7 Practical Ways to Set Yourself Up for a Good Death
I never thought about death much, other than as a concept, until my husband was diagnosed with cancer in 2010. Then it made its entrance with a bang. Even though he was 65, it felt far too young to be contemplating death.
We learnt a lot about each other, about life, and about death in what turned out to be his last year.
Now, solidly in my 70s, I’m very aware of the juxtaposition of life and death. It is simply impossible to have one without the other – just a walk out in nature will show us that.
Facing Death
But somehow human beings – particularly in the Western world – have made a taboo out of dying, death and grief. I was surprised at how difficult some of our friends found it when my husband was diagnosed, and later after he died. I was surprised at who showed up with a card, a note or a practical offering of help; and I was surprised by who literally ignored me or obviously felt uncomfortable.
Now my work is educating others to become more at ease with dying, death and grief. I don’t want people as they age to become more isolated, more in denial, more awkward with the one thing that we know for sure will happen.
What that means for you is being willing to face up to death now, before it becomes part of your life in a bigger way.
So, the following suggestions will help if you’ve ever found yourself feeling awkward because someone you know has been bereaved, thought “I must get around to doing my power of attorney” – and then never found time – or found yourself holding a grudge with someone.
I’ve put together 7 actions you can take to make sure you welcome in a good death when the time comes. Some of these my husband did, and some I only discovered were important afterwards.
Live Life Now
This may sound obvious, but the thing is, although now I talk about my husband’s “last year,” we didn’t know it was his last year at the time. Nor did we know when it was his last day.
You can’t know about the “last” anything until it’s been and gone. So, be here now, and do that by running everything you do through a filter of “Am I enjoying myself?” – and if not, stop it!
Discover You Are More Than a Body
It’s a lot easier to accept the fact your body will come to the end of its life some day if you are aware you are more than a body. When I looked at my husband on the hospital bed, after he had just died, all I saw was an empty bag. It was patently obvious that he was no longer in that bag.
Find out who you really are; find out what it is that “fills the bag”; discover what it is that makes you “you” – and it’s not your personality, mind, thoughts, emotions or feelings. There is something else entirely.
Take Care of Practicalities Beforehand
Even though you may know you are not just a body, when you die there is the physical evidence of a body and the life it led to be taken care of by your relatives. Make it easier for yourself in your last days, and for them afterwards, by preparing an end of life plan.
Resolve Outstanding Conflicts in Relationships
Life really is too short to let grudges, misunderstandings and hurt feelings fester. I now know that anything can happen to anyone at any time. Do you really want to die with these kinds of things left hanging?
If not, take the time to continuously keep your relationships up to date. Don’t wait for the other to apologise – free yourself by apologising to them for holding them in a place of judgment that they were not apologising to you!
Designate a Special Person
A doula is an end of life companion. Not every family member can manage to be with a dying relative. Sad, but true. And anyway, you may want someone else there, who has training in how to be around the dying. Think of this in advance, and set it up as part of your end of life planning.
Create Your Advance Directive
Be clear about how much you want to receive life-sustaining treatment. It’s becoming more and more important to identify in advance what kind of treatment you want towards the end of your life.
Given that our medical professions are about prolonging life at all costs, if you know you wouldn’t want to be resuscitated, or receive life-sustaining treatment under certain conditions, then make sure you create your Advance Directive (aka Living Will). This will allow you to state your wishes. In some countries and states this is a legal document; make sure you know what applies in your area.
Prepare Your Last Days Wishes Instructions
Sometimes this is referred to as an Advance Statement. Not usually legally binding, this is still an important document where you can state preferences as to what you like to eat (if indeed, you still want to eat), what kind of music or atmosphere you would like around you, who you would prefer to be there and so on.
There are many more things to be covered, but this is a great start.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
What have you found eases facing up to death? Have you talked with your loved ones about your wishes? How have you approached creating your Advance Directive? Please share your thoughts and questions in the comments.
Very useful article . Everyone must prepare their end of life .Plan yourself and directed your family memebers what type of medical treatment required while in sick and death end time . That is much important . I followed the above article . Shan andres – India
Important article!
