My Adult Children Cut Me Out of Their Life
I have three wonderful moms in my immediate circle of friends who have been ghosted by their children. Dictionary.com defines ghosting as “the practice of suddenly ending all contact with a person without explanation.” The extreme pain this abandonment brings is their daily life challenge.
The Whys
Some moms have no idea what caused this breach, with no way to find out. If the mom does recognize the source and wants to apologize to the adult child, this is not an option.
Other moms can identify a heated conversation where opinions differed. This could have been about political, religious, or lifestyle choices.
Maybe unwelcome comments were made about the adult child’s parenting style or poor choices that set an unintentional estrangement in motion. Sometimes we make mistakes as parents, and as parents we admit it!
In this brief article, let’s NOT go back to the source of the abandonment issue. You’ve already done this, over and over times one million, to figure out where things went wrong. If you do find your answer, there’s no way to go back and change it, even if you could or would.
Remember, the answer may not be anything you’ve said or done. Seeking the whys will drive you crazy. It’s a form of mental abuse to put yourself through this every day. Instead, let’s talk about your self-care as a deserted parent.
Read Mental Health Impact of Estrangement.
How to Survive
Here are some suggestions from moms who have been there:
- Distance yourself from the adult child. Time will help.
- You have no control. Release the child and keep moving toward an enjoyable life without them.
- Cry and get on with it.
- Lean on your best friends to help you at those times that hurt more than others – birthdays, holidays, or special events for grandchildren.
- If you have an open communication channel at all with the adult child, just listen… and listen some more.
- In this tug of war, drop the rope.
- Write notes and cards to the adult child or grandchildren. If you think they are not receiving them, put the notes in a box for them to read at a later time in their life. One mom keeps sending birthday gifts and Christmas gifts to her estranged daughter. She’s sure they are dumped without opening, yet she will never give up or stop. It eases her mind.
Read Estrangement: The Secret So Many Hide.
A Kind Word of Advice
Take Care of Yourself
This unsolvable problem can rob you of your health and mental well-being. You may need to seek the help of a professional counselor to learn ways of handling the ever-nagging and uncorrectable whys. Simply take care of yourself.
Read Does Estrangement Impact Mental Health Differently in Men and Women?
Look for Abandonment Support
Check into on-line support groups for abandoned parents or books written on the subject to let you know you are not alone.
Read 4 Self-Healing Strategies to Manage Adult Child Estrangement.
Find Your Source of Joy and Courage
Where do you get courage? Is it from your tribe of friends? From your religious beliefs? From self-help groups or books? You can lighten this heavy load and experience everyday happiness even though you will never forget your child or stop loving them.
Read How to Move Past the Wounds of Estrangement and Find Relief.
Take Control of Your Thoughts
When you catch yourself for the millionth and one time asking “Why…?” just stop. Stop yourself and say out loud, “Not today, I’m going to be kind to me today.” You have the choice to have everyday happiness in your life.
As you know, life is short. Enjoy the adult kids that are still in your life, or your friends, or your pets, or your garden. Find what lightens your mood even a little, and do more of it.
Not sure how to be more positive? We give you some great tips in How To Fight Negative Thoughts By Changing Your Mindset.
Forgive Yourself
Maybe you were the reason the adult child stopped communicating. In hindsight, you see it, but there’s no way to say sorry. So, forgive yourself.
None of us know how to parent. We just take a very good stab at it and do our best. Sometimes we have said or done things that can’t be corrected now. If you need help with forgiving yourself, professionals in your church or mental health professionals will help.
Read Exploring the Possibilities of Reconciliation After Estrangement.
Figure Out How to Live in the Moment
When something good happens, sit in that and enjoy it to the fullest. You are worthy of this. Your past mistakes or your child’s rejection don’t make it not so! Next time you enjoy your morning coffee, or a piece of fine chocolate, or the sunshine streaming in your window, take note and let yourself be there for it!
This brings attention to the things that we love and helps us experience the good in each day.
Dealing with the Outside World
After reading through the comments section, the team at Sixty & Me recognized just how many parents are navigating the challenges of estrangement.
One question that came up often and that Linda, the author, addressed was the question of dealing with people asking about your relationship with your children.
Linda has given this topic a great deal of thought and sought input from a friend who is dealing with an estranged relationship with her daughter. She offers the following suggestions for handling such situations:
To avoid directly discussing an estranged relationship, she recommends sharing a broad overview of the situation without bringing up the estrangement itself. For instance, one might say, “They live in Boston, recently bought a house, and got a dog. Training a dog can be stressful! How is Mark (their child) doing?” This approach keeps the conversation light and redirects attention without delving into sensitive topics. Since most people enjoy talking about their children’s accomplishments, focusing on their stories can often help steer the discussion in a positive direction.
Linda also emphasizes the importance of controlling how much information is shared. Preparing responses in advance can provide clarity and confidence when faced with unexpected questions. For example, one might respond, “Thanks for asking. We’re going through a tough time right now, as all families do. I’m not ready to share more, but tell me about Mark.”
