharing a home with someone else, add to this several years of transferring funds from our joint account into an account she’d obviously set up a few years ago, made me realise, her actions were planned, cold, calculated and cruel.
To sum this up, it’ll be four years this Xmas since she left me, I could understand if I’d been nasty or hurt her at anytime, but I honestly hadn’t, other than loving my wife unconditionally. I’ve just about given up on trying to find an explanation, racking my brain over and over, and going without sleep, it doesn’t help, instead it makes you ill, both physically and mentally.
And so I now share my life with my two adopted rescue Huskies, as my German Shepherd dog sadly passed away in late 2022, a day that felt as though I was the only living person on this earth, it affected me so much, I had a break down, and the whole incidents of those losses, has left me with depression. How do I cope now? I returned to work (fabrication engineer) even at my age of almost 69 and still relatively fit, and healthy, it’s enabled me to do what I enjoy, I also get to meet people, chat with both work colleagues and clients, and once again my life after years of been a full time carer; has structure, purpose and routine.
The only thing that hasn’t changed is the perpetual silence when I arrive home, other than the chat from my huskies, my best friends, my life, for without them, I’d most likely call it a day, due to having no peace of mind and perpetual loneliness at times.
Apologies for the Tolkien esq post.
Oh hell……… The whole thought about marriage seems to change. I’ve done more soul searching than I can stand. I’m not a bad person nor was I a bad husband. But she ended up with cancer that was also in her brain and POOF** I was instantly the enemy, kicked out of the house and the insanity started. Helpless. I fought to keep my head above water. I ended up losing my house that was paid for and strapped with a timeshare I can never use or pay for that haunts me to this day. She took a slice out of my pensions then gave away or sold every possession I owned and valued at the time. Sadly we had no idea she had the cancer…. I would have been with her till the end because that’s who I am.
Once she finished raking me over the coals, she up and died of cancer. Even in the end she couldn’t clearly justify why she did what she did. Now I fumble through life financially living my life day to day. Would I ever marry again…….. not a chance in hell. Do I regret ever getting married … 100%. I currently share a home with a great woman who’s similarly been thru hell. She pops up the marriage idea and I simply start going into PTSD mode…. I’d head for the door. I’ve been blunt with her. If she wants to marry I’m not the guy….. doesn’t mean I don’t love her.
Life is like a box of chocolates…… you never know.
It’s crazy when one would rather live on the street than do it again.
Hi David,
You’ve certainly been through a lot of hardships, but it’s not the marriage itself that was the cause of them all. Also, the woman you live with and claim to love, who knows what you’ve been through and has been through something similar, has more courage than you do. She at least would like to give you and herself a chance of normal life; while you simply want to run away like a scared little boy. Men used to be tougher and they used to be responsible.
This woman has not ruined your life but seems to be looking for a way to give you one.
This is so helpful for many, it sounds like. Never married, I see the fear some feel if their spouse speaks to me in a social group situation. Have to say something was off with this one male in particular…so fears founded, possibly. I think we have to remember that we don’t know much about life or marriage when we marry at the age we ‘should’. Then there’s how men are socialized/raised to be the ‘strong silent’ type (at least our generations). You can’t know the workings of that mind when the man, himself, may have little awareness of his own ‘feelings’. John Gray is a good resource for how men think/feel. Remembering that we are not ‘created’ equal, many of us males, and females, may learn, in our formative years, how to ‘survive’ and say or do the ‘right’ thing to ‘avoid’ the people in our lives or our circumstances…tough to break those habits without some introspection.
Dear Deb,
Thanks for your comment. Why would you say men and women weren’t created equal? Yes, they were, in the beginning. But that world is different than the world we live in today, where we all have been told to “fight” for equality and our rights and to dominate the other sex. The culture messes us up big time, and then we want everything to be okay. If we live by the culture’s rules and standards, we are doomed to fail at marriage.
Spouse abandonment is one of the hardest experiences we do not want to have. It is seriously painful. But even if we do not want it, it just happens. What can we do? The spouse decides what he/she thinks wants in life. No amount of explanation would heal the wound inflicted by it. So, why still expect a closure? Accept that he/she may not be happy with the relationship anymore. Think about your welfare and move on to another stage, without a spouse. Who knows you might find it better to regain your freedom after all. Just think that it happened for a reason. The reason will be revealed to you in due time.
I am a financial advisor and have been facilitating a Boot Camp 4 Divorcing Women Workshop since 2015. Other panelists include a family law attorney, private detective who is Chairman on the State Board, therapists and a realtor. I do multiple workshops annually.
Here are some patterns I have noticed:
Even if both the man and woman are decent people, once the baby comes, the woman forgets about her husband. As the child grows up, they are overscheduled with too many activities.
When the husband tries to “help” he is chided for not doing things HER way. Eventually, he stops trying because he can’t seem to do anything right. The wife picks up the slack and is pissed off.
They spend too much money, bigger house, more expensive cars, keeping up with “the Jones”. This causes additional stress. Live within and UNDER your means. Don’t make everything about the kids. They can have some downtime. Find a sitter. Go on a date.
Time goes by. Even a decent husband can be at the office and share a story and his thoughts and some woman thinks what he has to say is “interesting”. He has an affair.
He tells his wife he wants a divorce and NOW she is finally wants to work on the relationship. He’ll attend a few therapy sessions to say he “tried”, but he is already checked out.
Are there exceptions? Absolutely. One of the things I will tell women is even IF the guy was more wrong, you must take ownership of your own actions for your part in the breakdown and divorce. These parts often include criticizing, never satisfied and indifference.
For the commenter who mentioned women earn less. Most women over 50 chose lower paying “helping” careers, ie: teaching, social work, etc. Women have not been taught how to “negotiate” a better compensation package.
Women are always worried about their kids and will they survive financially yetl 90% are not involved in investment decision making and abdicate this task to their spouse. When they go through a major life transition, not only don’t they know the answers, they don’t even know the questions!
Find your own financial advisor. If you are divorced and have little to no experience, I would encourage you to find a female advisor. Be prepared that your lifestyle will not remain the same and you may need to work. If you receive any rehabilitative alimony, obtain additional education or training so that when it ends, you will be able to fill the financial gap.
Very critical of women
I did not find this answer, Rocket, hit the mark of what I learned as a professional and friend of some such abandoned women rarely matched your upper middle class description of older women in general, and older women who raised children and kept a lively, supportive household instead of rocketing into their own public career.
Not only are the women you painted as rather inadequate and assuredly typical, NOT typical, the masses of women who are NOT as you called :exceptions: are in fact common these days
Your words hearken back to the women straitjacketed in the 1950s and refused entry into the public sphere when married with children when the World Wars ended and society just wanted all women to be locked in the home dancing to the man’s tune, or bark
Please update your understanding of real women, not just focus on an ultra wealthy elite.
Wow. I’d hate to have to go through the devastation of divorce and end up in “boot camp” having to fend off assumptions about women and their “responsibility” for making marriage work that sound like something from the 1950’s. Never knew that financial advisors were trained and qualified to be dispensing advice regarding “ownership of actions” in a marriage.