While I am newly retired at 69 years of age, I plan to concentrate on my health and hobbies. Then, I have told my children for decades that I will sell or give them everything I own with the catch that each of them is to hold a room for me at their home–and, if I want money for a trip later in life, they will help finance it. I am fortunate to have children who can afford a spare room. I will then live with each one for a month or two and then move on to the next household. If things turn super bad, where they need to have full-time assistance for me, I will be considered medicaid eligible…no expense to my children!
Then, I have told them they are to mourn, heavily mourn, for the first 15 minutes or so after I pass in case I am hanging around. Then, I have $10,000 set aside for food and drinks, a funeral playlist of the greatest rock n roll and other genres, and possibly a game or slideshow for a grand party. Live your life, and my love will, hopefully, always be in your heart.
I am sorry for a few who have had a lack of support and were so disappointed on top of the emotional loss of a death. I have had some experience with that, too. But, I still believe that I have to own my emotions and others have to own theirs….no hard feelings for living and let living. Disappointed, yes. Live and learn.
Great you gave thought this through so thoroughly! Only one proviso – you could include that if for any reason your children can’t so what you wish, that you say that’s okay too. Sometimes there are practical things or circumstances that arise that don’t allow for the dead persons wishes to be adhered to
I found it interesting that your friends weren’t as supportive of you when your husband died. This is something I have heard many times lately. I thought it only happened to me because I lost a daughter to a sudden death, a heart arythmia we didn’t know she had. She was just 23 and beautiful going to San Diego State and working at Whole Foods. My friends abandoned me. They said nasty things like” Didn’t you know your daughter had a heart arythmia.” Of course I didn’t. She was gone in a flash. I gave her a beautiful funeral and my best friend didn’t attend because she said my daughter died on her daughter’s birthday and how did I think that made her feel? Abandoned me totally. Even my own sisters didn’t come to the funeral. Others were there that went to church with me in Arizona and they were better friends than my good friends or my sisters from Bondurant Iowa. I always thought Iowa people were caring folks but I learned differently. There was nothing to gain from Rachel’s death so the greedy girls saw no reason to show up for their sister. I am appalled at the absolute greed in this world. My Dad left 1/3 of everything to me and yet it ended up in the hands of my sisters. I think people should give what they want to give while they are alive if possible. Yes fill out those forms but remember power of attorney is a powerful position as they can make decisions for you and your money. I would not chose a lover of money because they will place money above all else. Yes you are right women cast their friends out when they have their husbands die. I wish I had a kind good friend. I live in a wealthy city of Scottsdale Arizona and money is the driving force here not kindness and compassion.
Really sorry to hear this; you have not had good experiences at all. How disappointing for you. Death does strange things to people, as does grief – and I found that you can’t anticipate in advance who will be there for you, and who simply cannot, for whatever reason.
I’m sorry for the loss of your daughter. So tragic and heartbreaking to lose her so young and suddenly. It’s terrible how family/friends were not there for you. Thankfully some kind friends were supportive. I hope you’ve found grief support groups to help you move forward. Take care of yourself.
Please make sure you do either the formalities discussed in this article (advance directive)
or at least a written document of some kind placed in your purse or SOMEWHERE especially if you have children. Save your kids the trauma of fighting over “what Mom would want.” My 92-year-old mom gave ME a list of important items she wanted given to various people but even now I dread me and my five siblings arguing over what she would want in her dying days when they come. I have promised to take an advance directive with me the next time I see her and make her do it at her doctor’s office WITH NONE OF THE SIX OF US present so no one can accuse the other of pressuring mom.
That sounds like a good idea Catherine. It is so important to get things down in writing, as grief does strange things to some people some times, and often things are remembered differently by different family members. Bit if it is written down (and signed) and/or a video is done, then it is much more difficult to argue with.
When my husband was dying, I attempted to follow his desires in providing the music he enjoyed. But when I turned it on, he shook his head “No”. He didn’t want any music after all. And I knew that my mom had wanted her favorite pillow when she died but when the time came, she shook her head “No”. What I am saying is you can prepare for the end of life but when it comes, you may have a whole different set of desires.
Good point Karen. We have to be flexible and not be attached to what was said at a time of health, when the person is in different circumstances.