When People Ask About My Estranged Children… What Can I Say?
Being an abandoned mom is more widespread than most people think. When asked about estranged children (parents, or family members), we are put in the awkward position of what to say. Saying too much, not saying enough, or lying can bring up all sorts of questions or guilt, added to how you already feel about this emotional situation.
It’s helpful to figure out what you will say ahead of this question being posed to you. When you’ve rehearsed what you could say, you’re ready when the question comes out of the blue. Your brain will help you by reminding you of your rehearsed answer. We do have options to choose how to answer this question.
Open-Up and Tell the Whole Story
Share incidents that may have caused the division and details of how long it’s been since you’ve been in touch. In doing so be sure you’re ready for intense questions that come back to you from curious people!
Some people related that when sharing details, those who ask, don’t know what to say, and end up giving them the cold shoulder. They may have drawn false conclusions that something must be wrong with you if your kids don’t talk to you now. You must have done something bad.
You could experience this reaction so be ready for the pain it could bring. First, the rejection from the child, then the rejection from those you thought would comfort you.
I have a friend who does this. She shares the whole story, stating that each time she does, she feels better, even if others don’t know what to say back to her. For her, it helps her continue to realize the reality of the estrangement. She has made sharing more about her own mental health, than about the other’s reaction.
Lie and Say Everything’s Just Fine
This does get the person off your radar. They move on to other topics. But do we feel right that we just lied? Maybe. The heart is already hurting and getting the heat off the question feels better.
I don’t advocate this one. Mostly because lying about anything isn’t the path I would want. There are choices you have in answering people, and the choices you make are your personal decision.
Give a Bird’s Eye View of the Child’s Life
“They live in Minnesota, just bought a home, and have a new puppy.” These details need to be honest things you have learned from their friends, other family members or from Facebook. Follow up this bird’s eye view with deflection.
Deflect the conversation by switching it to them or something else. “How’s your son Mark doing?” “What great veggies did you get from your garden this year?” People love talking about themselves and talking about their kids who are succeeding. You have answered their question to the best of your ability and now moved on to something in their world.
Deflecting is a skill for many personal conversations we encounter in life. Whenever someone crosses over into something personal to you, turn it around quickly to something about them.
Briefly Tell Them That You Are Not in Contact and Aren’t Ready to Talk About It
In the syndicated column called Ask Carolyn, she offered this to say to a mom who wanted to know what to do when someone asks about her estranged daughter: “Sadly, my daughter has estranged herself from the family.” Then follow up with, “I’m not ready to share more than that.”
Carolyn goes on to say that negative reactions from people help you weed out those who are not sincere friends to you.
If You Are an Abandoned Parent, Work on Forgiving Yourself
There is no perfect parent. In reflection, I made so many mistakes! I remember a therapist saying to me, the statute of limitations is past for that. You can’t keep bringing your parenting mistakes into the present.
I needed to get to a place of forgiving myself for painful perceived mistakes I made in the parenting job. I try to live this quote, “Don’t let yesterday take up too much of today.”
Try Not to Isolate
If you can, invite new friends and experiences into your life. Keep life exciting in small or big ways. Living under guilt or shame of a child’s estrangement can seep the joy out of the present.
Let Joy Balance the Pain in Your Life
Think about this tip in 50+ Life online magazine. “Nonstop suffering will not bring reconciliation with your adult child, and it certainly impairs the quality of your life. Allow love, fun, and joy into your life – to soothe and strengthen you.”
Below are a few resources that you may want to check out. Be sure that support groups truly support rather than do harm by amplifying agony, fear, or pain. As in any situation, carefully choose your support.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
How do you respond to questions about your estranged adult child? Are you healing over estrangement? Do you have suggestions that would help others heal? What are some of the things you do to feel joy even though you have pain?
My son stopped talking to my other son first then all the family members on both sides. None have lived up to his expectations. I tried to manage the situations hoping things would get better. But truly I knew if I pushed to hard I would be next. Ultimately he turned on his father as the cause of all his problems. He is unkind to his wife but she makes excuses for him as I have done in the past. I listened to hours of accusation to myself and his father and apologized over and over. When I grew weary of it I asked what more could I do. He stated that when he decided I had heard enough it would be over. My husband refused to listen to the abusive language and exaggerations he used. Yes we were not perfect but the language he used was hateful. When I heard that I started to push back and not accept the hateful language if we were to discuss things. Yes he turned on me and my husband and will not talk to us. His wife has tried to keep in touch but whenever we would want to see the grandchildren she must ask permission and we wait days for his yes or no but have been able to see them. I have endured the ups and downs for their sake to maintain at least this connection. Finally after waiting days he just decided I may see the grandchildren but my husband cannot. This was my final straw and I said the decision was cruel and unjustified (nothing had changed in the last years since he stopped talking to us) and I would not participate in this choice. As hard as this decision is I cannot hurt others to jump through his hoops to see them. We do not as others claim to be perfect but I must accept he is incapable at this time of healthy relationships. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone.
Hi I recently found this site and the comments have helped me. I am the mother of three sons and have recently been put in a similar circumstance which is breaking my heart. I look forward to reading and supporting others going through the same thing.
I know this is a old post but I’m being verbally abused every day by my eldest daughter age 24 then I have a 14 year old who runs away to her dads the minute you discipline her and he take a court order out her dad abused me and been controlling I feel I have no choice but to walk away for my own sanity
Thank you, Linda Ward, belatedly, for these distinctive, varied and very helpful strategies for talking to others about this painful situation. This gives good options. Wish I had seen this a year ago!
