Stretch and Kvetch: Yoga for the Realist

Whoops, I did it again. I got totally out of shape. Not partly, not a little, my whole body. My hamstrings, my calves, my shoulders and my biceps, my core muscles, my ankles and feet, and well my entire balance is off-balance. It’s hard for me to bend and squat and walk up or down the stairs. It’s been a slow decline, dating back to Covid days.

Over those years, there was some stretching and a lot of kvetching. Kvetch – from my Grandma’s native tongue Yiddish – is a person who complains a great deal. Like most Yiddish words it is a multifaceted complicated word; Kvetch, encompassing moan, grumble, whine, and all forms and degrees of complaining. I am guilty, I complained and did nothing about it.

And then summer came around again, and even that isn’t the motivator it once was. A few stylish loose dresses, a great new hairstyle, some big statement sunglasses, and I was set. Nothing could motivate me out of this malaise to get back into shape.

Just to set the record straight, I exercised my whole life. I was a City girl; it was part of my routine. Over my six-plus decades, I changed with the times, swimming, aerobics, step-class, cross-training, TRX, Zumba, and Pilates (which I fully credit with no height shrinkage yet). And yet to no avail, nothing was working.

The adage says: Move a muscle, change a thought. I decided, when all else fails, to start backward, Change a thought, and move a muscle. What idea would motivate me?

Humor! It always does the trick. When I can laugh at myself and be truly honest about my situation and my lack of intent, I can change it.

My Exercise of Choice

I share with you my prescription for getting back into shape with Yoga:

Drug Name: Yoga Exercise

Generic Names: Bend & Pretend; Sweat Sesh; Pain & Gain; Zen & Tonic; Stretch and Kvetch; Jog of Shame; Huff and Puff; Muscle Hustle.

Brand Names: Yoga Practice; Yoga Session; Yoga Class; Yoga.

Patient Information

• Name: Sofa Siren
• Age: 63 and one-half years old
• Health: Overall average health, limited medications. Physical strength waning. A former city dweller who walked 10,000 steps per day now drives everywhere. Mostly retired, volunteers, writes, and primarily sits on the sofa as her base of operations.
• Clothing Size: All clothes are medium or size 10, but she is closer to a generous 12 and a large.
• Lifestyle: Cultivated lifestyle where most items needed are within reach, avoiding bending, lifting, or extensive physical work. Gardening is done on raised beds, and the heaviest item lifted (approximately 6 pounds) is the watering can, which is not lifted higher than waist level.

Primary Objective

• Stop being a lazy couch potato.
• Enhance physical and mental well-being through structured physical activity.
• Gain the dual benefits of exercise to promote physical fitness and mental health to increase self-esteem, and the ability to perform daily activities.
• Increase the ability to look in the mirror and smile.

Usage Instructions

• One-hour sessions, at least five times per week.
• Sessions may be split into two 30-minute periods, but not for more than three consecutive days in a row.
• Light equipment is advised, including yoga blocks, stretch bands, and 3-to-5 lb. weights.
• Walking to the refrigerator or bathroom does not count towards the exercise goal, nor does a shopping marathon at Home Depot, Costco, or T.J. Maxx.

Possible Side Effects

• Improved mental health and increased self-esteem.
• Enhanced physical readiness for intimacy.
• Ability to fit into clothes that are already in the closet.
• Increased energy levels and combatting feelings of fatigue.
• Boosted mood, reduced stress, and alleviated symptoms of anxiety and depression.
• Promoted better sleep quality and regulated sleep patterns.
• Enhanced cognitive function.
• Aid in weight management by burning calories and increasing metabolism.

Drug Interactions

• Counter indicated with cookies, even gluten-free Oreos.
• Wings from that place in town with the best homemade blue cheese may cause sluggishness.
• Chinese food, particularly dumplings and scallion pancakes, may make you sleepy and more passive in meeting your exercise schedule.

Precautions

Ensure exercise equipment is put away when not in use. Tripping over yoga mats or stepping on yoga blocks can cause temporary conditions that hinder daily medication intake.

Allergies

Avoid performing downward dog if you have a history of vertigo or dizziness.

Storage Instructions

Store in plain sight to encourage adherence to the exercise schedule.

Missed Dose Instructions

If you miss a dose due to a scheduling conflict, be sure to schedule a make-up session on the same day.

Overdose Instructions

In the unlikely event of an overdose (exercising more than one hour per day, every day for three consecutive weeks), take one day off and then take the prescribed dose every other day for one week before resuming the regular schedule.

Additional Information

• Use a “throw your hat over the fence” strategy: tell others about your exercise plan to stay committed.
• Block out time on your calendar, avoid overbooking activities, and resist the temptation to blame others for not sticking to the schedule.

Actions to Also Include:

Don’t Beat Yourself Up

Write a funny piece like I did so you can laugh at the steps ahead and be ready to take on the old challenge in a new way. A good attitude is key to a changed behavior. I get a good attitude when I can see the humor and all the ways I have evaded the truth. This prescription for Yoga made me laugh at myself. My motto: Laugh. Cringe. Change.

Start Simple

Don’t think about it too much. Don’t start by plunking money down to join a gym, buy a package of classes or personal sessions, or figure out what streaming exercise programs you like or what new equipment you need. Don’t wait till the end of the day. Some gentle stretching and a few weight-bearing exercises in the morning do the trick. You don’t need me to tell you which ones, we all know at this point that it’s the doing that gets in the way.

Take More Steps

Just take a few more steps than you did the day before. Park your car further from the entrance. Walk a flight of stairs one extra time. Bend down and pick up something you might have passed by. These small actions accumulate over time, leading to better health and a more active lifestyle.

What’s Next

Laugh at your attempts, and your current situation and find the spark needed to change what you have been “kvetching” about all along. Laugh. Cringe. Change.

Let’s Have a Laugh:

Are you a lazy couch potato? Have you become aware of your laziness? Are you committed to do something about it and have a laugh, too? What would you prescribe yourself, but with humor?