Connection Not Perfection: How to Forge Bonds with the Young People You Love
One of the best parts of getting older is the opportunity to build new adult bonds with children, grandchildren and next generation friends in our lives. They keep us young at heart and introduce us to all things hip, cool and fun – stuff we wouldn’t have known about or experienced otherwise.
On the flipside, these relationships afford us the chance to flex lifechanging skills in supporting, coaching, mentoring and unconditional loving, gifts that will sustain our loved ones into their own Golden Years and beyond.
A Study’s Revelations
A January 2022 study from North Dakota State University called “Strengthening Grandparent/Grandchild Ties,” underscores the importance of this relationship.
“The role of grandparent is very meaningful in later life. Roughly 70 million Americans are grandparents and they may have this long-term role for half of their lives. Grandparenthood is often thought to be one of the most rewarding family roles. Grandparents can play a part in guiding and helping their grandchildren grow and develop, while typically having less responsibility and stress than the parent. Grandparents take great joy in watching a young child grow into adulthood and taking part in their various life accomplishments. Grandparenting has been shown to have health benefits, for instance, in fighting off symptoms of depression, encouraging physical activity, or helping to keep older adults mentally sharp,” the study introduction read.
Connections Require Time and Persistence
These relationships, however, don’t come easily. With busy schedules and distance often separating us from the people we love, it takes hard work and persistence to connect with the young people in our lives.
The first step is to focus on connection not perfection. This is an important mindset. The goal is to develop a relationship, and relationships are rarely orderly or precise or perfect in any way. The best bonds are built organically and authentically, not methodically. Building relationships with younger loved ones requires an openness to the special qualities these folks embody, the unique circumstances in which they live and the special connection you will have with them.
With that mindset shift, the playing field becomes wide open for opportunities to advance these beautiful relationships. Here are a few suggestions on how to get started and keep feeding them:
Know Their Contact Information
Know how to phone, email and text grandkids or young loved ones, and how to find and reach out to them on social media. Be the first to make contact in these venues and do it often. Send encouraging texts or emails with frequency, celebrate the successes or events they post with loving comments or direct messages. Know birthdates and special occasions, tell them you’re thinking about them and love them.
Most young people today have access to communication devices from a very young age. While it may be thoughtful to inquire about them through their parents, gatekeeper access is not a requirement when you want to build personal relationships with younger loved ones. Reach out directly in ways that are meaningful.
Schedule Regular Outings, Meals or Events with Younger Friends if You Live Nearby
Regular meetups are wonderful occasions to build conversations and share thoughts. Any opportunity to get to know your children, grandchildren or friends a little better is time and money well spent.
Plan Trips or Excursions with Your People!
You don’t have to blow the bank to have a high return on an investment in fun, leisure or travel. Being in new places is fun because everyone learns a little something and makes memories for a lifetime. Memories and legacies are priceless and stand the test of time.
Invest in Your People
Whether it’s something extraordinary, like sponsoring their education, or buying them some socks from the Dollar Store (like my grandmother did for me each year), consider your capacity for gifting to the young people in your life and do it happily. This also builds a beautiful legacy and a sense of gratitude and connection.
Write Love Letters
Writing actual notes or cards and popping them in the mailbox is a lost art, but it’s one in desperate need of reviving! The notes my grandparents sent to me over the years are sustaining relics that continue to bring me great contentment and joy. Letters are a beautiful way to show support, love and interest in the young people of your life.
Find an Activity, Game or Hobby That Resonates with Your Youthful Peeps and Make Time to Engage in Them Often
The aforementioned North Dakota State University study also included some helpful suggestions for connecting with younger loved ones. Some of those tips for fostering stronger grandfamily bonds are to: “make time to connect by prioritizing communication and making time for conversations; express affection and discuss your feelings; share stories, life happenings and family history with one another; plan special moments and events together; remember and honor special days together; and to laugh together and celebrate the fun moments in life.”
Regarding communication tips, the study suggested the following strategies, which are all excellent and underscore some of the points we discussed earlier: “Be present and willing to listen; give advice when appropriate, but also be willing to listen and provide support; set a routine – consider scheduling weekly calls or check-ins; remember, even a quick message can let someone know you care and are thinking of them; send mail for special dates, but also just for fun; talk about family history and shared stories; and find ways to connect face to face – whether in person or using technology.
