4 Tips for Building a Strong Relationship with Your Daughter-in-Law
Are you trying to improve your relationship with your daughter-in-law? Do you want to create a better understanding and reduce tension? If these are a few of the questions that frequently enter your mind, then read on for some answers.
Mothers Are Always Mothers
I’d like to attempt to answer the question about why there is tension within the relationship. Mothers are always mothers, even when they become grandmothers. When our son marries, we often feel relegated to the back seat, second place and total background of his life. The sad truth is that this is the way life unfolds and it is a natural, necessary process. We cannot change this and must accept it.
The good part is our son will always have a place in his heart for us and he will always love us. If we accept his love, no matter how it filters our way, then we are not going to be as bothered with the changes.
Change Is a Huge Issue
At a time when our children are getting married, we are going through menopause. We are experiencing the empty nest syndrome, and the reality of retirement. We deal with illnesses we have acquired along our life’s path. The frosting on the cake may be our feelings of loss.
Transformation is difficult. However, life is not over and when we get through the thickets we see relief and a new existence unfolds. Like the butterfly, we must peel off the cocoon to make life alterations. We fear this because even new changes are difficult to cope with. We are comfortable within our current existence and don’t want to move forward, although we realize changes happen throughout our lives and are at the core of our existence.
I remember being at one son’s apartment helping him hang up curtains one week and within a short time, I was told to call before coming over. It is a part of life’s alterations even if I or others don’t like it.
Start the Relationship with Your Daughter-in-Law Early
Trouble begins at the start of a son’s relationship if a mother does not recognize the potential girlfriend as a possible future wife and daughter-in-law. Even if you have gotten off on a bad start to the relationship, it is still possible to rekindle it and evolve the bond into a happy relationship.
As difficult as letting go can be, a problematic relationship with your daughter-in-law is painful and full of stress and anxiety. I choose peace.
Respect the Boundaries
Mothers-in-law have a new playing field. They need to refrain from disregarding boundaries, respect rules – even if they don’t agree with them and think they are ridiculous. Your son loves this person. She is now his family. Stepping back a bit and recognizing the importance of his union and the onward cycle of life is crucial.
Mothers give their children strong roots of stability and growth. No one should cut those roots nor break them down. Daughters-in-law give their husbands wings to fly to new places and experience new beginnings and life itself. We do not clip the wings. How fortunate is the man-in-the-middle who is able to keep and nurture both wings and roots.
I have been studying this relationship for over 20 years and have found some things to be true. My surveys and investigations span two generations. I began my books as a daughter-in-law and finished them as a mother-in-law. It allowed me to discover both points of view, not only through my mind but through my heart.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Are you a new mother-in-law? How are you building a strong relationship with your daughter-in-law? What have you found most challenging? What has been the most positive outcome of the new relationship? Please share your thoughts in the comments section below.
Tags Adult Children
I find that I seem to initiate everything with my daughter in law. She doesn’t text or call without me texting or calling her first. Then it isn’t her who calls me back it’s usually my son. I am always kind to her. I filled her tank up with gas unexpectedly when I borrowed their car last week. I buy her little things on occasion. I also have my son and her over for dinner every Wednesday with leftovers to take home. I feel I don’t get much in return. But maybe I’m expecting something little in return and I shouldn’t be? Just a text or a call now and again would be nice.
I was so jealous initially but kept it to myself. I still regret not hearing his confidences etc. My DIL and I seem to have a good relationship though and she is family oriented, and I am glad for that.
My son has been married for seventeen years, and my daughter-in-law is of a different race than I am. This difference initially posed a challenge for me, but I have since accepted it because she is the woman my son chose, and they love each other deeply. They also have three beautiful daughters, whom I cherish immensely. My desire has always been for our relationship to grow stronger.
My husband passed away some time ago, and this is the first time I am going on a date. I don’t need to report to my son about this, but I would still like someone to know. I have friends I can confide in, but for some reason, my daughter-in-law came to mind. I feel that sharing this moment with her could be quite special.
I think that is wonderful! The only thing I thought of suggesting otherwise, is if she comes from another culture, simply show an interest in some of those customs she might be used to, or might miss. Perhaps you already do and that is why things are going well. Also, I remember reading about someone who is dating and they take a picture of the date’s license plate and send it to someone. That might not guarantee your safety, just make it easier to find the culprit later. Definitely share that with your daughter-in-law – it’s a beautiful show of trust.
i like everything you said .
I have had an up and down start .
I seem to be always doing the wrong things. not intentionally .
For instance I live a 2 hour flight away .I am baby sitting for two weeks . Grand daughter just turned 1 year . She gets grubby out playing . Couldn’t find play clothes that fit . Growing fast . Ordered some Joe Fresh stuff .
It will come while i am here . After reading your article im second guessing myself . want to rush out and grab the order before Anyone sees it .
I can’t personally think of how buying clothes for a 1 year old grandchild could cause problems. My mother-in-law bought a whole bunch of clothes for our newborn who couldn’t wear them because they were all polyester and he had a rash where the doctor told us he had to wear breathable items such as cotton. She said his skin hadn’t learned how to handle perspiration yet. As it turned out, he has a lifelong skin condition! When I told her she looked angry and kind of went “hmmph”, as thought the doctor was wrong. There really was nothing I could do about that though. So perhaps you could first give a call and say you would love to bring some gifts for the child, and ask what size they are and if there are any preferences (color, material, style, etc.). There is nothing I love more than picking out baby clothes, even if I have never even met the baby!
I like the phrase about our sons having both wings and roots. It’s an important way to look at the situation.