She shares insights from a friend who takes a different perspective. Her friend feels that discussing her estrangement openly has been a key part of her healing process. Over time, she has learned that her responses can vary depending on where she is in her journey – sometimes she chooses to share, and other times she does not. For her, being transparent has helped bring closure and peace.
Ultimately, Linda encourages those experiencing emotional pain – whether as mothers, wives, or women – to seek support from a professional counselor or coach. Speaking with someone trained to handle these emotions provides a safe and constructive outlet for healing. While friends can be supportive, they may not be equipped to guide someone through such deeply personal challenges. Even if this advice may seem like a standard suggestion, Linda, as a coach, knows firsthand how transformative it can be in alleviating the pain life can bring.
If you are dealing with estrangement and feeling alone, Linda also suggests joining support groups like these:
https://www.rejectedparents.net/
https://www.meetup.com/topics/estrangement
https://www.estrangements.com/groups-and-blogs.html
Also, read Estrangement – How Journaling Can Transform Your Heartache into Acceptance.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Are you an abandoned mom? If so, I wish you courage daily! How have you learned to cope? What gets you through special days or events? Please join the conversation in how you have moved forward in your life.
Hi my name is Dale and I am 61 years old with 4 adult kids ranging in age from daughter 32, daughter 25, daughter and son 23. My oldest daughter has suddenly decided to cut ties with myself, my hubby and the three youngest siblings. No reason given other than saying “I know you have always been there for me mum with a shoulder to cry on hundreds if not thousands of times. You’ve bailed me out on many occasions where I thought my life was ending in more ways than one, I am grateful for a mum who at the drop of a hat was there for me and loved me unconditionally but at the end of the day you are my mum, but she is not mine” Then she said “You have far too high expectations of others and me. Its your choice to go above and beyond its not on others to do the same for you.” Im really confused as to why this has happened other than to say that hubby and I have decided to sell our house and move 4 hrs away in order to become mortgage free, have money in the bank and work because we want to not because we have to. When I told my oldest daughter we were selling and moving north, her comment was it seems like you want to get away from us all. She was also pregnant early Jan but miscarried mid Jan. I get it that she has things to deal with but not communicating with me when I was the first person she would always come to has made it hard for me to understand. As of last night I have decided to give her the space she obviously requires but do not know whether to have no communication or to just text maybe once a week to say hi. She used to ring me or text me several times a week but she wont pick up my calls and responds hours or days later to a text. I really enjoyed listening to the sixtyandme podcast about Divorcing from your adult children. Any other helpful tips would be much appreciated. Just the fact that I now know I am not alone in how I feel and how our kids when they get to 30 seem to do this abandonment behaviour is comforting. Thank you everyone.
Although I talk to my kids occasionally ..more some than others…I am left out of family functions and celebrations..I tried to make peace but my toxic daughter who has bought all their love and friendship with the money she married into..it’s a long story but all should have been dissolved and forgiven by now..it’s been over 7 years..it makes me sad not to be part of my family
I’m a father who lost his wife and his 4 children’s mother nearly 7yrs ago. Since that time my kids have had less & less to do with me. I know that if I were the one to have passed they wouldn’t ignore and leave out of their life their mother as they do me but I’m just tired of being left out and ignored. Not only by my children but by their children as well. I’ve endured 2 surgeries in the past 3 yrs where I’ve had to be completely off my feet for 10wks at a time. I’ve received calls & visits from my youngest child and very, very rarely my oldest daughter, but that is all. The other 2, nothing. I simply want to be a part of their lives but they have essentially cut me out of each of their lives completely.
I’m just ready to send a letter to each of them and tell them I do not want to be contacted by them ever again. (Short stretch since that’s where I am already…)
I raised my 4 daughters and my oldest has cut off all contact from me and her sisters for 5 years, I have a grandson who she turned against us, he is in 6th grade now. My second in line recently turned her back on me after marrying her nurse husband and becoming a nurse herself and I have cried and begged and pleaded and she won’t even get on the phone and talk with me, just sent long texts and says Im toxic. My heart is beyond broke. With Mothers day approaching is just another reminder of my losses and I wish the day didn’t exist
Hello,
Thank you for bravely telling your story. It’s heartbreaking, as are the others here regrading estrangement. I found this extremely helpful website that you may also find helpful.
https://www.rejectedparents.net/
Also, for Mother’s Day, here is a video posted by the founder of this site.
https://www.rejectedparents.net/category/what-parents-can-do/
This site offers books, articles, and a community you can join where you will feel supported as you go through this in life. I strongly urge any mom struggling with estrangement to check into these resources for some relief from the pain.
Warmly, Linda
THANK YOU for this. I feel so heartbroken and confused and alone in this. I manage to get through the days by keeping myself busy, but barely sleep at night. If I felt less alone, that I wasn’t the worst parent EVER to set foot on this planet, it would be somewhat easier to manage.
Hello Margaret,
Please check the resources listed in my reply to mimi. I briefly saw an article about sleep, which may be helpful to you. Linda