Why Making Friends as an Older Adult Requires a Completely New Approach to Life
Whenever I watch children playing together at the park, it always reminds me of a giant chemistry experiment. Like atoms spinning through the air, boys and girls whirl around, bumping into each other. Occasionally, they come together in small groups, only to be ripped apart by unseen forces.
For most of our lives, our friendships are “accidental.” We sit next to someone in elementary school who happens to like trucks. After a few weeks, we are “best friends.” As parents, our own children tie us to each other in an intricate web of social relationships – some cherished and others that we wish we could avoid.
Then, in our 40s and 50s, things start to change. With our kids out of the house, we no longer have an endless stream of BBQs, sleep-overs, road trips and family vacations to keep us connected. Most of us are still working, but, on average, our careers have lost momentum. Many of us find our romantic relationships under pressure by the social, financial and biological changes that we are encountering.
We know instinctually that we need a new way of making friends, but, after 5 or more decades on this planet, we are reluctant to step out of our comfort zone.
The good news is that making friends as an adult is completely possible. It just requires a little effort – and, more importantly, a new approach. Here are a few suggestions.
Accept the Fact that Your Social Reality Has Changed
Self-awareness is the starting point for any meaningful change in your life. As a result, the first step to making friends as an adult is to accept the fact that your social reality has changed.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. The fact that you are having trouble making friends has nothing to do with your worth as a person. It simply means that your social circumstances are different.
Once you accept this simple fact, you will be more willing to make the changes in your life that will lead to a successful and fulfilling social life.
Chase Your Passions Not People
It may not feel like it, but, life after 60 is the perfect time to make new friends. Without school and family-related events to keep you busy, you have more time to focus on your passions.
Making friends as an adult starts with your passions. When you focus on what you love to do in a social environment, new friendships form naturally.
What do you love to do? Are there any passions that you put on the back-burner, while you were busy raising your family? Have you always been fascinated by a particular sport? Is there something creative, mysterious or wacky that you have always wanted to try? Are you ready for a career shift? Now is the time to pursue your passions, not people.
Get Ready to Take Some Emotional Risks
By the time we reach our 60th birthday, most of us have our share of emotional bruises. It’s not that we are cynical – but, our rose-tinted glasses are certainly more transparent than they used to be.
We realize that people are complex, love rarely conquers all and people are self-interested, even when they are helping others.
Making friends as an older adult requires you to find a balance between suspicion and trust, emotional risk and potential friendship.
Once again, the first step to overcoming our fears is to bring them into our awareness. Have you been hurt in the past? How has this impacted your desire to reach out to other people? Are you painting men or women with broad brush strokes? What are you most afraid of when it comes to building new friendships?
Take the time to understand your own fears. Then, ask yourself whether you are being fair to the world – and yourself. Making new friends as an adult is different, precisely because we know so much. Sometimes we need to learn to think a little less and trust a little more.
Share Your Thoughts:
What do you think the secret is to making friends as an adult? What have you done to improve your social life and make more friends after 60? Please join the conversation and “like” and share this article to keep the discussion going!
Tags Friendships
As an introvert, I don’t want or need lots of friends, and I love to have close friends. Because I’ve been part of different communities, this hasn’t been difficult until now. Last year I became 80 and have. noticed a difference. Friends are moving away to be closer to family. I also changed my primary community. I’ve made overtures to women to get to know them better, and haven’t found the invites reciprocated. This is frustrating. What I’ve done is reach out to women I was in community with in my 40s who live in another country and we now have periodic Zoom calls. Finding new friends in my 60s, even after moving countries wasn’t difficult. This decade of life, with women dealing with more health challenges and moving has been more difficult.
Hello….I thoroughly understand your frustration at finding a friend at a later time in your life. I live among 300 women and not one of them has become my friend. They are all in cliques and shut out anyone who wishes to be friendly with them. Not a nice way to live my life.
Yes, even in retirement homes they have cliques, my male neighbor went to one & they weren’t even nice to him ( the women). I tried to sit down at a round bingo table & all the seats were “saved” for their friends.
After retirement and moving house, I found the best way to get some social interaction was to really think about what I enjoyed, but never had time to do. So joined a bush walking group, asked a lot of questions beforehand and the found the courage to give it a go. So I stopped focussing on making friends and instead just went and enjoyed experiencing our beautiful bush land.
It all started with one friendly lady who welcomed me into the group and then allowing myself to enjoy ‘just being’.I dont go anymore as I moved house again and had to start all over again. I think the way to go is try something new that your interested in, forget about trying to make friends and just enjoy being with people who are like minded. The rest will take care of itself over time.
So today im attending a new sketching mini course and afterwards attend a writing group & ill just listen to others reading their stories. It takes time and patience.
I really appreciate this perspective, especially the reminder that our social circumstances change after our children leave home or retirement approaches. That shift alone can make friendship feel much harder than it used to.
One thing I’ve been exploring in my own writing is that shared interests and activities are often where friendships begin—but they aren’t always what makes them grow. I’ve been fascinated by how differently people actually bond. Some connect most naturally through shared experiences, while others need meaningful conversation before a friendship really takes root.
Understanding those differences has changed the way I think about adult friendship, and it helps explain why the same advice doesn’t work equally well for everyone.
A neighborhood book club helped me to meet people and we really enjoy our monthly discussion and one another’s company. I have made many friends with my political activism in the years I’ve been retired; however none of these are what I would consider really close friendships.
I joined a coffee group on Meetup.com Ladies coffee over 55. Have made so many new friends! We gather twice a week for coffee and often meet for happy hour twice a month.