The bottom line is establishing healthy relationships with adult children, grandchildren and other youthful folks in your life is a most worthy pursuit. It not only advances our legacy, it creates new memories for all and provides a framework of support and love in our special communities.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
How are you establishing meaningful relationships with children, grandchildren and other young people in your circles? What works for you? What are the benefits you’ve discovered?
I loved reading this!
Just for fun, I wanted to share a “teachable moment” story with you. When my son was in high school a young woman asked him to the prom. She was cute, very smart, and on the gymnastics team. He basically put her on hold for a few weeks until he heard back from a pretty, popular and rather buxom cheerleader, who eventually accepted his offer. The first girl then discovers why he declined her offer, taps him on the shoulder one day when he was at his locker and says, “So….you were just stringing me along, huh? I was not your plan B!” Thwack!! She slapped his face and walked off.
Despite his bruised ego and sore cheek, he got no sympathy from this Mom. In fact, I told him to apologize to her, and he did. She is now a successful attorney. I’ve often teased him about choosing the wrong gal. lol!
Interesting little footnote – there was a female teacher whom he knew well who was in the near vicinity when it happened. She walked by in the immediate aftermath, while he was standing there alone, rubbing his cheek and feeling quite embarrassed. She simply stopped for a moment, smiled and said something like, “don’t worry, you’ll work through it”. I thought that was classy. It showed confidence in him to fix things with the young woman. I love the sisterhood component there as well, since the teacher deferred to the girl’s judgement that a slap was fully warranted for this transgression, without the teacher knowing the details. We women have to stick together :)
Ann Mary and Robin-you are such kind and compassionate women! The recipients are lucky to have you in their lives. Sad thank you’s seem to have diminished within the younger generation. Maybe Thanksgiving holiday is a good opportunity to mention this topic with families/friends.
Ann Mary here again with a beautiful answer to myself. I just read this in a post by Sahil Bloom’s Curiosity Corner email:
“The Heaven’s Reward Fallacy: Humans tend to have an expectation that they will be justly rewarded and praised for all of their hard work and sacrifice. The reality is that a lot of it goes unnoticed—it’s thankless. The pursuit of external affirmation just breeds resentment and unhappiness.”
Right in! I’ll just keep on sending and connecting with my family with no expectations of the “thank you” reward. 🥰
Hi Ann Mary,
Looking at it the other way around, if you help and want to connect just for the “thank yous” and affirmations that you expect, then it wouldn’t be out of the actual desire to be of service. I don’t think helping out of need for being affirmed and recognized helps anyone really. Real help and real service has no expectation for gaining anything in return. When you want to give, and you have something to offer that’s needed, just give it, no expectation of anything attached. And indeed, a reward will come in a way that you will need at some later point. Just don’t do anything out of an expectation for that reward, do it full heartedly out of your own desire to serve.
I love this article. When he was growing up my son was taught to say thank you and write a note to his grandparents. My Mom saved these notes and put them in a scrapbook for him when he became an adult. Sadly and disappointingly now thank you’s are few and far between in his family (they live in another country and a couple of plane rides away). I try not to feel bad especially when my daughter-in-law in almost 20 years has never said thank you for any gifts, congratulations and friendly hellos. Perhaps it wasn’t customary in her family. My teenage granddaughter – who is a lovely girl – sends a text if she remembers. I know they love me but it’s hard not to take it personally. Is this the new way of things, am I being old fashioned and too sensitive? I’m tempted to stop sending cards, gifts and hellos because the unsaid message I feel is that they don’t care … or maybe they’re just too busy.
Very timely message. I learned a few years ago to always be prepared with a birthday or anniversary card. I sit down the first day of the year and prepare birthday cards and anniversary cards for the year. I address the envelopes and put a little tag on them that says when to mail them. People just aren’t doing that anymore. I get a bunch of emails or text messages saying happy birthday, but very few birthday cards that I could keep and sit on a shelf. Those are the special ones that you send a reply back to. People have forgotten to say thank you When they receive a card like that or gift. Teaching younger people that this is how it was done for them can be a learning experience. My niece and nephew always send thank you notes and I appreciate that. Teaching that to the next generations is important. I also text just to say hello and how’s it going. Both mediums are important and should be cherished in their own way. Thank you for the timely message.
You can always print out messages and emails in different colours, fonts & sizes or print photographs of them.
Then you can cut & stick them onto pages to make a book of memories, (which you will add to) or stick them onto a large piece of paper/card & make them into a poster.
Then you will be forever keeping the special messages in a way that you can easily see.
And they will be so much more alive.
🇦🇺