My Grandfather’s Murder and Widow Resilience
As a child, I always knew I admired my grandmothers but never really realized all the reasons why until my paternal grandmother told me the story of how she lost her husband. Not sure how old I was when she relayed the details either. We always just knew that she lost her spouse, the father of her three children. Then she married by grandfather when my dad, the youngest of the three children, was five years old.
Before she told me the story, I understood that he had been shot, but I’m sure the adults in the family sheltered us kids from much more detail than that. It was one of those topics that no one really talked about, especially when grandma was in the room. So when she recounted the story to me, I had no idea how tragic it had been.
Long Story Short
The bottom line was that he had been mistakenly murdered (video of full story)! A loss is bad enough, but then to hear he was murdered, AND it was a case of mistaken identity, that was shocking to me. Grandma had driven downtown to meet the love of her life for lunch during his workday. He was sitting in the attorney’s chair in the next door office.
His buddy, a litigation attorney, had asked him to “phone sit” while he briefly stepped out since he was expecting a call he didn’t want to miss. A disgruntled criminal, just released from jail, came to the office door and shot my grandfather in the back, thinking he was the attorney who had put him in jail!
The even more heart wrenching part for me was hearing my grandmother tell me how she arrived on scene and for a split second contemplated committing suicide. She had taken the elevator up to my grandfather’s office and an officer stopped her as she got off. When she heard he was dead, all she could think about was running to jump through the big picture window at the end of the hallway. She was pregnant with my dad at the time.
Then she had to endure the trial of the man who murdered her husband. The stress of all that was mind numbing to me, even as a child. I could hear the despair in my grandmother’s voice. She was in her 20s at the time. Life was so good, and then it wasn’t.
My other grandmother lost her husband when he was in his early 50s. I still remember that ominous black phone in my parents’ bedroom that called to deliver the news. My mom cried and all four of us kids cried along with her, before we even knew what had happened.
Widows Grow Resilience
I watched my widowed grandmothers reinvent themselves to single women. Their loss didn’t go away, it became part of who they still were. They both moved to be nearer family. Their work professions took more of a front seat with the change in their finances. One remarried and the other did not, different reasons and circumstances for each of them.
Now, fast forward to seeing aunts, our mothers, friends, and clients also lose a spouse. The common trait is resilience in all of them. It never feels right to move forward. Yet our health and wealth depend on it. And it is what we would want for them and they for us.
My heart for women was impacted forever by my grandmothers (and now our mothers). And when I realized the reality of statistics many years ago, it stuck in my mind. Ninety percent of all women will be left solely in charge of their household finances. That’s partially because 80% of married men die married, leaving us single. I vowed to not make money an additional stressor, for whenever that time likely comes. And to help other women feel more peace with their financial lives as well. Hence my education passion business Mind, Money, Motion.
Widows, whether they remarry or not, deserve so much credit for what they endure. We need to support each other before, during, and after that life event. Maybe we can be more aware of who we know in that circumstance and intentionally become part of their resilience. We are all in this together.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Has a widow experience impacted your life? How is that resilience best nurtured? Can you share your thoughts on this topic? Please join the discussion.
Tags Empowerment
I lost my beloved husband, rather quickly 18 years ago. I was 47 and we had a 19 year old and a 14 year old. I was devastated. Sometimes it seems like yesterday. Other times it seems like a lifetime ago. I have to admit that the evening after the funeral, I felt like I could walk into the ocean and never come back. Mind you, we don’t live near the ocean and I am not a fan of the ocean. I felt so alone. He was such a great husband and father. We had a loving and fun marriage. I’m grateful to have had 27+ years with him by my side. As I face retirement, I keep thinking, this is not the way it was supposed to be. We were supposed to retire together. Widows are strong women. Knowing I had to take care of our two children gave me the strength to get up each and every day and put one foot in front of the other. I am a stronger and better person. However, THE hardest thing I have ever done was bury my beloved husband.
Lauren, it’s understandable when losing a spouse is THE hardest thing since it involves grieving in so many ways: losing your husband, the father of your children, your retirement partner, your enjoy life together friend. Despite all that, thank you for sharing that you are stronger and a better person.
4 months since I lost my beloved husband who, aged 66 and apparently healthy, died suddenly. The shock was like a punch n the stomach. He was away from home so there were many practicalities to deal with at a time when I could barely function. But somehow I did. Thrust into a world of post mortems and Coroner’s Office. Unable to have him brought home in time for a funeral before Christmas. But one thing I’m so grateful for is that I was fully versed in our finances, assets etc and knew exactly how to access all important documents. It was still tough but it made things so much easier than they may have been. We sat down once a month to go through the figures. So glad we did. I don’t feel like a very brave widow yet but I’m getting there.
Your resilience carried you through that punch in the stomach. And the financial awareness part made a traumatic shock more survivable. Any stress relief at that time is so helpful. Glad you found that to be true.
I have a close friend whose wife’s sister died, and left 2 young boys, and his wife adopted them and they are her sons to the full extent. She adopted them at the ages of 3 and 5. she is a mother of 2 other older boys, so she has a house full. My friend has been a father to all the boys and is a great provider and father.
I know this isn’t a unique scenario, but it is very active and close to me.
I’m a recent widow, 4 months. Bob’s death was sudden and unexpected. I was left with many burning questions.
He was hospitalized 67 miles from our home. I have no family, yet a 13-year-old White Sheppard who was home alone. We had made arrangements to transport him home the following morning. So, I came home as per the case manager to “prepare” for hospice. But when Bob arrived the following day, he was non-responsive. I never got to speak to him again. Does he forgive me for leaving him that last night? Did he know he was home?
He always refused to discuss his final wishes. Thought it was a bad omen. Does he approve of the decisions I have made?
This is the hardest journey of my life, and doing it alone makes everything harder.
No one prepares you for the loss of your beloved.
The silence is deafening.
Oh Peggy, my heart is aching for you as I read your experience. Loss is hard by itself and then even more difficult with some of the circumstances that were out of your control. If you can, connect with other women who have had some of the same experiences. No one else seems to truly understand your journey. Breathe deeply my friend.
Peggy, do you think your husband was trying to spare you some pain? I think when people refuse to discuss their final wishes it is often because they just don’t think they are important. It sounds like he had a lot of faith in you.
I wish you peace and healing.