We will be moving to a new community soon, and I’m pondering what my story will be when meeting a whole new social circle. I think at first, until I get to know people well, I’ll just say “Yes, I have a grown daughter, happily married and living on the other coast. How about you?” and then talk about *their* kids, if they want to, or talk about other things.
It helps to remember that children are by no means the only interesting things in one’s life. What we focus on will grow; so I’m not going to focus on an adult who doesn’t want to make that mutual. Much happier that way.
Dear Estranged Mother and Father,
For those of you who have been truly abusive, kindly distance yourselves. The remaining individuals, please pause and diligently attend to the following: The actions of your grown child are not a reflection of anything you have done. Your grown child never required a legitimate reason to sever ties with you. Your grown child understands that you are not a narcissist or an abuser.
To your grown child, you represent an easy target. You are readily accessible and a convenient sacrifice. Furthermore, there are countless others like you. This means that your grown child can attain the one thing they desire above all else: witnessing, presuming, and being aware of your suffering in their absence.
They want you to agonize over what you may have done wrong. They want you to invest time, money, and excessive energy into reconnecting with your beloved offspring.
Additionally, your grown child derives satisfaction from discussing with fellow adult children how they have severed ties with you. They claim to seek ‘peace’ and accuse you, as the offending party, of refusing to take responsibility for your actions.
When you attempt to defend yourself, a united group of adult children embark on seek-and-destroy missions to promptly negate any speck of truth you may offer. A collective assemblage of uncredentialed and a few credentialed psychologists, therapists, and psychiatrists dissect each word you utter in order to establish your evident narcissism.
Alternatively, they may assert that you have bipolar disorder or that you are a psychopathic sociopath. Even if you have received a diagnosis ruling out the aforementioned ailments, you (and your psychiatrist, by extension) will not be granted belief.
Furthermore, your grown child will rationalize any parental abuse they inflicted upon you. That time they siphoned money from your bank account? Well, surely that was your fault. You failed to provide them with the extravagant items they desired. Or that instance when they physically attacked you with no provocation? Well, you simply would not cease communication with them. Never will they consider that you were discussing their responsibility to clean up a mess they had left behind.
Neither will they acknowledge the significant property damage amounting to thousands of dollars that they caused in your home. No, to them, you are the problem. You are the parent. Their behavior must inevitably stem from your shortcomings. No, scratch that, it unquestionably originates from your flaws. They will stop at nothing to ensure the world remains ignorant of, or refuses to believe, your account.
At some point, your cherished children held you in high regard. They viewed you as their loving parents and experienced a profound connection and sense of belonging in your presence.Then the advent of social media intervened. They observed other children garnering attention by blaming their parents.
Observing the transition of a ‘my parent is a narcissist’ post, from garnering a mere like to reaching millions, is not an uncommon occurrence. It depicts a frenzied congregation of individuals seeking a sense of unity. The underlying cause is inconsequential; the hunger for belonging and attention-seeking takes precedence.
These individuals are well aware of their influence. Additional parents, often wanting to avoid the same fate, other family members, and strangers hastily join in, condemning you, despite their lack of insight into the true nature of the events that transpired between you and your adult child.
Everyone feels entitled to passing judgment, even without any personal knowledge of you. In this chaos, you unwittingly play your part as well. You plead, you shout, you proclaim, ‘But I am innocent! I did nothing wrong!’ Yet, this is where you falter gravely, as the veracity of your actions holds no significance. It matters not whether you committed any wrongdoing or were an exceptional parent.
The sole relevance lies in the fact that you must be subjected to punishment. Cease this behavior. Release your grip. Parenthood is a lifelong commitment, occasionally accompanied by ease and joy. Witnessing the development of the little, precious being you once brought into this world, watching them excel in academics, embark on careers, enter matrimony, have children, and embrace contented lives, can bring immense satisfaction.
However, there are instances where the path is marred by ugliness. You find yourself discarded like refuse. Blame is attributed to you, falsehoods are spread, trust is shattered, and rejection becomes your unwelcome companion. As a parent, your innate instinct demands that you correct the perceived wrongs, striving to prove to your cherished offspring that you are not their adversary.
Nevertheless, your beloved child has matured into an adult, having assumed their own chosen identity. The arduous endeavor begins now. You must relinquish your hold, severing emotional ties. Embrace your own existence, flourish, discover joy, and reestablish self-belief, perhaps even for the first time.
This is your moment to find your kin. Seek out other parents, akin to yourself, who comprehend that refraining from discussing adult children is often the most prudent course of action for estranged parents. After all, these individuals are now adults, capable of weathering life’s storms independently. It’s ok to let go. The time has arrived for you to embark on your own journey.
Choose you.
Dear I Choose Me,
You have so many nuggets of truth in this post. My hope is that those hurting deeply from estrangement take what they can from it and allows it to heal some of the pain.
Linda
Dear I Choose Me -Thank you so much for this. Thank you to all who have commented here. I had really been going through a rough patch again – over thinking and stuck in the pain of estrangement from my 3 adult kids ( from previous marriage) I still have 2 younger kiddos – I can’t let the trauma of my older 3 adult kids keep me so miserable. I gathered some strength and support here. I’m so grateful to find you.